Mercs in Remnant: Extras
by chief of RAGE
Summary: Contains all other extra content related to "Mercs In Remnant" including backgrounds, side stories, cut content, and old chapters.
1. Intermission: Getting the Story Back

**Welcome to what is probably the most insane and confusing/retarded part of my story. Much insanity this is so I hope you guys don't get mad or mind hurt from it. This is not counted as an actual chapter. Just a funny thought that I thought I'd add in for the glorious Gabe and beloved Monty Oum. You have been warned.**

 **Other Warning: The Fifth Wall is Broken here. You thought shit was insane when the fourth wall breaks? You ain't seen nothing yet.**

* * *

 **The Void**

"Wait, what?" Monty was confused. He was sure that the author was going to have the mercenaries save Beacon, but instead he had them all killed by Cinder. "I was sure he was going to have them win..."

"Same." Gaben agreed. "This is almost no different from how Burnie ended volume 3, right?"

"Yeah... fucking Burnie. Changing up my shit..." Monty said.

"Hey. It can't be all bad. At least he's not turning RWBY into some kind of corporate cash cow, right?"

"Yeah... I guess so." Monty agreed. "The series is still going pretty strong. I think he started Volume 4 a month ago."

"Awesome." Gabe said. He then clapped his hands and nine red orbs appeared. Each orb had the symbols of each of the nine mercenaries on them. Their souls. "Guess this is the end for this particular bunch of boys."  
"Heh, it's the end of this crossover man. We got to shut everything down."

"Yeah..." Gabe then looked at his watch, and his eyes went wide.

"Oh dear, I got to get back to the real world!"

"You leaving Gabe?" Asked Monty to which the fat man nodded.

"Yep! Valve needs someone to manage all those Steam sales." He opened up a portal.

"K." Monty made an 'OK' sign.

"See you later Monty. Hope you have a wonderful afterlife." Gaben waved as he left back to the real world.

"Hope you have a great life Gabe!" Monty shouted after him. "At least you're still alive..." Monty moved over to the world containing the TF2 X RWBY crossover of chief of RAGE, and waved his hand to close it.

Ever since his death, Monty had been wandering the Void. He saw his parents, Gods, angels, dead loved ones and all that shit, but like the hard working man he was in life, he worked harder afterwards. But you know, since him are very dead, he can't necessarily work on RWBY itself, his life's work. So, instead of working on the show, he decided he'll just hang around and monitor fans of the show's fanfictions. He was... mixed with what he got, but it still brought him joy to see fans writing good pieces of work. Even crossovers such as this one.

"Wonder why these edgy kids end their stories on such sad notes... Would it kill ya to get a happy ending for once? This story was going pretty good until it hit the end of Volume 3. Then again, I guess if he keeps going with this then it'll just end however Burnie decides to end RWBY, but it won't be much of a crossover without those mercenary guys." His hand moved away from the portal as more fanfics for RWBY popped up.

"Ah, fuck it... I'll leave this one for a while. Got some smut to take care of..." He moved away from the world and went to take care of some other fanfic worlds.

* * *

 **Mann Co. HQ of _Mercs in Remnant_**

"Bloody Hell..." Saxton Hale, one of the manliest men to have ever existed, watched as the world around them faded into black. When I say fade, I meant everything faded into blackness in a matter similar to how Grimm dissolve. Saxton Hale himself was beginning to fade, but his sheer manliness prevented the process from happening faster, somehow...

The fat bastard from the Void came back and dropped off eight basketball sized orbs for Saxton, and then he just started fading the world to nonexistence.

"M-mister... Hale..." Bidwell reached for Hale's ankle before he faded away completely.

"Confound this end of the world nonsense!" Hale yelled. "I can't even punch it!" He slammed his fist into a wall and found the wall instantly crumbled from being weakened by fading of the world.

"If only there was some way to stop this..." Hale wondered. "I still owe that pale bitch back in Remnant a good beating!" The CEO of Mann Co. wondered on how he could stop the fading as he walked through Mann Co. HQ. Heavy's family had already faded away, and most of the building itself threatened to collapse on itself because of the fading. Seeing that he was shit out of luck, Hale sat himself down at a break room which was relatively still unfaded. He smashed the cabinet containing alcohol and started chugging down the hardest drink he could find. Hale stopped drinking when he realized it simply leaked out through the faded holes in his body.

"Ugh... can't the world end any faster?" Hale was bored. The fading was taking too damn long and he was actually thinking about suicide, but the last time an Australian tried that, the bullet was too scared to strike the Australian lest it shatter on impact. At least that's what Australians like to claim...

Then Saxton remembered something.

"Wait a second... YOU!" He yelled, pointing at the fucking author...

Wait, what!?

"YOU! STOP MAKING THE WORLD FADE AWAY!"

U-um...

"DON'T 'UM' ME YOU BLOODY WANKER! STOP THIS NOW!"

Well... I'm flattered you still want to exist, but you see... I...

"You what?"

...

I can't. I lost what-

"Oh , that's a load of garbage, mate! Move over!"

Wait! Saxton Hale what the fuck!? Get out of my screen! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

 **Real World**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I scream as motherfucking Saxton Hale climbs out of my computer monitor. "WHAT THE FUCK!? WHAT THE FUCK!? THIS ISN'T NORMAL! AHHHHHHH-" Hale placed a manly hand over my mouth. His hand nearly covered my face as the nine balls containing the mercs' souls dropped out with him.

"Stop that bloody screaming mate and tell me what you've lost!" Hale demanded. I push myself away from him.

"Augh! How the fuck are you breaking the fourth wall to the most literal degree I have ever seen?" I said.

"I just do, mate! That's how my character works!" Hale stated. "By the way, you're not freaking out about this as much as people usually would. Usually they lose their sanity and have to be sent to the mental ward."

"I- wait... you've done this to people before?" I wondered.

"Plenty of times! Who do you think was responsible for delivering Saxton Male to those lucky chaps, hmm?"

"Oh... shit. okay then..." I trailed off. "Wait a second, if you can keep breaking the fourth wall to the point where you are a real person, then why the fuck didn't you come back earlier in my story!? How in the actual Hell..." I drone on a rant about how Saxton Hale being able to do this absolutely breaks all forms of logic before he slaps me.

"Do NOT overthink this! All you have to know is that I can break the fourth wall."

"Yeah, but why didn't you come back earlier whenever you wanted?"

"Um... that's because you didn't want me too..." Hale said. "...and I was legitimately interested for where the story was going."

"Really?"

"Yeah, actually. I waited to see if I do beat that Salem's face in!" Hale smiled. "Speaking of which, was that supposed to happen before you ended it?"

"Yeah." I answer gingerly.

"Awesome mate!" Hale yelled, before he realized something. "Hold on a second, if you're the author, then that means you're actually the one responsible for me coming into reality." I start looking uncomfortable.

"Which means that what's happening right now is still being typed by you! Also meaning that the story is still going! But if you're here... then doesn't this count as a self-insert? I mean you are literally typing out every sentence of my dialogue while you have story you shrink into your chair at how uncomfortable I'm making you feel for calling you out."

"..."

"Whew... that was a mouthful to say." Hale exhaled. "What do you have to say to that mate? I just broke the fifth wall!"

"..." I remain silent before opening my mouth. "...I think we should both stop overthinking this."

"Agreed." Hale smiled and shook my hand. That's when he noticed all the bumps and bruises on my body.

"What happened to you mate? You look like you got into a boxing match with a kangaroo." I look up to Saxton's face. He was way taller than me. I was like 5'3 and he's like 7 foot something.

"Well..." I turn away from Saxton and show him the rest of my place. It was completely wrecked. "...it's more like I got into a fight with a Rooster." I lay a hand towards the Roosterteeth symbol spray painted in red across my living room. The words "Hey Fuckface, FUCK OFF! - Love Burnie Burns" were also spray painted underneath it.

"...more like a bunch of cockheads."

* * *

 **A week ago, when chapter 29 was published**

"Fuck me..." I relax in me chair. A fresh chapter out after only 5 hours of typing. "Can't wait for people to possibly talk shit and or love it..." I take a sip of water and constantly spam 'manage stories' because I'm an overeager pussy who wants to see what people think of it.

*spamming of button intensifies* Then, le new review pops up.

Stryker Mikazuki J:

IMMMMMA SKIN YA ALIVE. After you finish this story, that is.

...

"Hehehe... that won't be for a while." I laugh.

Suddenly, there's a knock on my door. "What the fuck..." I look at the time. "No one's supposed to be home yet..." Though we didn't live in a poor area now, it was just instinctive from my days back in the ghetto to bring a knife to the door. No one just knocks on the door at this time unless it was people asking for something... or Jehovah's Witness.

Knife lowered, I look through the blinds by the door. Blinds in the ghetto are turned downwards instead of up so that you can see whoever is outside, but people outside can't see you. " _Let's see, three white guys... probably Jehovah's Witness or even from the city..._ " I'm not racist, it's just that when you're home alone and a bunch of people come to your house, that is an open invitation for them to come in and rape/murder you while you're home alone. Even if they're the most harmless looking people ever. Fuck, if eight little children knock on my door, I wouldn't answer solely because eight little kids is enough to overrun one guy.

I stayed watching them with the knife in hand until I saw they left. "Guess I didn't need this then..." I threw the knife back to the kitchen.

"Time to spam that review button again!" I jump back to the desk and happily spam the review button until more pop up. Then I hear a car revving up outside.

"What the fu-" A fucking armored car crashes right through my house and out come several heavily armed people in kevlar and wielding law enforcement M4 Carbines, MP5s, and Remington 870 police issue shotguns.

"*girly screams*" I'm a pussy.

"SHUT UP!" A SWAT guy hits me with the butt of his M4 as the other guys secure the house.

"CLEAR!" They called out. They then lined up like soldiers as someone came walking out of the hole in the wall. More like three someones.

"Oh my God..." I gasp.

"Hey! Don't use the Lord's name in vain you stupid fuck!" Geoff Ramsey shouted before taking a swig of his beer.

"Well, well, well... look who's home alone!" Burnie Burns laughed with his hands on his hips. Burnie Burns, Geoff Ramsey, and Matt Hullum of Roosterteeth productions were in my goddamn house.

"Ah...urg? Ehhhhhhhhhhhh?" I gibberish.

"Shut up!" Burnie slaps me while he and Matt get close on me. Geoff went to my refrigerator.

"Listen here you little fuck..." Burnie grabs me by the collar, but I'm heavier than he thought and Matt ended up helping him hold me awkwardly. "We at Roosterteeth don't appreciate how successful you've gotten off of our property..."

"Hey fuckface!" Geoff called from the kitchen as he just ran out of the booze he brought with him. "Where do you keep your booze?"

"It should be in the Blue Moon box!" I yell. "Bottom shelf!"

"Thanks!" Geoff smiled as he got some booze and joined Burnie and Matt in hustling me.

"W-what do you mean success?" I shake.

"'What do you mean success?' Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit!" Burnie slaps me again.

"OW!"

"Don't play dumb with us!" Matt shouted in my face. I'm pretty much crying. Yeah, I'm a pussy.

"I don't know what you're talking about..." Burnie was going to slap me again had Matt not stopped him.

"Burnie, please." Matt calmly said. Then he threw me on my desk and stuck my face on the computer screen. "THIS YOU LITTLE BITCH!" My eyes desperately look around and I see it was on my Fanfiction account. _Mercs in Remnant..._

"What!? That's what this is all about!? *face slammed on table* AH FUCK!"

"You bet this cool Blue Moon that's what this is about!" Geoff took a sip. "Thanks for the Blue Moon by the way!"

"Your welcome... but what the fuck is wrong with you guys!?" I yell. "It's fanfiction, FANFICTION! We don't need your permission for this unless we intend on making money off of it!"

"That's where you're wrong, motherfucker!" Burnie snaps his fingers and a SWAT guy comes up with a big book that said "Laws of the Universe" on it. The SWAT guy bowed on his knee like a squire giving a sword to his lord. Geoff clumsily flips through the book until it reaches this entire crossed out section save for some words written in bright red sharpie.

"It says right here in the 'Laws of the Universe' that we totally can take your right to do this!" He moves my face close to the book where I see the red words say 'ROOSTERTEETH TOTALLY CAN TAKE YOUR SHIT AWAY- Love Joel Heyman.'

"Are you fucking-"

"Serious!? Yes we are! Now give us the rights to your story so we can erase this shit off the planet!" Matt yelled.

"WHY!?"

"BECAUSE! We want people to pay attention to the show instead of some shitty fanfic!" Burnie stated.

"But can't they like do both at once?" Geoff asked, seemingly on my side.

"Shut the fuck up, Geoff. You're drunk." Matt said.

"Oh yeah! *slaps me* fuck you!" Geoff slaps me again and again.

"Yeah, okay, Geoff, Geoff! Stop! That's enough." Burnie stopped Geoff and Geoff apologized before slapping me one more time for good measure. "For fuck's sake... anyway! Either you peacefully end your shitty story or we execute you and your family."

"..." No words. Just... what the hell?

"Don't you fucking be silent to me! Make a decision."

"So you're going to kill me and my family over a story with only like 100 favorites and followers?" I said with a completely straight face despite all the pain I was feeling right now.

"You got that right *burp*" Geoff confirmed. I cannot believe this fuckshit. Three men from Roosterteeth, a company I really love, just destroyed my home and threatened to slaughter me and my family over a story. Burnie offered me a paper contract that basically said I give them my full promise that I'll delete the story and/or give them the rights to use the story if they want to capitalize off of it.

"Fuck you guys... I'll do it." What else was I supposed to say? Rather live than die over a crossover. I sign the contract.

"Excellent." Burnie and Matt let me go. Then Burnie clapped his hands. "SWAT guys! Come beat his ass!"

"YES SIR!" The SWAT guys pull out their batons or use the butts of their guns to start beating me up.

"Ow! Augh! Ugh! OWCH! WHAT THE FUCK!? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!? I SAID I'LL DO IT!" I shout as I mercilessly get police brutalized.

"This is to make sure you do as we ask!" Burnie laughed alongside Matt and Geoff as I get my ass beat.

"BUT AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO DO THIS IF I DON'T DO IT!? OW!" They stop laughing and beating me as they just realized I called them out on their bullshit.

...

"Let's do it anyway! HAHAHA!" They kept laughing at me as the SWAT kept doing their jobs.

"STOP RESISTING!" One yelled.

"OW! I'm not! GAH!" They stopped beating me soon after I said that. I couldn't move a single muscle because everything hurt.

"Alright boys." Burnie clapped his hands. "Mission accomplished!" The SWAT guys cheer, shooting their guns in the air, ruining my ceiling.

"Wait!" Matt halted them. "Do you know what we should do next?" He had a troll face on as he looked back at me. "We should wreck his place!" They all cheered again as I just looked crushed at how fuck stupid these villains were.

" _Maybe we should leave him alone_." I whisper in a girly voice in hopes that they actually listen. They stopped, and actually started considering it.

"Naaaaaah! Let's do it!" Burnie, Geoff, and Matt got sledgehammers and started destroying my house in slow mo while the SWAT guys shot up everything. One guy got back in the armored truck and started driving it in and out of the house.

"No, not the geisha!" A SWAT guy smashed a geisha statue on the floor.

"Not the Picasso!" Burnie smashed my paintings. I see Geoff pouring gasoline on the sofa.

"Not the- well actually, we were going to get a new one anyway..." He then lit it on fire. They kept wrecking my home while I just lay there in helpless pain. "Why does this feel like a twisted RT short?" I say to myself.

"Oh yeah!" Burnie heard me. "That's a great idea! We should make an RT short about a home invasion just like this one!" The SWAT guys agree with him. They got done wrecking my shit and soon packed into the armored car. This is when I saw the armored car was actually a SWAT truck repainted all black with the Roosterteeth logo on it. It read 'Roosterteeth Security Forces' on it.

"Alrighty then..." Burnie said out the back hatch of the truck. "Make sure you do what we asked, asshole!"

"K..." I raise a thumbs up.

"Geoff! Hurry up!" Matt yelled as they made room for Geoff who just stole the last of my parents Blue Moon.

"And as a farewell gift..." Burnie pulled out an RPG-7. He then taped a note on it. The note said "CEASE AND FUCKING DESIST- Love Roosterteeth."

"FUCK YOU!" Burnie yelled happily as the rocket blew the last wall of my house down. I just lay down on the floor, still processing what just happened.

"Fuck..." The only word I said as I sat back up at my computer which was magically intact through that whole ordeal. Then they suddenly came back.

"By the way! We're keeping your family hostage until RTX is over!" Burnie yelled from the passenger seat. "And you're not allowed in RTX until you do what we say! No hard feelings by the way! We did this only because we want to keep our property safe."

"Sure..." I said, looking around at my ruined house.

"Glad you understand, now come on boys! We got some punk down the street writing a Red Vs. Blue crossover with Naruto!" They sped off with the SWAT guys shooting their guns wildly in the air.

I sigh as I watch them go away to a house down the street. "I don't think I'm going to watch any of their content-" Suddenly, an arrow is lodged in my foot. "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WHAT THE FUCK!?" I reached and pulled it out while crying like a little bitch. There was a note on the arrow, and I squint my eyes down the street to see Burnie waving at me from my neighbor's house. There was a bow in his hand as the SWAT guys performed a "tactical" takedown on the house.

"As reparations for the damages we rightfully done, you get free access to every RT show! Just use this number-" I rip up the fucking note, and I hear gunshots and screams happening from down the street.

"Fuck my life..."

* * *

 **Now**

"And that's what happened." I finished my story for Saxton Hale. "Turns out Burnie is an asshole..."

"Well that's only because you made him an-"  
"Saxton! We agreed to not overthink this!"

"Oh right! Sorry!" Hale apologized.

"So yeah... I had to end the story or get my family killed because Roosterteeth got butthurt over the meager success it got. Sounds a lot like YouTube copyright, but worse!" I cover my face with my hands. "I don't know what to do, Sax."

"Yeah don't call me Sax." Hale said. "Sax is what my friends call me."

"Sorry, I don't know how I'm going to keep the story going with you guys if Roosterteeth is doing this to me..." Then, I got a call on my phone. I put it on speaker and put my finger to my lips so Saxton knew to hush.

"Hello?"

"Sup dude! It's me, Burnie! I took the liberty of adding me to your contacts! Did you end your story yet?"

"...yes. Yes I did."

"Hahaha-bullshit. I got Barbara looking at Fanfic right now and it' still there." I gulp. "Listen pal, if you want to die, I got no problem with sending the boys over there. You remember the boys right? Those guys with the guns and shit?"

"Y-yes."

"Good! Now unless you want me to schedule you a play date with them, I suggest you get to killing your story right away." Burnie hung up, and I threw my phone out to the yard since there are like no walls left in my house.

"FUCK YOU!" A hawk then comes and steals my phone. "...*crying*"

Saxton awkwardly sits on my burned couch while he watches me cry. Then he gets tired of my state of being a pussy.

*MANLY SLAP* A slap so powerful, I flew out into my backward.

"*wheezing*" Saxton grabs me and stands me up like a man.

"Snap out of it man!" Hale yelled.

"I'm 17."

"Still! You're a man in my book! So what if they're going to kill your family over a story?"

"That's actually a pretty big-" Saxton raised his hand as if to slap me again and I immediately shut the fuck up.

"If you are a real man, then you're gonna go over to those rotten fucks and beat them to death until they give you the rights to your story back!"

"Maybe you can do that, but I can't!" I raise my comparatively scrawny arms for Saxton to see.

"Oh right... But still! You can't just let them do this! Especially me! If I let you go through with this, then I would never know what happens if I meet that witch again! So what do you say, are we going to get your story back and continue it for the readers, or are you going to go down like a little bitch?"

I look at Saxton, and back down to the floor. "Well, I suppose no one likes a little bitch... fuck it. I'll do it, but if I die it is totally your fault Saxton!"

"HOT SAUCE!" Hale cheered with a fist in the air. "Now, where do we start looking?"

"Here." I go up to my computer and type up RTX. "Bellevue, Washington." Saxton and I look through the information as I scroll through it.

"But first... we need the boys back." I said. "We can't do this with just the two of us. Lord Gaben will be there, and... and... you know how OP he is..."

"Pffft! Is that it? Don't worry mate! I got ya!" Saxton Hale gathers up the orbs of the mercenaries, took a pen, and wrote "REVIVED" on each of them. The nine souls began glowing a whitish red, and the mercs were instantly back to life.

"Here they are mate!" Hale grinned as he took the confused and shocked mercs in his manly arms.

"Well... that was so much easier than expected..." I said, afraid that the mercs will kill me. They really were confused. Every single one of them had their guns out, thinking Cinder was still around.

"Where are we!?" Heavy yelled as he angrily looked around for the Fall Maiden.

"You! Where are we?" Spy asked me.

"Um... Earth." I said. "But... just not the Earth you guys know." I gulp as they gave me looks.

"What do you mean by that, son?" Engie said in a polite Texan voice.

"Settle down fellas... this is gonna take a while..."

* * *

 **Ten Minutes Later**

"...and that's how this all happened." I finished explaining to the mercenaries, and they still looked confused.

"So... you're saying we're not real?" Scout asked.

"Uh... from a matter of perspective, yes." I answered.

"We were in a story?" Sniper asked.

"That's what I said..." I got really nervous as I feared they were gonna butcher the fuck out of me. "Listen fellas, it may be a story, but I know you guys still want to help Remnant out." I say in hopes of getting their minds off of killing me for no reason.

"So you're the reason why we all failed to save Beacon?" Spy said. He looked really serious, and the first thing I thought was 'fuck.'

"...yes. Please understand that I was forced too!" I said, reminding him what I had to lose.

"I see..." To my surprise, the mercenaries didn't seem angry in the slightest. They seemed more... depressed. I can't blame them. They just had their lives come to an end when they thought victory was near, and now they were made aware of how they're technically not real people.

"Were we supposed to win at least?" Demo asked. I nod my head.

"If you guys were going to lose, I had to make sure it wasn't a total curb stomp or else the readers would get angry. As if deleting the story wasn't angering enough..." They all fell silent again, until I realized I was still beaten up.

"Hey Medic, I'm not sure if it's too soon to ask, but can you heal me up?" Medic said nothing as he did that, and I just shake at how unusual it actually feels to be healed. "Thanks."

"You brought us here for a reason..." Spy stood up.

"Technically, Saxton brought you here..." He didn't seem to care for what I had to say.

"After hearing your story, it seems like you want us to help you get the rights to the story back from this, 'Roosterteeth'. Correct?" I nod my head.

"Yeh."

"Then what do we have to do?" The other mercenaries stood up alongside Spy and Saxton Hale, looking fucking glorious against the sunset. I hold up 11 plane tickets headed for Bellevue, Washington.

"We have a flight to catch..." I put sunglasses on in an attempt to look cool, but I end up poking my eye. "OW! Damn it! I can never do anything right..." The fact the mercs began laughing at me didn't help how I felt at all.

* * *

 **This is probably the cringiest thing to have happened yet in this story, but it's happening. Gaben and Monty will play much bigger roles when you see how big RTX is this time around. This will be only two parts and we can finally get back to sending the boys back to Remnant. I have hinted to much insanity happening, and none of y'all except for the ones I told took it seriously. Here it is.**

 **It's also nice to see the positive feedback to the lore parts. There will be more as things come along. By the way, I have no hate against Roosterteeth or Burnie and the other men I brought up. I love Roosterteeth to death.**

 **Also, to the Guests, put a name for yourself or suffer a 12.7 mm round to the face. Just kidding, but do it anyway.**

 **Review** **Responses:**

 **Mr Green37: Just made up based on what we know. Exactly!**

 **Battle9921: I kind of envisioned myself speaking it since I don't know a lot of people who speak like that. You heard my voice. Imagine it.**

 **Stryker Mikazuki J: Git betta.**

 **MrtheratedG: Yes, they're dead in Remnant, but for how much longer? The actions in the next part will tell.**

 **Time: Fucking damn it... why you make me cry?**

 **Awesome Arod: Isn't that next year though?**

 **TF2RWBYCrossover: I know... tis quite a sad occasion when everyone's favorite gang of fighters die.**

 **Gaspachu: Yep. You'll see how in the next part.**

 **BLUScout859: They'll be back, Scout. You get to whoop ass soon enough!**

 **Unzealots: I have Call of Duty and Battlefield, but I'm garbage at Call of Duty and I have to redownload Battlefield. I have Gmod if you want to play some gamemode on that. I'd rather you talk to me on Steam since you know, you have me on it.**

 **An Peepul: Glad to see they actually work for you guys! The other one will contain the rest of the mercenaries.**

 **Guest: SAXTON HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**

 **Other Guest: I don't listen to metal very often, but yeah Battlefield medics are insane! And there is no BLU team in this since this is after they formed into one group.**

 **questioneer: *sad face***

 **An Peepul: Talked 2 you in Steam. Ok.**

 **A fan: We'll see.**


	2. Intermission: Got it Back!

**Skies of Bellevue Washington**

The mercs, Hale, and I took a plane from Sacramento heading straight for Bellevue where we intend on getting my shit back. Funny enough, nobody on the plane seemed to question why nine dudes in gear and a ripped shirtless guy were on the plane. I guess they thought we were cosplayers or something.

"I see... so the kids are all divided, hmm?" Spy asked. I finished explaining what happened at the end of Volume 3, and they looked all sad and crap again.

"Yep. Sad business, I know, but that's what happened." I said to them.

"But can you not erase old chapter and still make us win battle?" Heavy asked. There was a kid kicking his seat and he was getting annoyed.

"A fucking retcon? Nah man. People wish I retconned the part where I introduce mysel-... people would get pissed is I just change it out of the blue." I shrug. "I'm not aiming to have another group looking for my ass, you know?"

"Heavy sees..."

"I'm glad you understand... Oh shit! Look alive boys! We're here!" Looking out of the plane windows, we can see the city of Bellevue down below.

"Holy Mary mother of Joseph..." Soldier gasped.

Bellevue was huge. This is the city where Valve Corporation was based, and it soon became the city Valve owned. It was only this year that Valve acquired a fuck ton of money to somehow buy the entire city and make it part of its own little Valve country. Isn't that against the Constitution? But anyway, The city was bought by Valve for only one purpose. To host the first Valve Con. Not just Valve Con at that, but also RTX, E3, PAX, Comic Con, and Anime Expo. If Valve was going to have its first convention then Gabe Newell wanted to make sure it was one everyone could remember.

"Hey guys?"

"Yes?"

"My only rule for you is, unless absolutely necessary... no weapons. We don't need any attention on us right at the airport." Then a little more thinking. "And try your hardest to act like normal people."

* * *

 **Down in the City itself**

We were now down in Bellevue proper, and the mercenaries were very confused at what they were looking at. You know how at conventions they have stands for people showcasing their stuff? Well here they have entire buildings courtesy of Lord Gaben. There were also these hordes of people dressed up weirdly, and some looked just like familiar faces. Buildings were covered in banners and signs that mark them out for PAX, RTX, or whatever else owns them. However, the biggest attraction of the city was Valve HQ itself. This is where the panels for all of them will be held. A giant ass building that pretty much covered most of the city center. What the fuck is all that space used for? Storing money, hats, skins, even games for Steam sales? Who knows...

I tried my damnest to stay hidden. Burnie had these giant television monitors installed everywhere that had advertising for Roosterteeth products everywhere. All the major conventions here had them, but Roosterteeth ones caught my attention because sometimes an ad would play for butthurt fanfic authors.

" _Hey, hey, hey convention goers! Fuck that was corny, but what's up? It's me! Burnie Burns of Roosterteeth Productions! This is just a little announcement for all those fanfic authors we've politely dealt with, so if you happen to be one, just drop by our security stations and we could talk this out!"_

"Fucking Burnie..." It was obvious. That guy is just leading other fanfic authors like me into a very fucking obvious trap. What got my attention though is how many authors did they do this to exactly for it to be such a problem to be talked about at RTX?

"Yellow Dragon!" Heavy put his huge hands on the shoulder of someone who looked like Yang Xiao Long, but was surprised when she turned around.

"Yes?" She responded. This woman had brown eyes instead of purple. She was with this little cosplay group consisting of Team RWBY cosplayers. "Hey! You're like that Heavy guy from Team Fortress, right?

"Yes! Yes he is!" I say in an attempt to stop anything from fucking up. "I'm sorry about my friend here, he's just a little 'friendly' you know?"

"Oh I totally get it!" She giggles. "Want to take a picture with us?" Heavy looks at me and I nervously nod.

"Da. Heavy will take picture with girls!" He smiles with his thumbs up.

"Oooh! You even sound like him!" They all pose with Heavy awkwardly holding his thumbs up as they take the picture.

"That was strange..." Heavy said as the girls walked off somewhere. "Is this thing people do?"

"Yep. It's called cosplay. Personally, I would do it but I'm poor as balls." We then lay our eyes on a gathering of TF2 cosplayers. "You see those guys over there?"

"Yeah, they're supposed to be us?" Scout sneered. "None of them got any of my looks though! I oughta go there and show 'em-" Scout is pulled back by Spy.

"William, no. If this young lad here says that fat man is here, then we can't risk attracting any attention- where's Pyro?" Pyro was missing.

"Shit..." I say. "EVERYONE LOOK FOR PYRO BEFORE HE KILLS SOMEONE!" We spread out and immediately start searching for our masked pyromaniac.

"Pyro?" Spy flipped around a Pyro cosplayer with the completely wrong mask. "My apologies."

"Pyro?" Sniper flipped around a Pyro cosplayer with a Hello Kitty mask. "Uh... apologies mate."

"Demon from Hell?" Medic called out to which several demon looking cosplayers raised their hands. "Ugh..."

"I found him!" Soldier pointed over at this building that was entirely a game room. Pyro was playing a game with some guys. We run over, and found that he was completely dominating everyone in the room as itself in TF2.

"FUCKING FUCK!" Someone in the back can be heard yelling. "PYRO TAKES NO SKILL YOU FUCKING NOOB!" Someone else yelled. "SPAMMER!" Another guy got so angry that he grabbed his computer and threw it into a crowd of people. He was then tazed the fuck out by security when they came over. The crew seemed intrigued to find out that they're actually video game characters, but there was no time to wonder. I can't let those security guys see me.

"Let's get out of here before they see me!" We grab Pyro and hustle it out of there. "Okay... they don't seem to know that I'm here yet... and they don't know you guys are the real deal." I then notice Saxton Hale was missing the whole time. "...we are so screwed."

"Don't worry about Hale mate. I'm sure he'll keep himself behaved till we're ready." Demo said.

"Demo's right, boy. We need to focus on the mission at hand." Spy told me.

"Fine... now we can't just walk into the hall since security is bound to beat the shit out of me again..." I then see a single SWAT truck parked in an alleyway. The guards appeared to be just fucking around instead of doing their jobs. Then a crazy idea come to my mind from watching too damn many movies... and Call of Duty. "Hé, regardez ici. (Hey, look here.)" I say to Spy.

"Tu parle français? (You speak French?)"

"Me? Fuck no. I just felt like saying that cuz I got a French boi with me, but see those truck?" Spy nodded his head. "Thinking of some sneakin'?" Spy smiles at me.

"If you insist..."

"Okay! Wait here guys! And promise you won't kill/murder/rape/torture/be weird, okay?"

"What are we supposed to do? Act like civilians?" Soldier asks.

"Just stay here until we get back!" I yell as Spy and I approach the truck. "I seriously hope they don't fuck this up..." I say to Spy as we're walking.

"So do I..." He ducks into an alley and turns into a guard. He then violently grabs me by the neck.

"Ow! What the fuck!? We didn't even come up with a plan yet!" I yell. Seriously, it hurts to be handled like this.

"That's why _I_ did." Spy chuckled in a guard voice. We then approached the guard truck. "Hey guys..." Spy began. "I found this little shit wanderin' around the place." He throws me out in front of them.

"Ha! What's this one in for?" One guard asked.

"A fuckin' fanfic author." Spy laughed. "He thinks he can just sneak right in here and get his shit back!" The guards and Spy laugh their asses off.

"Good work bro!" The guards pull out their weapons. "Now let's kick his ass!" They then move in to do that.

"Woah! What the fuck is wrong with you guys!?" I yell. "Is nonsensical police violence standard protocol or some shit!?" One pulls out a guard manual (it was more like a sticky note) and all it said was 'police brutality is best policy.'

"...fuck." I cringe in fear as they move in, but Spy stops them.

"Hold on boys! Don't ya think the boss wants to 'ave a word with him before we beat 'em?" The guards stop in place. "After all, he probably wants first hit on this little bitch. Am I right?"

"Yeah, guess he's right guys..." The guards put their weapons away. "Throw him in the back. We'll take him to Burnie later." I'm thrown in the back and Spy comes in to make sure I'm cuffed or whatever excuse he said to them.

"You good?" Spy asked, still disguised. I nod my head. Suddenly, a guard opens up the hatch and Spy immediately slaps me. "SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" He then violently cuffs me.

"What the fuck man!?" The guard who opened the hatch said. Spy froze in place, thinking he possibly did something that compromised the mission. To his relief, the guard simply pulled out a baton and smiled. "Save some bitch for me!" He then starts beating me. Spy simply sighs in relief and gets ready to backstab this bitch... then it happened.

Spy and the guard didn't notice it, but I was so tired of this brutality bullshit that I reached for the guard's Glock 17 and pistol whipped him with it. Spy was surprised as he watched me jump on the guard, still pistol whipping his fucking face in.

"FUCK  
YOU  
LITTLE  
FUCK-FACED

SON  
OF  
A  
WHORE!"

The guard is barely alive as I reached for the hatch to close it, and then I blew his brains out. It may have been a mistake to close the hatch since the sound of a gunshot in a confined space made Spy and I nearly go deaf.

"Ah fuck me..." I fall on my back, clutching my ears as a cartoonish amount of blood covered the interior of the truck. I flick a middle finger towards the dead guard. "Bitch..."

"Is this your first time killing another man?" Spy asks. "You're taking this surprisingly well..."

"Watched combat footage all the time..." I explain. "I've seen multiple people get blown to pieces and shot to death. That and shootings were pretty regular back where I used to live... Not the same as killing someone close up, but eh..." I then realize how this was a mistake. "Fuck... what about those guys outside..."

"Don't worry." Spy goes to the hatch and stops before opening it. "I'll take care of them..." HE leaves.

"'kay..." I said, still covering my ears due to the painful ringing sensation from firing the gun. I think I could hear muffled grunts and stuff outside of the truck, and Spy suddenly comes into the driver seat.

"What did you do?" I see Spy had more blood on him than last time.

"Take a guess." He undisguised himself since the tinted windows of the truck made it impossible for people to see through. "Now to find our friends..." Spy then sees they are not at the spot we told them to wait anymore except for Sniper and Engineer. "Fuck..."

"What happened?" I say as I look out from his side. I also saw what he saw. "...here's thinking I could trust you guys to help me out..." No! What the hell am I saying? I need to harden the fuck up! No time to bitch out now! "Okay... so we just got to find them and take them in a very non-suspicious manner, then maybe we can sneak into the headquarters and find Burnie..."

...

"Look alive mate." Sniper nudged Engie's side as a SWAT truck rolled up next to them. Engie slowly reached for his pockets, but Sniper stopped him. "Easy mate... let's see where this is going..." The window rolled down, and to their relief it is Spy.

"Howdy, partners." Spy smiled. "You're under arrest."

"Real funny, Frenchie." Engie smiled back as he in Sniper went to the back hatch. They were surprised at all the blood and dead guy with me.

"Get in." I said, not looking away from a pamphlet detailing the major events of the day.

"Why is the security here so terrible..." Engie wonders as he peaks out a window. Sniper is peaking out too.

"It's because their 'rulebook' says they just have to beat the shit out of people..." I say, still looking for anything helpful.

"No... I mean why do they suck at being security guards..." Engie leads me to the window, and I see they genuinely do suck at being guards. These guards behaved more like hooligans hired from jail or some shit than trained security personnel.

"This might be why..." Sniper was searching through the dead guard's corpse, and found that he used to be a death row inmate. He pulled out a paper that was a contract with Roosterteeth.

"In exchange for your freedom, you will swear to enforce the will of Roosterteeth everywhere you go..." Sniper read aloud.

"Guess that explains it then..." Engie said. We drive on a little more, and eventually we found Demoman. It wasn't hard convincing people that we were legitimately taking Demo in since he was as drunk as a motherfucker. We found that he had went and drained 3 bars of their drinks and beat up several angry pedestrians and cosplayers aiming to fight him. We then found Scout taking pictures with multiple cosplayers, posing as if he were the shit.

"Oh man! I love this place!" Scout loved all the attention he was getting from the people snapping photos of him and nice cosplayers he was talking too. He especially liked the female anime cosplayers...

"Hey there ladies..." He walked up to a few cosplayers of the Highschool DXD series. "I was just wonderin' if anyone of ya..." He flexed his puny muscles. "...are interested in some heavy lifting?" The girls laugh at him and just walk away. "What? Oh right! I see! You need some time to consider my offer then, okay!" Scout watched them leave before laying his eyes on some more cosaplyers.

"Hello lade- GAAAH!" Scout was just knocked to the side by a SWAT truck, and four figures in guard uniform came out. No one seemed to question why they were covered in blood, only understanding that their yells of 'FUCKING PEDOPHILE' and 'PERVERT' was the reason why they were taking him in. Scout was dragged inside the truck and we quickly reveal it was us before he could get to shooting.

"What the Hell fellas?" He yelled. "I was tryin' to work my magic so I could... I could... gain some intel, yeah!" He lied. "And why's Pyro in the driver's seat?" We were all as shocked as shit to see Pyro snuck into the truck somehow when we picked up Scout.

"Hmmhllo!" Pyro muffled out a greeting. By some miracle of fate, Pyro was driving like a normal person. Obeying all traffic laws and shit. Honestly, this might be more suspicious than just driving GTA style since all other cops in this place drive as if this were GTA V. How many lawsuits/ people killed have happened already?

"Why's the real world so crazy?" Engie asked.

"I don't fucking know..." I get back to the map. "I gues it's just the corrupting influence of Gaben or some shit..." Then, a crackling was heard on the radio. "Shhhhhhhh! Everyone hush!" I motion to Spy who had moved to the passenger seat. "Turn it up..."

 _"All units, be on the look out for a dark-skinnned Asian hobbit..."_

"What the fuck?" I'm offended. "I'm not that short!"

" _He was last seen at the airport, trying to hide with nine TF2 cosplayers."_

We all look at each other, and we knew right away that we had to hurry...

* * *

 **Some time later**

It was surprisingly easy to get the other mercenaries. Heavy and Medic had to restrain and hide Soldier when he tried to jump some cosplayers who claimed they were terrorists from some series. Whether they were terrorists against America did not matter at all to Soldier, but what Soldier thought also didn't matter to Medic as he tranquilized him and hid.

"What do ve do now?" Medic asked. He was in the process of waking up Soldier as Spy parked the truck on the side of a street. Their were no vehicles on the street save for trolleys and shit for public transportation. The roads were reserved for convetion personnel/important people/ guards.

"Incompetent or not, it's only a matter of time before those guard blokes realize one truck is actin suspicious..." Sniper added.

"Say no more..." I was smiling as I just found something quite useful. "Lord Gaben is hosting a huge panel with all the other convention leaders soon..." Everyone looked as I pointed at the event I circled in red marker. "Everyone has to be there no matter who they are." I look up at them with a smile.

"...including us." Then my smile turned into a straight face. "...then we need to figure out how we're going to actually do it..."

* * *

 **Valve HQ Convention Hall**

"Holy-" I am interrupted by Sniper.

"Mate, if you curse again I'm going to have to fill your mouth with soap to wash all that filth out!" Sniper threatened. Maybe I do curse a lot...

"Holy Jeebus..." The hall was unrealistically huge. It could fit a fucking highway where North Korean style parades were held, and the place could easily hold the entire population of the city with no problem at all. Currently, we were driving down in a convoy of SWAT trucks leading up to the main stage where Gaben was. The security forces of each convention had to line up with whoever hired them, and since the gang and I had Roosterteeth security uniforms, we had to stand under the Roosterteeth panel. Right where Burnie is...

"O-okay..." I'm shaking a little from fear since the truck stopped and we were supposed to dismount and get in an orderly formation with other guards. "Remember, try not to fuck up..." We exit the vehicle, and I immediately fall flat on my face.

"Heh, speak for yourself..." Spy laughed as he picked me up to my feet.

"No worries lad, we got this..." Demo assured me.

Luckily, fortune was on our side and we were the closest to line up to the stage. The parade kept going for another agonizing fifteen minutes, Anime and comic cosplayers were marching along, the 501st legion was marching, all that shit... you get the deal. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm being lazy here because fuck me this is stressful please kill me why am I doing this?

The parade finally ends, and the panel begins with an opening speech from Gabe Newell.

"Ladies and gentleman, I'm Gabe Newell, and I welcome you to the capital of our wonderful new nation of Valveland!" The crowd cheers. "I hope you enjoy all of our esteemed and honorable guests here..." He waved his hands toward the other convention leaders, lights and names lighting up as his hands waved over them. "For I have a very special announcement to make!" The crowd goes silent, wondering what President Gabe Newell has to say.

"I have been speaking with the leaders of Anime Expo, Comic Con, Roosterteeth and its associates, and Pax among other groups, that nerd culture is highly misunderstood in this world!" Murmurs from the audience is what he got in response. "There is no nation in the world that accepts who we are! The only place that did before the creation of this fine new country wasn't even a real place! And that place is known as the internet! Now, it is with great pleasure that I announce that I, Gabe Newell, has decided to make this country a fine utopia for all of nerd culture!"

The crowd cheers at that ludicrous statement. "Hold on! I'm not done yet, there's more! I'm happy to announce, that the new nation of Valveland will but the United States and annex all of its territory in the name of geekdom!"

" _What the fu- I mean heck?"_ I whisper. I zone out the speech for a bit when I consider that I have serious stage fright. Even if I do go on the stage and hope to gun everyone down, I would just freeze because of how many people are watching me.

*BANG*

"What!?" I jumped. "What happened!?" I look in shock as the guard in front of me fell to the floor with a hole in his helmet. It seemed like I was shaking so much in fear that I accidentally killed the guy in front of me. The mercenaries were wide eyed, and I simply looked up with a straight face. "Fuck it..." I start firing into the guards around us. The mercs shrugged and simply got to work whoopin' ass. The crowd began panicking and clearing out the building had a giant Half-Life 2 style shield kept them inside. The shield also served the purpose of protecting them from gunfire as the mercs and I fought the security forces.

"Holy shit!" Burnie screamed at the sudden turn of events. All the convention leaders ducked under their bullet proof stands as bullets went flying everywhere.

"Fuck me!" I duck and panic as we're getting shot at. "Thiswasamistakethiswasamistakethiswasamistake-*slap*" Soldier slapped the fuck out of me and stood me up.

"Grow a pair of balls, sissy!" He tells me before blowing up some SWAT trucks belonging to Anime Expo. Some of the trucks had fucking machine guns, sometimes even miniguns, mounted on them, and the guards were using them against us. Thankfully, Soldier and Demoman were on the job while everyone else focused on the guards. Sniper was counter-sniping the various snipers posted around the place so that we don't get our asses headshotted.

Spy was close combating the shit out of a group of guards, using his Ambassador and Butterfly Knife to devastating effect. "Boy!" He called out to me. I was struggling to reload a pistol with shaky hands when I heard him over the sounds of battle.

"The fuck do you want!?" I'm still struggling with the gun. I only used a gun once before okay?

"That man! Get him!" I look over, and saw he was talking about Burnie and the Roossterteeth gang.

"B-but-"

"SON! IF YOU SHOW ONE MORE SIGN OF BEING A LITTLE BITCH, THEN YOU'RE GOING TO EAT THIS GODDAMN AMERICAN BOOT!" Soldier threatened as he was ripping heads off with his bare hands.

"Fuck! Okay! I'll do it!" I look up on stage and saw gaurds had come to escort out of there safely. Gulping, I decided to load my fucking pistol first before going up there. "Okay, magazine in, release slide, ready to shoot..." I take a few deep breaths... then I jump on stage.

"FUCK MY LIFE!" I yell as I run towards the Roosterteeth gang.

"Oh shit!" Burnie shouted out when the guard holding him got shot in the shoulder. His heart stopped when he saw it was me. He didn't recognize it was me though since I was still wearing the SWAT uniform with helmet, but still...

"Drop that son of a bitch!" He ordered. I freeze. Time seemed to slow down as bullets come flying at me. Memories of my life flow through my mind as the bullets slowly came at me. Then, subconsciously, my hands came together to pull the pin on a flashbang. It was just instinct I guess, but the grenade flew over to them and it was miraculously hit by one of their bullet's while it was right in front of them.

I'm pretty sure that would actually destroy the grenade or something, but it blew up into a blinding flash anyway and it stunned all of them. Simple shit, pistol raised, I shot the down guards as I got to them, but then the Glock ran out. Some of the guards were already recovering and were about to be on my ass soon, so I just threw the Glock at them and rushed them with my bare fucking hands.

It didn't end well. I had a fist ready to sock a dude in the face, but he simply turned his M870 around and slammed the butt into my helmet. Instead of you know, fucking shooting me, these guys decide to be total fucking assholes and beat the shit out of me again.

The beating didn't last long as suddenly, six of them were dropped on the spot and a giant fucking needle struck me in the chest. I turn and see Spy and Medic giving me a thumbs up. Spy's Ambassador was smoking and Medic had his Crusader's Crossbow out. Miraculously, it worked on me.

There was time to celebrate as a lot of guards were still up, so I tackled the bastard with the M870 and bashed his brains in with the butt of the shotgun.

"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT!?" I yell at him. His only response was death gurgles, and I quickly brought the shotgun out on the other guards.

 _Butt firmly against the shoulder, more like a push than a kick... is the M870 capable of slam fire?_

I shot a guy and pumped the gun while still holding the trigger. Nothing came out.

 _Nope. Not capable of slam fire._

I quickly empty the shotgun on a further 7 guys before using it as a straight up club on them. I'm no expert in melee combat, but I was doing surprisingly-

"OWWWWWWW!"

...nevermind.

A guard slammed his baton on the back of my head, but I did not fall. Simple, I turn around and clock the bastard with a right hook to his mostly exposed face. I'm short as a motherfucker, but the one thing I do have is boxing...and some Muay Thai.

He brought his baton around to hit my head again, but I covered my side with a raised elbow and land a solid hit on his side and then a knee on his chest. My hand went for his pistol as he went down, and then I accidentally shot his balls off when another guard scared me with a bullet flying near my head. Using the man who's balls I just blew off as a shield, I returned fire to the best of my ability. I was trash at the shooting range, but it hardly mattered this close up. The gun ran out of ammo again, and I let go of the very dead motherfucker as I jump for an M4 on a dead guard.

I never used a carbine or a normal length rifle for that matter, but there was no time to bitch about weapon preferences. Bullets left the muzzle as I sprayed the fuck out of them with the full magazine of 5.56x45mm rounds. Someone who had a riot shield decided to pull it out, and he was now advancing towards me with his pistol in his free hand.

"Oh fuck you man!" I never liked fighting riot shields in the games. His pistol eventually ran out, and he just rushed me with the full force of the shield. I gasp in pain as he pins me as if he were Rheinhardt Wilhelm up this bitch. Thinking subconsciously, I get out my own baton and started trying to bash it against his arm as I couldn't fully reach him behind the shield. I was struggling for breath as the shield was crushing me against the floor. Then he was sniped.

"Thanks Sniper..." I wheeze out as I stood up and used the shield. There was nothing I could do as bullets banged against the bulletproof material of the shield. Well... bulletproof is not entirely accurate. It's more like bullet resistant, but you get it. I had no guns, nothing to throw, no nothing. I look back and saw the mercs were now struggling with these... what the fuck.

Apparently, Roosterteeth invested in making armies of those Tex robots or whatever they fuck they were in Red Vs. Blue, and they were now fighting the guys.

"Dammit... where are you Hale!?" I scream for our only hope. He didn't come, but then bullets stopped hitting my shield. The shield was so fucked up, that I was certain that just a few more bullets would break it. I couldn't even see through it anymore with all the cracks and stuff on it, so I cautiously peek my head out and saw that the remaining six guards apparently ran out of ammo.

"What the fuck is wrong with you guys!?" I hear Burnie yelling. "Who carries only two clips for their guns!?"

I'm bad at melee, but this was all I got. Yelling, I rushed them with the shield. Like I said, the shield was so fucked up that it actually broke in half when I tackled the first guard. The guards thought they were the shit, but they stopped being so smug when they saw me bash the down guard's head with one half of the broken shield.

In a moment of awesome ass whooping that only happens with much adrenaline, I bashed guards left and right with half of a riot shield. One managed to grab it and throw it away from me, but a dropkick quickly shut him the fuck up. I slipped a hit from another's baton and got him with a good uppercut to his chest and then another to his face.

"BOXING, BITCH!" I taunted as I stomped on his balls. I heard a gun click right behind me, and I drop to my knees as I heard a bang. The ringing sound hurt my ears, but I still backwards headbutted this one guy who still had a gun's balls. This time, the pistol was a M1911A1 Colt .45. Pretty much my favorite pistol and only gun I used before this whole mess started.

It was simple shit then. I shot him and four more guards with five of the remaining six rounds in the gun, but then the last guard fucked me up with an uppercut. I lost the gun, and this motherfucker took up a boxing stance.

"Shit..."

I may have took boxing, but I was typically trash against others in the ring. Mostly because I was afraid of fighting other boxers instead of regular guys. Crippling fear reduced me into a little bitch, and this guy whooped my ass. Whenever I'd throw a punch, he would either slip it or block it to put one right in my face. My fist came in with an uppercut, but he leaned away from that and got me with a kick to my knee. I screamed as it felt like he broke it, but I still fought on.

In that whole shameful exchange, I landed no hits while the other guy fucked me up. He grinned as he landed a hit strong enough to knock me on my back. He placed his foot on my chest, and I hear the Roosterteeth crew laughing as they walked up to me.

"Hahaha! You stupid motherfucker!" Burnie clapped like a villain. "Finish him." The guard nodded, but he screamed in pain when a .45 round was landed in his shoulder, the last bullet in the gun that I miraculously landed near. The Roosterteeth crew looked horrified as I bashed his face in with the pistol, before turning my attention on them. What else was I going to do? Fight him as an outclassed, unskilled, boxer? Fuck that shit. I just killed him so there's no going back.

"Sup." I greeted them as I look for another magazine for my favorite gun.

"Listen pal..." Burnie looked afraid as the other Roosterteeth members crowded behind him. "...we don't want any trouble."

"Kill Burnie first!" Geoff yelled.

"Nobody else got to die today unless you give me my shit back..." I threatened them with the gun.

"Wait a second..." Burnie was shocked as I took my helmet off, and threw it at him. "Ow! Fuck!"

"How it feel, bitch?" I smiled. "I have been getting my ass beaten non stop for the last-"

*BANG BANG BANG*

"...fuck. Now I know how the boys felt when Cinder fucked them up..." I fell back as three .45 rounds struck me in the back. It was one of those moments where there was so much pain, that it didn't even hurt if that made any sense. The fact that Burnie also pulled out a gun he had this whole time to fill me with holes didn't make it any better.

"Hahaha! You stupid son of a bitch

"Gabe Newell! Took you long enough!" Burnie shook Gabe's hand as I saw he had a smoking Peacemaker in his hand. The situation had gone to absolute shit. Not only did Roosterteeth invest in those fucking Tex droids, but they also got a small army of TEAM FUCKING RWBY look a likes who fight exactly like them but obedient to their every will. That's not what beat the mercenaries though, no, they still destroyed several of them even though they looked just like Team RWBY. What stopped the mercenaries was that Gabe had frozen them in place.

"No problem, Burnie. I was just waiting to see if I really did need to use my powers..." Gaben held a hand out in front of me. "I'll just send them back to the Valveverse. This guy too..."

"Gabe..." I say before the mercenaries and I were sucked into the Source Engine, otherwise known as Valveverse. Gabe then clapped his hands, and everyone who was killed was brought back to life. He also wiped the entire crowd's memories clean.

 _Take your places._ He telepathically said to all the convention leaders. The meeting then resumed as if nothing happened.

* * *

 **Valveverse**

"Look!" Louis yelled for the other main characters of the Valve games to see when a portal opened up. The mercs and I fell right out of it.

"Goddamn..." Frances leaned in close to us. "You all look like shit... I hate shit."

"Shut up Francis!" Zoey said to the biker. "Hmm..." She was leaning near me.

"Dying..." I gasp.

"Yeah... I can see that."

"Er muss geheilt werden." A German soldier from Day of Defeat: Source said in Deutsch. Since these our Valve characters, they dropped several health kits on me, and the bullet holes magically disappeared.

"Thanks..." I give them a thumbs up and I stand to my feet. "Where the hell are we?"

"Your in the Source Engine, friend." Barney Calhoun said before Lamarr the headcrab jumped on him. "Ah! Fuckin' headhumpers!"

"She has a name, Barney!" Dr. Kleiner and Gordon Freeman came in from a door that said 'Half-Life' on it.

* * *

 **Later**

Turns out this Valveverse is more like a rich neighborhood looking place where each expensive house represented a place where Valve games lived. It was a very nice, picturesque landscape that sort of reminded me of Tuscany. Currently, every single character from every Valve game made was in a country club looking place as we talked about what happened to us earlier.

Oh, and it turned out Gabe had actually caught Saxton Hale earlier when he somehow stealthed all the way to him.

"Well that sucks..." Nick from the second Left 4 Dead said as he relaxed onto a couch.

"That reminds of the time my buddy Keith and-" Everyone pointed their weapons at Ellis, and he shut the fuck up.

"We would like to help you out kid..." A character from Alien Swarm, a game I'm not familiar with, began. "...but none of us feel like getting banned." The Valve characters agree on that one, except for the mercs of course.

"Yeah! We like our lives here." Some of the terrorists from Counter Strike said. It was a miracle Soldier didn't jump them. Maybe he didn't realize they were terrorists.

"Come on!" I shout. "Don't you guys wish there was more to being Valve characters than endless skins and hats!?" I got murmurs that can be summed up as 'not really.'

"Dammit."

The Valve characters stayed behind in the Country Club. That included the mercenaries since they seemed to want to get to know the other characters. Apparently, TF2 was the only game that didn't have their own house here. Guess Gaben wanted to preserve them in their own game to keep up hat sales or something. Wait a second, are the Valve characters only aware that they are video game characters when they're in this place? When I had the mercs travel through Half'Life 2 and Left 4 dead offscreen (when their asses were dropped in the middle of Amity Coliseum), they were totally shocked to find other worlds existed. Yet here in the Source Engine, they were fully aware of it!

Fuck my brain hurts... but anyway, as for me? I went outside to sulk like an edgy bastard. I hate edgy bastards. I have become what I hate. Even more edge...

I hear something rustling in the bushes next to me, and I some Combine Soldiers with party hats and cans of booze in their hands. They were also playing obnoxiously loud music.

"Sup bruh." The leader, an Elite, said. He then somehow downed his can through his mask and crushed it against his forehead.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" They all cheer.

"Oh no... fucc bois..." I said under my breath.

"Mind if we use your spot bruh?" I didn't get a chance to say no as they just set up shop and started partying. "Thanks man!" Some zombies from Left 4 Dead and some other enemy characters came in to party with them.

"What is this... 'Wreck it Ralph'?" I said to myself as I walk off. I sat by a tree stump where I found Saxton Hale, sad that he was easily defeated by that fat guy again. Not wanting to sit by him, I see the only house that had plants growing over it. It was heavily decayed, and it was quite sad looking.

"That looks like a good place to be sad in..."

I enter the house, and found that it was actually never finished. Worse yet, the place was full of headcrabs. These headcrabs didn't even want to make me their host, they just fucked with me by slamming themselves into me for shits and giggles. If headcrabs could laugh, then they would totally be doing it right now as the football sized pieces of shit kept jumping into me.

"Ow! Ow! OW!" I rush into a closet and close the door. Banging was still felt on the door as the little shits kept trying to fuck with me. It then stopped, and I see a little headcrab arm stick out from under the door with a note.

"Pwease come out. No jump no more. :)" I stomped on its arm, and it pulled it back away from the door. That's when I notice this room was as dark as shit. I'm afraid of the dark, yet I didn't want to go back out there and get dogpiled by headcrabs. Luckily, I saw a light coming from a crack in a rotted dresser, and I desperately reached for it.

*opens le dresser*

Me: *gasps*

* * *

"So... this your biggest gun?" Heavy was being shown the heaviest weapons used in the Alien Swarm games while the other Valve characters kept mingling with each other. Then suddenly, a Combine Soldier was thrown into the middle of the floor, and all the characters looked towards the entrance.

"Glad I got your attentions..." I was smiling like a mad man, and there was something under my arm covered by some cloth.

"What's the meaning of this, son?" Engie asked.

"Yeah, what happened to the little coward we know and love?" Soldier said as he peeked his eyes out from under his helmet.

"It better not be a bomb!" All the Counter-Terrorists from Counter Strike pointed their guns at me, but for once, I wasn't scared.

"It's something much better than a bomb..." I reveal the object, and all their jaws dropped.

"Let's get back to the real world. Gaben would want to see this..."

* * *

 **Real World**

"Alright! Thank you all for coming today, and I hope you enjoy your new homes!" Gabe was proud. He just convinced hundreds of thousands, maybe even a million people to become citizens of the new country of Geekland. Eh... they'll change the name later. Then he saw several strange figures wearing cloaks walking into the hall instead of exiting it. They simply stood there while the civilians exited, and the security forces got into position.

The Team RWBY androids (think something like Penny where they look just like regular Humans) were on standby as well as the Texes. Gaben was hoping he didn't have to use his powers again. It was no drain on him, but he found it was just tedious to use it to solve problems he shouldn't be dealing with in the first place.

"Please leave." One guard ordered through a megaphone. He was going to say something else, but a bullet bored its way into his skull when a CT sniper hit him with an AWP. We reveal ourselves. Everyone from DOTA, Alien Swarm, Day of Defeat, Team Fortress 2, Left 4 Dead series, Portal, and the Half-Life series, had their weapons loaded for a serious ass kicking.

"We have unfinished business!." I yelled

"What!?" They couldn't hear me since the hall was so huge, my words couldn't be made out from this distance.

"I said we had unfinished business!" I yelled louder.

"What!? We can't hear you!" Barbara Dunkelman shouted.

"Yeah we can't hear you man!" Michael Jones yelled.

"I SAID WE HAD UNFINISHED BUSINEES!" I yelled louder, misspelling 'business' in the process.

"WHAT!?" Everyone on stage yelled back.

"I SAID- Ah fuck it!" I pull out a Glock Coach gave me. "LET'S DO THIS SHIT!" I led the charge, but all the other characters were so much faster than me and I end up getting run over. "OW! OW! FUCK! STOP IT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHO STEPPED ON MY BALLS!?"

Severe pain to my body aside, we absolutely fucked them up. The army of guards screamed in horror as they were easily cut down by the guns of Counter-Strike, TF2, Left 4 Dead, Day of Defeat, and Alien Swarm. They were ripped to pieces by the claws and fangs of Headcrab Zombies, Left 4 Dead Zombies, the Aliens from Alien Swarm, and other melee monsters from Valve. That, and Saxton Hale unleashed the full might of his manliness on all of them, and you know how Hale do...

The Dota heroes did a fuck ton of damage with their magic and shit, but I'm not going to explain what they did cuz I ain't never played Dota.

Long story short, we curbed stomped them. What about the RWBY and Tex andorids? We also fucked them up. There was simply too much manliness contained in our quest for Roosterteeth's android investment fuckery. We all close in on the stage where the convention leaders were cowering behind Gaben who was sitting still during the entire ordeal.

"Interesting... how did you get them to follow you?" Gabe asked in a regular voice. "Normally, these characters wouldn't dare raise a finger against me..." I was still far in the back, dragging myself over there after getting stampeded on.

"Yeah? Well we did you fat bastard!" Bill yelled. They point all their weapons at Gabe, but he still seemed completely unfazed by it all. "FIRE!"

"No wait!" I yelled, but it was too late. They opened fire on Gabe, to find that an invisble shield kept him completely intact. Gabe sighed, and pointed a finger at them.

"All of your attacks have been delayed for three centuries." With those words, no one was able to use their guns! Some of them rushed on stage to hit him in melee, but they found that whenever they tried to swing at him, they would stop just short of hitting him in the face.

"Gah!" Hale was frustrated. "Let me punch-" SAXTON HALE HAS BEEN MUTED BY GABEN.

"There. Fight over." A portal opened up, and they all began levitating. "Back to the Source Engine everyone..." That's when he noticed I wasn't levitating. "Impossible... how are you resisting my control?"

I smile at him, and I suddenly don't look fucked up anymore. "I know your weakness..."

"What do you mean..." Gabe actually looked like he was tensing up. "Please explain young man..."

"Why explain when I can show you..." Suddenly, the physics gun from Gmod is in my hands. That's when... that is the moment where Gabe knew exactly what happened. I had Admin powers because Garry's Mod.

"No..." He gasped as I used them to bring all the Valve Characters back to my side. "FUCKING GARRY'S MOD!?" He literally exploded out of his seat, making shockwaves that knocked against everything and everyone. "I HAD THAT LOCKED UP YEARS AGO!"

"Yeah, well I found it!" I laugh. "This game was my shit back in the day, and I was so sad to see it get removed from Steam..."

"I'm not putting that shit back in the Steam store, you dark skinn- uhhh... no that's racist... you young piece of shit!"

"That's only one of two demands!" I yell. "My other demand, is that you give me my shit back!"

"What are you talking about?"

"My fucking story! You know? _Mercs in Remnant?_ " Gears ticked in Gabe's mind when he finally realized what I was saying.

"But you ended that story." He said in a simple manner.

"Only because..." I grab Burnie with the Physgun. "HE... took it from me!"

"I don't know what the fu-" I start gently smacking Burnie into the stage. "Ow! Quit it!" I freeze his torso in place and start making him punch himself. "Ow! Fuck! Okay! Yes we did it!" Gabe glared daggers at him.

"Explain." Gabe demanded.

"I'm not sayi- *further pain* Ow! We did it because we wanted to capitalize off our fan's stuff! Every single fanfic involving Roosterteeth property was confiscated!" I drop him and he crawls away. "Please don't hurt me anymore..."

"Well, that's all fine and good young man, but what do you want me to do about it?" Gabe asked me. I was disappointed that he seemed to be actually totally okay with Burnie doing this, but I had one more ace up my sleeve.

"You're not going to fix this?" I said with a smile.

"I don't see why I should." Gabe shrugged. "I need Roosterteeth as part of my..." Gabe's mouth stopped moving and his eyes went wide at the sight of Half Life 3 in my hands.

"You were saying?" I smiled like a cheeky cunt as I put a knife against the game as if to slit its throat... somehow. Gabe was totally silent for a moment, and an uncomfortable silence filled the hall. No one wanted to make a sound. That was until Gabe began moving his lips again.

"Let me get this straight... you got your story taken away from you, probably been beaten several time, come to my city, kill several if not all the guards, get sent to the Source Engine where you were supposed to be stuck in forever, found Garry's Mod, brought every single character from every Valve game to fight me, and now you are threatening me, Gabe Newell, the Lord of Everything with Half-Life... Half-Life..." He stopped short of saying 3 every time.

"Half-Life 3." I finished for him as I slowly nodded my head. He also nodded his head.

"You went through all of this... just for a story?"

"That and Roosterteeth is holding my fucking family hostage... yeah." I shrugged as Gabe started laughing.

"You went through Hell just for all of this?" Gabe smiled while I nodded again. "That is some serious dedication you got there young man!"

"I-I guess..." Good thing he doesn't know I'm a total coward.

"Okay... listen up..." Gabe waved me over and I noclipped over to him. "I'll do it." The rights to my story suddenly appear in my hands and I squeal with joy. "I could use a guy like you at Valve... how old are you?"

"17."

"Pfffft! Let's just say you're 18 and you're hired, eh?"

"Really!?" I had a huge smile on my face. "I get to work at Valve!?"

"More than just that, you get to become a full on leader here in my new nation. Full access to everything the other leaders have too, since I'm making you my second in command."

"Can I be something lower though?"

"Haha-wait... why?"

"Positions of power scare me." I said truthfully.

"Okay..."

There we go. Gabe gave me full permission to punish Roosterteeth, but all I did was wipe their memories so that they are now just like how everyone sees them in ACTUAL real life. Breaking the meta too hard, am I?

Well anyway, I returned the rights to every single fanfic author Roosterteeth raided with their security forces. As for all the dead guards? I had them all revived and sent them back to jail since every single one of them actually were inmates Roosterteeth hired for cheap, and started looking for actual trained guys with skills to act as security.

"Well... turns out I actually do get a happy ending!" I laughed as portals were opened up for the Valve characters to return to the Valveverse. I opened up a separate portal so that the mercs can return to _Mercs in Remnant_.

"Are you sure you don't want to come along with us?" They asked as they stopped right before the portal.

"Nah, people are going to bitch about it in the reviews if I add myself. The reviews will probably bitch about this last chapter too." I explained. "Plus... if I actually was in Remnant I would probably die right away."

"Speaking of yourself, what is your name anyway?" Spy asked. "We only know you as the 'author'."

"And little coward!" Soldier added.

"Oh... my name is... well... if my readers added me on Steam and bothered to check it out... fuck it. My name is Sorun Chhim." I said, a little afraid you guys are going to fuck me up for revealing my actual name. "And no... I'm serious with not going to Remnant."

"Suit yourself, mate." Sniper said as he entered the portal. Engie was suddenly stopped when I brought him to me.

"Hold on cowboy... I got something for you."

"What is it boss?" He wondered. I pulled out a very ornate Colt Single Action Army Revolvers and handed it to him.

"This is for you. Now you can be a true cowboy!" I slap him on the back.

"Gee! Thanks partner!" He waved me goody with his gloved hand as he went into the portal, and it closed after that.

That's when I stopped smiling.

"Oh shit... his hand is still fucked..." I remembered that his Gunslinger was melted. "How am I going to fix that..." I wondered, but then I stopped because that's not how I write.

"Time to spawn a computer!"

* * *

 **And we're done with this! Only the other part of the mercenaries' backgrounds left and we'll be back to the actual story. Again, this was just a joke since I really didn't feel like jumping into Volume 4 right away. Just some fun stuff to read until I'm ready. As for myself in this little thing, I wrote myself as close to how I actually am as possible with the imagination of mind mixed with it. I really am a cowardly bastard.**

 **Hey, you seen the new story out there? "Remnant's New Mercenaries"? You should check it out. It be done by my boi TF2RwbyCrossover, an extremely specific name, and it starts off pretty good. Speaking of which, read Awesome Arod's story too. Him story am call "A New Beginning For RED." Both of these guys came forward and straight up say they be inspire by me, and all I have to say to that is that I have come full circle.**

 **For those of you who don't know, I was inspired to write this from my boi ATTF's stories, and now I'm inspiering other bois to write stuff. Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I am 100,000% honored to know that, and I cannot be more thankful to find that Fanfiction was not a sea of treachery and despair where people hated each other.**

 **I appreciate everything guys, and Madlice since she's the only one who actually said she was a girl.**

 **Review Responses:**

 **MrtheratedG: It's okay.**

 **Stryker Mikazuki J: LEARN!**

 **A fan: Okay. I understand.**

 **M1903A4: Yeah. I believe the A4 was the sniper variant used in World War II. And you have plenty of imagination. Just got to mine it out of your mind, then you can smoke as much as you want.**

 **Wd21: Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Your welcome.**

 **FrankZTank13: Yeah, I had to look it up, but it was only because I was in the mood for something crazy and funny.**

 **Swaglord: You will see.**


	3. Christmas Special 2016

**Merry Christmas mes amies, mi amigos, miei amici, mein freunde, my friends! Yes, I am aware that it is late for Christmas, and that is because my computer's graphics card failed and nothing would show up on my screen. Apologies for something that was totally out of my hands, but here it be.**

 **Edit: This is extremely late. But here it is.**

 **This is non canon, but let's just say this is set in an alternate bullshit where the mercs continue being teachers at Beacon as usual. Is why this is in extras.**

* * *

 **Mercs' Classroom**

It was strange. The students the mercs were supposed to teach today were sitting in the classroom all alone. As in no teachers were there, no mercenaries. Snow covered the land outside as it was now Winter, but Winter break had not begun yet. All of them had been awkwardly sitting in the class waiting for the teachers for the last five minutes.

"...where are they?" Weiss sighed, looking at the clock.

"Maybe they thought Winter break started early?" Blake suggested.

"That's ridiculous! Teachers here should know when things like Winter break happen."

Now the students were chilling out in class, hanging around since it seemed like they were going to have it easy today. Which got boring pretty quickly. There wasn't a lot to do other than just talk about the hottest gossip in the school, news in Remnant that actually interested the students, dick around, dick around on their scrolls, etc. It was cool that the period was over, but come now, boredom kills everything. That and a lot of the students liked the mercs anyway despite some of the bullshit they made them do in the past. It's an interesting class and no one's got a failing grade in it.

If you think about it, the class activities were quite simple most of the time. They usually involve getting into fights and other skills the mercs actually felt like teaching them. Relatively easy stuff. At least there's no homework or tests. THANK THE MAKER.

"Maybe they're sick! Infected with a nasty virus or something!' Nora's hyperactive imagination was at it again. "Then it'll be our duty to teach the class while our poor teachers are sick! I nominate myself as Demoman!" She cleared her throat. "Oy, maties! This is yer Professor Demo speakin'!" Wow, such Demoman imitation.

"What'd you think? :)"

"I think your missing that whole drunk thing he's got going for him." Jaune chuckled.

"Either way! I will be this class's Demoman now!" Nora jumped on top of her seat and posed with her fists on her hips, proud to be the Demowoman, or rather Demogirl. Her chair then tipped over since Jaune was too slow to stop it from falling. While Team JNPR was laughing at the funny little scene that just happened, Ruby just remembered something. Something Sniper asked her yesterday.

* * *

 **Quick Flashback**

"What're you gonna do for Christmas?" Sniper asked the girl when she came over to the house to pick up her lost Crescent Rose.

"What's Christmas?" She asked innocently.

The girl didn't associate the festively decorated mercs' place with any sort of holiday even though there were presents, lights, and wrappings everywhere. It was just like Halloween but not threatening or scary. When she asked what Christmas was, Sniper straight faced. So did everyone else because they heard what she said. Seemingly for no reason other than an innocent question, they shunned her.

"Um... what did I do?" She clutched Crescent Rose tightly, inching her way to the front door as she feared they were going to jump her. The nine of them smiled as if they had telepathically came up with a plan somehow.

"Go on. Get out of here. We got stuff to do."

* * *

 **The Present**

"I think they're doing something called 'Christmas'."

"What's Christmas?" Weiss questioned.

"I dunno. Must be some thing people on Earth do."

"Ugh... I hope it's got nothing to do with ghosts like that other thing they do. What was it called again?" Yang was still scared of ghosts.

"Halloween." Blake answered for her. "Didn't they say Halloween is supposed to be a nice holiday?"

"Yeah, they said something about candy getting passed out!" Ruby drooled, but then stopped when she realized she didn't get any. "Ahh... but we didn't get any... Hope this Christmas thing gives us candy too!"

"Knowing those guys, something bad will probably happen even if its supposed to be a holiday..."Weiss grumbled.

So the class time passed by mostly uneventfully. Not a lot happened other than Nora pretending to be Demoman and massive boredom. Thankfully, the bell rung and now it was time for lunch. The rest of the day passed as normal, just no sign of the mercenaries anywhere. Today was a short day on occasion of it being the Friday before Winter break. At the end of classes, students went back to their dorms, getting ready to leave the academy so they could go see their families.

Team RWBY considered going to the mercs' place to see why they didn't come, but they figured they were probably back on Earth. Thinking that Winter Break started early and were now relaxing on their homeworld. Speaking of homes, it's about time the students went home.

Then, tragedy struck.

"This is a weather broadcast from the VNN, informing all citizens to be aware of an incoming blizzard. " A weatherman reported, making students waiting in the auditorium despair. Looks like they won't be going home today. The weatherman droned on about how all travel by air is cut and for everyone to stay inside shelter. This just made a lot of the students grumpy and a bit angry at their current predicament. They really didn't want the possibility of spending their whole winter break at Beacon becoming a reality.

Let's not forget the blizzard itself as it was just now hitting the land. It was freeze your balls off cold. Even a person like Weiss who is used to the cold climate of Atlas was shivering like crazy. The other students weren't fairing much better. Currently, Team RWBY was drudging their way through the rapidly piling snow as the harsh winds of cold blew against their faces.

"L-l-look o-on the br-bright side..." Yang shivered. "At-"

"Yang, I swear if you make an ice or snow related pun I WILL DESTROY YOU!" Weiss threatened.

"Okay, geez... snowflake." Yang got a cheeky look as snowflakes did pile up on Weiss, but then again they were piling up on all of them.

"Oh... that desert the professors live in sure sounds nice right about now, right?" Ruby said, actually missing the hot desert of the Badlands.

"Sure Ruby, but doesn't it rain in deserts in winter- Waaagh!" Blake's question was stopped when she slipped on ice over the frozen pathways. The other girls except for Weiss laughed with her, but then Blake playfully dragged Yang down and Yang grabbed onto Ruby in the process of falling, making three girls laughing on the ground.

"Humph... dolts..." Weiss sneered before she got a snowball thrown at her face. "Hey! What was- Oof!" More snowballs were thrown on her until the sheer weight of snow covering her face forced her to finally fall down.

"Haha! Look! It's a Weiss angel!" Ruby snickered at her friend's position. Weiss had landed sprawled out into the snow and it looked sort of like a snow angel before the snow covered it back up again.

"Very funny, now come on! This blizzard's getting worse!"

"Ah, come on! Don't want to have any fun in the snow? Isn't that like your thing, Ice Queen?" Yang cheekied.

"No! I mean this blizzard is seriously getting worse! Look at those guys over there!" The heiress pointed over to some other students out in the snow. These students also made the unwise choice to muck about in the snow, and now they looked like they were near frozen.

"Oh... okay, maybe we should get inside."

* * *

 **Beacon Cafeteria**

Well that sucks. This blizzard was so much worse than what everyone expected so now a lot of the students were trapped in the cafeteria. That includes Team RWBY and a lot of their friends. Not only were they salty about not going home, but now they were bored as all Hell again. There was for real nothing to do this time, especially since the blizzard seemed to interfere with scroll connections. No internet either, shit.

"Ugh... _Ren!_ " Nora patted a hand on the Asian looking kid while her face was right up against the table, bored. " _Do something fuuuun!"_ She complained.

"Well unless your definition of fun is to meditate with me, then I guess you're out of luck." He simply responded without opening his eyes from his meditative position. Team RWBY was playing that one strategy card game thing where you play as each of the major kingdoms. Pyyrha and Jaune were at the windows with a lot of other students, watching as the snow kept piling up.

"I activate my trap guard..." Blake lazily raised a card, just as bored as the rest. Then, her cat ears detected the jingling of bells. The Human students hadn't noticed yet, but a lot of the Faunus students did.

"Something wrong, Blakey?" Yang questioned. Then, she heard it too. "What is that?" The jingling grew louder and louder until everyone heard it.

"Sounds like it's coming from outside..." Ruby said, making a valid point based on the sound.

"Who's crazy enough to be outside in this weather-" Weiss was interrupted when gasps and awes from the students by the windows alerted everyone else.

"Look!" Pyyrha had her face against the window while everyone came running to see what was up. She had to strain her eyes through the cloudiness of the blizzard to make out a dark shape moving around outside. It was rather large, and driving up next to them!

"Hohoho!" A thick Russian accent laughed jollily and loudly as Sniper's camper van drove by the glass, much to the shock of the students. The camper van was different. The vehicle was decorated with Christmas lights, wrapping paper, and some of those leaf things whose name I never learned. There were also cardboard cutouts of reindeer at the front.

"Merry Christmas!"

"Professor Heavy! Come inside!" The students yelled for him. They were certain he was gonna freeze to death out there.

However, he looked perfectly fine under the red and blue robes he was wearing. The van disappeared near the entrance to the cafeteria, but that's when everyone realized that there was snow blocking the way. And then there wasn't. A blast of fire was heard over the loud winds of the blizzard and the doors flew open with the nine mercenaries coming inside. Pyro had it's Flamethrower out, meaning he obviously melted the snow. They got weird looks thrown at them when the other eight were wearing green clothing and had elf ears and bell hats.

"What's with the -" A random student got a present thrown at her, much to everyone's shock.

"Haha! Everyone! I am Ded Moroz, and I am here to spread much joy and happiness to you all!" Heavy cheered as he was dressed as the Slavic version of Santa Claus.

"And I am Santa Claus! Here to do the exact same with my squad of elite American Christmas Elves!" Soldier also yelled.

"No you're not! You're an elf like the rest of us!" Sniper corrected him.

"Oh... well we're Santa Claus' elite squad of Elf special forces!"

"Christmas? What's a-" Yang got a present thrown at her also.

"PRESENTS FOR EVERYONE!" It was a total massacre as the students scrambled for cover as the craziest professors Beacon has ever seen were now attacking them with presents. Worse yet, the cafeteria had no other way of leaving. Random students were getting hit left and right as Team RWBY and JNPR desperately took cover behind a flipped table.

"A table? Silly children! Table is no match for Christmas!" Heavy cocked an arm back all the way with a present in it, and threw it at the table with such force that it blew up. The eight teens flew everywhere with Ruby landing flat on her back from the force she just felt, the present landing right on top of her.

"Ruby!" Yang cradled her sister, ignoring the Vietnam levels of screams as the students kept getting cut down with presents.

Demoman started packing some of the smaller presents into his grenade launchers and were shooting them at the students while Soldier did something similar with his rocket launchers. Poor little Velvet was alone here. Her team was stuck in their dorm and now the bunny faced annihilation from professors she thought were her friends. She hid underneath a part of a broken table, but unfortunately, Ded Moroz saw her.

"YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE JOY, TINY RABBIT!" Heavy yelled as he lifted the table up. Velvet squeaked in terror and curled herself up, waiting for Heavy to rekt her. Then, she saw something get gently placed by her. Looking up, she saw Heavy was now standing with his hands on his hips with a proud smile on his face. "Open it! It is gift!" The other mercs had stopped throwing presents as now everyone got one.

"Go ahead everyone! Open your gifts! From your professors to you!" Spy called out. The students hesitated for obvious reasons. They liked the professors, but these were still the guys who would blow them up and beat the shit out of them as class curriculum.

"Here, Velvet. Let Ded Moroz help you." Heavy knelt down and sat little Velvet on his lap. The giant Russian then unwrapped the present for her to reveal a pair of bunny slippers. "Is for you." He pressed the slippers against her chest and patted her head.

"Um... thank you, Professor Heavy."

"Am not Heavy Weapons Guy, I am Ded Moroz! Slavic spirit of Christmas!" Then by some miracle of fucking magic, Heavy was able to spray snow out from his extended arms like he was an ice wizard. Guess he was Ded Moroz then. After all, Slavic Santa is basicall regular Santa Claus but if you made him an ice wizard as well. Seeing that Velvet's present actually was something harmless, the students began opening their gifts albeit hesitantly.

"What the?" Yang said when she unwrapped the present on top of Ruby.

It was a festive Machina. Damn, what luck! Those don't even exist! At the sight of such a weapon, Ruby instantly felt better and sat up to cradle her newest baby. As for everyone else, there were mixed results. Some got awesome gifts like baked treats Heavy's family and guns made while others got unnecessary stuff like nuts and bolts and rocks. It's worth mentioning that some of the gifts were video games.

"Wait, you're saying you assaulted us only to give us a bunch of presents!?" Weiss fumed at her teachers' carelessness.

"Assault? What are you talkin' about?" Scout grinned. "We gave out a bunch of presents to all of you."

"Yeah, but why did you throw them at us!?" She demanded.

"Pfft, what else were we supposed to do, line you up and give them to ya?" Demo chuckled at the silly thought of patiently waiting in line just to hand out presents. Well the students can't really complain that much. After all, it didn't exactly hurt THAT much. Right? That and this was pretty standard fare with these guys anyway.

"Huh, I got another sword." Jaune lifted up a Festive Eyelander. "This one doesn't talk, does it?"

" _Nope."_ The sword said in a high pitched voice, almost like an elf, making Jaune jump back.

"Everyone! Gather around and Ded Moroz! Is time for Christmas feast!" Heavy nodded to Engineer and the hard hat wearing Texan went all the way to one end of the cafeteria and set up a the portal to Earth. Soon, Heavy's family came out with a long table full of food on it. For once, bear wasn't on the fucking menu!

"Woah..." Ruby awed while still hugging her new weapon.

"Is this some kind of tradition on your world?" Pyyrha asked Spy.

"Oui. Now everyone sit down and let us feast!" The mercs happily went over to take their spots, Santa sat at the very end which was the big chair just for him.

While they were doing that, the students saw that Scout's family, Demo's mom, Ms. Pauling, and somehow Saxton Hale himself came through the portal. If that wasn't crazy enough, Lord Gaben himself came in with the crews from both Left 4 Deads, some guys from Counter Strike, Gordon Freeman and crew, and a bunch of other Valve characters who's names I also have to learn. There was also a short dude wearing a cloak.

"Hi. I'm Gaben, and when I heard that this world had no Christmas., I simply had to come over and spread the joy!" Gabe claimed like a papa.

" _And get extra money in for the Winter sale."_ He whispered to the short dude.

"Well what are you waiting for you buggers?" Saxton Hale rushed in, easily hoisting an entire pine tree over his shoulder and planting it inside the cafeteria. It was decorated in the usual assortment of Christmas decorations, except it also involved TF2 and RWBY related medals and stuff.

And then a big ass feast was held. A feast to be continued in part 2.

* * *

 **Yep. Continued in Part 2.**

 **May edit this later.**

 **Comment Responses:**

 **buzzsaw935: RIP**

 **Questioneer: I sort of do.**


	4. The End

"Blanc, get off me." Spy demanded while Weiss' mother rubbed herself all over him. The woman did not respond, only purring like a cat as she lovingly rubbed against him. Weiss and Scout were watching on the side. Scout felt like laughing his ass off while Weiss was getting extremely uncomfortable with what her mom was doing.

"Hello everyone. The general decided that I return to Atlas." Said Winter when she suddenly entered the room. No one seemed to care that she returned though, and she soon saw why. "MOTHER!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" She screamed.

"Getting to know Mr. Moreau better~" Her mom purred.

"Sister! Why aren't you stopping this!?" Winter yelled at her little sister.

"I don't fucking know." Weiss answered. She then subconsciously took some popcorn from Scout who conjured it up from fuck knows so he can enjoy the show. Winter was so pissed, she practically flew to her father's office to get him over here to stop this.

"Blanc, get the Hell- AH!" Spy yelled out when Blanc got him on his back. He felt terrified as the woman licked her lips.

"I WANT YOUR BABIES! :3"

"WHAT!?" Everyone yelled.

"First, I'll kill my husband, and then you and I can get married! How does it sound?" She then licked his lips like a cat. "Huh? HOW DOES IT SOUND!?"

"That sounds like a horrible idea!" Spy squeaked. "Get off of me! Help! Weiss, get your insane mother off of me!" The girl in question took a single step toward him, and then her mother summoned a fist from a Beringel to smash Weiss into a wall. Scout looked through the Weiss-shaped hole in the wall with wide eyes.

"Uh... I'm not a part of this." He said, raising both his hands and stepping back. Spy looked at his son with a face of 'YOUFUCKINGPUSSYFUCKINGSAVEMEYOUCUNT', but Scout was too damn scared to save his bastard of a father. The Frenchman was going to yell for help some more. but then Blanc literally bit his mask and pulled it off.

"Oooooh~" She licked her lips after tasting the mask, giving horrifyingly lustful eyes down at Spy. Spy struggled like a motherfucker and began screaming with all the power of his lungs, straining them very hard. It was at this moment that Winter came back with the CEO of the SDC.

"What in Remnant is going on here!?" Jacques Schnee demanded. He then got six bullets to the chest. Smoke came out of the Revolver Blanc had taken from Spy, and the woman then turned her attention back on Spy.

"You killed our father!" Winter screamed as Weiss crawled back through the hole she made, wheezing in pain.

" _I'm not dead..._ " Her father struggled to raise an arm up. Seeing her father wasn't dead somehow, Winter helped him up, but then her mother was reloading the Revolver.

"Sweetie, put your father down so I can get remarried." Her mother chirped happily.

"No! This is insane!" Winter shouted at her mother as she pointed the gun at her. "What has gotten into you!? Please come to your senses, mother!" Winter begged, but her mother did not seemed moved at all. Humming a sweet little tune, Blanc successfully reloaded the Revolver and pointed it at her daughter.

"Looks like you're just in the way then~" She hummed like it was a totally normal thing that she was going to kill her daughter and husband.

Then, she got her neck snapped. The woman still smiled as her broken neck titled to the side and her limp body fell to the floor. Everyone in the room looked on in total shock (if they weren't in shock from Mrs. Schnee turning into a fucking yandere) as Spy stood over her dead body. Scout was still eating popcorn, though the pieces kept missing his mouth as he couldn't focus on landing them in his mouth from all the shock.

"FUCK." Spy exclaimed, chest heaving up and down as he was glad that this was over. Reaching into his suit, he got out a radio and called up Engineer because FUCK being in this place any longer than he has to. "Dell! Dell! Are you there!? Hello!? Answer me, goddammit!" Spy yelled into the phone as the Schnee sisters and Whitley as he also ran into the room after hearing the commotion gathered around their dead mother. Static was all that answered him.

"Hey! Mother's still alive!" Whitley exclaimed. In an extreme panic, Spy practically broke his neck as he looked and saw that Blanc's body was twitching and her neck was slowly becoming unbroken. He almost screamed like a bitch when her head suddenly twitched itself in his direction, and her eyes began blinking.

"ENGINEER! HELP! NOW!" Spy screamed, watching the woman's body twitch. Her own children were horrified at how their mother was able to do this, and they took steps back toward Scout who was still eating popcorn.

"*static*-hell do you want?" Engie's voice finally came over the radio, much to Spy's relief as he was sweating oceans. "I'm busy being a badass over here!"

"I DON'T FUCKING CARE WHAT YOU'RE DOING JUST BUILD A TELEPORTER AND HELP ME!"

"Fine!" Engineer said before the radio shut off.

"Wait! Hello!?" Spy still shouted into the radio. Seeing that Engineer's not there no more, he pointed the Revolver at Blanc's still twitching body. The woman looked like she was getting to her feet.

" _Why so scared?~_ " She croaked with a huge smile on her face.

"I don't think mother is well..." Whitley said in fear. He was then thrown out the window by both his sisters because they fucking hated him. The sisters high-fived each other before resuming pissing themselves in fear of their own mother. Then, a red glow appeared in the room just as the woman was on her feet again.

"Hey! The teleporter's here!" Scout said the obvious. He then grabbed both the Schnee sisters and hopped right onto the teleporter, going first while Spy had to wait a bit for it to recharge.

" _Where are you going?_ " The woman croaked before snapping her own neck in place. "Ooh! Much better! Anyway, where do you think you're going?~" She giggled. Then Spy shot her in the leg to buy himself some time. "Oooooh... that really hurt..." She pouted, still smiling as she began crawling toward him. Spy shot her with the rest of the five bullets in the Revolver, and successfully crippled her by hitting all of her arms and legs. "Humph! I see you're playing hard to get!" The woman said in a normal tone as if she was not feeling any pain from being shot.

Spy backed up in fear, but then the teleporter was ready for another go and he wasted no time on getting on that shit. "AU REVOIR, BITCH" Spy screamed out before he suddenly disappeared. It was here that Blanc roared like a goddamn dinosaur. A scream that was powerful enough to destroy the room and shake the mansion itself.

 _ **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_

* * *

"AHHHHHH!" Spy screamed as he fell out of the teleporter clumsily. Getting up, he looked back at the teleporter behind him and immediately started bashing and shooting it so that demonic women can't come through. He destroyed it with such ferocity, that there was literally nothing left of the device. I mean to say that this motherfucker literally destroyed MATTER because he was horrified that she'll follow him.

"What the hell's gotten into you, partner?" Engie demanded. The Texan currently had Raven stuck in a headlong as the bodies of dead bandits and beowolves were everywhere. Scout, Winter, and Weiss stood around and surveyed the devastation, wondering what the fuck Engineer did to this place.

"I just encountered a demon..." Spy heaved, trying to calm his panicked heart down.

"*punches Raven* Well then, now that you broke this damn story's rules, I suppose I can just get my backup teleporter up then." Engie dropped Raven, where the women gave a soft grunt, and built another teleporter. "Guess we're gonna finish this whole adventure way faster than I thought..." He sighed.

"Who's this hottie?" Scout asked as he bent down to one knee and examined Raven. He gave her a totally not cheeky slap on the ass.

"Ah, that's Yang's mama..." Engie said casually. "Now shut up and let's go. We're gonna pick up Sniper and Demo first. They're with Blake."

"What!? How do you know that!?" Weiss shouted as she seriously didn't understand what was happening right now. It seemed like all sense of reasoning and logic is getting thrown the fuck out the window, and the fact that her sister who is normally reserved and disciplined randomly ran into the forest for no reason and came back riding a fucking dinosaur wasn't helping her poor struggling mind understand what was going on.

"Lol, this is RWBY Rex." Winter introduced the raptor who growled in greeting. Engineer then threw a brick at Winter who fell over with the dinosaur on top of her because she budged in on his line.

"It's my turn to speak! Anyway, I'm reading the story right now on my phone." Engie held up a smart phone and showed it to a wide-eyed Weiss.

" _Mercs in Remnant_!?" She read the title of this bullshit in disbelief. "We're... we're in a story?"

"Yep..." Engineer nonchalantly said as he began typing a review to this story.

 _XXXREDEngieXXX_

 _Dis story is fokkin gay. Kill yurself. It too unsensibal and fast paced and the charaters not like how dey are actually._

 _-24/10_

 _Would read again._

"Hehe..." Engie laughed to himself as he put the phone away, thinking I'm going to get triggered with his fuckery. Then with no further hesitation, he picked everybody up, except for Raven, and they were on their merry way to Menagerie.

* * *

"U cute." Sun poked Blake's face.

"U cute." Kali poked Sun's face.

"Fookin' stahp it..." Blake pouted with a sad kitty face and her cute little ears drooping down. Nearby, Demoman, Sniper, and Ghira were getting drunk off their asses for no reason at all. The three men laughed together like total comrades as they told stories of manly guy things they did in their pasts. "*shakes head* Ugh... what's happening to everyone? Why is everybody acting so weird?" Blake wondered to herself, also wondering why she said what she said earlier.

"U cute." Sun poked her face again.

"U cute." Kali poked his face once more.

Blake sighed as it seemed like no one was sane anymore. Then, a red glow appeared in the room and Engie and company appeared. "WHAT!?" Blake jumped back in shock like a cat surprised by a loud noise. "Where did you guys come from!? And-...Weiss?" Blake said after seeing her old friend.

"Blake! Oh it's so good to see you!" Weiss ran to the kitty and hugged her.

"It's nice to see you too, but what are you guys doing here?"

"We're here to get you so we'll be done with this shit!" Scout explained, grabbing the kitten and throwing her onto the teleporter on top of Winter and Spy. Both of them gasped when the weight of the kitten was thrown onto them, and Spy threw both of them off of him so he could breathe. Unfortunately, this meant that he was in full view of everyone, namely Blake's mom.

" _Hey Spy, hey Scout..."_ Demo slurred drunkenly as the Boston kid grabbed them and threw them back on the teleporter.

"*blushes* I-is this your professor!?" Kali's heart jumped when she saw the handsome motherfucker who was the Frenchman.

"Ow...yes." Blake answered, rubbing her poor head. Then, to her utter horror, her mom jumped onto Spy and started purring. "MOM!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" She screamed when it was clear that her mom was becoming _waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay_ to friendly with her professor. The kitten looked to her father, but her dad was too damn drunk to do anything. In fact, he knocked himself out when he though he was a bird and jumped off the balcony, making him hit his head on a rock and knocking himself out cold.

"Hey there~ I am Blake's mother, but you can call me Kali~" The catwoman purred as she curled up on his chest and rubbed her face against his.

"OH GOD PLZ" Spy screamed when he realized where this was going. The memory of Blanc was still very clear in his mind, and last thing he wanted was to create another demonic woman with his handsomeness. "ENGINEER, WE HAVE TO LEAVE NOW!" Spy kicked Kali off of him, picked up Scout, Engie, Blake, Weiss, and anyone else important enough to take and threw them all onto the teleporter and plopping himself right on the top. "TAKE US TO THE OTHERS PLZ."

"Wait! Where are you going!?" Kali mewed panickedly when she saw her prey leaving. "I want to make kittens with you!"

"FUCK NO." Spy gave her a middle finger before Engie did whatever the fuck and they were gone.

"Nooooooooooo... ;^;" Kali whined, cat ears drooping in sadness.

* * *

"Oh no, Uncle Qrow is poisoned and might die if we don't hurry up to Mistral but we don't know how far that is and we don't know if we'll make it in time so that'll make everything tense and sad, oh no!" Ruby cried, rolling herself into a ball.

"Yeah..." Qrow took a drink from his flask. "This is pretty serious... _ugh_..." He groaned in pain from his injury.

"I am here because I am like father to you all." Heavy said. Soldier, Pyro, and the rest of Team RNJR were fucking around with a log they found because this situation required some serious thinking.

"I have huge boobs and I'm hot." Yang said. "Wait, why did I just say that?" Then the red glow happened and everyone popped into reality. "Whoa, what!? Where did you guys come from!?"

"Don't ask..." Spy sighed, not moving from the pile of people he was on top of. Blake and Weiss crawled out because they couldn't bear being crushed under all the weight of the bodies.

"Blake!?" Yang yelled upon seeing her waifu.

"Weiss!?" Ruby stopped crying and got to her feet upon also seeing her waifu.

"Yang!?" Blake yelled.

"Ruby!?" Weiss yelled.

The four girls then performed extremely happy hugging of each other because Team RWBY is united. Go figure, but YAY!

"How did you get here?" Heavy asked his coworkers.

"Decided to pull up my backup mega uber OP teleporter I wasn't supposed to use." Engie answered nonchalantly.

"Wait! So you mean all that traveling wasn't necessary?" Soldier asked, Engie nodding in response. "THEN WHY BOTHER WITH ALL THIS TROUBLE!? WHY HAVE US SEPARATE WHEN YOU CAN REUNITE US RIGHT AWAY!? WHY-wait..." Soldier gasped when he realized the impossible. "I CAN THINK LOGICALLY! NOOOOOOOOOO!" The patriot fell down on all fours and began crying.

"Mphmhpmh!" Pyro mphmed to get everyone's attention. Then, it placed both hands on its mask, nodded it's head, and took it off.

"OH MY GOD, PYRO DOESN'T HAVE A HEAD!" Ruby screamed when it was revealed that there was nothing inside the flame suit. Everybody screamed in horror at the sight, but then a woman's head popped up from underneath. "Oh, nevermind!"

"I am a woman." Pyro revealed her gender. Then everyone continued screaming in horror as it turned out Pyro was a girl instead of a boy like a lot of them actually thought this whole time. The fact that Pyro was actually extremely beautiful didn't help. She had long black hair that she shook around. "Ugh, first time I took this mask off in years!" She said in her also extremely charming voice.

"ALL SENSE OF REASONING AND SANITY IS GONE!" Soldier screamed.

"EVERYTHING'S GONE BLOODY CRAZY!" Sniper added because he felt like it.

"WE'RE ALL YELLING!" Nora added as well, everyone else still screaming from the madness.

"-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-okay. Stop screaming guys." Jaune said, to which everyone listened. They then all began to mingle with each other, trading hats or whatever else they had, talking random bullshit, or even fighting each other while Team RWBY gathered together.

"What's happening? Nothing is making sense anymore!" Weiss rubbed her head.

"It's almost as if the world is falling apart..." Yang gasped. The fact that RWBY Rex suddenly appeared in a top hat didn't help.

"Ladies..." The dino tipped his hat at them before flying to Mistral. All four girls watched with wide eyes.

"You think Salem is behind all this?" Ruby fearfully asked her sister.

"Salem? Who's that?" Blake asked as she and Weiss didn't know any of this.

"She's some super evil witch or something who wants to destroy the kingdoms." Yang answered. "But I don't think she can do something like this!" Then, all four girls were suddenly grabbed by all their friends and thrown onto the teleporter.

"Next stop, Mistral!" Engie declared.

"'Bout time..." Qrow took another sip from his flask. " _Ugh_... still dying..."

"Oh right..." Engie slapped himself, remembering what he read.

* * *

"I miss my friends..." Medic moped with and everyone with them including the robots and Team CFVY with Pyrrha. Then his friends were there. "Oh, hi guys."

"Hey Engie, mind healing this bastard up?" All eight mercenaries said in unison while holding Qrow up like they were connected together by one mind.

"Yeah, no problem." Medic shot Qrow with the Crusader's Crossbow and then Qrow was perfectly fine.

"Awesome." Qrow gave a thumbs up, and began drinking from his flask again.

"..." Was what Jaune said when he saw Pyrrha was awake. While he and Pyrrha stared at each other, Team CFVY began mingling with the crew again because honestly, what else were they going to do? Same for the mercenaries' families and robots.

"Zhanna misses maggot bear!" The eldest girl of Heavy's family hugged her American husband.

"AHH! I CAN FEEL THE STUPIDITY TRYING TO REENTER ME!" Soldier screamed as he was now completely sane and logical. "PLEASE STOP!"

"Well... this is nice I guess..." Ruby said slowly as her team gathered around her, still trying to figure out why everything was going crazy. The four girls nearly fainted when they saw Pyrrha drag Jaune into a closet where she was obviously going to play video games with him. *insert lenny face*

"I-I think I need to lie down..." Weiss' head couldn't take it anymore, so she laid down on the floor.

"Us too..." The rest of her team followed suit.

It just didn't make any damn sense. The whole world was losing its mind and there appeared to be no reason at all for any of this to happen. Worse yet, all four of the girls can feel the influence of whatever's making all this insanity happen trying to control them, and it did for short periods of time earlier. Unfortunately, the mercenaries were giving them no more time to think this whole thing over as they packed everyone back onto the teleporter. They even had to jump on top of the pile of people to get them all packed tightly on top of the device.

"Ow! Velvet your ears are touching my eyes!" Yang yelled.

"Fak u." The bunny replied. The whole crew was packed into a big ol' ball of uncomfortableness. Jaune and Pyrrha finished F%*ing around and happily joined the pile. Then they teleported to whoever the fuck knows where. I know where they're going obviously, but do you want to know?

* * *

They're now in Salem's place. There's your answer.

"HOLY SHIT." All the bad guys of Salem's evil circle screamed at seeing that they just appeared in the middle of the meeting room.

"What the fuck, guys!? We were having a nice family dinner!" Salem hissed. Emerald got upset and started crying where Mercury went in and hugged her. Then fucking Oscar dropped down from the ceiling like a special forces operator.

"Hey guys." Oscar said. Then Ozpin's soul violently left his body, leaving the boy gasping for air on all fours.

"WHAT UP, BITCHES!" Ozpin yelled, getting out his automatic rocket cane. "GOOD GUYS, ATTACK!"

All chaos (if this whole thing wasn't chaotic enough) broke loose as the piled up good guys un-piled themselves and started fighting Salem's cronies. What made it so much worse was that Team SSSN, all the professors in the show that people care about, Taiyang, all the teams anyone cared about at the Vytal Tournament, Ironwood, and Winter magically appeared in a giant fleet of Atlesian airships filled with soldiers and Beacon students over the Grimmscape.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH! INVADED, BITCH!" Ironwood screamed through the really loud speaker system of his flagship like a COD 12 year old.

Salem hissed at all this fuckery and whistled. Soon, her own armies appeared. The main members of her evil council and Adam Taurus, who is perfectly fine just be-fucking-cause, with the entirety of the White Fang came to fight this gigantic battle alongside Salem and the Grimm.

"Yeah... I think we're insane..." Ruby trailed off. All of Team RWBY simply stood back and watched the madness unfold. Seemed like they were the only truly sane people here, even if they can feel this unknown force tug at their minds.

* * *

 **Git Fokin pranked, m80s.**

 **Happy April Fool's day! To celebrate this awful holiday, I just pranked the fuck out of you guys! Unless you remembered it was April Fool's and weren't pranked at all...**

 **Anyway, there's going to be another part to this. When I post the next actual chapter, this will be moved to the Extras for anyone who actually wants to see this fuckery again.**

 **I feel so stupid because when I replaced that announcement of my birthday last week with Chapter 55 of MiR, it didn't allow you guys to review again because the system thinks you already reviewed it. So this is your chance to give your thoughts on the last chapter since I wasn't able to see it, and I will not respond to any reviews I did get until the next chapter to make it complete.**

 **As always though, thank you for dropping by, and even more power to you if you enjoyed my content. It feels so nice when I make people feel happy.**


	5. The End Prank

The big ass battle of Remnant was under way as the forces of evil and the forces of good tore each other to pieces. The Atlesian Air Force fought the various forms of flying Grimm as well as the airships of the White Fang, while the battle was far more hectic on the ground. Atlesian soldiers, Beacon students looking for revenge, the mercenaries, and every other of the good guys anyone else cares about fought Salem's forces tooth and nail in an extremely fierce battle of sheer brutality.

However, Team RWBY held back from the violence, choosing to sit off to the side and watch the insanity happen. And Pyro was sitting with them because she didn't feel like fighting at the moment.

"So...you were a woman this whole time?" Ruby asked the formerly always masked Pyromaniac.

"Yep!" The Pyro chirped happily. "Why do you think I'm always so happy and fun-loving?"

"We sort of thought you were a little...you know... insane." Weiss answered.

"Ah, everyone thinks that way! Don't worry about, people are just silly! Hehehe..." The woman giggled. Team RWBY didn't know what to feel more disturbed about; Pyro being a woman this whole time, or how she really was just childish and insane. Even more crazy, she didn't seem that old compared to the rest of the mercenaries. In fact, she looked to be even younger than Scout, like maybe Team RWBY's age only a couple years older."Oh yeah! My name's Rachel Charbonneau. I am from Quebec!"

"...hello. Uh, Rachel." Yang trailed off. As you can see, Team RWBY's not over the fact that Pyro's a young woman.

"Hello!" The woman happily jumped up and down and clapped her hands together like a little girl.

"Well, at least this isn't the craziest thing we've seen all day..." Blake said, getting mutters of agreement because today really was a weird day. The five female fighters continued to just sit there and watch the madness unfold. They weren't sure if they should join in or not, and no one seemed particularly interested in them either. In fact, several enemies ran right past them and even said hellos as they ran to fight the other good guys. It was as if Team RWBY was invisible to the madness, but not really.

The battle itself only got more intense as several portals opened up and the thousands of robotic fighters and vehicles that were the mercenaries' personal army came out to join the fight with Saxton Hale riding on top of Breadzilla leading the way with the manly people he's met following him into battle. Even Zwei, Archimedes, and Lieutenant Bites came running out with bread monsters following them into the fight.

"SAXTON HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLE!"

...

The girls simply did not understand what was happening. To be fair, I don't think the readers understand what is happening either.

"That's becuz yur fookin gay." Ruby said, quickly covering her mouth because she said some naughty words. "Why did I just say that!?"

Yeah, why did you just insult me, little girl? Damn, seems like the insanity is really getting to them now, breaking the fourth wall and shit. You can see the girls grab throw their hands on their heads, clutching tightly from the pain of the madness drilling itself into their minds.

"Hey, do you guys hear a guy talking!?" Ruby yelled out. "Hey! Help us!"

...shit. Insanity so strong, they can hear me again. Yes?

"HELP PLEASE!

 _Yeah_... about that...

"JUST HELP US!" Yang screamed.

Well... I would, but... ugh, okay, I will! Just give me a second.

"Hey!? ARE YOU STILL THERE!? DON'T LEAVE US!" Weiss begged because the girls felt like the only other sane person just abandoned them. All they could do was wait and resist it as much as they can. Meanwhile, here's Pyro.

"BROTHER, IS THAT YOU!?" Pyro suddenly screamed upon seeing Spy. She didn't see the world exactly how everyone else saw it with that mask so she had to get used to what everyone actually looked like, but don't ask how she magically recognized him now. The Frenchman was in the process of beating a Beowolf to death with its own claws when he turned to look at Pyro.

"The fuck do you want, Pyro?" Spy responded. "And what do you mean by 'brother'?" He was then taken in for a big lovingly hug between two siblings who have never properly met. "OWWWWWWW! STOP! STOP HUGGING ME!"

"You're my brother! Our mother had an affair in Quebec when the family traveled there, and I was born to a fancy hotel owner! But then she left me behind, and that's why my last name's Charbonneau and not Moreau!" Pyro exclaimed as she continued to happily embrace her brother. Spy felt like dying. He had never felt so crushed before, and his breathing trouble was added to by the fact that he couldn't believe that Pyro was his sister this whole time. He didn't have a sister as far as he knew.

"Let go of me! You're killing-" Spy's entire being froze when he saw more portals open up. The portals dropped off even more good guys or bad guys into the fight, but to his horror, two of them brought out demons. Kali and Blanc.

"THERE YOU ARE, MY LOVE~" Blanc lustfully licked her lips at seeing Spy.

"I can't wait to name our kittens!~" Kali mewed.

Seeing that he was going to get absolutely fucked (in more ways than one *insert lenny face*), Spy knew there was only one thing to do. "On second thought, hug me harder! Please kill me!" Spy begged Pyro. Then, another portal opened up, and a black haired woman stabbed Engie straight through his entire body with a really long katana. Raven smiled like a devil as she cruelly twisted the blade inside Engie. However, the Texan didn't even seem to notice and kept smacking his sentry gun with some stick he found because he lost all his wrenches already. Somehow, it was working.

"I WILL HEAR YOU SCREAM!" Raven raged at the Texan not even noticing her, to which he still didn't notice. In anger, she swiftly pulled the sword out of him and raised it above her head to decapitate him. "RAAAAAAAAAGGHH-huh?" She went after seeing Spy's still unmasked face. At seeing him, she blushed a deep red, and then her eyes got really scary looking. "Hey there~" She cooed, starting to walk toward Spy.

"KILL ME FASTER PLEASE!" Spy wiggled.

"I'm trying! My hugs have a limit to how powerful they can be!" Pyro shouted. Spy began to lose all hope as all three women closed in on him. Then, his hopes were raised when the women noticed they were all heading to the same person, and they all looked fucking pissed about it. For a moment, Spy felt like cheering and hollering in victory as the three started to tear each other apart, but then they stopped, making him freeze in fear.

"Wait! Why fight each other over a man when we can _share_ him?" Blanc reasoned, the other two women agreeing to Spy's fearful surprise.

Worse yet, Pyro decided to randomly drop Spy so it can ride a Grimm dragon with Team JNPR and SSSN, leaving Spy alone with them. Seeing the women get closer to him with those lustful looks, Spy got his guns out and hoped to God that they can be killed. Let's just say that he shot 12 bullets, 4 to the each of them, and it didn't do anything but make them seem even more lustier for him. They seem to like dangerously handsome men, and they completely ignored his screams when they laid their hands on him.

"Poor Spy..." Was all Ruby could say as Team RWBY watched their mothers rip Spy's clothes off, with the exception of Summer because she's dead. Actually, scratch that, somehow, Ruby's mom was here and she was currently making out with Taiyang behind a pillar while people and creatures ripped each other apart all around them.

"Ugh, when's that guy going to help us!?" Weiss shouted. "I think it's getting worse!" It was true, Team RWBY's minds couldn't take anymore and they felt like giving up their resistance against the madness. But then it suddenly stopped.

Alright girls, I gotcha.

The pain was all gone, and Team RWBY got up to their feet, still incredibly shaken from the battle their minds fought. "Ow... thanks..." Ruby rubbed her poor head. "Hey, where are you anyway? Don't see anyone else around us, who's not insane that is."

"It kinda sounds like he's in our minds..." Blake said, a little afraid of what this could mean.

I mean, I sorta am in your minds.

"WHAT!?" The girls yelled together. "But-but, how!?" Ruby screamed. "Are you the one behind all this!?"

...It's probably best if I brought you to me.

* * *

With that, Team RWBY found themselves literally poofed into the Void where there was absolutely no delay in time. One nanosecond they were in the Grimmscape, the next they were in the Void. Waiting for them, was me at a computer.

"Hey." I casually greet them as I continue typing this up.

"Who are you!?" Blake demanded from me.

"The writer of the story you're in." I answered simply. "I'm known as the chief of RAGE and I write fanfiction." Then, the girls found themselves sat down in a couch while I stood up to talk to them. "So, you're probably wondering why your whole world is going to shit, right? Well I'll tell you now that it is because of me."

"WHY THOUGH!?" Yang screeched. She would've jumped off the couch and socked me in the face if it wasn't for that some unseen force had her restrained to the couch. The same for the rest of her team.

"Because it's April Fools' weekend. So, you girls don't know this since Earth holidays aren't celebrated in Remnant, but April Fools' is pretty much a single day where you get to fuck with people. I know, I said weekend when it's only for a day, but I take it through the whole weekend because I feel like it. "

"Wait, so you're from Earth? Like the mercenaries?" Weiss asked.

"Yeah. But from real Earth. As in real life."

"Wha-" Ruby tried to get some words out of her mouth before I shush her.

"Shhhhhhhhhh... please. Allow me to finish so I can get you four the fuck out of here and finish for my readers. Good? Okay, so you four are in a story, as I said, and what's happening is that I am unleashing the absolute raw insanity that is what happens when I let literally anything that comes to mind first type out onto the computer, and this is all from extreme corruption of imagination and smexuals. It's all a big joke in spirit of April Fools' day. Alright, that's really all I have to say so you got any questions?"

"Y-you said 'fanfiction', so does that mean we're...we're not real?" Ruby asked fearfully.

"...well, yeah. You guys are produced by a Texas based studio called 'Roosterteeth' and were created by Monty Oum. Who's right over there right now. Hey Monty."

"Hey." Monty casually waved at us. "Hope you treating my world well!"

"I'll fix this shit once April Fools' is over, man." I said. "Yeah, so that guy over there is the creator of your whole world. He's an awesome guy, but back to what you asked about fanfiction, thousands of people write their own stories based on you guys or their own original characters in Remnant. I would tell you about some of the stuff people write with you guys in it, but I'd rather not because some of it is a little... questionable."

"We're...not real?" Ruby asked herself with blank eyes, the rest if her team looking like they just died inside. Then, all four of them started crying. Now that they know that they're not real and their existence was all a lie, they saw no point to anything anymore.

"Oh come on, ladies, please. Stop crying. When I said you weren't real, I meant that _you_ aren't real. We all live in a universe where anything is possible, and it's possible there actually _is_ a dimension where Remnant exists and you girls exist there with everyone you know, but what I mean to say is that you four are just my own versions yourselves. I love RWBY. Your show is pretty great and I love you guys, as in the characters and the world."

They looked at me, seemingly feeling better already.

"What about the mercenaries?" Ruby asked between sniffles.

"Oh, they're from this fun game called Team Fortress 2. Not a lot to say about them other than I also love them a lot, and honestly, they're not much different from what they are in their actual game. You guys aren't much different from your own series either."

"Well, is our show good? Like, are the real versions of ourselves happy in real Remnant?" Yang asks.

"Oh, hell yeah. The show's really good." I paused a bit. "...and you guys are currently living happily in it. I swear."

"But what about us though? And I mean like us right here!" Weiss budged in. "What's going to happen to us in this version of Remnant with those mercenaries?"

"Well, I'll leave that for you all to find out once April Fools' weekend is over. As for what happens now? I'm gonna send you back so I can get over this shit and continue with the main story. Don't worry, you're not gonna remember a single thing after this is all over. So I suggest you have fun with the insanity while it lasts."

"Have fun?" Yang wondered.

"Yeah. Just let loose. Do whatever you want, because honestly, what everyone else is doing back on Remnant is kinda them just doing what they secretly want to do...and some corruption from me."

At hearing this, the girls looked at each other and exchanged glances.

* * *

"Ha! Get fuked, fag0tz!" Salem cackled from atop the highest tower of her palace of dark Grimm crystals. The forces of good were getting their asses whooped even with all the reinforcements of Saxton Hale and the mercenaries' forces. "Yes! Get them off my lawn! Haha, fuck u Ozpin!" The witch gave Ozpin the middle finger.

"U fokkin wot m8?!" Ozpin raged as the good guys actually started retreating. "I'll deck ye in teh gobba, swer on me mum!" The Beacon headmaster had lost his rocket cane earlier in the battle, so he grabbed Oscar as a suitable replacement and raised him high as he summoned a storm of boulders on the bad guys.

Salem laughed and just ordered the huge Grimm to hold up giant umbrellas while all the other bad guys kept pushing the good guys back into the portals they came from.

"Retreat! They're too strong!" Nora yelled while carrying Jaune and Pyrrha, who were making out again, while Ren was himself giving her a piggyback ride out of there.

"Coco! We have to run, you noob!" Velvet squeaked when Coco refused to stop shooting her minigun alongside the mercenaries who were all gathered up except for Spy. He was getting raped or some shit in a corner. "Come on! We have to-ow!" Scout socked her in the face for wanting to run.

"Where the hell are you all going!? Get back here and fight!" Scout shouted to the retreating good guys.

"Yes! Come stand and fight with us!" Zhanna yelled gloriously as she ripped bad guys apart with her bare hands, and with the sane Soldier strapped to her back.

It was looking pretty bad as the only ones who really stood and fought were the mercenaries alongside their families and friends from Earth, and this includes Merasmus. They all made their stand on top of a hill where they were completely surrounded by the bad guys, and the rest of the good guys were scattered and fighting desperately to escape.

"THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR CUTTING MY ARM OFF!" Adam sliced both of Medic's arms off. The Earthlings were beginning to falter as more pressure was being put on them.

"THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT BEING OF THIS WORLD!" Salem chuckled loudly, a laugh so loud it can be heard across the land. She was so happy. This was the day of victory for her even if everything suddenly went insane. Whatever made this insanity spread through the world, she wanted to thank it because she felt like this is why she was aboe to win. "Now my minions, finish them while they're weak! Destroy-hey! Cinder, what are you doing hiding behind there!?"

"I'm scared." Cinder cried, sitting in fetal position behind the bodies of Tyrian, Hazel, and Watts because fuck those guys in particular. Emerald and Mercury were with her, cuddling each other as they were also scared.

"U fokin pussy. You're the Fall Maiden! Get out there and kill something!"

"No! You're not my mom!"

"Does someone want a spanking!?" Salem threatened.

"NOOO!" Cinder cried harder because she still didn't want to fight the mercenaries, but she also didn't want to get spanked. "I don't want to get spanked and I don't wanna fight!"

Salem was going to bitch at her more, but then a portal opened up above the mercenaries. Everything stopped what they were doing and looked up at the portal, and out came four girls. Team RWBY. At seeing this, Cinder really didn't want to go out there because she was scared of Ruby, but Salem wasn't having any of it. Especially since Team RWBY seemed to have gotten extremely OP! They magically rallied all the good guys back to the fight and were performing some OP bullshittery as they swept through the forces of bad like nothing with their skills. Now the forces of bad were being pushed back as the good guys' hopes and spirit were back.

"Come on! Fight!" Ruby urged the good guys on.

"fokin silvers..." Salem cursed under her breath at how the majority of her forces were not good and how they never bothered to git gud. Thinking of ideas to turn this around, she looked at Cinder and came up with something stupid.

"Can I have everyone's attention for a second?" She spoke through a megaphone which magically had the range and ability to get everything to stop being crazy and pay attention to her.

Even the three women who were having fun with Spy came out of their hiding place with him looking like he just went through a hurricane. It should be noted that Kali had an entire litter of kitten Faunus she didn't have before, Blanc had another white haired baby, and Raven had a black haired baby.

"Okay, so may I present to you, the Fall Maiden!" She held Cinder up Lion King style.

"We're gonna kill u!" Ruby shouted. The girls had accepted the madness, and they admit to having fun with it right now, eager to finish this while it lasts.

"Sure, you can kill her while she's normal like this since you're a silver eyed warrior, but can you kill her like THIS!? ZAP!" Salem zapped Cinder with energy, and she suddenly grew huge. As in, she was easily as tall as the palace and everything around her looked on in awe. The good guys seemed to fear her.

"Oh...well, this isn't so bad then..." Cinder began to lightly chuckle as she realized she can easily wipe the good guys out now, Team RWBY, mercenaries and all.

"FIRE EVERYTHING!" General Ironwood commanded, making all the good guys on the ground and their airships in the sky shoot at her to absolutely no effect. The weaponry did complete dick to her because she was too big to feel any of it, and she only giggled from how much it tickled her.

"Hehe, stop tickling me!" She giggled because she was no the most OP thing the bad guys had now. Smiling, held a hand out for some fire to form up for an attack. specifically, she aimed for Team RWBY and their friends. "Die~" She let loose with the fire, but then nothing happened.

"WHAT!?" She shreiked.

"Ha! You forgot I have silver eyes! So you can't do a thing to me!" Ruby taunted.

"That's my girl!" Summer yelled from somewhere in the back.

"Thanks mom! But you know what else I-no, WE are?". Looking back to her teammates and nodding to each other, Team RWBY instantly got very bright lights of aura resonate around them as they built of power DBZ style. "WE'RE ALSO MAIDENS!"

"What!? But that breaks the rules of the maidens!" Salem screamed from Cinder's shoulder. Forgot to say that Salem, Emerald, and Mercury were on Cinder's shoulders.

"In these times, there are no rules..." Ruby said like a little badass. That's a good girl.

Cinder snarled, and got ready to burn the entire area in a huge nuclear explosion had Yang not tapped her... and instantly absorbed her size so that she was big and Cinder was normal.

"Hehe, hey there, shorties!" The blonde giggled at all the scared bad guys below her. Then she unleashed hell as she fired the now massive super shells of her shotgun gauntlets everywhere, causing mini-nuclear explosions that wrecked the bad guys.

Weiss had a giant snowflake glyph form around her, and stabbing her rapier into it, she instantly created a giant ice wall that prevented any of the bad guys from escaping justice. Blake summoned literally a thiusand of her shadow clones where they sliced and diced up a lot of the Grimm and captured a lot of the Faunus White Fang. This includes Adam Taurus who she was going to keep for later. Ruby herself focused on the giant Grimm and it was a pretty easy task with all her new powers.

"ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit..." Salem and co said repeatedly as they scurried away from the giant Yang's feet, afraid she'll notice them as it seemed like the blonde forgot about them. Then I jinxed it and Yang did notice them.

"Hehe, come back here~" The blonde colossus reached down for them, and managed to only grab Mercury. "Oooh~ Not so tough now, are ya little fella?" She giggled while the boy tried to shoot at her eyes with his leg guns. "Ow, that hurts a little..." Then, Mercury was let go. At first he was happy because he thought he was free, but then he found himself fallen between Yang's glorious boobies. "Comfy? Better get used to it! I can't wait to deal with you later~"

In a total panic because everything was quickly faloing apart, Salem channeled some of her power into reviving her stronger Grimm and minions. Soon, some of the super elder Grimm were revived and they began fighting back, and the three other guys she had were back to. Tyrian, Watts, and Hazel got up to serve her once more.

However, they weren't much help at all now that the good guys were on the attack again. Hazel got tackled by Nora, Heavy, and Coco where they began shoving sandwiches and stuff down his mouth until he choked to death. Tyrian got his tail completely sliced off by Qrow and then his arms and legs chopped off by Demoman where the two lovable drunks began pouring salt and alcohol onto his wounds. Watts was getting jumped by Team CRDL, Summer, Taiyang, and SSSN.

Cinder separated from Salem with Emerald right on her tail, but they couldn't escape either. Weiss froze emerald in place for the mercenaries to come and beat her senseless, and Cinder was pinned to the ground by the immensely powerful Ruby Rose.

"M-mercy!" She stuttered in fear.

"Did someone call my name?" Medic popped in, wearing Mercy from Overwatch's stuff for some reason. "No? Okay. MERCENARIES NEVER DIE!" Then he remembered not everyone here is a mercenary. "Um... MERCENARIES AND THEIR FRIENDS NEVER DIE! Ja, zat is better!"

"Mercy? You want mercy after all you did to us at Beacon!?" Ruby shouted at her, and Cinder had no response to that other than to whimper in fear. "I'll show you mercy..." The red hooded, maiden, silver eyed girl blew her lips in a whistle. "Ohhh mercenaries!~" She chirped to get all their attentions. "Look at who I got for you!"

The mercenaries looked at Ruby, trying to figure out what she was talking about, and thennthey saw Cinder. Their only response was to screech like dinosaurs because here was the bitch they hated so much and wanted nothing more than to rape in the violent way and not the sexual one because that's no good.

"R-Ruby! Please!" Cinder begged, beginning to cry as she was completely powerless. Even more so when Ruby literally drained her of all her power. She shreiked in terror when Ruby held her up high in the sky so she can be thrown.

"FETCH!" In a throw of ridiculous power, aruby threw Cinder right at the mercenaries where they caught her and began happily tearing her apart and tortuing her to their hearts content. Ruby placed her hands on her hips and patted herself on the back over a job well done.

"N-no! What is this bullshit!? This isn't fair!" Salem cried out. All the bad guys had been defeated, dead, captured, or worse, and now Salem was all that was left. Her eye twitched as the good guys surrounded her. Her eyes especially darted from Ozpin, who was smiling like a cheeky cunt which he had absolutely every right to, and Team RWBY. "You're all cheaters! Don't make me call the admins on you!"

"The admins?" Yang looked up from her torturing Mercury, who she was softly crushing between her breasts. She returned to normal size, but she kept Mercury tiny."Got some news for ya, bitch, the admins don't care!"

"What!? Why!?"

"Because it's April Fools' day!" Team RWBY shouted togehter.

"B-but...wait! Wouldn't that mean that this whole battle was just a prank-"

"SAXTON HAAAAAALE!" Hale budged in and rudely interrupted Salem to deliver a punch so powerful, that Salem blew up and shattered into a billion pieces. "Well, that satisfies my revenge then!"

"Yay! Happy ending!" Ruby cheered, getting a thousand cheering voices in response. "Group hug!" In a totally not sappy ending, all the good guys hugged each other because peace has been restored to Remnant and all their lives can go back to normal.

So where are they now? Well, Beacon Academy was rebuilt when Team RWBY used their totally OP powers to literally make everything how it was before so it was like nothing changed at all. Some people wanted to make them their queens and even goddesses, but they denied, saying they were simply happy to be students at Beacon with their friends. All the students, professors of Beacon, and citizens of Remnant resumed the Vytal Festival Tournament.

The mercenaries continued being professors at Beacon while maintaining their own lives back on Earth. Heavy bought his family a nice home in New York with Soldier and Medic living with them. Demoman is getting all the booze he ever eanted. Spy bought his family's mansion back and moved right back in with his newly found sister following him. Sniper literally became King of New Zealand after he raised the country from the sea and recolonized it. Scout moved back in with his mom. Engineer discovered the hyperdrive and humanity can now travel to the stars in no time.

Spy's situation got a little complicated though when the three women who forcefully made children with him demanded he come back and love them, to which he refused because those demonic yanderes were evil. Only exception though were the kittens he sired with Kali because they were cute, and he loved cats.

You know what? Fuck it. Let's make this super happy and have all the mercenaries and their friends move into Spy's big ass mansion. I'm talking he gets the portal set up at his house and everything so that the students of Remnant can easily get to school from their nice home on Earth where everyone loved them and each other. Only downsides were that this meant Spy had several women sleeping in his room and that they had to get used to how different Earth was, but that's all.

* * *

 **Finally over. April Fools' weekend is over and this is the last of the prank chapters. Hope you guys enjoyed the insanity, and if you still want to see these after I remove them and replace them with actual chapters, they will be moved to the extras.**

 **Do not worry, the next chapter is almost ready and you can expect it within 1-2 days.**

 **I will respond to all reviews when that chapter comes out.**


	6. Heavy's Past: Part 1

**1925, Russia, in the midst of the extended Civil War**

A spring day. That is what this young boy found himself in. A gentle, serene Russian spring day. He discovered himself to be laying down on an ornately embroidered blanket with Russian stylings on it. He heard laughing. Gentle, innocent laughter from children in play. Finally sitting up, the boy saw the source of the laughter to be local village kids playing a game of tag through the fields of grain and meadows.

It was a nice place this vilage was, especially when compared to the shabby hut villages that most Russian people in this time lived in as serfs. The home was a somewhat small but comfortable cottage where he and his sisters currently stayed at in the temporary absence of their parents. They lived in an unusually prosperous (for Russian standards) village in these turbulent times, but the troubles of the nation affected this peaceful place nontheless.

Just the other day he overheard some men arguing about a war or something, and he even heard news of other villages being destroyed by Communist forces. He was far too young to understand it at the time, but this young three year old Russian boy was living in a land that was murdering itself. It's people fighting amongst each other after the failure of the Russian Imperial fighting and resulting massive civil war.

But that's not why his young mind remembered this particular day. It's a miracle how a three year old ought to remember anything at all.

To his right he saw his babushka at work in the garden. She was a sweet old woman who remained pure through all the trouble that has plagued the land for the past few decades. A woman who he will always remember as an absolute saint who loved him until the day she ascended to Heaven. Both her and his grandfather were quite elderly, being at the old age of in their sixties. That doesn't sound very old, but people didn't live very long back then, especially in Russia during this time. Nearby, his grandfather was singing _Kalinka_ as he chopped firewood for cooking later.

" _Little red berry, red berry, red berry of mine!_

 _In the garden a berry - little raspberry, raspberry of mine!"_

His dedushka sang as he worked, getting pleasantly surprised when his wife joined him in the song.

" _Ah, under the pine, the green one,_

 _Lay me down to sleep,_

 _Oh-swing, sway, Oh-swing, sway,_

 _Lay me down to sleep..._ "

His grandparentsts continued to sing the pleasant Russian folk song together, much to the satisfaction of his young ears. Also to his utter delight, his babushka left him some desserts in a basket for him. He greedily took up as much as his little hand could carry and awkwardly stood on his three year old legs. Just as awkwardly but in a cute way, the Russian child stumbled over to his grandparents with treats in his mouth.

The distance was short since they were all still on their property, but a lot was going on around them. Birds chirped their songs, the children still played, horse-drawn wagons and carts trodded along the dirt roads into or out of the village, and there were men with rifles and pitchforks going down the road. The home had a low hanging stone wall that separated it from the road, and threw young boy innocently walked past these armed men on his way to his grandparents. There were older men and some women after the armed fighters, begging them to not go and get themselves killed while they argued that they refused to stand by and let their country fall into madness.

Just things a three year old could care less about. The singing stopped when the fuss of the people walking past their home happened, and it did not continue for his grandparents looked on at the display, shaking their heads in disapproval. It wasn't until he reached his dedushka that the man broke sight of the dreary display.

"Ah, my grandson..." The man smiled, holding his wood axe over his one shoulder while he proudly watched the Russian child practice his walking.

"Dedushka!" The child babbled out for he's too youngto speak or say most words properly. It was made especially difficult with the sweets in his mouth.

"Hehehe...I see you like your sweets, don't you boy?" His grandfather chuckled. The child's only response was to keep eating while slowly nodding his head.

"The child likes to eat anything..." His babushka said as she came over with a basketful of fresh vegetables and gave her husband a kiss on the cheek. "Little Mikhail eats like a bear." She added, gently roughing up the child's already messy long brown hair.

"Heh, suppose the boy ought to be as strong as one then!" His grandfather joked. "Why, he's already bigger than most boys his age!" He said as a matter of fact. Mikhail truly was large for a three year old. Then, his grandfather had the bright idea of introducing the child to the intricate art of wood chopping. "Say, come over here, my grandson."

Without hesitation, the child went to his grandfather where the older man held the axe out and examined it. "Hmm...tell me, boy. Are you strong like a bear?" He asked, eyes looking away from the axe and at his boy. The child hesitated, not sure how to answer. Eventually, his young mind told him to say 'yes'.

"Da." He responded.

"Oh? Are you really now? Well, how about you prove it then..." with that, his grandfather passed the axe to him. It was quite heavy and the three year old nearly dropped to the ground when he was passed the axe. "Show how strong you are by chopping this..." He stopped for a moment and firmly planted a log on the stump. "...log right here!"

"Oh Alyosha! Little Misha will have trouble holding that thing!" His grandmother said.

"Nonsense! You hear that, boy? Babushka thinks you are weak! Now prove babushka wrong and break this log like a stick!"

His young mind didn't understand the urgency, but he did get a sense of motivation from his dedushka's encouragement. With all of his might, he could barely lift the axe off the ground. This made his grandmother lightly chuckle while his grandfather told her to hush.

"Oy! Stop making me look bad in front of your babushka!"

Nodding his head, the child gathered up all his strength and grunted loudly when he managed to lift the axe over his head...and then fell over as the heavy weight of the axe caused him to fall backwards. His grandparents started laughing at him for it was awfully endearing, and the boy got up with a puff. He took a deep breath and just like that, the axe flew up, and came right back down.

Soon, his grandparents shut up at the sound of wood getting split. Turning around with a big smile on his face, Misha saw the shocked looks of his grandparents.

"Oppa..." His grandfather gasped. Then, his eyes widened with pride. "Ha! Told you he could do it, woman!" He then got a light slap on the face.

"I never said he couldn't do it!" She said sweetly before going over to Misha. "Oh, looks like my grandson really is a bear!" Mikhail's response was to roar like a bear, though it came off as not very strong for he was a child. Still, it was endearing enough that it was the thought that counts. "Well then, looks like I must make a feast for my little bear!"

With that, happy little Misha found himself riding on top of his grandfather's shoulders with the promise of a good meal waiting for him. He took great pride in the title of 'bear', a name that he will consistently find himself to have well into the future. That night, his grandparents presented him a heavenly meal that his young three year old self was absolutely delighted to gorge himself on. His grandfather played _Katyusha_ on a Russian folk guitar while his wife sung the lyrics as she made and served the food. Absolutely showered with love, young Misha couldn't be any happier.

Soon, the child fell fast asleep for his meal had made him quite sleepy, and he had nothing but good dreams. His grandparents were still awake, though they did not have happy looks on them at the moment. While Misha was sleeping, they watched and listened from a window as the entire village was abuzz with activity this late at night.

You see, a bloodied messenger on horseback came to the village screaming his lungs out that the Communists were coming before riding off to warn other villages. Now this village is technically neutral in all of this chaos of war, but there were some people who had family opposed to the communists, and some who actually were opposed to the Communists. There were people here who sympathized with the commies, but they for the most part continued to live peacefully with their neighbors.

But now was different. A lot of villagers were in a rush to leave and were packing wagons and horses with their belongings as the Communists would kill anyone who opposed them, even if you were just a villager who dI'd not take arms to directly oppose them. Even the families of those who oppose them will be captured for they will be seen as enemies regardless just by association.

Misha did not awake until someone slammed the door to his grandparents home wide open with a loud thud.

"Papa!" Misha's father called. He had a Mosin-Nagant slung across his back and he was heavingharshly as if in across harsh rush.

"Damn it, Piotr, you know how long it took to fix that damn door!?" Alyosha Cherinkov chided his son. He swears that the door's been broken more times by his son than anything else combined.

"Father, this is no time to worry about doors! We must leave! Now"

"...I know." Sighed Alyosha. "Your mother has already packed her things. I'm almost done myself..." He gestured to several hastily tied bags and boxes filled with things they owned.

"Okay, okay, good. Make sure you only pack what's necessary. Where is my son?" As soon as he said these words, Misha came over all sleepy eyed from the his grandparent's room.

"Papa?" The tired boy said sleepily. He hadn't seen his father for the last couple of weeks for he has gone to fight against the Communists. His mother was with him as she worked as a nurse for their side, but now both of them had left the front to come and save their son.

"Mikhail!" His father cried out as he was so glad to have weathered machine guns and still be able to see his son again. He ran to him and scooped him up in a tight hug of love, kissing his young son across the cheeks. "Listen to me carefully, papa is here to take you, dedushka, and babushka away from here."

"Why?" The child asked.

"There are bad men coming. Bad men who will...will hurt us badly if they find us." His father answered. "Now come on, your mother is waiting outside."

Piotr Cherinkov carried his son outside where for the first time in his life, Mikhael has seen a car. It was more like a truck, but not a lot of Russians during this time have ever seen a form of automobile before. From there, he found his mother waiting for him and she gladly embraced her son. His father helped his grandparents hurry up the process of bringing their things into the car, and with no further waiting, they left. The car drove through the village where it was a scene of chaos.

Young Misha was fearful for he saw people moving quickly and in a rush to leave. There was Shouting and screaming everywhere and the only thing his young mind could think of doing was to hide himself in his mother's bosom. The adults watched the scene unfold with grim faces, painfully aware of the reality of the situation for they are also a part of it.

"Mama? Where are we going?" Misha asked. His mother didn't answer for she was looking back in the direction they came from. They hadn't left the village completely yet, but far to the north where the road came from, dark smoke rose into the night with the orange colors of burning fire illuminating the air in the distance.

"Somewhere safe..." She answered finally, rubbing her scared son's back. Looking back himself, the child could faintly see his grandparent's house grow ever smaller and smaller until he couldn't see past all the things blocking his vision anymore. Now, they car was in a sort of caravan of other disorganized villagers leaving the village.

"Don't worry about the house." His grandfather comforted him with a warm smile on his wrinkled face. "And have no fear, boy. For you are a bear, and bears do not feel fear..."

* * *

 **Okay then, so this is the first of mercenary backstories. These are on more serious notes due to their nature, but they ought to give in-depth looks of crucial moments in all of their lives.**

 **So I present you with the start of Heavy's life in hiding until he gets imprisoned in a gulag.**

 **Review Responses:**

 **Guest: K.**

 **Sniper0625: well, thanks**

 **Gizmo Gear:...yep!**


	7. MiR Lore: Mercenary Backgrounds Part 1

**Welcome to a World of Remnant like mini series about Mercs in Remnant. The idea was long in my mind long before some guy in the last chapter suggested it, and I said "why not?" I'll do some of these only because there is definitely a lot of things that need explaining. Things that I'm not sure if I could explain in regular chapters. Let's get into this shit then, shall we?**

* * *

 **John Doe**

Known as "The Soldier" or simply "Soldier", John Doe is an overly patriotic American with a love for rocket jumping and anything about the American military.

Born on a rural farm near the Ohio River in 1921, young John spent his childhood wandering the lush fields of his family farm or the wilderness of the surrounding forest. His parents were both young people who dreamed of life in the big cities, leaving the fields and woods behind for the skyscrapers and shops when his father hit it big they year before he was born. Then it was found out that John's mother was pregnant with him. They feared a child might ruin the sweet life of dance halls and speakeasies in the city. Afraid that an abortion would lower their social standing and possibly kill his mother, they went all the way back to his grandfather's farm so they can have the child and leave him there.

Young John never saw his parents, but he always saw his grandfather. His grandfather, a fucking badass manly motherfucker named Howard Doe who's done nothing but smoke cigars and drink whiskey for most of his elderly life, was the only family member he had close to him. Howard was not your conventional grandfather, if you catch my drift, but he loved his grandson nonetheless. He took care of John in the absence of his fuck stupid parents where he would tell him stories. Stories about the red, white, and blue flag that flew proudly at their farm. Do you remember when I said Howard was a fucking badass? I meant it. This guy, born 1830, lived until **FUCKING** 112 years of age, had fought in almost every major American war from his birth to his death in 1942.

And yes, he was 70 or so when he finally decided to have a child.

Yes, these stories were about the heroics of Americans in action, but they were also about how he should always do the right thing. The Land of Freedom is exactly what it should be, therefore he slaughtered slave owners whenever he was down in the South. Liberty and justice to all, therefore he fought with the Native Americans in the Indian Wars of the West against American Cavalry. Whenever he was traveling the newly Free South, he would attack anyone and any establishment that openly expressed intolerance against blacks because he believed in "All men are created equal." I think you get it now, Howard was a patriot, but not a patriot for his government, but a true patriot of what America stands for, and he wanted his grandson to be the same.

The stories of heroism and what is right inspired John to go out in the fields and play soldier while his fuck manly grandfather worked the crops of the small land they owned by himself. Maybe he played soldier a little too seriously since his grandfather gave him an ACTUAL rifle to play with. He would sometimes take him out hunting and even teach him how to fight the way he does it.

Howard cared deeply for his grandson. His whole life has been spent fighting and killing in the name of the flag, even taking the flag against others who claim they are the actual patriots. So after fighting his last war in 1918, he found that he could no longer keep this up in his current age. His own son, John's father, was a reckless youth who was rarely home, always going out and hanging out with his friends to earn some money so they can go to the city. After the death of his wife in 1920, he found that he was just lonely at the family farm. That was until another Doe came to stay, John.

There you have it, Soldier's early life was full of patriotism on a small farm, so when he heard of war breaking out in 1941 against Japan and Germany, he wasted no time. He and Howard scrounged up all the money they could gather just to send John off to the East Coast where he could hopefully get enlisted. That didn't happen. He was so overzealous in his love for America that none of the recruiters from all branches would take him, saying he would easily get a Section 8.

Soldier was devastated. He didn't want to go all the way back to Ohio just to tell his now frail grandfather the army wouldn't take him because they thought he was crazy so he did the next best thing to joining the army. Stowing away to Europe.

The war was even better than what he imagined. Evil fucks called "Nazis" were everywhere, and the best part was that they were all in need of a killing! So fanatical was he in the war that his Nazi killing spree did not end until he found out in 1949 that the war ended four years earlier. He also forgot his name and legitimately thought it was "Jane" because it sounded like how his grandfather called him. Jane would be his name until he remembers that it was actually John during the robot war. He returned to America the next year due to difficulty in finding adequate transportation, and came back to his family farm to find his grandfather had passed away of old age the year after he left.

Soldier was devastated. On top of finding that his grandfather died, he found his childhood home had been turned into farmland for a farming corporation. He was lost. Having no where to go and no wars left to fight, he simply wandered around America as a homeless bum. His sanity delved down into loony levels combined with his insane love of America and hatred of all things that stand against it. Still, his grandfather's message stayed ever so prominent in his mind... even if there was a little blurring when Soldier decided he hated hippies and wizards among other silly things. And lead poisoning...

After nearly twenty years of homelessness, Soldier's life finally turned around when Mann Co. offered him a job. You know what happens next. He becomes roommates with Merasmus and fights in both Mann Co. wars. He only fought in World War II previously. He did not go to Korea or Vietnam.

* * *

 **William Charleston**

Known as "Scout", Willy is the scrawny but fast speedster of the mercenaries.

Born in 1951 to Annabelle Charleston and a certain disappearing Frenchman, Willy spent his life in his mother's suburban home alongside his seven older brothers. The father was never home. None of the fathers were home actually as they were all born to different men.

It was hard for his mom to keep check on all the boys, and Willy ended up getting into a lot of fights with his older brothers since he was the runt of the litter. Unable to effectively fight back against his bigger brothers, he took to running away then hitting back. If he was faster than his brothers then they can't hit him. With years of doing running (and some caffeine) he managed to be the fastest of all his brothers. This made him a great baseball runner for whenever he played with his brothers or at school. He absolutely loved the sport, even almost making it to the little league had he not been disqualified for trying to put itching powder in the other teams clothes.

Yep. He was never one to play real fair as life wasn't that fair for him. Getting bullied by your older siblings and some other kids on the street and also being pretty scrawny does that to you, but then again, if life doesn't play fair and you're also not playing fair, doesn't that mean it is fair then? It didn't matter much to Willy either way. The only thing he felt he had to prove was how was the best to everyone. Why? Because no one picks on the best!

He willingly gets into fights on the street just so he could show the world that he ain't no bitch and he wasn't going to take shit from nobody. This was also how he got into a lot of trouble with the law. Throughout his teenage years, his ego grew as he believed that he really was the best in town, bragging about it to everyone he met. Hell, there was a moment where the brothers all went to the shooting range and he managed to outdo all of them with a lever action shotgun and pistol, only making him more smug about how great he was.

But underneath, he's still the scrawny Boston kid who's been beaten, and he knows it. It's why he keeps the act of being the best up, but his love life doesn't exactly show the same results...

In 1968, he was approached by Mann Co. to work for them as a mercenary. He hadn't the slightest clue of what a mercenary was, but when they told him all he had to do was shoot and kill some guys, he was all for proving he was the best at this too. During this time, he discovered that one of his coworkers/ enemies (as they ended up fighting on both sides, because Mann brothers) might be his father...

To this day, Scout still refuses to believe Spy is his dad, even if the evidence and his own testimony say he indeed is.

* * *

 **The Pyro**

Fuck this shit. I know absolutely doggy dick about Pyro's origins and I don't want to lose my mind if I even try to understand how it came into being.

The only thing we know about Pyro's personalty is that it sees the world in a very cartoonish and childish way. Boring scenes are drab and lame but still in a cartoonized form, and scenes of violence are depicted as nice happy affairs with candy and sweet shit like that. To everyone else though, Pyro is seen as a merciless fire obsessed monster. Though it has been witnessed that Pyro's only like this in battle. When Pyro's not out killing dudes, it behaves like a child, playing with puppies and doing other innocent stuff like that.

As for Pyro's origin, I already told you I'm not delving into that fuckshit, but we do know that the individual known as the Pyro first appeared in 1964 after it as connected to a series or fires across the United States. The mysterious fires have been going on as far back as 1952, but it was only in 1964 when they finally laid eyes on the one causing the fires. It took some work and a dozen severely burned policemen to finally put Pyro in an insanity asylum, and asylum Mann Co. bought shortly after hearing about its newest patient. Pyro was freed on the promise that it will get to burn all the things it wants as Mann Co. couldn't find anything about its past to use against it, not like they would let it know that, but you get it.

It seems like whenever Pyro is angry, it has the supernatural ability to emit fire out of its body whenever it is extremely angry. No one has seen Pyro's face, or the rest of its body for that matter. The flame proof suit it wears has never been taken off.

* * *

 **Mikhail Cherinkov**

Mikhail Cherinkov, born 1922, somewhere in the Soviet Union. Heavy's early life was a pretty harsh one. His father was a counter revolutionary when the Soviets took control of Russia, so he tried to hide his family as best he can from the authorities. Still, they couldn't hide forever and Heavy's family was sent to a Siberian gulag in 1941 after almost twenty years of hiding. His father died in the grueling conditions of the gulag, leaving Mikhail as the man of the family at age 19. He hated the gulag and the Soviets for that matter. How can you put your own people in so much abuse and pain? This is where his hate of all things evil began.

In December of 1941, not even a whole year of being imprisoned, and adolescent Heavy single handedly freed all the prisoners and burned the gulag down amidst all the chaos. He made sure that he and the prisoners tortured every single one of the guards to death for their sins. So now what? You just burned down what was probably the only shelter for miles in this snowy wasteland. There goes what was left of the Cherinkov family, Mikhail, his mother, and his three younger sisters, Bronislava, Yana, and Zhanna. They somehow survived two days of walking through constant blizzards and knee deep snow when they stumbled upon a little village near the Dzhugdzhur Mountains in Siberia. It was here where the kind villagers took them in.

Since Heavy was the man of the Cherinkov family, he had to find a way to get his family out of these conditions. He decided the only way to do that was to gain an education and start a whole new life, erase their names so the Soviets wouldn't find them. After much thought, Mikhail began his journey west, hoping to get into a college in St. Petersburg.

It took years, but he did it. He received a PhD in Russian literature and he made ready to find a job as a writer, hoping he can make enough money in book sells to get his family settled in. Unfortunately, the Soviets found him out, and he was forced back into hiding. He worried about his family as he hasn't seen them in years, and now he's afraid he'll never see them again since he was stuck in Western Russia and they were in Siberia.

At one point where he tried to sneak onto a train, he was found by a team of KGB assigned to find him, and he slaughtered them. His actions brought attention to him however, and the authorities were quickly on him. That was their last moments on Earth, as Heavy picked up a minigun from one of the KGB operatives and proved how his strength and ferocity could defy Soviet rule. After killing the local police forces and some army units sent as back up, he traveled further north where he ran into an agent from Mann Co.

He questioned how the agent knew about him, but he made an offer that Heavy cannot refuse. An offer to leave Russia altogether and make money to support his family, and all he had to do was kill people. The answer was yes, and Mann Co. snuck him out of Russian and took him all the way to the Badlands. The hot climate was vastly different from the cold snow of Siberia, but he performed his new job without fail. Soon enough, he has sent enough money back to that little village to get a proper luxury cabin built for his family near the village.

* * *

 **There we have it. A World of Remnant like mini-series! Part 1 of the nine mercenaries backstories.**

 **Also, I'll say there will be a delay in an actual chapter because I got to actually think this time about what happens next, so these things are gonna have to satisfy ya until the chapters are out. There might be another one really soon. About what, I have no idea.**

 **Review Responses:**

 **Questioneer: No, it don't work if he is killed. When he was slashed by Adam, he wasn't killed outright.**

 **Pootinpiss: COWER FOOLS! FOR MERASMUS THE WIZARD IS HERE!**

 **ATTF: Yeh.**

 **MrtherategG: They all ded, but it's nice to hear you enjoyed it!**

 **buzzsaw935: Much reverse rape...**

 **Battle9921: As you saw it always is.**

 **Stryker Mikazuki J: Learn 2 sim, n git gud.**

 **Guest: Ahhhh, that's sad...**

 **Mr.G37: shhhhhhh... it's okay... they'll be back...**

 **loganwayman: He sure would...**

 **Registered Anon: Oh fuck yeah. most definitely.**

 **A fan: Ozpin did die, but his spirit is till around.**

 **Awesome Arod: Next chapter has been delayed by Lord Newell. Estimated time: 2,000,000 years.**


	8. MiR Lore: Mercenaries Backgrounds Part 2

**Rick Mundy**

There ain't much to say about the Sniper's backstory that we don't know about already.

Originally named Mun-Dee, Sniper was born to Lar-Nah and Bill-Bel of New Zealand. Yes, Sniper is a fucking kiwi (what Australians call New Zealanders). He was born in 1928.

Long story short, when Sniper was a baby his father was convinced that the end of the world was coming (again). When the council wouldn't believe him because they regretted their shitty decision to actually sink New Zealand at his request, he decided to build a rocket that only fit one person to escape New Zealand. Of course he was wrong, but he didn't know that. As his parents were fighting for the rocket, baby Sniper crawled into it and launched off into space, causing the final destruction of New Zealand by accident.

He did not make it anywhere near to outer space, and he fell back down to neighboring Australia where he was found bu his adoptive parents. Basically, a Superman origin story. Despite being Ockers (what New Zealanders call Australians), his adopted parents were not the strong mustached manly motherfuckers that Australians typically were. Instead, they were simply farm folk who ran a sheep ranch because Australians are big on sheep for some reason. Anyways, His parents never told him he was actually from New Zealand, and he was forced to go to school with the much stronger Australian boys.

A scrawny kiwi versus a kid with muscles and a mustache probably didn't go too well, so Sniper chose to fight at range by throwing stones and shit at them. This kept going well into his teenage years and all the way to adulthood where he made fighting at range his specialty. That and his amazing prowess at tracking and survival skills. He may not actually be Australian, but goddamn did he have the outdoors-man skills of one! Using a sniper rifle his father had when he was in the army, he mastered his sniping skills on the various fucking dangerous, eat your ass off, fuck my life, what the fuck are those things in Australia. (You thought Grimm were dangerous? You haven't seen Australia.)

So when time finally came for him to leave the house, Sniper was shit out of luck. No one would hire him because he was scrawny and weak, and why would they hire someone like him when they could get a regular Australian to do it? He didn't really have any valuable skills that other Australians already had but better. The only thing he had was his gift of fighting at range...

Sniping.

Seeing that being an assassin was pretty much the only option for him, he took up the sniper rifle he used for surviving the outback and began his life of a paid killer sometime in his early twenties. His parents did not approve of this, especially his father who believed that his son was a crazed gunman. Sniper insisted that he was a professional assassin with standards, but his father still thought otherwise until he finally changed his mind about his son in Heaven. (Which might have been a dream.)

The life of an assassin did pay enough for Sniper to buy a house, but the Australian preferred a camper van. That way he can quite literally take his home with him whenever hes travels, and he can't be tracked down so easily if he's constantly moving.

Then Mann Co. tracked him down. Simple shit, he was offered a job as being the sniper of the team. You should the know the rest from this point on...

* * *

 **Friedrich Heilburger**

This is Medic.

In 1917, Friedrich Heilburger was born in the German city of Rottenburg. He was born here, yet he was raised in the city of Stuttgart after his parents managed to find jobs there. Conditions were hard in Germany after World War I. There was a huge economic depression, jobs were scarce, fucking everything was ridiculously expensive, and socialists among other political groups openly fought in the streets with guns.

His poor family lived in an especially violent part of the city. Personally, he despised the people killing each other in the street, but he eventually got used to it. He would walk home over dead bodies and active firefights while humming to his favorite tunes. What else was he supposed to do, walk through an even worse part of town and get raped, or walk through the peaceful areas and take longer to get home?

Anyway, where did his fascination with medicine come from? It came when he was 10 years old in the form of a nice doctor. This doctor came to Medic's home since he was one of those doctors who would rather go to people's homes directly, and he was there to treat Freidrich for a fever. This fever was the worst thing he ever felt in his life, so you can imagine he was absolutely grateful when this doctor nursed him back to health.

There was a little more than just a nice doctor though that got Medic to love medicine. You see, this doctor was a soldier during the Great War. During his stay at Medic's place he would lovingly tell tales about how dark and grimy the trenches were as if it were no big deal that so many people died. However, young Medic didn't take kindly to these stories. He thought it was awful that people could be killed in ways so much worse than simply getting shot like those guys who fight out in the street, and he sought from that point on to relieve people of their suffering by becoming a man of medicine.

When he was 18 years old, Friedrich kissed his family 'Auf Wiedersehen' and went to pursue a medical education at a university in Hamburg. It was here where he met the first and only love of his life. A girl who also was an aspiring doctor. Yeah, there was romance in Medic's life. Their dates would consist of dissecting stuff and studying diseases and the like. Real romantic.

Their relationship blossomed over the next two years, and it eventually got to the point in 1938 where Medic wanted to ask her hand in marriage. She was basically a female version of him! So he got dressed up in the best clothes he had and went off to her parents house to ask her and her parents for their consent to marry her. When he got there, the house was burning. A Star of David had been painted on it and so was the word 'Jew.'

He rushed in to see if anyone survived, and he found the only survivor was his love. It was a sad moment when it was realized she was not going to make it. She had multiple stab wounds to her chest and much blood had been lost already. With her last breaths, she made Medic promise her that he will become the best doctor in the world for them. For her.

Medic buried her himself, standing by her grave as he thought about the last things she said. Other than the promise of becoming the best doctor, he remembered she said that two men from their university were responsible for all of this. Two very dead men.

A week after the burning, Medic was suddenly called in by his professor to tend to a fellow student who got into a severe car crash. The professor was also a doctor, but he was busy with another much more serious operation for the son of an SS officer. Naturally, he chose the best student to perform it. Some of the other doctors had their doubts, but he managed to convince them that this bright young lad can do the job. Medic took the operation, especially after finding out who was the student.

Perfect.

Upon entering the operating room, he immediately gagged his patient. The patient was one of the men who attacked his love's family before she passed.

...

A few hours passed, and the staff of the university eventually forced their way in to see what was taking so long. The patient was flat as if his bones had been removed and he was not moving a bit. That was until they moved to take his body when the man revealed he was very alive with a glass shattering scream. As for Friedrich and the skeleton...

Well, that's the story he tells people when they ask about his medical license. He was the doctor who performed the job, and his medical license was lost when he did the job. Technically, he never got the license, but he lost the opportunity forever with this event. When he said the doctor was never heard from again, he meant that they never saw him again.

As in he left Hamburg altogether and went all the way back to his hometown of Rottenburg. The people of Rottenburg barely remembered him, but they took him in nonetheless. His family were respected members of the community and they were glad to see him come back. However, they noticed that he was really... strange. People started calling him "Der Frankenstein" when they noticed he liked to perform experiments on animal, and in rarer occasions, human corpses should they be donated for science and he had the money to afford them.

If it wasn't apparent, Medic was different since the death of his love and the operation. He lost his mind. The combined need to keep good on his promise but also avenge her death was too much on his mind. His quest had gone to the realm of insanity. If he were to be the best doctor, then he simply had to do anything he could to achieve it.

One problem though, where the fuck is he going to get the money to pay for all of this? This problem plagued him for a while, so he made do with dead stuff around the city. The people were mostly okay with his antics so long as he didn't go around killing them and digging up graves for his experiments. Cadavers were rare since the people here were uncomfortable with the idea of donating bodies to science. Usually his bodies came in the form of death row criminals.

The year is now 1962, and the people have gotten completely used to their resident mad man. His little clinic was by far the best in town, and they were grateful to have such a medicine man with them. Medic did not feel the same. It did his heart and damaged mind good to find that he was helping people like he wanted, but it wasn't good enough. He wanted to expand beyond this city and reach out to others who needed it, and keep his medical experiments coming along with what little he had to work with.

His mind was slowly getting worse as he felt like he was failing his love. The previous view he had of not liking suffering was blurred with his experiments, but he at least retained the ability to care. If he lost the ability to care, then how was he going to keep this up for his love? She would've have wanted him to keep helping people, yet she also wanted him to be the best doctor. It was a crisis to decide if he wanted to go full on mad scientist and kill anything for his experiments in the name of the greater good, or to keep his humanity. A crisis his mind wasn't sure it could take much more of.

Then in 1965, he got word that the last of the two men responsible for his love's death was attending the wedding of the Prime Minister of Germany. I don't fucking know why Deutschland has a Prime Minister instead of a Chancellor, just roll with it. So Medic decided it would do his heart some good if he finished his revenge and visit the man in question as detailed in the story. Still, it may have pleased him, but the trouble of his current predicament was still there.

However, his troubles were solved when Mann Co. discovered him completely by accident. In 1967, Medic unveiled his greatest creation to the Earth when he used it to heal multiple people back to full health after they were injured in a building fire. That invention was the Medi-gun.

Mann Co. contacted him and promised him that they would pay for whatever the fuck he wanted to do. He agreed right away. When he arrived in the Badlands in 1968 and began his new job, he found there was no shortage of body parts and bodies to experiment on in the battles of the Gravel Wars.

After all of this, Medic is insane. Yet he was a mad man with standards and principals. He's fairly gentle with his patients, casually talking to them as he's operating with them to keep the mood up.

* * *

 **Tavish Degroot**

Demoman's backstory is going to be short since we know a lot about him already. He was born in 1923 in Ullapool, Scotland. His parents were members of the Degroot Clan, a clan consisting entirely of black, alcohol loving, bomb-loving, job wanting, sometimes all blind people.

In Demo's case, he was born with full sight, until he lost his left eye to the Bombinomicon when he went to Merasmus' place for a job. He was constantly told to go and get jobs to support his family. It was an era of hard times for the Degroot clan. A long era. For the last 200 years the proud Degroots had been reduced from mighty Highlands clan to poor bomb lovers in constant need of money. It's unsure how the Degroots fell from grace, but the only thing Demoman was sure of was that his family was as poor as shit.

So Demoman kept on his constant search for jobs for the next 44 years. He got Eyelander around this time and that's a story told in his memories, but the most drastic change from him during this time was that he took to booze to deal with the constant stress of looking for jobs. This wasn't unique among members of the Degroots, but there was something that did make Tavish unique.

While the rest of the clan became so occupied in looking for jobs, losing their love of bombs in the process, Demoman kept the tradition of bomb making alive. It lightened up a hard day's work whenever he blew something up. He also enjoyed learning how to use the various medieval weapons that laid around his ancestral home whenever he was told to see his grandfather, the head of the clan. Like Soldier's grandfather, Demoman's grandfather was also fuck manly but in a more subtle way. He was the only thing keeping the clan together over the hard times, and he thought Demo how to use the weapons.

It did not take long for Mann Co. to find this bomb loving Scotsman. They simply told him that they'll give him a fuck ton of money every month he killed some blokes for them. Welp, looks like his job troubles were solved. He can do what he loved _AND_ work at the same time!

* * *

 **Jacques Moreau**

The Spy was born in 1918 in Chateau de Moreau near Paris. That's right, Spy was a rich boy. His father was a respected field commander during the Great War, and his mother was a woman who loved the lavish life of luxury the family lived. They were a happy family that cared deeply for their country's well being. His parents suffered terribly during the war, and they put all the money they could into helping the country rebuild.

As a rich kid, he was encouraged to do stuff that would earn the family prestige or some snobby shit like that, yet the family wasn't considered snobby at all due to their genuine love of charity. The stuff Spy did learn was fencing (obviously), CQC, a lot of languages such as Chinese, Russian, English, Spanish, Italian, Catalan, etc., and piano. He dabbed in some singing, but he was best at fighting is what he discovered. However, despite his fighting prowess, he discovered that being sneaky and getting the surprise on people was far more satisfying than fighting them up directly. So that's what he did. Perfecting the art of sneaking at an early age. Mastering hide and seek, and minor robbery. Also some parkour to help with escapes.

Jacques was actually quite a punk back then. He liked to go around playing pranks and stealing things that he wanted, and he was so good at sneaking that he was rarely caught. However, when he was caught, his parents did not approve of it. They told him he should be a proud son of France instead of a no good thief. Despite his parent's advice, he kept this life up. He eventually became a play boy when he reached his twenties, going around and working his charm with ladies everywhere. Seems like such love for women continued to the next generation. The Frenchman never learned to restrain himself since he always got away with it with little consequence to it, but that all changed when World War II began.

When France got its ass handed to it by Nazi Germany, they forced his family out of their chateau. His father was killed in action against the Germans, and his mother had gone mad from the loss of everything. The Moreau's livelihoods were gone. Their home, country, and wealth was all gone.

It was at this critical moment in his family history that Spy decided it was time to man the fuck up. He immediately joined his Uncle Jules resistance group and valiantly fought as well, a Spy. He did the usual Spy activities. Sneaking, sabotage, gathering of information, and even assassination when they were really desperate. He performed his duty with utmost valor and seriousness, until that fateful night in Vichy.

Now, he was totally disillusioned. He immediately left France after the war ended half a year later and went to America, unsure of what to do with his life now. New York was where he first arrived, and he found he actually had no way of supporting himself here. Not wanting to get a job in a factory, he decided to rely on his trusted skills to find himself work. He hoped a lavish life of wealth and success would help him get over the events of the war.

So well into the 1950s-1960s, Spy spent his time in the United States and some other European countries doing stealthy work for anyone hiring. Big money, of course. That included mafia families. In the year 1950, he was hired by the Charlestown mob (no relation to the Charlestons, Scout's family) to assassinate the boss of the local Italian Patriarca mob in Boston. This was where he met Annabelle Charleston. French romance and the like happened, and he soon became a father. The father to William Charleston.

Then his mission was completed. Alessandro Patriarca was dead, but there was a slight problem. You see, Spy did a slip up, and let's just say the mob knows who he is and wants him dead. The obvious thing to do was leave as he did not want to endanger the first woman he actually considered marrying nor lose his life. Then again, Annabelle was still there, so he would return to Boston every now and then to go and see her, keeping a low profile so no one knew he was there. Even his son. Eventually, the mob got wind that he was back in 1964, and that was the last time he returned to Boston as they were that close to finding the Charleston's connection with him.

In 1967, Mann Co. found him and offered him a more permanent line of work. He was suspicious at first of them, but seeing that this may have been ultimate shot at gaining the wealth he thought would help him forget the war, he took it. Mann Co. paid a lot of money for its mercenaries.

* * *

 **Dell Conagher**

So this is Engineer.

Dell was born in Bee Cave, Texas near the city of Austin in 1922. He was raised on the Conagher ranch where his childhood consisted of cowboy stuff, such as shooting guns, rodeos, riding, fuck manly cowboy fistfighting, and herding cattle because of Texan tradition. Also, he spent it studying technology. Like every other male of the Doe lineage up to the 1800s, he was an inventor, a creator, and above all, an engineer.

His mother was a tech loving gal who married into the family and his father was the Team Fortress Classic Engineer. They were a happy family for quite a while. Happily taking apart machinery and building new contraptions were how they spent their days, among the dozens of rodeos they attended.

Then something terrible happened. An event that would break the family. Not long after being discharged from Mann Co., Dell's father got into a severe rodeo accident. He was on a bucking bronco when he fell off and got his legs crushed by the beast. A downward spiral into madness was what happened next. Apparently, he tried to go to Mann Co. for any medical aid, yet his return to the ranch saw him become mentally unstable. It's unknown what happened to him during his visit to Mann Co., but one thing's for sure.

Randy had gone insane. The proud Conagher man had begun severely abusing his own family, going on constant rants about "intelligence" and "defense" and "attack" and "fuck the other team." It all came to a climax detailed in the story where Engie confronted his father and kicked him out of the home forever. After this incident, Engie resolved to become an accomplished Engineer and continue his family's service to Mann Co. After all, Mann Co. was the reason the family was so well off.

He grew up and got several PhD's in various fields of engineering I'm not qualified to talk about, and he was accepted into Mann Co. with little trouble in 1967.

Then there's the whole deal with the Gravel wars, Robot wars, and ultimately, the last confrontation with his father in the clash of TFC vs TF2. The final Mann Co. war.

Let's just say all TFC mercs were dead by the end, and our boys were victorious.

* * *

 **Just another lore chapter to go with the Mercs' souls. Will respond to reviews next chapter.**


	9. MiR Lore: Team Fortress Earth Part 1

**The second round of "Mercs in Remnant" lore will focus on the world of TF Earth.**

* * *

 **Mann Co., the Gravel Wars, and the Mann Family**

Mann Co. is a multinational company whose profits are made from ridiculously high hat sales and weapons manufacturing. The vast majority of its buyers though come from mercenaries, hitmen, assassins, paramilitaries, and other organizations and individuals of the like. As far as anyone is concerned, Mann Co. is easily the most powerful and most richest company on Earth with influence and holdings in almost every major country, though major facilities are typically held in NATO countries as communists do not like them. The company is based in the Badlands of the American state of New Mexico.

The Mann family consisted of Zepheniah Mann, the head of the family. Blutarch, Redmond, and Gray Mann who were born triplets but we'll get to Gray later. Silas Mann who was Zepheniah's brother and also the Headless Horseless Horsemann of Mann Manor. And the wife of Zepheniah who's name I forgot but not really important anyway.

Mann Co. was founded sometime in the early 1800s by Zepheniah Mann, who was a wealthy Englishman. In the year 1850, he moved to the United States at the advice of his two sons on valuable land for munitions factories to be had here. The two sons were Blutarch and Redmond Mann who were born in Mann Manor, England, in the year 1822 as twins.

When the Englishman bought the land his sons urged him to, he found that they were mere idiots as usual and that the land was just wide sprawling desert with pits of worthless gravel everywhere. Nevertheless, he went ahead and built munitions factories on this land with the Australian Barnabus Hale and mysterious Elizabeth as his closest aides. This man was Saxton Hale's grandfather.

At this time, Zepheniah was already an old man and he had quite literally contracted every single disease known to mankind due to his old age, and he understandably died not long after moving to the United States. This next bit sounds ridiculous, but it is seriously completely canon to the TF2 universe. So since Zepheniah got every diseases known to man (all REAL diseases too), he was at that point where one of his ailments caused his skin to literally fall off of his body like he was a potato getting peeled or something. He then used his own skin to write his will on what is to be done with all the land he owns.

His will states that he left ownership of the company to Barnabus Hale and his descendants, all of his "miracle gravel" he discovered on an expedition to Australia to Elizabeth, and as for his two idiot sons...

He forced them to share half of all the land Mann Co. owned around the world. This was his ultimate punishment and "FUCK YOU" to his idiot sons since the two of them really hated each other, competing for their father's affection throughout their whole lives even if Zepheniah quite frankly did not give a fuck about them. The thing about the two brothers was that they were pretty much identical twins, though Blutarch's hair was slightly bluer and Redmond's was slightly redder. This also meant that they were equally retarded (and by extension, pretty much the same person) and both brothers decided to hire two teams of mercenaries to kill the other, but this ended up in a long stalemate as both teams were unable to gain the upper hand over the other. The mercenary teams throughout Mann Co. history will be discussed later, but just know that it was a _very_ long stalemate. This stalemate would become known as the Gravel War as it was mainly fought in the Badlands.

A stalemate that lasted from 1850 to 1971, which means this war between the two brothers lasted for 121 years. This also means this was a 121 year long war of literally nothing getting done except endless bloodshed that ultimately got nowhere, but the brothers were oblivious to all of this as they hated each other that much. However, as the war dragged on, both brothers realized one crucial thing. They were going to die of old age. Afraid that his brother had the potential to live _slightly_ longer than him, Blutarch contacted Radigan Conagher in 1890 to build him a life extension machine for a high price, something Engineer's grandfather agreed to.

However, a mysterious woman convinced him to build _two_ life extension machines for both of the brothers with the promise of him getting 100 pounds of Australium. Australium is an element that will be discussed later, but for now all you need to know is that this element allowed for the extension of life and the brothers' stalemate continued into the 1900s. In this time, a woman by the name of Helen had taken up the role of Administrator of Mercenary Affairs for Mann Co. where she is in charge of whatever the mercenaries on both sides do.

While the war raged on mostly in the Badlands, Mann Co. itself continued to prosper as the two brothers were too stupid to realize control of the company was more important than ownership of the land their father left them to share. The Hale family led the company to what it is today through surprising business deals, high munitions sales, and a recent addition of hat sales that were also surprisingly popular. So influential that Mann Co. had become that countries reached out to the company to see if any gain can be had, and gain there was. Mann Co.'s responsible for some major technological marvels that nowhere else in the world except Australia had, and their influence and power only grew over the years.

The 1900s has arrived, and the war raged on while Mann Co. continued to be run by the Hales. Barnabus Hale stepped down from CEO of Mann Co. and gave the position up to his son, Bilious Hale. This guy is Saxton Hale's dad. The original team of mercenaries had been disbanded in 1890 as its members already began leaving due to old age or going off to pursue their own goals in life. A new mercenary team was hired in this time, but they are a mystery as there is no known records to the TF2 fandom about them. Only thing was certain though was that they fought from 1890 to the 1920s as the war kept going. By the time 1930 came around, the mercenaries of Team Fortress Classic were the current generation fighting the brothers' eternal war with Bilious Hale as CEO of Mann Co. When World War I struck, the company actually benefited from the war as they sold weapons to both sides. It was like this for every war, actually, as Mann Co. enjoyed the pleasure of profiting off of the warring countries until international trade laws banned the company from selling weapons to any country. This wasn't a problem as there were still several groups out there who would gladly accept these weapons, but they did initially try to resist the law until the Nazis scared the shit out of them when Hitler threatened to eradicate Mann Co. should he reach America. Safe to say Mann Co. ended up supporting the Allies in World War II.

In 1960, Saxton Hale was given control of Mann Co. after his father stepped down. The Classic mercenaries had gotten old and were discharged from Mann Co. service after the Administrator deemed them unsuitable and they were replaced with another team of mercenaries until our boys come into the picture. Throughout the sixties. Mann Co. became heavily involved with the American space program, aliens, scientific experiments, and nuclear warheads while the company still expanded its operations to all sorts of trades.

Then 1968 rolled by, and the Administrator switched out the previous roster of mercenaries for the current generation that this story of mine follows. These men were very different from previous generations as they were _very_... sub-normal. As in, they seemed completely incompetent and unprofessional enough to do anything else but kill. They weren't disciplined or well-equipped or well trained like the previous generations, they were sort of just guys taken off the streets and told to fight because their skills were deemed adequate. This current stage in the Gravel War was also strange as it was the only time in its entire history where the war was fought entirely by _NINE_ guys switching in and out on both sides because they were told to instead of two teams of nine on each side. This was entirely on purpose though, but this will be explained later. Other than the fact that only nine guys were fighting the brothers' war this time, things continued as they normally did with the war going nowhere and stuff.

Then in 1971, the war did finally get somewhere. It ended. After 121 years of violence, it has finally ended when Blutarch and Zepheniah, both 149 years of age, were murdered in cold blood by their third twin brother. Yes, in 1822 when the twins were born in Mann Manor, they were actually born triplets. The third brother was none other than Gray Mann.

Gray Mann was different from his brothers. While their mother was giving birth to the three of them, and died of childbirth as a result, Gray was born frail and weak while his brothers were normal (though they seemed to hate each other even then). Zepheniah did not stand for this weakness and settled on having the baby killed, but what really sealed the deal for him was that Gray was hyper intelligent. He could quite literally do complicated equations and theories while in the room and he thought himself how to sepak so that he was perfectly fluent in English by the time he was born. Yeah, he was immediately deemed a freak, but before he was killed, eagles broke into the manor and abducted him.

This was the Great Eagle Scourge of 1822 that took the whole world by the storm. Even though he was taken by eagles, the eagle that took him raised him as if he were one of her own chicks. When Gray was strong enough to fend for himself, he killed his eagle mother and his eagle brothers and sisters and ate them, and then he crawled all the way back to civilization by himself. Sometime between then and 1850, Gray left England for the United States where he delivered a mysterious letter to his father which said that he knew about Zepheniah's stache of Australium, and he threatened to take action against his father if he didn't give him the company. This was how Gray became Zepheniah's favorite son, but Zepheniah still said FUCK YOU I'M DYING and gave the company to the Hales instead.

Gray got really salty about this, but he was unable to actually take any action since he wasn't powerful enough to challenge Mann Co. This was no matter for him though. While his brothers were fucking retarded, Gray was hyper intelligent and he formed a grand scheme that he has waited over 100 years to come into fruition. In this time, he's built himself a more advanced and efficient Australium life extension device and even sneaked his own enterprise in Mann Co's endless waves of she'll companies to gather his own profit. When he's finally gained enough power, the waiting phase was over.

In 1971, both Redmond and Blutarch received letters that the other had apparently written to each other claiming it was time for peace. Actually believing the letters, the brothers rented the goddammit Alamo and fucking MOVED it to New Mexico t hold their meeting. Surprisingly enough, they decided to put their differences aside and end the war as they realized that there was no heir to take the company after they finally did of old age, even though the Hales owned the company...

After coming up with the horribly stupid plan to build a machine to get one of them pregnant, Gray introduces himself, says some bullshit on what his goal is, called his brothers fucking stupid, and stabbed both of them to death with a knife before leaving. The Gravel War ended, but now the Robot Wars had begun. For another six months, a whole other war that went absolutely nowhere was fought as the nine mercenaries were all put into one team and told to fight the robots in the defense of Mann Co. Unlike his brothers, Gray saw where this was going and did not like the idea of waiting another 100 years of pointless fighting in an endless stalemate, and he went to Saxton Hale to challenge him for control of the company.

You see, Saxton Hale had this policy where anyone who can magical defeat him in a fistfight gets control of Mann Co. Sounds pretty straightforward, a policy where it basically means no one is taking Mann Co. away from him. However, Gray's not the one fighting Hale. Instead, it's a little girl named Olivia who he adopted from some orphanage just for his occasion. Finding that he can't make himself beat up a harmless little girl no matter how hard she tried to hurt him, Hale gave up and left in exike, leaving Mann Co. to Gray. Technically, Olivia owned the company, but come on now, Gray's the real owner here. With Gray in control, he immediately fired the nine mercenaries as he was technically their boss and told them to fuck off. Since they weren't getting paid for this anymore, the mercenaries disbanded with Gray choosing not to go after them since there was no reason to.

He had other things to worry about. For the next six months, he concentrated everything he had into solidifying his control over the company as well as attempting to beat the Administrator to the last sources of Australium in the world. He rehired the mercenaries of Team Fortress Classic who turned out to be still able to fight to get rid of the mercenary teams working for the Adminstrator, and they successfully done so.

With the Adminstrator's top teams of mercenaries dead, there was only one team left to call. The team of rejects she left to fight the Gravel War while her professional teams did actual work for her.

The rest of this story is told in the TF2 comics which I highly suggest you read, but as for how I ended this led to the current events and divergence from canon will be told later.

* * *

 **Mercenary Teams**

The Gravel War was fought entirely by two teams od mercenaries who technically work for the same company but fight on either RED's side or BLU's side.

RED stands for Reliable Excavation and Demolition as Redmond's side. BLU stands for Builder's League United for Blutarch's side.

Throughout the course of the war, nine mercenaries were hired to fill nine classes. Those classes being Spy, Scout, Soldier, Engineer, Heavy, Pyro, Sniper, Medic, and Demoman. Thsee roles have changed little over time despite advancements in weapon technology.

The original BLU team consisted of Abraham Lincoln as the Pyro before he went on to become President of the United States, Stonewall Jackson as the Soldier before the Civil War broke out, John Henry as the original Heavy, Nikola Tesla as the Engineer, Billy the Kid as Scout, Sigmund Freud as Medic, Davy Crockett as Sniper, Fu Manchu as Spy, and finally Alfred Nobel as Demoman.

It is not known who the members of RED Team were in thise era of the war.

Then two unknown teams took the spot in the late 1800s to early 1900s before getting replaced by the Team Fortress Classic mercenaries and the team they were against who fought from 1930 to 1960. They do have names, but they aren't that important except that the Classic Engineer was the current Engineer's father. All you need to know about this team was that they were well equipped and trained professionals who are disciplined like military men. Then later on they became our current team's greatest foe before their ultimate defeat shortly before the boys get sent to Remnant.

Another two unknown team took their place from 1960 to 1968 where the current guys replaced them when the Adminstrator pulled them back so they can become her personal mercenaries. The current team's story has been discussed in the previous lore chapters already.

As for the history of mercenaries in Mann Co. as a whole, they were typically very militaristic like that of the Classic mercenaries with the exception of the the two original teams and the single team we follow today. As a matter of fact, the current team is considered the laughing stock of the mercenary world and are looked down upon, though our boys didn't really care that much because money was important to them.

The respawn machine was introduced in the 1930s during the time the Class mercenaries were fighting. How it works is beyond even me...

The Administrator has control over several teams od mercenaries but she only ever has two fight each other at a time just to keep the Mann brothers and Hale distracted from what she's been doing in the shadows. For the rest of the teams, their job was to secure as much as Australium as possible as well as silence anyone and anything that was a serious threat to her plans, threats that Ms. Pauling cannot be sent to take care of. It wasn't until 1968 where in desperation she pulled out the two previous teams and used them to intensify her search for Australium as Gray Mann was beginning to race her for it. She realized that it didn't really matter who was fighting the brothers' war so long as anyone was fighting at all, so our nine dudes were left to tear each other part while professional mercs and raced Gray's forces for Australium.

Three of these teams are named and they are, Team Vanguard, Team Citadel, and Team Echelon who were apparently the best of the Adminstrator's mercenaries according to the Classic mercenaries who defeated them.

Yeah... this means our boys really were rejects. Well, their back stories and outward appearance and behavior don't exactly help their image out either. However, all things considered I'd say these so called losers were able to pull their final mission off quite well when Gray and his army of robots was defeated alongside Team Classic at their hands.

They may not be the most disciplined, trained, well equipped, or most reputable mercenaries out there, but our boys have proven that they had more balls, skill, and man in them than what people make them out to be. They are the Teufort Nine, and they're some of the toughest sons of bitches Earth's ever seen.

* * *

 **Will respond to reviews next chapter.**


	10. MiR Past: Spy's Bastille Day

**Dialogue spoken in French but written in English for convenience.**

* * *

 **Paris, 'Bastille Day' 1938**

A full moon shone over Paris, the City of Light as it is popularly known. A title it truly deserved, for as far as the eye can see lights bathed the buildings and streets of the ancient city. The Eiffel Tower lay illuminated by spotlights where it stood on the Champ de Mars, making a grand centerpiece amongst all the lights as its grand height and majesty shone above the rest. However, more than just building lights illuminated the sky as fireworks soon began peppering the night with dazzling displays of colors and patterns. The Eiffel Tower itself was the center of the grand light show being held by the city, as currently crews were working on organizing the fireworks for later on tonight.

For you see everyone, today was July 14th. La Fête nationale, it's National French Day! The day where French people around the globe celebrate that one time they had a revolution and killed everyone in a shitty royal fort and then tore it down!

All things that young 16 year old Jacques Moreau appreciated about the fine capital of France. The young teenage French lad strolled about the streets, dressed in his finest casual suit. He wore no hat, and his black hair was combed back. There was a smile on his face as he took in the joy and pride of his fellow Frenchmen. People waved the French tricolor out every window and off of every rooftop they can find. Some children ran by him dressed up in costumes made to resemble that worn by French soldiers in the late 18th century complete with tricorn hats. Accordion music can be heard from multiple directions, and there was even a large group of people gathered in a plaza singing the French national anthem in a group. Their singing was so loud that he was able to hear the lyrics of the anthem clearly through all the commotion of the street.

These things were all nice and good, but this boy had other things in mind. Wandering into a richer district of the city, he had a special someone he wanted to see. A girl he's been seeing for the last week.

But first, he needed a gift. So what does a young gentleman like him get a girl? Simple, some jewelry. And where does one get jewelry on a day where everyone is busy celebrating their country? A jewelry store. Like, it's not that hard to understand, but the important thing to focus on here was that he was going to drop by a jewelry store and 'acquire' some jewels for his girl.

Soon enough, he finds one. The store was at the corner of the many rows and rows of buildings that connect to each other in the city, but to his luck, the store was closed as the owners were out celebrating the holiday. Looks like it's gonna be an easy job then, as the only people around were too focused on shooting their own fireworks up into the sky to notice a little robbery. Slipping behind a narrow back alley on the side of the building, he found the back entrance and got to work lockpicking it. A couple simple moves of the picks and wrenches, and his efforts were rewarded with a click. He smiled as he opened the door and closed it so no one got suspicious.

"Child's play..." He chuckled softly to himself as he pocketed the lock for later.

The room he was in contained several crates and boxes of stuff, obviously the storage room. While he would've loved to stay and ransack these crates for the jewelry and whatever else lay within, he was a professional gentleman thief, and he only stole what he wanted. Quite frankly, he wouldn't have needed more than a couple necklaces or whatever else. He had all the money in the world, and he just needed some precious stones to please his love. No point in robbing these poor people out of _all_ of their wealth. Now that would be inconsiderate, especially on a holiday.

It was totally dark inside the first floor only store as all lights were off due to it being closed. The only lights came from outside because of the streetlights, and every now and then fireworks would send their colorful lights deeper into the store and provide brief flashes of illumination. That was fine for Jacques though. He was able to find the display cases easily. The teenager strolled along the isles of the store, intently expecting which fine piece he wanted as if he were here shopping in the daytime.

There wasn't much to fear about anyone seeing him from outside as no one was paying attention.

"Hmm... too gaudy..." He said to himself after seeing a not so ideal piece. "Too many jewels... Not pretty enough. Too big... aha! This is the one..." His eyes laid on a diamond necklace carefully displayed on a cushion behind the counter. It consisted of a single circular cut diamond surrounded by a highly detailed and ornate gold that made up the rest of the necklace. Not too fancy and not to simple. Perfect.

Whistling, he took the necklace and simply headed towards where he entered the building. That's it. A simple jewelry store rob in an era where alarms were uncommon among small family run operations like the store he was in. The only issue he ran into was when he was entering the storage room, the backdoor he entered from had slowly opened, forcing him to run up behind it and hide as whoever was entering entered. Whoever it was, it was most certainly not the owners. Even if it wasn't the owners, this was bad. His face was exposed and there wasn't enough space or time for him to slip out the door just behind him. He didn't want to get sent to jail today, not on a holiday.

Jacques dare not peak out, just not yet. He waited until the mysterious stranger opened the door wider, watching the light cast from outside grow bigger and bigger while the shadow of the person crept into the building. Once he judged the person to be inside enough based on the shadow, Jacques rushed the door and slammed it right on top of the person. The person had the air knocked out of them and fell backwards out of the building where Jacques rushed out and prepared to knock this person the fuck out with a swift punch to the face.

"Wait! Wait! Wait!" The stranger, identified as a male yelled. "Jacques!? Is that you!?"

Young Spy blinked. He had frozen in place when the person yelled, and his fist was just inches away from knocking him out. Taking a moment to see his face, Jacques frowned.

"Enzo? What the Hell are you doing here?" Jacques asked, continuing to frown as he loosened his fist and offered his hand to help his friend up.

"I came here to rob this jewelry store, what else does it look like?" His friend said through a nasally nose. "Oh damn, this hurts!"

"Serves you right, I was robbing this place first." Jacques said, not feeling sorry for what he just did.

"It's not my fault I saw an unlocked door..." Enzo muttered, clutching his hurt nose.

Enzo was a strange acquaintance of his. He was an Italian boy born in France, and as far as he knew, he couldn't speak Italian and his family's been living here for a while. He was younger than him by two years, and he wasn't rich like him. It's an unlikely match how a poor Italian kid in France would be a friend to a rich French boy, yet that's exactly what is happening now. In a lot of ways, Jacques treated him like a student and even a little brother at times. Teaching him the ways of stealth and being a gentleman every now and then.

Jacques merely sighed as he got out the lock and placed it on the door. "Well, you're too late. I already got what I came here for."

"Was there anything good in there?" Enzo asked, unaware that it was a jewelry store.

"No." Spy lied, not wanting his friend here to amateurishly break in and get caught. "Come on, I got someone to see. Walk with me."

The two walked out of the alley and to the street. Just in time too, as the owners had just came back by way of a cab and were now entering the store Jacques just broke into. People were still celebrating in the streets as they were before.

"It's a nice night, isn't it?" Jacques said to Enzo, admiring the enthusiasm of the French people.

"I guess so... ow, is my nose bleeding?"

"No, you're fine." Spy assured him.

"Ugh, my mother's still gonna get mad at me. She'll think I got into a fight or something..."

"Yes, well like I said before it's your fault for robbing a store that is already being robbed." He said, earning a glare from his younger friend. "Anyways, I got this little trinket from inside..." With a smug grin, he pulled the necklace out of his pocket and waved it in front of Enzo's amazed face.

"Whoa! Who's it for? Wait! Don't tell me, is it for that pretty girl I've been seeing you with? What was her name again, uh... "

"Élise." He finished for him, a smile forming on his face at her name.

They were nearing the luxury hotel meant for those with money now, and Spy was getting ever more eager to see his girl. Enzo however, couldn't come with him. Only known names were allowed in the building as a lavish ball was being held in celebration of the national holiday. Enzo's poor middle class background effectively rendered him a nobody, and he was aware of it. Jacques wasn't oblivious to his friend's problem though, so before saying goodbye to him for the night, he gave him three fat stacks of money for him to spend.

"Here. Go buy yourself something nice." Jacques said in a wholeheartedly good-natured way. The younger boy's eyes flared up with stars when he saw the cash, looking at Spy as if to make sure he was serious about it. "Go on, take it. It's a holiday after all."

"Thanks, my friend! You're the best!" The young Italian boy cheered before running off all the way to his house. Spy watched him as he ran, a smile on his face. Enzo was a good kid. Naive, young, somewhat poor, and eager, he had potential in becoming a thief, but rather a thief with standards as Spy will continue to teach him. He'd have to teach him some other night though, as now he's got a date.

Jacques entered the hotel where he said his full name to the staff. The staff immediately let him in as everyone in the high class community knew who the Moreaus were. Speaking of which, if he remembered correctly, his parents should also be here attending the ball. His memory proved true as upon walking through the ballroom, he saw his mother and father speaking to some of his father's old war buddies. He decided he'll join up with them later, as his girl was waiting for him up in her room.

The people here were far more sophisticated than the people singing and dancing out in the streets from earlier. They were the usual sort of aristocratic high class individuals that one would expect at a ball like this, though they weren't quite as snobby. It was a holiday, how could anyone put their fellow countrymen down? Besides, there was a slight feeling of uneasiness in the room as people were talking about what the Nazi government in the country to the east could possibly mean for France. If war were to come, then France will stand together against Germany.

Jacques himself wasn't too worried about war against Germany. It didn't concern him much because he didn't believe that fucking maniac Hitler will dare to invade France. His father had told him of all the plans the army had in place in case the Germans did, and he has to say that anyone who will want to invade France is going to get butchered like pigs.

Anyways, the boy made his way to the upper floors past several guests. A lot of the people he walked by recognized him and greeted him. Even some of his ex-girlfriends...

"Jacques..." A dark haired girl with green eyes said his name distastefully when he walked past her and her friends.

"Adilene." He nodded at her with a grin, annoying her to no end. Just to mess with her further, he winked towards her friends. This made the girls giggle and blush as they couldn't help but fall to his handsome charm. Obviously, this made Adilene yell at her friends in embarrassment for being so inconsiderate of her.

Jacques couldn't help but let out a small chuckle after that encounter, and that wouldn't be the last. Throughout this long hallway to get to the next set of stairs, he's met seven ex-girlfriends alone.

"Amie... Bell... Celeste... Mimi..." And so on... Sixteen years old and already so many broken hearts, even if a lot of those hearts still loved him secretly.

A lot of the young people here were around his age, and they were all as rich and high class as him. Since rich people typically stick with other rich people, a lot of these young rich kids knew each other, therefore everyone was aware of who Jacques was, and also what he actually is. That is a dirty, thieving, romancing, handsome, well mannered, rich bastard. Still, the fact that he's a known thief didn't seem to discourage most people when it came to how much of a gentleman he is. He often refers to himself as a thief with standards, and standards he definitely has.

Just like with the list of ex-girlfriends, his list of friends or more appropriately, 'acquaintances' go on and on.

"Antoine, how's your mother? Adrien, tell your father I said hello. Pierre, your suit is awful. Evan, tell your sister I said hello." And so on...

That was more half enemies than friends, but that's to be expected when you break up with their sisters. After this next flight of stairs, he reached the floor where his current girlfriend was waiting for him. Her family actually owns the hotel, and they live on the top floor where they have a wonderful view of the city across the Seine River. As a matter of fact, the entire top floor is reserved for them and guests who are very very close to them. And Jacques was not one of these guests. Her parents were well aware of this boy's reputation and hated his guts. That's why they're not going to see him tonight.

Peaking into the door leading into the lavish living space of his girlfriend's family, he saw that her parents were speaking to a couple very important guests of their's in what can be considered the main lounge. There were maids and butlers scattered about, either waiting for the family's orders or currently working on some chores. His girlfriend's room was tucked away in a hall beyond all this, meaning he'd have to sneak through a floor full of people who will quite literally throw him off the building and into the Seine River if he was caught. Well, just like her parents, these people aren't going to see him.

Deciding that sneaking through all that would be impossible, he gently closed the doors and went to the nearest balcony. The balcony was down the steps and overlooking both the ballroom and the outside plaza where the river lay. The moment he reached the balcony, someone pulled him back behind some curtains.

"If it isn't Jacques Moreau..." A sultry voice greeted his ears. He didn't even have to turn around to know who it was.

"Charlotte." He said, giving his signature charming smile to an old flame of his. His smile was awarded with a slap across the face.

"Don't you dare smile after what you did to me, Jacques!" The girl hissed. His blue eyes fell on her after recovering from that slap, and he was greeted by the sight of an angry red-haired girl with blue eyes.

"And why not? You look magnificent this fine evening..." He said, motioning to her rather elegant red dress. Again, he was slapped right across the face.

"Shut up! How could you leave me!? I thought you loved me!" She cried angrily, just about ready to hit him again.

"Oh Charlotte, I did love you. _Did._ " He said with emphasis. "Then you started being quite... abusive."

"Abusive!? I'm not abusive! How dare you accuse me of such a thing, you idiot!" The angry girl reared her hand back to slap him again, but this time Jacques lazily dodged his head to the side. This made Charlotte completely miss her swing and she ended up falling out into the floor. Not only that, but she also tore the curtains down so that it all piled on top of her and got her all ensnared in it. Jacques was fine for the nimble lad had easily stepped out of the way.

"Hope to see you again, Charlotte. It's been a pleasure." Jacques continued out to the balcony, leaving his angry ex-girlfriend clawing at the curtains to get free. He kept his cool though, he's got someone else he wants to see.

Finding the balcony, Jacques decided to put his parkour skills to use. Due to the nature of how the hotel was designed, scaling the side of the building was really easy because of how many window sills, poles, and large ornate decorations there were to climb onto. It was so easy to climb, that he reached the top floor in three minutes tops, though that might have to do with how he was merely on the floor right below. All that mattered though was that he was able to see his girlfriend undetected, though the question now was which one of these windows was his girlfriend's room. He's never been here and before, but he had to start somewhere.

Deciding on a window that was already wide open, he entered and was immediately caught by a maid. This was not his girlfriend's room, and the maid was busy fixing up the bed when he suddenly dropped in. She was surprised to say the least. The maid was a young brown haired girl who seemed to be just about his age. Before she had a chance to scream out and alert the others, Jacques rushed her and held onto her tightly while covering her mouth.

"Shhhh... be quiet, my dear..." He said, placing a finger gently onto her lips. The young maid blushed when she felt his finger touch her soft lips, and she couldn't help but turn red as Jacques worked his charm on her. Never in this young woman's life did she think a high class boy like him would ever treat a lowly maid like this, but she wasn't complaining in the slightest because it was just like her dreams! She enjoyed every movement of his hands gently caressing her back and hair, and she got to the point where she couldn't control herself and pulled him in for a kiss.

"No, not today." The boy said, resisting her attempt at a smooch by holding her back. "Keep quiet, and I promise I'll come back one of these days. Can you do that for me?" The maid slowly nodded her head, her face still red. "Good, consider this a parting gift from me..." Her heart stopped beating when the charming young man kissed her on the cheek. That simple kiss was enough to make her faint on top of the very bed she was organizing.

Knowing for real that his girlfriend wasn't here and confident that the maid will definitely not wake up to alert anyone, he went right out back the window and scooted over the ledge to the next one. This time, he made sure to peek in first to make sure he didn't get caught a second time. What he was greeted by was a very welcome sight. It was his girl, Élise. She was sitting alone in her bedroom, tying her hair so that she could go downstairs and join the ball later.

Being the sneaky young man he is, he very quietly opened the window, so quiet that the sound of the window's locking mechanism being opened was inaudible. Just a valuable skill of sneaking into places with people inside them. Opening the window slowly but not too slowly, he opened it just enough for him to slip through so that he wouldn't waste any time. He didn't bother with closing it though, for it served an easy distraction for his girlfriend who had noticed the breeze of the wind and suddenly louder noise of fireworks. To her, he was completely invisible, having not a single clue that it was her boyfriend who made the window open and not just wind.

Once she got up to close it, he carefully moved over to her bed where he intended on giving her a huge surprise. He sat down on her luxury queen sized bed with a grin, just waiting for her to turn around. And he was not disappointed by her reaction.

"Jacques!" Élise yelled. Curiously though, she sounded more distressed than gleefully surprised. He noticed this, and he raised a brow at her. Then, he found out the hard way why she was so distressed. He found the air getting knocked out of him when someone tackled him from behind and forced to the floor.

"Think you're so slick, Jacques?" A rather pissed voice hissed down at the struggling boy.

"Mathias..." Jacques hissed back. Mathias was Élise's older brother, and he had a fierce rivalry, even hatred with him. Long before he even met Élise, these two have been hating each other for as long as both of them can remember.

"I knew you'd come for my sister tonight, you damned pervert... I know how you're filthy type works, you're going to keep seeing my sister until you get bored of her and then you'll leave her in the dust with a broken heart." Mathias hissed. His hiss was cut short when Jacques slipped out of his grip and punched him off.

"Maybe that's because most girls I meet are just too... well, not quite my type." He said. There was truth to that though. A lot of the rich girls he's dated turned out to be either too crazy, too whiney, or too demanding of him. "Now, are you going to stand there? Or are we going to fight?" Jacques said, facing his rival while assuming his fighting stance.

* * *

 **Five Minutes Later, The Ballroom**

"...And then I stabbed the German officer in the chest with my bayonet, like this!" Jules, Spy's uncle for those of you who remember, then mimicked the action of thrusting a bayonet into the guts of a man for his old war buddies to see. Of course, the other guests of the ball who weren't war veterans were weirded out by it, but for the men who fought proudly in the defense of France at his side had a good laugh about that. The Great War was a fun time...

"Ah, those were fun times, weren't they Alphonse?" Jules threw an arm around his best friend, Spy's father.

"Yes, my friend, they were..." Alphonse laughed softly. While he didn't quite enjoy that horrifying war as much as Jules oddly did, he felt proud for defending his homeland during it. The feeling was mutual for all these Great War heroes here around him, all men he knew and respected back during the war.

"Dear, where is our son?" His wife and Spy's mother, Ariane Moreau, asked. "Jacques said he'd be here an hour ago. What can possibly be-"

*CRASH*

The entire ballroom fell silent as up above, two brawling boys smashed through the railing of the second floor and landed straight into the fountain in the center of the ballroom. This got several loud gasps from the guests, and even more when the boys continued to fight each other despite falling off the goddamn second floor.

"Oh, there he is..." Jacque's mother sighed at watching her son get into a fight. "That's not very gentleman like at all. Alphonse, dear, will you please tell our son to stop? He's going to ruin his suit..."

"No, leave the boy to it..." Captain Alphonse Moreau sighed himself, shaking his head at his son's actions. On one hand, he appreciated the fighting spirit of his son, but on the other, it made for a real bad example to the other families. That boy already has a reputation among the French elite for being quite the badass. While most French rich kids were just arrogant, Jacques's actually willing to get his hands dirty and is not afraid to get into a scrap if it's not avoidable.

Somehow, the two boys had gotten rapiers on their long and massive fight downstairs, and they were now dueling each other like how musketeers a couple hundred years ago used to. Mathias' parents and Élise came screaming down the steps, urging the two boys to stop before they hurt each other... more than they already have that is.

"Well, you've certainly done it now, Mathias." Jacques said, momentarily taking his eyes off his opponent to look at the audience they abruptly gained. "Now that we've got these blades, I suppose we really can settle this like true gentlemen."

"Indeed we can..." Growled Mathias.

At an instant, he lunged forward with his rapier to stab right at his chest. Jacques responded by narrowly stepping to the side and slapping his opponent's blade down then going for a counter slash. The attack hit and Mathias now had a neat and thin slash mark across his chest, just barely missing his skin. With a vengeance, the rival boy rushed in with a lightning quick series of strikes to keep Jacques on his toes. His strategy appeared to be working too, as now Jacques was struggling to deflect and block all the attacks without backing too much into the crowd.

Just a little more retreating, and then Jacques ducked under a swipe and slashed at Mathias' leg. The attack missed as Mathias moved his leg out just in time, and then he awarded Spy with a harsh knee to the chest. The blow knocked the air out of Jacques, leaving him stunned as Mathias moved in to finish this fight off before it got any worse. Obviously, it got worse. Though he was stunned, Jacques still ducked under a slash just in time and had recovered enough to grab him by the coat and throw him down to the ground.

"Looks... like... I've won..." Jacques heaved, still reeling from the blow with his rapier held to Mathias' neck. Mathias wasn't too much of a sportsman however, and he unceremoniously slapped Jacques' blade away and attempted to do a standoff with him. It did not work however, as Jacques masterfully tangled their rapiers together, and now both boys were wrestling for control here.

"Huh... reminds me of when you and I when we were younger." Jules whispered to Alphonse who can only nod. His son really was a lot like him when he was his age.

Soon, the boys ended up throwing their own rapiers out of the way purely on accident, but that didn't stop them from still fighting each other. Now they were doing the gentleman's sport of boxing, albeit a bit more roughly. Although here, Jacques had an advantage. His training in martial arts allowed him the upper hand over his opponent, but Mathias was no slouch when it came to boxing. While Jacques was trained in more martial arts, Mathias was the better boxer of the two and he was able to block and take most of Jacques' attacks.

The crowd watched in awe. It may have been a holiday and these were all rich people, but they still appreciated the art of boxing and combat whenever they saw it. Depending on who they liked better, people began cheering out for either Mathias or Jacques. Though the crowd may have been surprisingly enjoying it, the parents of both boys did not. Deciding that this fight had gone on for long enough, they finally went in to separate the two boys.

"Alright, that's quite enough young man!" Alphonse yelled as he grabbed onto his son. Mathias' father did the same, but both boys struggled as if they still wanted to fight each other.

"Well, looks like it is a tie for now." Jacques said, fixing his literal tie as it had become loosened in the fight. He gave his characteristic grin to his rival, annoying him to no end. It annoyed him so much that Mathias broke out of his father's hold and clocked Jacques right in the face, knocking him to the ground.

"Seems like that tie has turned into a victory for me, bastard..." Mathias spat, turning to go away with his own father and family.

"Ow..." Jacques groaned as he clutched his face in pain. A shadow was casted over him, and he slowly looked up to see his girlfriend Élise.

"Jacques! How could you hurt my brother like that!?" She yelled in his face before giving him a quick slap to the face, stomping off to see if her brother was okay afterwards.

"What was I supposed to do, let him throw me out the building?" Jacques said to himself as he rubbed the sore spot where he was both punched and slapped.

"Come on, boy, get up." His father urged him with a helping hand, but yet his voice sounded dead serious. "You're in so much trouble..." With that said, Alphonse led his son outside to the courtyard lining along the side of the Seine River. His mother went to speak with Mathias' family while Jules stayed back to have a laugh with his old war buddies.

The crowd, despite the disruption and damage the fight had caused, was rather excitedly murmuring and talking about it as it was the most exciting thing to happen yet. It didn't necessarily mean it was a good thing, just that it was something that livened up the night for these rich people.

"Son, tell me what did I just witnessed." Alphonse asked his son.

"Well, you witnessed me defending myself from a brute masquerading as a gentleman, father."

"Hmm... and did this so called 'brute' attack you because you snuck into his sister's room?"

"...you know me too well, father." Jacques sighed, earning a face palm from his dad.

"Jacques, we've talked about this. You cannot keep doing this. A young man like you shouldn't be getting into fights over whoever's sister or girlfriend you're falling for! It's indecent and an embarrassment to the family."

"Well that's only if I'm caught." Jacques shyly laughed, earning a glare from his dad. "...which is multiple times."

"And every time you get caught, people will think less and less of you! You're lucky that I'm a respected war hero, otherwise people will never talk to you and you would've been banned from every event long ago. That means no balls, no races, no parades, no restaurants, no nothing! Does that sound like something you want?"

"Father, please. We talked about this before also, and I know already. So please don't worry about me! I can handle myself and I know my way around people. Believe me, I know how my constant 'changing' of girlfriends may lead to something of a bad reputation, but surely you must understand that all these girls are just not... _ideal_." Jacques said honestly.

"Oh... I do know." Alphonse sighed. "You have no idea how long it took for me to find your mother... but that's beside the point now."

"Yes, well I know what you're going to say next father. I don't mean to be-"

"No, be silent and listen to me. I don't care how many times I have to tell you this, I will keep doing it until you get it into your stubborn head, boy! You shall continue your classes and training and stop this rogue-like lifestyle you indulge in. You're not a character in an elaborate novel, and no son of mine is going to be known as a womanizing bastard. And a thief... that's what I'm most disappointed in you in as you are already so very aware of."

"Yes..." Jacques muttered, thinking of the necklace he stole for nothing earlier. Then, both of them looked to the side to see Jacques' mother approach.

"The Fourniers forgive us for the damages and have agreed to not kick us out, dear. But they still ask us to pay for any damages our son has caused." She announced. "Also, they wish to speak with you..."

"Right... of course." Alphonse sighed, before turning back to his son. "I expect you to change, son. Change into a true man, otherwise you can expect an unpleasant future..."

His father left him outside after that, entering back into the hotel with his mother to speak with the Fourniers, that is the family that owns the hotel and also the family that Élise and Mathias are members of.

Young Jacques stood alone that night, leaning over the stone wall that separated the hotel from the drop into the river. A little distance away, he can see the Eiffel Tower in all its illuminated glory with huge French flags hanging down from the sides.

"Change? Humph... if only it were so easy..." He sighed to himself.

Remembering the necklace he stole, he reached into his pocket and retrieved it. It truly was a pretty little thing. The jewel shined like a miniature star in the brightness of the fireworks going off and the lights of the city. Then, he looked past the necklace and into his reflection at the water below. His appearance was rigged and rough. His suit had been ruined and ripped from the fight and his face had bruises and scratches across it. This was not how a young French gentleman should look, and he knew it. It wasn't like he wanted to get into a fight, but when it comes down to it, he was the one who instigated the fight to begin with. He couldn't help but think back about all those girls earlier, all those people in general who disliked him for how he was.

He also thought of his father, proud war hero of France and all that jazz. That wasn't to say he didn't respect his father's prestige, no, just earlier today at the Bastille Military Parade he cheered his father on as he marched with other Great War veterans to the praise of all his fellow countrymen that he protected all those years ago. His family was respected and rich, yet Jacques couldn't help but be the thief and ladykiller he was. There was no reason to be any of those things yet he does it anyway, and though it may feel good and exciting, it still fills him with self shame every time his father and really anyone else calls him out on it.

Jacques gave a long hard sigh to himself once more, closing his eyes as he thought about all these things. His eyes only opened when the Eiffel Tower suddenly lit up into a massive display of fireworks. Red, white, and blue colors arranged in the order of the French flag spewed from the proud monument, and he couldn't help but give a small smile at it. From behind him, the guests of the hotel filed outside to watch the grand display of fireworks. He didn't bother to look back at them though.

"One of these days..." Jacques said to himself as he watched the fireworks, putting the necklace away. "...one of these days I'll change." He promised to himself.

He didn't know when or where he'll change, only that he will, whether he likes it or not. For now, he decided to enjoy the impressive display of fireworks.


	11. MiR Past: Medic's First Love

**Though the official update with all the changes hasn't come out yet, this uses it. That's why Medic's surname is changed to his canon one. Also, this takes place before Medic was insane.**

 **"Fritz" is short for "Friedrich", which is the German equivalent of "Frederick". Does this mean we can call Medic "Fred" in English? :v**

 **The dialogue is in German but written in English for convenience, and random German included. Imagine everyone speaking in German accents when they actually are speaking German but are speaking in English because of convenience for the audience.**

* * *

 **Hamburg, Germany, 1935**

It was a pleasant spring day in northern Germany. A young Friedrich Ludwig walked along a street across from where his university was. He wore a light reddish, almost pink dress suit and matching fedora with his own large handbag for carrying university related work. Just standard attire for men at this time, dress suits that was.

He looked on at the cityscape around him and was genuinely impressed with how different Germany was from when he was a child. The streets were significantly cleaner, the people no longer as depressed and dreary, soldiers and officers of the currently rebuilding German army walked about while off duty, and there weren't any rival political parties killing each other in the streets anymore. Instead of all this general negativity, the people were hopeful and energetic, eager to restore Germany as a great power in Europe. It's all thanks to some guy named Hitler who became chancellor of Germany a couple years back, and the people looked great full and inspired under his leadership.

Friedrich supposed he wasn't that bad of a guy if he can turn the miserable nation of downtrodden losers known as Germany after The Great War into what it is now, but his parents still warned him about this man. Either way, Friedrich didn't exactly care that much. All he wanted to do was go to the Hamburg medical university and study the art of medicine, then maybe people in his hometown will see his family differently. If this Hitler guy made Germany into a better place during that time, then cool.

While he was excited on coming to Hamburg initially, that excitement soon went away when he realized one crucial problem. He didn't know anyone in Hamburg. Back in Stuttgart, he at least had his family and what little friends they had around him, but here in Hamburg? Everyone was a total stranger to him. The only thing that was really okay about being in Hamburg for him was that nobody knew his family's history of producing at least one mad scientist per generation, a tradition that appears to have been broken by him. Indeed, Friedrich was an only child, yet he showed no signs of being a future mad doctor. Usually the signs happen early, like with his uncle when he was five, but there was no desire to cut anything open with this strapping young German lad here. No, he just wanted to honestly become a professional doctor.

Soon, he decided to go into a park and just take a relaxing stroll around nature. The trees were all in full bloom since it was the spring season, and the cherry trees planted around the park gave a pleasant pink in addition to the vivid green. Families relaxed and enjoyed life in the park, soldiers took their off duty time to spend the day with their girlfriends, and children played.

In the month since he arrived from Stuttgart to Hamburg, he had been bombarded with so much work. They hadn't been kidding when they said the medical university in Hamburg was rigorous, but he did all his tasks dutifully. Still, it didn't matter how dutifully he was taking this schooling, his body was tiring when his mind isn't. This stroll was honestly the first break he had in that whole time.

The scenery was calming to his weary eyes, until he accidentally bumped into someone. He hadn't fallen down from the impact, but he was startled to see he just accidentally knocked down a young woman who appeared to be around his age. She had fallen on her rear, and there were papers flying about with books being dropped on the ground.

"Oh! My apologies, let me help you with that!" He said quickly, extending his hand for her to take.

"No no, I'm fine!" The woman said, ignoring his hand and scrambling for the papers scattered around them. Thinking that it was only the polite thing to do, Medic helped her out and picked up some papers. Soon, he realized that the woman wasn't picking up any papers and seemed to be more like carefully patting the ground for something. It did not take him long to figure out that she was looking for her glasses, mostly because he noticed a pair of spectacles lying nearby.

The young man was unaware that he was smiling as he watched the woman pat around the ground. Sighing, he set the papers he collected down and walked over to the pair of specs and wiped them clean with his handkerchief. It was the right and gentlemanly thing to do.

"Are these yours, miss?" He asked, holding the glasses for her to see. Her vision must've been worse than he thought, for she didn't see what he was holding at all.

"Huh? Where are you? Are you this big grey blob here?" She said, awkwardly patting his chest with her hands. Most definitely, this woman's must've been awful if she couldn't distinguish his grey suit from the rest of him.

"Here, allow me to help you with that…"

Chuckling to himself, Medic gently put the glasses on for her. He put them on slowly so that he didn't accidentally poke an eye out, and he could see the woman's blue eyes adjust to the sudden returning of her vision. In the seconds it took to for him to put the glasses on for her, he noticed how rather pretty she was. The woman had brown hair, blue eyes, was a little shorter than him, and had a face that he could only think of as angelic. She also wore a pleasant blue casual dress with a matching hat.

"Oh, thank you!" She said happily, adjusting her glasses herself before kneeling down to collect the rest of her papers. Since Friedrich was a nice old boy, he bent over and helped her with the rest of the scattered papers.

"I apologize for running into you." She said, not looking away from collecting papers. "I just came across something that I must absolutely must include in my research!"

"Research?" He asked, deciding to might as well start some polite small talk.

"Oh, it's nothing…" She responded. In her haste, she accidentally scattered her papers around again when she dropped the stack she had. "Ugh, no!" She despaired at her clumsiness. Medic sighed and merely kept on picking papers up. When he was doing so, one of the few books caught his eye with a title reading 'The Fundamentals of Human Physiology' by some French doctor who's name he can't pronounce.

"Huh? Are you studying to become a doctor too?" He asked politely, holding the paper up for her to see. When she saw it, she immediately got embarrassed and snatched it from his hands.

"N-no!" She flustered. "It's for my… my father!" Said she in a rush.

"Oh… so your father's a doctor." He said, but she didn't respond and merely went on to finish picking her papers up. "Here you are, miss." He said, offering the papers and couple of books for her to take.

"Thank you." She nodded, before walking past him at a fast pace, no longer running. Friedrich watched her as she left.

"What a pretty girl…" He said to himself. Once she was out of sight, he let out a sigh. This was a neat little moment that livened his entire month up a bit, but he knew that he'd have to get back to his studies soon."Maybe I should make some friends..." He said to no one in particular. Without even thinking about, his eyes wandered back toward where the woman ran off to. For a brief moment, he felt like he wanted to talk to her again. Friedrich shook his head and mentally slapped himself for this.

A girlfriend? Now of all times? He'd never really had an interest in love at all in the 18 years he has existed so far, but getting one now would only get in the way of his studies. All the things he would have to do for one, getting gifts, going on dates, meeting her parents, just all things that would take away from study time. Deciding to just forget this incident, he took a step forward...

...and nearly tripped. Looking down in slight confusion, he saw a black purse lying on the ground. Friedrich blinked once he saw the purse. Looks like the woman, who's not only in a rush but also a total klutz, had forgotten her purse when she ran from him. Naturally, the young man picked the purse up and once again looked in the direction the girl ran off in.

"Looks like I'll have to give this back to her..." He said to himself.

His first thought was to turn it in to the local police, but then out of nowhere he found himself looking in the purse. The man hadn't a single idea why he was looking through it, only that it just felt like the necessary course of action right now. Maybe he was looking for identification papers or something, yes, that's it. Something to identify who that woman was so he could return this to her. After rumbling through the purse, he didn't find any sort of identification papers. Strange considering those were needed virtually everywhere these days, but he did find a letter. The letter was to some man named Ernst Müller from a girl named Erika Zimmerman.

Unless she was delivering this letter for a friend, 'Erika' was mostly likely this girl's name. Strangely enough, there was a wide assortment of papers and magazines about science, specifically medical science, that one would never expect a woman to have. The material ranged from older publications by physicians to more current and modern studies of the inner workings of the Human body.

"Hmm... well then, Erika, seems like you're in need of a purse." Medic said, smiling subconsciously again. He can afford maybe another hour off. He didn't mind going off to find this girl and return her purse. So Medic started off in the direction he last saw her on this noble task, putting the purse in his own handbag.

The young university student honestly didn't know what he was expecting when the woman was nowhere to be found. Maybe he thought she'd still be in the area after the whole five minutes he'd last seen the running woman. He rounded a corner where some off duty soldiers were hanging around outside a tavern. As expected in Germany, there were people, soldiers and civilians alike, moving in and out of the tavern drunkenly or soon to be drunk. Even from outside, one could hear the tavern attendants singing classic drinking songs all out of tune.

"Looking for someone?" One of the Wehrmacht soldiers asked. Based on the badges and insignia he wore on his uniform, he was an oberschütze, the Wehrmacht equivalent of an American private first class.

"Uh, yes..." Medic answered quickly, taking a quick glance in the tavern and then around the area for any sign of this girl. "Have any of you seen a young woman in a blue dress run by here?"

"Did she wear a hat as well?" The soldier asked.

"Yes..." Medic nodded. "Have you seen her?"

"Well, a woman did run over and accidentally knocked Wagner down just a few minutes ago. She went off in that direction." The soldier pointed down the street towards where she supposed ran off to.

"Vielen Dank." Medic thankfully tipped his hat to the soldier who nodded in return.

Only a couple of steps of walking did he see her again. Down the street towards where the soldier pointed, the woman herself was walking in his direction. He could see her as if she were a bright light in the sea of people walking about the streets. She appeared to be looking for something, maybe rolling back over because she realized she lost her purse. The young university student stopped in his tracks when he saw her. He wasn't sure why though. All he wanted was to return the purse, right?

While he thought this over, the woman had spotted him and also frozen in her tracks, focused on him with an almost fearful looking expression. Friedrich did not let this go unnoticed, and he quickly came to his senses and waved to her with a smile, the purse in the waving hand. For whatever reason Erika ran, the complete opposite of what he expected her to do. He was so taken back by this unexpected behavior, that by instinct chased after her. Some consideration should've been taken over instinct first, as he ran straight into another soldier that stumbled out of the bar in a drunken stupor with his friends following in the same way.

"FICKFEHLER!" The soldier screamed before sending a sloppy punch over Medic's way.

Near instantly, Medic blinked and suddenly found himself dodging under the fist of the drunk soldier.

"I'm sorry, sir! I didn't mean to-OOF!" In the middle of Medic's apology, the soldier nailed him in the face and sent him in flat on his back to the ground. The young medical student was dazed, and he hazily looked over his chest to see the angry soldier screaming at him. What the soldier was saying couldn't be heard due to the ringing sensation Medic had in his ears after that punch, but through his stunned state he managed to remember what his current mission was.

With that in mind, Friedrich stood up and dusted himself off, adjusting his glasses for the punch had nearly knocked it off his face.

"Sir, I respect that you are a soldier for the Fatherland, but I must-"

"FICK DICH!" The drunken soldier threw another sloppy punch right at Medic.

His heart stopped, but somehow, his body naturally reacted and ducked under the punch. In return for the face punch earlier, Friedrich uppercutted the soldier so hard that he actually flew a couple of feet backward, knocked out instantly. In astonishment, the young German medical nerd held his fist out and stared at it in shock. His knuckles were stinging in pain, yet somehow, he felt this as something pleasant. He never really was much of a fighter, mostly because he stayed away from violence for most of his life.

There was little time to gawk at his feat though, for the soldier's squad-mates pounced on Medic like a pack of wolves on a lone stag. Medic let out a shout as the soldiers jumped him. Two of them grabbed him by the arms and held him up while the others mercilessly punched and kicked at his body. He tried to yell for them to stop, but the punches came at such an intensity that he wasn't able to speak.

"Hey! What in God's name are you doing, you bunch of idiots!?" Suddenly, the small group of soldiers that Medic spoke to just moments ago sprang onto the drunken ones attacking him, trying to get them off before they do something really stupid. The drunken group paid little mind to them though, as they were too angry and quite frankly were having too much fun beating up this random civilian, their severe drunkeness making them unable to think of the consequences when command finds out.

Medic had to do something fast. The friendly group of soldiers had gotten some of them off, but there was still a few laying into him. His arms were free now since the ones holding his arms were being held back, but movement was still hard because he was getting attacked from all angles. Worse yet, one of the soldiers had taken his glasses and was about to break it in half.

Suddenly, his mind went blank. All feelings of pain were nullified, and he slowly looked up into the angry faces of the drunk soldiers beating him. The wide eyes looked to each blur of a face, trying to make sense of them for Medic's vision was terrible without glasses. In a moment's notice a quick flash shined in his eyes at one of the blurs, his glasses in the sunlight. Out of nowhere, anger began to feel his body. He needed those glasses. How was he going to study without them? Also, perhaps more importantly, how was he going to find the girl?

Wait, the girl... every moment wasted here was just time wasted. He could lose her any second! Maybe he already lost her!

In a sudden burst of adrenaline, Friedrich's head shot forward and headbutted the soldier's chest right before he can break his glasses. It was so sudden and quick that the other angry drunk soldiers on him temporarily stopped because of surprise.

Not completely aware of how or why he was capable of doing it, Medic began savagely knocking the soldier's head side to side with every punch. He couldn't exactly make out a face because the soldier just appeared as a blur, but at least the contact of flesh on his knuckles told him he was hitting someone. The soldier had thrown up Medic's glasses when the future madman headbutted him to the ground, and conveniently, the glasses landed perfectly back on Medic's nose.

"Oh, that's neat." Medic said, not minding the swelling of his knuckles and the heavily bruised and unconscious soldier. Reality then came hitting hard, literally, as one of the other soldiers kicked him off his unconscious friend. Friedrich gasped and wheezed as the air had been knocked out of his lungs after that blow, and he laid on his back as they were closing in on him.

Tavern patrons and other people were still around, just not minding the whole drunk fight since these things are somewhat of a daily occurence. A lot of people even considered it entertainment. Some civilians and some of the more casual soldiers gathered around to watch the brawl happen, having a good drink and a laugh whenever a satisfying hit was laid. One such person was this civilian old man standing right behind Medic, cheering the fight on.

The whimpering German lad had backed up into this man's feet, and upon looking up to his cheering face, he had an idea. Friedrich stood up and got ready to take his attackers head on...

...except not really as he simply dodged a punch. Though, the punch _did_ hit something. The man with the bottle to be precise.

"You bastard!" The civilian man yelled.

Despite the fact that these were soldiers, let's remember that this was at a tavern where nearly everyone was drunk off their fucking minds. So naturally, the man took his bottle and smashed it against the soldier's helmet. Soon after, a huge clusterfuck of a brawl happened. A severe escalation of a mere gang-up on one guy by soldiers, but an escalation Medic appreciated as soon chaos erupted as in one way or another people and soldiers started hitting each other left and right, causing the said clusterfuck of a brawl.

Even though he was scared and his heart was racing from all the noise and violence, he somehow had a smile of victory on his face as he literally crawled out of the mass of fists and legs beating itself. It didn't take long for the police to arrive, but knowing the circumstances, they probably got caught up in the giant fight too. He did not stick around to see though, as Medic was stumbling his way down where he last saw the girl.

He did not know how much time he wasted on those guys, but one thing he did know was that this girl was nowhere in sight. She was long gone, but for whatever reason, he kept on walking down the street. There was no hope in finding her now, not in a city as big as Hamburg. He _could_ go to the police and have them take the purse back to her, but he did not have the will to do it. For reasons he still couldn't understand fully, he wanted to return the purse _in person_.

So this strange behavior continued until the Sun had disappeared under the buildings with only its light still shining orange in the sky. People were going into their homes for the evening while this ragged and beaten young man aimlessly wandered around for a girl he had little hope of seeing again. There was a strange feeling in his heart. It was something he usually felt only with his parents and family, the ones who weren't too deep into the mad scientist legacy that is.

Was he... actually, seriously, legitimately in _love_ with someone? Someone who wasn't a family member? That couldn't be right, his only interest these days was to become a great doctor. Maybe it's just because he needed to return the purse. He had no use for it, but how come he can't make himself go to the police station?

These thoughts weighed heavily on him, and he soon slumped against the side of a house and sat down, staring out into the sunset. He had walked _waaaaaaaaaaaaay_ farther than he thought, for now he was on the outskirts of the city where the singles houses were instead of apartments. It probably wasn't legal for him to be on someone else's property, but he just wanted to relax his legs now.

"Hello?" He heard the voice of an older man call to him from above. The lost Deutsch lad tilted his head up and saw the weathered face of a middle aged man look down at him from a window that Medic happened to be under. "What are you doing on my property?"

"Oh, my apologies sir. I just needed a break from walking all day. I am very tired." Medic explained, sounding quite tired. His ragged appearance and exhaustion from the brawl earlier only seemed to confirm how tired he was to the stranger whose property he's on.

"Is that so?" The man nodded in understanding. "Well, how would you like to come inside? I'll see you rested until you're ready to leave." Offered the man, to which Medic raised a brow.

"Um, no sir. Thank you for the offer, but I think I will just leave now." Medic said, standing up on his aching legs.

"Nonsense, my boy. Come inside, my family will be glad to have some guests over. It's been too long." The man said warmly, wanting Friedrich to accept his kind offer. "Go to the front door, I'll let you in."

Friedrich was going to object, but the man had already gone back through the window and closed it. Even though it was closed, he could faintly hear the man yelling to his family that they had a guest over. Sighing, he decided to take the man up on his offer and went to the front door as told. As he said he would, the man was waiting for him at the door. The man himself was middle aged as said before, balding brown hair, blue eyes, just a bit taller than Medic, had a somewhat big nose, and a little fat with a big but well groomed mustache on his lip.

Before he knew it, the man takes him in his home where he's greeted by a warm and cozy household. There was an antique hunting rifle over the burning fireplace, and the furniture was old but maintained well enough to still still be comfortable. There was no television as that was not an all too common household possession in the time period, especially not in Germany after The Great War, but there was a radio by the fireplace that was currently off at the moment.

"Come, sit and have a chat with us. My wife's just prepared dinner." The man said, politely pulling a chair out for Medic at one end of the table. The wife was a woman who was not much that different in age from her husband. She had a few wrinkles forming from her age, was about as tall as her husband, and she also had brown hair as well as blue eyes like her husband. The wife's eyes widened upon seeing the ragged young man enter her home. Clearly, she wasn't expecting their guest to look like he had gotten out of a big fight...

"My daughter should be coming down any minute now, but I'm sure she won't mind if we east before her." Said the husband. "Well, let's start with introductions then. It's only natural when a stranger is willingly let into one's house, yes?"

"It's not so natural though when you've let the stranger in less than three minutes from meeting him..." His wife grumbled, but otherwise was still polite.

"Ah, so what? Is it a crime to be kind to others?" The husband waved her off, and continued on with the young man in his home. "My name is Erik Zimmerman, and this is my beautiful wife, Agatha." The name of the man stood out to Medic so much as evident by the widening of his eyes. It sounded near identical to the name of the girl he was after, but it was the male form. Did he just stumble into her house by sheer luck? Who knows, the odds of finding some other family with the last name Zimmerman wasn't too unbelievable, maybe it was just a coincidence?

"Um... young man?" The wife asked in a somewhat worried tone, making Medic come back to reality. "He's been staring at nothingness for a whole two minutes... what kind of people are you bringing into our home, dear?"

"Ah, I'm sure it's nothing." The husband assured his wife. "So, now that you know our names, what is yours?"

"Friedrich Ludwig from Rottenburg, sir. I am a medical student at the university." Young Medic answered politely.

"Rottenburg an der Laaber?" The man asked.

"No sir."

"Rottenburg am Neckar?"

"No, Rottenburg ob der Tauber." Medic answered.

"Ah, I've visited there once. It's a very old town. Maybe older than the Kaiser himself." The husband joked to which nobody really laughed, save for polite smiles. "Right... now, where's that daughter of mine?"

"Coming now, father!" An awfully familiar voice called from upstairs. A voice that struck Medic right away for he soon saw that the odds and fortune had rolled into his favor, and the same girl who ran from him earlier came running downstairs to join her family for supper.

Erika was eager to come down to her family, but upon seeing who their guest was she froze in shock.

"Erika, this is Friedrich Ludwig. He will be our guest for the evening. Young man, this is my daughter, Erika. She's named after myself if you couldn't tell." The man said proudly, completely oblivious to the sudden and awkward tension in the house when the daughter saw him.

"...daddy? May I be excused from supper tonight?" Erika said quickly and in a plain but calm tone, eyes not blinking or looking away from the young man she ran from earlier.

"Why?" Asked her father.

"Because I do not want to be anywhere near that man..." Erika answered, resisting the urge to go back upstairs.

"Now, do not be so rude to our guest. He may be a little ragged, but he's proven himself to be quite nice so far. Stop worrying and come down here and sit with us. You're being rude to Mr. Ludwig here." Her father ordered her.

"But daddy! That man was following me! He followed me home!" Erika yelled in a panic, afraid of Medic. Friedrich tilted his head in confusion. What was she so worried about? Technically, he didn't exactly follow her home so much as stumbling into her home by fate, but his intentions anyway were to find her and simply giver her purse back.

"...what are you saying?" Her mother said slowly in a suspicious manner, eyeing Medic. His ragged appearance didn't exactly suggest he was a completely nice guy.

"He's a creep! I ran into him on my way home from Herr Kessler's house, and he wouldn't leave me alone! He even stole my purse." She kept yelling. Now her father was getting suspicious as well, casting a suddenly hostile glare towards the young stranger in his home.

The medical student already got into a really bad scrap earlier, and he didn't need another one, much less one inside the home of the very girl he was trying to help out here. So before things could escalate into bad to horrible, Medic retrieved the purse from his handbag and held it up for everyone to see.

"...which is exactly why I came here." He said in a calm manner, surprising everyone when he pulled the purse out. "Frau Erika, I have come here to return to you your purse. You've accidentally left it behind when you crashed into me." Medic explained. "Oh, and I swear on my soul that I did not take anything from it."

That being said, he calmly walked over to the girl who did take a step up the stairs once he neared. Still, he smiled politely and stood just close enough that he can hand it out to her without making her feel the need to step back again. Hesitantly, she did take it back. Noticeably, she seemed quite surprised that this really was what he wanted.

"There's your purse, now if you excuse me, I believe it is time for me to go. I have studies to get to." Friedrich said, putting his hat on and moving out the door. Taking one last look back at the family, mostly at Erika, he closed the door and stood at the front porch for a moment.

"Maybe this was all just a big waste of time after all..." He sighed, kinda sad that the girl thought so lowly of him for no reason. "Note to self, being nice to people is not always a good thing..." He said, walking off the porch and to the street where he intended on retracing his steps back to the university. The young man didn't actually paid that much attention to where he was going when he wandered around the city, but the one thing he was sure of was that if he found a torn up and filthy street with a tavern, he was on the right track.

So he walked about a full five meters away from the house, when Erika's yelling suddenly was heard through the night.

"Hey, wait!"

Looking back, Friedrich was surprised to see the girl running over to him. She was a clumsy person though, so she tripped and fell when she tried to slow herself down. Acting quickly, Medic lunged forward and caught her before she could seriously hurt herself. His heart jumped from the sudden action, but both he and Erika breathed a sigh of relief once she was okay.

"Frau Erika..." He tipped his hat with the one free arm, the other holding Erika before he let her stand herself. "Guten Abend... are you always in a rush?" He asked Erika, who was taking a moment to catch her breath.

"Well..." She breathed, still needing a moment. "Not really... yes." She admitted, a little embarrassed.

"Hmm, so what is it that you need?"

"Daddy... daddy said I should apologize to you." She answered, sounding a little guilty for her behavior to him. "So I am sorry for being so rude to you."

"Ah, don't worry about it." He assured her. "You were just in a rush and I was in the way."

"You're... not mad at me?" She said in a wonderous and somewhat confused tone to which Medic simply nodded his head. "Then why did you follow me?"

"Like I said, just to give you your purse back. Also, I didn't follow you so much as finding your home completely on coincidence..." He admitted, still not quite believing his luck with that. Erika seemed to have turned a slight shade of red in embarrassment after that, which did not go unnoticed by Medic. He thought it was kinda cute, but there was something that told him it was more than just guilt. "What other reason did you think I was following you?"

"I..." Was all she said before quieting herself. Medic didn't push it and let her decide if she wanted to answer or not. She seemed pretty torn on whether to tell him or not.

"...well, it's getting quite late." The young Medic said, looking at his wristwatch. "It's about time I return to the university. Good night Erika."

"Wait! Um, what was your name again? Friedrich! That's right, I... uh..." She hesitated, afraid to look him in the eye. "Thank you, for giving my purse back. Daddy says it's only fair if we let you have dinner with us as thanks. So... will you come back to my home and have dinner with us?"

Friedrich was pleasantly surprised by the offer. Not only was she apologizing, but they were willing to have him back? Well, he guessed it would technically be rude to deny the kindness of such a nice family, especially after their pretty daughter went through the trouble of running out here to intercept him. Plus, the Zimmermans were really the first people here to show him any real kindness outside of university. Maybe this family were the friends he needed here.

"I did miss supper..." He began. "Very well then. Looks like I'll be having dinner with your family tonight, Erika." He smiled. A little unexpectedly, she smiled back in her own shy way. "Shall I walk you home?" He held his hand out for her as it was only polite for a young man to behave in such a way to a woman.

"Yes, I would like that very much." She said, excepting his hand. All of a sudden, a tingling sensation went through his body when their hands touched. It started first from his fingers and worked its way to his whole body. It was something he couldn't describe other than pleasant, yet it made him feel a little uncomfortable. Still, he held on and led her back home.

That night, he had a nice dinner with the Zimmermans.

* * *

 **I'm back.**

 **I moved houses and had no internet for two weeks. So now I'm back on the scene. Going to college soon, but that shouldn't change too much.**

 **So this short here is all about Medic's first encounter with his one and only love in his life, before things went in a tragic direction three years from now. The beginning of the relationship that will turn him into the madman we know today.**

 **In one month, it'll be the one year anniversary of the story first coming out. Which means it's the perfect time to actually add those changes, so when the changes do come expect it to be on August 7. Basically, a reboot in a sense, I don't know but there'll be a huge update notice giving the full list of changes. Until that time the shorts will still be rolling out. I'm open to ideas but there's no guarantee that I'll remember it.**

 **Review Responses:**

 **rocketmce: I can definitely see it to, like, him just feeling the gap for her lack of a father while also being an awesome friend.**

 **The Mercenary Prime: I already have...**

 **buzzsaw935: Thanks, I'm still going to finish that with a happy ending. :)**

 **TheFrankcisco: I'm aware with how fucked the Phillipines is right now. Been that way for a while.**

 **Awesome Arod: Can do, alright!**

 **Gizmo Gear:... when? XD**

 **A fan: Awwww...**

 **Colt Cobra: I imagine he totally would, even if he probably doesn't know half the song lyrics.**

 **Blue050645TL: Ah don't worry, his eye and sword's gonna be fine!**

 **Madlice in Pyroland: YES, Ap-Sap is awesome, and I'll see about Penny and him meeting.**

 **kamenrider. geassr2: Talk to me over PM and we can see.**

 **A fan: For once, this was something I actually thought about making before and still am thinking about. Why are you speaking like I don't care?**

 **JanSolo: Don't worry, it is coming. Both the detailed list and shorts.**

 **Paradox Traveler: I have a sneaking suspicion I've seen this before.**

 **Cowmangler9000: You're welcome.**

 **Michamya: Noted m8.**

 **FalconHockey102: I know already, but it will be changed to what it really is.**

 **Jonathan: Don't worry about it.**

 **Guest: Well thank you, but for Pyro? _Shiiiiiiiiiiiit_ , Pyro's gonna go to town on someone...**


	12. MiR Fights: Spy Vs Cinder, Round 1

**There is no context to these fights other than the characters simply going at it. Lets just pretend that nobody in the Vytal Tournament cares about who's fighting and are just letting it happen, for this is just for fun's sake. Basically, Imagine it like a fighting game in arcade mode or some shit, kinda like One Minute Melee. I would've gone through the trouble of setting up a believable story behind the fights, but I just got lazy and also couldn't find a foreseeable way to make it work in any way.**

 **Idea by Gzilla54.**

 **May or may not contain characters from outside the story in some of them.**

 **Combatants:**

 **Fully upgraded Spy and with fully upgraded weapons, Saber nd Rapier allowed.**

 **Cinder before she fully absorbed the Fall Maiden's powers.**

 **Both of them have no idea of the other's abilities, but they do know each other from the story before Cinder's plan was initiated.**

* * *

 **Amity Coliseum**

The stage was set for this upcoming fight. An entire half of the stage was turned into a ruined urban setting, while the whole other half was made into a shallow water ocean setting similar to what Team SSSN fought in against Team NDGO in the show. The time of day is a couple hours after noon. Our two combatants start on the flat concrete center, facing each other.

"Ma chére Cinder, you look lovely this wonderful afternoon." Spy said with a gentlemanly smile, bringing his Revolver to bear. He straightened his tie out so that his appearance was immaculately fine. He took a puff from his cigarette and continued to show that gentlemanly smile.

"How kind of you. You look rather fine yourself..." Cinder said. Then, flames emitted from her eyes and she held fire in her hand. "It's a shame I'll have to crush you..."

"Naturally..." With that, Spy's smile was dropped for a look of animosity.

 **This ought to be a match to remember! FIGHT!**

Spy immediately opened up by fanning six shots from his Revolver at Cinder in rapid succession, as in even faster than it was already capable of shooting. The woman grinned, and held out a hand to effortlessly block the bullets. Seeing his weapon have no effect, Spy turned around and sprinted for the urban area. He continued to fire .357 rounds quickly from the upgraded Revolver as he ran, but Cinder's grin remained as she materialized two obsidian glass swords to block the bullets just as quickly as they were being fired. Her French opponent did not stop firing until he had to reload, and he chose not to keep firing as he just reached the urban ruins. Cinder shook her head in disapproval, absolutely confident that she'll win this with no trouble at all.

With this in mind, she sprinted after him. Maybe she'd play with him a bit, toy with him like the weakling he really was to her. The thought of this power over him made her feel great pleasure and satisfaction. In her mind, this was merely a preview to the powers she'll soon fully have. Her desire for power will be fulfilled, but utterly dominating this fool will suffice for now.

She entered the urban area to find he was nowhere in sight. This was expected as he obviously came here to hide like a bug running from a person, but Cinder fully intended on crushing him under her heel.

"I hope you realize you're not going to win." Cinder said, casually looking around her surroundings with no worries. No one answered her, but a grin remained on her face. "You can avoid the humiliation of defeat and join me. You can have anothing you've ever desired." For some reason, she expected someone to answer her, but she got nothing in return. It's all good to her though. This just meant she can have more fun hurting him.

From a shattered window of a nearby multi-storied building, Spy stealthily peeked out to watch the woman wander around. He watched carefully as her obsidian swords combined and morphed into a glass bow. "Humph. A neat trick..." He said softly to himself. Deciding to test her reaction time, he held out his Ambassador. Maybe the harder hitting power of the .50 caliber bullets will perform better than the regular Revolver.

He let one carefully aimed shot off right towards her head and ducked just enough for him to still see her. Immediately, the woman merely tilted her head to the side to dodge the bullet and let off a single arrow towards him. Spy had to duck completely to dodge the arrow for it was only an inch off from nailing him in the dome. Looking back out at the woman, he saw she was staring right at his location with a smug grin on her face. His position undeniably compromised, he was getting ready to leave stealthily when he heard a sort of whirring sound behind him. It was coming from Cinder's arrow, and the whirring sound was actually more like ethereal screaming before glowing hot glyphs appeared where the arrow was stuck in.

"Oh no-" That was all Spy was able to say before the arrow blew up, sending him screaming and flying right out of there. He hit the ground with a loud thud and skidded across the rough earth a bit before coming to a complete and painful stop. Grunting in pain, he opened his eyes and were greeted with two glass high heels right before his face.

"Hello." Cinder said, notching an arrow in her bow and winking at the Frenchman at her feet. "Do you feel like joining me now?" She teased, drawing the bow back and aiming right between his eyes.

"Only in your sick, wildest dreams." Spy said with a grin of his own.

Cinder seemed pleasantly pleased by his continued insistence on resisting her. Without a word, the woman raised one of her glass heels up and stomped down on Spy's head. However, her foot never connected with Spy's head as the French assassin quickly moved his head out of the and attempted to trip her. His attempt wasn't successful as the woman caught on to him and back flipped away, though what she hadn't expected was the sudden pain of .50 caliber rounds striking her mid-air. The rounds did not break through her powerful aura, but it still hurt somewhat.

Landing flawlessly, Cinder loosed the arrow she had already notched and aimed it for him. Spy dodged and continued to fire at her, this time for the head. His opponent cartwheeled away from the rounds and kept loosing some more arrows until she finally morphed her bow back into glass swords to use against him. The grin returning to her face, she closed the gap between them and barraged him with a flurry of slashes and slices. Instantly, he got out his saber and began using his Butterfly Knife as a parrying dagger.

Both combatants fought fiercely in this swordplay as Cinder's glass swords clashed with Spy's saber fencing style. Sparks flew off the blades everytime they connected. Cinder was legitimately surprised with how well he's standing against her in melee. She hadn't thought an insect would resist getting crushed so much, but she still had utmost confidence. It's about time she used a little more of her power here.

Breaking away from the fight, Cinder slid back and get Spy off guard with a blast of fire. He was hit directly and it made him land on his back. Clenching his teeth, he stood up and narrowly avoided getting his head chopped off if he hadn't raised his saber in time. The blades locked, and both fighters looked each other in the eyes. Cinder's was smugly confident while Spy's was full of hatred and determination. That agonizingly smug look on Cinder's face only got even smugger when she began forcing him to the ground with her superior strength, but Spy still held strong.

Cinder felt like this was where she had him, so you can only imagine the surprise on her face when Spy leg swept her and slashed her twice across her body. It wasn't too damaging to her though, and she countered right away with a stab towards his chest. Spy sidestepped the stab and socked her right in the face with the guard of the saber. This punch made her head fall back, and when her head righted itself, her smug face had been changed for an annoyed one of anger.

"How rude." With that, she uppercutted him with her right guard and managed a cut on his shoulder.

Spy drew back from the pain of the slash, and managed to counter with a roundhouse kick that knocked her glass sword out of her right hand. It was here that Spy pressed on with his attack and slashed at her, but the woman safely caught his blade under her arm. To his shock, she shattered his saber before his very eyes, and then she grabbed him by the neck.

"Enjoying yourself? I certainly am..." She said menacingly with a smile.

Then, she stabbed him in the abdomen. His damage resistance prevented it from going much further, but his liver and left kidney were damaged. She took so much joy in seeing the hatred in his eyes, how powerless he was to her. Then, a thought came to her mind. Without a word, she let dematerialized her blades, and a hand caressed the side of his face. Spy moved his head away as far as he possibly could from the hand, but it was all futile as the woman then gently removed his mask.

"Oh my..." Cinder was taken aback by the handsomeness of Spy's features, admiring him closely. "What a shame... I almost feel bad for what I'm going to do next." Her eyes then narrowed, and her grin turned vicious. " _Almost."_

With that being said, she materialized a sword and ran it straight through his body. To her slight disappointment, Spy seemed to die near instantly with just a death gasp, but she was otherwise satisfied. Well, not really. This evil womanly go of his dying body and kicked him with so much power as to send him flying towards the shallow water portion of the stage. From there, she walked with victory in her step across the concrete center platform, her heels the only thing making sound. Upon reaching the edge of the platform, she saw Spy had gotten lodged in a wrecked pirate ship.

With a wicked smile, she held an open palm toward him and spewed fire in a large column of flame right at him. His body soon disappeared as it was eaten up by flames, and so did the pirate ship he was stuck in. The ship soon collapsed on itself and the flaming timbers fell into the water. Such were the intensity of the heat of her flames, that water began to boil in massive quantities and steam rapidly covered the area like a hot and moist fog.

"And this all could have been avoided if you had simply joined me..." Cinder said with her arms crossed, a smile still on her face as she enjoyed the magnificient sight of the fire glowing through the fog. She always thought fire was rather beautiful.

Completely unaware, Cinder had no idea a certain Frenchman had just uncloaked after using his Dead Ringer to escape right when that sword was run through his body. He still had the stab wound in his abdomen, but that was beginning to slowly heal.

"Maybe staying to fight her in direct combat was a bad idea..." Spy said to himself. He couldn't see very clearly in the fog, but luckily he was looking at her from behind. In the short distance between them, he can very clearly see her outline against the fiery light shining through the fog. Speaking of fog, the steam that made up the fog had now completely covered the entire stage. Thinking to himself, Spy came up with a plan.

If he can't fight her in any way directly, then he'll just have to fight in his own terms.

* * *

 **Well, here's the first in a series of fights I'm going to do as shorts. I'm gonna finish this fight first before going out to do other first fights and/or other short stories.**

 **If you've any suggestions for a fight, just tell me and I'll see what I can do. That goes for any shirts as well.**

 **Review Responses:**

 **The Mercenary Prime: Well... damn. I don't even know what to say about that thought.**

 **buzzsaw935: Not quite there yet!**

 **Gizmo Gear: LOL**

 **Awesome Arod: "Super Nora!" The greatest being Remnant's ever known!**

 **Madlice in Pyroland: That is if he actually dies from kitten making!**

 **Blue050645TL: Dat pun though...**

 **TheFrankcisco: Clearly, you do not understand her greatness!**


	13. MiR Fights: Sniper VS Ruby

**Amity Coliseum**

It's time for another round of fights! For this match up we got Ruby Rose, leader of Team RWBY and huntress-in-training at the prestigious Beacon Academy, versus the Sniper, mercenary master marksman and tracker of the Australian Outback. The stage is set for a whole half being urban ruins, and the other being made entirely of loose forest. A fitting setting that should be even terrain for our combatants to fight in. Both are fully capable of using all of their equipment and abilities, except for Sniper who will remain with regular stats. Both fighters are not aiming to kill each other, and their weapons have been slightly changed to reflect this.

Our fighters stand in the platform at the center of the coliseum, waiting for the fight to begin.

"Are you ready for this Mr. Sniper?" Ruby asked, a cheery smile on her face as she was ready to begin at any moment.

"A good sniper's ready for anything, sheila." The man responded, chambering a round into his Sniper Rifle. "Ready when you are."

"Should we take like the first twenty seconds to get some distance first? You know, so I don't totally destroy you in five seconds." The girl said smugly, tilting her head confidently to the side while just as confidently crossing her arms.

"Sure. Just gives me extra time to teach you what it means to be a real sniper. I'd like a sniping challenge, it's been a while since I had one." He grinned. Ruby puffed at his remark, her competitive spirit rising.

 _ **FIGHT!**_

Just like Ruby said she would, the girl ran back toward the forest to give Sniper and her some breathing room. Sniper didn't really think that she was going to do it, but he ended up respecting their agreement as well and ran deep into the ruins.

"Humph! I'll show you I'm a real sniper..." Ruby muttered to herself as she ducked behind a tree. The promised twenty seconds hadn't passed yet so she was sure she could stick her head out and see if she can see where he was. No such luck there, the man had all but disappeared. Seeing he was nowhere in sight, Ruby counted the last five seconds down to herself quietly...

" _Five... four... three... two... one..._ " She counted, shifting Crescent Rose into it's compact rifle form once she made it to two. Upon finishing her countdown, a bullet suddenly splintered the side of the tree she was hiding behind, making her yelp in surprise. Apparently, her opponent was also counting down as well. Maybe peaking out while the countdown started wasn't such a good idea, as now Ruby's location was known to her opponent. She knew better than to peak out, that would just leave Sniper with an open target.

So thinking smartly, the girl decided to change cover. Using her semblance to give her a little boost of speed, she dashed out to a thicket of trees where she hoped she'd be too fast for Sniper to hit. Though she cringed when she heard the crack of a rifle and then the whizz of a bullet come her way, her plan worked as Sniper had missed his mark. Ducking behind a fallen log, she crouched and scanned the ruins for any sign of her adversary using her scope.

"Where are you- AHH!" She yelled as a bullet nearly hit her.

She dropped under the log to avoid further bullets, getting slowly frustrated with how Sniper was able to find her so easily. Might have been because she was wearing bright red in a forest of green and brown, but that's totally not the reason why Sniper found her. Deciding that trying her luck with looking over the log will end disastrously, she found a new opportunity in the form of the very log she was hiding behind. It was hollow and the side Ruby was on had it's bark broken away so that she could wiggle her way inside it. Wiggling inside it wasn't what she wanted to do though, for the log's hollowness meant that there was a free little peephole for Ruby to see through. Notw unless Sniper was literally God at long range combat, there's no way he can see her like this.

Flipping onto her back, Ruby detached the scope off of Crescent Rose, giving her poor weapon a kiss afterwards. "I'm sorry... mama will give it back, I promise..." She caressed her gun as if it were a baby before using the scope to look through the little peephole. The only disadvantage of this peephole was that it's field of view was limited, but it at least had a good view of the ruins with only a few trees blocking her view. The highest points of the ruins were the first places she scanned for the merc, but there was no luck there. Ruby kept looking and looking, until she saw a little glimmer in the window of a blown out apartment.

"There you are..." She smiled evilly. With confidence she reattached Crescent Rose's scope and prepared herself for what happens next. She knew that taking too long to get her sights on him will end in disaster, because though Ruby hated to admit it, Sniper was faster than her on the draw. What she needed to do next was get a quickscope off on him. It was the only way.

"Okay, okay... deep breath... one... two... THREE!" In a blur of red, she took aim and fired.

To her glee, the glimmer had disappeared when she hit it. To her surprise though, she got nailed in the head by a rubber bullet only a moment after the glimmer dropped. Her aura took considerable damage, but she was unharmed by the hit. It still caught her off guard though, and now she was getting frustrated. It looked like that glimmer actually wasn't Sniper, or maybe it was and they just both happened to hit each other. Deciding to try her luck, she peeked her head over the log again to see if he was stumbling out of a building in pain.

Well, no luck for her then as this time a freaking laser came at her. Instead of using his regular Sniper Rifle, her opponent had switched out for the Machina laser rifle which has the beam strength to pierce through multiple layers of hard metal on a full charge. For the purpose of this fight, Sniper toned the Machina's energy output to it's lowest setting, though a full beam was still enough to pierce right through Ruby's cover and strike her right in the chest.

The laser streak was instant and was a bright red in color. Due to it being a laser, there was no time for Ruby to dodge or even see it coming as it was too fast even for her to react to. Her chest began to hurt just a little bit, and she was thankful her aura still was able to hold the damage back. Clever Sniper, using his arsenal of special weapons against her and junk...

However, the Machina had a glaring weakness about it. The bright red laser it fires is visible for less than a second, but it still allows anyone to see what direction it came from. Ruby used this to her advantage and quickly aimed Crescent Rose towards the spot where the laser came from, a window of a ruined cafe. Wasting no time lest Sniper already scope her in, she let loose two rounds toward his direction.

She had no solid way of knowing she actually hit him, but another red laser shot from the same spot flew way over her head. Seeing the laser startled her, but it also gave her hope. If Sniper's shot was way off like that, then that means she at least almost hit him! Her confidence was now flying through the roof as she believed she can beat him at his own game.

Cockily, she took aim again with Crescent Rose...

...and immediately ducked down in panic when another laser was a mere millimeter away from hitting her head. And then another went through the log, and another pierced just above her head, and then more and more lasers started tearing the log apart as fast as Sniper can pull the bolt back. Ruby was screaming as she was getting terrified of the sudden barrage of lasers utterly destroying her cover, but she had enough sense to dash forward to the only solid cover around here, that being a boulder. She continued to scream as lasers got uncomfortably close to her body on her journey to the boulder, but she managed to make it with only getting hit once in the arm.

Now she was beginning to feel the hurt. Sniper's barrage of laser fire onto the log had seen a lot of them hit Ruby, and she can feel herself tiring down. Without really thinking about it, she blindfired Crescent Rose over the side of the boulder and toward his general direction, just hoping a shot would hit him.

She hated to admit it, but Sniper was too good for her. That man had faster reflexes when it came to aiming and shooting, as so painfully shown in the last two minutes. He was also pretty good at keeping himself hidden as well, only making it more difficult for him to fight against at range. The only reason she even found Sniper's location was because he switched to using a weapon that exposed his position in exchange for piercing cover, as she so painfully found out.

"Fine! You're the better sniper! Happy!?" She yelled from behind the boulder, getting a wicked cackling from her opponent as a response. He didn't say anything at all except for laughing at her for admitting she wasn't better than him, but how could she honestly expect to beat a man at his own game after he's been doing it for his whole life?

It didn't matter to her now, because the sniping game was over. If she couldn't beat him sniping, then she'll just have to use her speed against him.

"Alrighty then, this'll be a piece of cake!" She said to herself, confidence coming back to her as she prepared to dash out from the boulder.

Well aware that Sniper will have her butt if she moved too slowly, Ruby jumped over her cover and used her semblance to rush all the way towards the ruin. As expected, Sniper fired at her. She was too fast though, and by the time she made it to the boundary between the forest and the ruins, she shot herself upward using the recoil of Crescent Rose so that her gathered momentum will launch her straight at Sniper's hiding spot at lightning speeds. For good measure, she shot a few rounds at the ruined cafe to suppress him even if it slowed her down a little, but it mattered little as she crashed right through the broken window...

...and found no one there. It actually killed her excitement when she extended Crescent Rose into it's scythe form and didn't see any Australian for her to beat up. She was looking forward to handing him his butt in melee combat, but the problem now was where the actual Hell did he go? He wasn't in the cafe anymore, maybe he slipped out back behind cover?

Her question was answered when a normal round struck her right in the head, causing her to fall to the ground and clutching her poor head in pain. The pain was about as bad as getting hit with a tennis ball to the forehead, but now her aura was dangerously low. Never before in her life had she encountered someone who can do this much damage to her _without_ being in melee combat. Sniper's definitely as good as he claims to be...

Now Ruby wasn't having fun at all. She thought this fight was going to be a fun match between her and Sniper, but so far it's only been him utterly destroying her in ranged combat. She doesn't even know if she damaged him! Worse yet, she didn't dare peak her head out because he knew her location and will likely pop a bullet to her head again.

"Come on! This isn't fair!" She yelled in frustration.

"Nothing says anything's got to be fair!" Sniper yelled back, the first words he's spoken this entire round. "Tell you what, stick your pretty little face out and I'll end the match! How's that sound?"

"I think you're a meanie!" Ruby yelled back, getting even more frustrated with his taunting. Her yelling was received with laughter from him, and it made her furious.

Letting her anger get the best of her, she vaulted over her cover and fired the rest of the magazine in Crescent Rose towards where his voice was coming from. Much to her surprise, her bullets actually suppressed Sniper and made him miss his shot, just like how she messed his shot up earlier! Wasting no more time since another headshot could end badly for her, she used the her dwindling aura to boost her semblance so that she can close the distance between her and him in no time. This time, there was no escape for him.

The source of his voice and bullets was from a ruined two story building across a wide street, and she flew here to put an end to this unfair advantage of his. And with an evilly smug grin on her face, she had found her opponent. It was actually quite convenient too, as Sniper was just about to stick his gun back out the window when Ruby landed right in front of him with Crescent Rose already in striking position. The sudden look of fear in his face satisfied her so much.

"Hi!" She beamed with a smile, before that smile turned into a wicked grin and she used the back end of her scythe to smash Sniper into a wall. Though it was a mean thing to think of, hitting Sniper felt _sooooooooooo_ good after all the things he's done to her earlier. Ruby was actually surprised to see the auraless man get up from that blow. She'd expected someone like him to be knocked out instantly like those low aura grunts from the White Fang she fought before, but he's clearly tougher than those guys even without an aura.

"Augh! Nice seeing your darling face up close again.." Sniper grumbled as he picked himself up. In an instant, he dual wielded his SMG and Cleaner's Carbine. The Darwin's Danger Shield was already on his back. "YAAAAAGH!" Screamed he as he lit Ruby up with automatic fire. Ruby was forced to block the bullets using Crescent Rose since it was too tight in here for her to dodge as Sniper shot at her, the merc using this moment to slip into a door leading out into the hallway of the ruined building.

"Oh no you don't! You're not getting away that easily!" Ruby yelled after him.

Once he turned the corner and the automatic fire stopped, Ruby rushed into the doorway and immediately got clotheslined when she ran straight into the grip of Sniper's SMG when he struck her with it. The girl was dazed, confused as to what just happened while simultaneously learning that rounding a doorway where your enemy was waiting was probably not a good idea. Her daziness ended when her eyes focused on two gun barrels aimed down at her face.

"Looks like I win." The merc said, giving her a grin.

Ruby wasn't quite ready to accept defeat, and she ended up using the last bit of her aura to give her the speed to dash forward and trip him up. Her little gamble worked as Sniper ended up firing his guns wildly as he fell, and Ruby ran for her scythe.

"It ain't gonna be that easy, girly!" Sniper roared, grabbing Ruby's leg as he was picking himself up from the ground.

Ruby kicked off of him and launched herself forward to her scythe, gladly taking the weapon back in her hands as she faced her opponent again. Sniper cursed quietly to himself as he pointed the guns at her, only for the click of empty magazines to greet his ears. The huntress grinned at her luck and how angry Sniper got when his guns were out of bullets, but that grin went away when Sniper threw the guns right at her face. She dodged the Cleaner's Carbine but she failed to dodge the SMG, the gun striking her across the forehead.

"Owie... what was that for- HUH!?" Ruby gasped, for Sniper was now pointing a rather menacing sniper rifle at her. She didn't know what it was called, but it was a little something known as an AWP, or rather the AWPer Hand for TF2 players.

"Looks like I've got.. *chambers round*... the AWPer Hand."

*DYNAMIC PUN!*

Ruby braced herself to block the bullet, but it was too late. The immense power of the legendary AWP (despite functioning identically to the regular Sniper Rifle in-game for balance reasons) sent her crashing out a window and down into the street. She never thought a rifle that size could hold so much power behind it! The girl was still picking herself up off the ground when she looked above to see Sniper come screaming down at her with the Shahanshah raised to chop over her poor head. She gasped, but had enough sense in her to roll away from the attack before it hit her.

"Let's have a go, sheila!" He yelled as he ran at her with the scimitar.

Ruby was more in her element here as she was able to use her speed against him now that they were close enough to melee now. Her weakened state did present problems though as any hit from the man's blade would be really painful and potentially cause her to lose the match. For Sniper's part, he was no slouch when it came to fighting in melee either. Years of getting into scraps with the other mercenaries has taught him how to handle himself, and it surprised Ruby to see how he was able to dodge and deflect her attacks with just a simple sword. The girl's strategy here was to get a couple more hits in as that's all it'll take to put him down, at least that's what she was counting on.

Sniper was far tougher than the average person, but not even he can repeatedly take hits from a huntress like her. His true strength lay in ranged combat, as Ruby learned the hard way. His strategy up until this point was to either flat out defeat her just by sniping her into submission or weaken her enough as to where he can more easily finish her off up close. Obviously his plan had fallen into the latter since Ruby found him, and now he was trying desperately to hit the fast girl. Soon he was able to lock his blade against Ruby's scythe, forcing her to stay in one location as both combatants struggled to push the other away.

"Augh! You're strong for a little girl!" Sniper said through clenched teeth, looking Ruby straight in her silver eyes.

"Thanks!" Ruby managed to say back. "You're pretty strong for a guy with no aura!"

"Tell you what, how about we end this with a headshot contest? Huh?" Sniper suggested. "Moment we break away from each other, one of us has got to snipe the other to win. Sound fair to you?"

Ruby remained silent for a moment as she thought about it, the only noise she was making being her grunts to hold him back. If Ruby could headshot Sniper faster than he can to her, then she'll be considered a freaking God by all her friends!

"Deal!" The girl grinned.

"Alright, count of three. One... NOW!" Sniper screamed, doing the doctor thing where they claim to inject the needle at the count of three but just inject it in you as soon as they say the first number. It's a cheap move, but there were no rules establishing that he couldn't do it. The Australian kicked Ruby away and moved a couple steps back so he can have room to pull out the AWPer Hand, maybe a little overkill but a fitting way to end this match.

Ruby had been taken off guard by his sudden betrayal, but she immediately adapted to it. Letting the force of his kick roll her back, she shifted Crescent Rose into rifle form in the middle of her roll and prepared to take aim just as Sniper was doing the same...

 _ ***DOUBLE BANG***_

Two shots rang out through the coliseum, echoing through the forest and ruined city halfs of the arena.

Ruby had her eyes closed, as did Sniper. Both combatants slowly opened their eyes upon realizing that both of them had missed their shots...

...

...

"ROUND TWO, GO!" Sniper screamed as he took aim at her head.

 ** _*DOUBLE DOUBLE BANG BANG!*_**

Two shots rang out again, and this time one of them fell. Sniper screamed in agony as Ruby's concussive round made contact with the middle of his forehead, clutching the spot tightly as it hurt really bad.

Ruby couldn't believe her luck. She actually headshotted Sniper! The revelation was so shocking that she stood there in awe, slowly realizing that this was no dream caused by being headshotted first by the Australian marksman. Sniper's hat had been launched up into the air when his head kicked back from getting shot, and it was now drifting down in front of Ruby.

"I-I... did it..." She said softly. Then, a big smile formed on her cute little happy face. "I DID IT! I BEAT SNIPER! I HEADSHOT HIM!" She cheered to herself in victory, jumping up and down in excitement while performing a little victory dance of her own.

" _Augh... ah... lucky shot..._ " Sniper groaned in pain. He was now sitting up with one hand holding onto the bright swollen spot on his forehead. Despite his loss, he couldn't help but feel happy for Ruby on her victory. He did feel a little cheated as his shot _technically_ did hit Ruby by only barely grazing the side of her cheek to the point where it didn't do much at all, but she won fair and square. "Welp, you beat me kid. Nice job..."

Ruby cut her celebration short when she heard him congratulate her, can't help it but feel all warm inside that her professor and opponent was telling her she did a great job. She certainly felt like she did an excellent job because she just headshotted the master of headshots!

" _Awwwww... well thanks!_ " She blushed, feeling really proud of herself. Then, she remembered that Sniper's hat had fallen right in front of her. With a smile, she picked up the hat and placed it on top of her head. "Hehe, looks like I did a good job, mate!" She chuckled in her imitation of his Australian accent.

"Heh, that's cute." Sniper chuckled back, legitimately thinking it was adorable.

Ruby blushed again when he called her cute, but she couldn't help but keep on smiling. Sniper was just a really nice guy when it comes down to it, even if it's really frustrating and annoying to fight him in long range. Respectfully, she gave her professor his hat back with a nice smile and a just as pleasant victory hug.

"This was a fun match! Well, except for when you were shooting at me..." She said, still hugging him. Sniper seemed hesitant to hug her back, but seeing that the ultra friendly girl wasn't going to let go anytime soon he gave in and returned the hug.

"Ah, but what else were you expectin' from the best sniper around?" He said. "Almost had you too if you didn't get so lucky..."

Sniper and Ruby laughed together after that. Their fight's over, Sniper got beaten by a teenage girl, and Ruby can now brag to her friends on how she beat Sniper! It's gonna annoy Sniper down the line with her constantly bragging to everyone about her victory, but how could he be mad at someone so cute, friendly, and innocent like her? He's just gonna suck it up and let the girl have her victory, but he swears next time he'll win!


	14. MiR Fights: Heavy vs Coco

**Non-Canon**

 **Almost no context behind the fights, let's get into this.**

 **Coco Adel, leader of Team CFVY, a second year team at Beacon Academy. Her weapon is a powerful minigun. It can change into a purse for easy carry, but it also can be used as a devastating melee weapon for even though it is compact all the weight of the weapon is still contained within.**

 **Heavy Weapons Guy, the strongest class out of all the mercenaries with a wide assortment of miniguns, and is a monster in close combat. He gets no upgrades.**

 **Both combatants are not aiming to kill each other so their weapons have been appropriately changed to reflect this.**

* * *

 **Amity Coliseum**

The stage was set for the upcoming battle. A quarter of the stage was made into hilly terrain full of rocks, another a ruined urban area, and the other half was made into a dense forest with a river running through it. The hilly terrain has small valleys and dips along with its bumpy hills. The ruined urban setting's identical to in the show.

Our two fighters approach each other from opposite ends of the stage. Heavy approaching from the forest, and Coco from the hills.

"Ready for this?" Coco asked the large Russian man, her weapon still in its purse form.

"Heavy is always ready for battle." The Russian responded, his Minigun out but not revved yet.

"Alright..." The huntress unfolded her weapon to its active form, doing it in a way that was meant to intimidate. "...just try not to get my clothes dirty."

"I make no promises." He responded simply, giving her the friendly smile of a rival to which she kindly returned.

 ** _FIGHT!_**

Both combatants opened up on each other with their miniguns. Thousands of bullets a minute combined flew through the air as both combatants tore into each other with their high rate of fire miniguns. With that being said, hundreds of bullets also struck each fighter, but both held strong through the relentless exchange. Heavy found himself to be having the easier time since the mystery custom cartridge his Miniguns fires is far more powerful than the smaller, less powerful, dust cartridge used by Coco's weapon. This was something that the girl found to be a huge problem since her aura began draining rapidly as a result from the heavier hitting rounds. Heavy was holding fairly strong even though a lot of the bullets struck him, but he's faced so much worse pain than this and he's now moving forward, pushing Coco back.

The fire rate of both their miniguns was more or less the same, but that's only if Heavy's Miniguns didn't behave so strangely. Coco noticed that oddly enough, Heavy's minigun appeared to shoot 4 bullets at a time compared to her 1 bullet at a time. Normal miniguns, despite their multiple barrels and high fire rate, can only shoot 1 bullet at a time. This was no time to be wondering how anomalous his weapon was, for Coco was losing steadily in this contest of endurance and firepower here.

Deciding now was probably a good time to retreat, Coco rolled back while shifting her weapon back into its purse form so that she would have an easier time running away. Heavy saw the girl turn her back and he kept shooting in her direction, but he stopped once she was out of effective range so he didn't waste any ammo. With a confident grin the Russian followed after the much faster girl who had ran into the forest.

"You cannot hide!" Heavy yelled after her, to which he got no response from the girl since she already disappeared into the treeline.

While Heavy made his way over as fast as he could, Coco hid behind a tree and stopped to recover a bit. The fashionista was aching a bit from taking those heavy hitting rounds, but she had enough aura reserve left to heal her to full strength. Checking her purse to see how much bullets she had left in her minigun, she saw that her ammo belt was near depleted and was in need of a reload. Peeking behind the tree to make sure Heavy had not found her yet, she saw the man with his Minigun raised, scanning his surroundings for her. Seeing that she was clear to reload her weapon, she reached for the ammo belt that was on her...belt, and fed it into her purse.

Unlike Heavy who still had about maybe 125 rounds in reserve (technically 500 if you count how his minigun shoots 4 bulets at a time, somehow...), Coco did not carry nearly as much ammo. The belt that she always feeds into her minigun initially has 100 bullets, and the belt wrapped around her waist contains an additional 100. This means she only has 100 bullets, not including the few left on the other belt.

With a click that assured her that the belt was correctly placed into the purse and bullets will feed properly, she shifted her weapon back into minigun form. Taking a deep breath before she engaged Heavy again, she peeked over the side once more to see if she can get the drop on him. You can imagine how wide here eyes went when bullets riddled the tree she was behind. It turns out that Heavy had heard all the noise her minigun was making. He heard the click but wasn't sure initially, but then her weapon's noisy transformation betrayed her. With that, Coco is pinned behind the tree from the murderous fire while Heavy slowly moved forward. The girl desperately looked around for any options that didn't involve her taking unnecessary damage as her cover was beginning to chip away.

On the other side of the tree, the Russian kept pouring his fire onto her location. He knew that the tree was cutting away with every bullet, so he decided to keep shooting until the tree fell over. Eventually, the tree reached that point where it couldn't stand anymore and it began creaking slowly towards Heavy's direction until it totally snapped and started falling rapidly. It was no problem for Heavy though as he simply stepped out of the way of the falling tree and kept his minigun aimed at Coco...

...only to find she wasn't there. In momentary confusion, he stopped revving his Minigun and stared at the spot for a moment.

"Huh..." The Russian scratched his head. Then, a voice sounded off behind him, causing him to turn his head back in awe.

"Looking for someone?" Coco said cheekily, giving a just as cheeky smile with her minigun trained on him. Apparently, Coco had climbed up the tree and had used it falling to sneakily get behind Heavy. Her significantly smaller body was able to hide her climbing as Heavy cut the tree down with bullets.

The Russian man turned to face her with his own Minigun, but Coco had already opened fire the moment she saw him bring his gun to bear. The girl cheered to herself when a few lucky shots hit Heavy's hands, forcing him to drop his beloved weapon. Now that he was unarmed, she stopped shooting at him and held him at gunpoint.

"Looks like I win." She said smugly, tilting her head down enough so that her sunglasses slid down a bit to reveal her brown eyes giving a just as smug look.

Heavy hesitated a bit as he couldn't believe that this girl got the drop on him just like that, but he eventually stood up straight and nodded his head. Suddenly, the Russian man made his fingers into a pistol shape and pointed it at her. Coco tilted her head to the side and raised an unsure brow. A kind of smile that was cocky but intrigued creeped on her face.

"What? You're gonna shoot me with your imagina-"

"POW!"

An unseen force instantly struck Coco body, making her slide backwards as a result. Due to her aura, she held strong and looked back at Heavy with a combination of surprise and anger with this surprise attack. However, the only thing she saw coming at her was Heavy's fist as the man quickly closed the short gap between them and clocked her in the face. The punch was powerful enough to make Coco stumble back, but the girl recovered quickly and backflipped away before he can get any further hits in. Now that Heavy's too close for her to use the minigun, Coco shifted it back into a purse and got ready for close combat.

Puzzling enough, Coco saw Heavy eating a large and raw steak. She didn't know about the food item's effects and thought it was a little strange that he'd take the time to eat it in battle, but she otherwise waved it away as it just being a weird mercenary thing.

She stood straight with her purse held by the strap, facing the Russian man as she approached her. Coco's eyes tightened on him, no longer feeling amused by all this. Those eyes immediately opened up though when she realized her sunglasses were missing. Patting around her body for her precious sun specs, she gasped upon seeing that they were laying on the ground, broken after Heavy punched her in the face.

"Oh, you're gonna regret that..." She said in a low threatening growl.

"Then make Heavy." The Russian said, punching his fists together where Coco was surprised to see them glow with red electricity.

There was no time to think about what the glow could mean as Heavy came at her with a left jab. Coco ducked under it and threw her purse in an overhead swing that missed but she was able to pull back before Heavy could land a hit. Though she pulled back, Heavy quickly followed her and managed a critical hit right on her belly. She was taken aback so much by how powerful critical hits were, and the Russian knew this well. Heavy pushed the advantage of surprise and kept hitting punch after punch. Even when Coco was able to block the punches, a lot of the power of Heavy's fists still went through and ended up breaking most of the blocks. Coco could feel the fists drain her aura with every hit, and she was beginning to ache and feel sore from the loss of aura. Seeing that it was hopeless to counter-attack, she decided to pull away from him. Lucky for her, this was right where the effects of the Buffalo Steak Sandvich were wearing off, and how the red electricity on his fists disappeared did not go unnoticed by her.

Retreating back enough so that she had ample breathing room, she sidestepped another punch and managed to land a hard hit against his side. Heavy seemed to get the air knocked out of him after that, and Coco smiled as now a great opportunity to press her attack presented itself. Rushing forward with her purse before he could recover, she smashed him across the face with her purse, punched him in the gut, and kneed him in the chest. All of them did ample damage on Heavy, especially the purse strike, and the Russian was knocked to his back where Coco grew confident that she can keep attacking. So she moved forward to press her offensive, only to suddenly be blown back by a Shotgun shell directly on her belly.

Much like what she did to Heavy, the shell made her stumble back, and Heavy kept pumping shell after shell on her relentlessly until it ran empty. Coco found herself unable to fully block the shells due to the nature of pellet spread and how her purse is not ideal for blocking projectiles of any kind. With his Shotgun empty and not wanting to waste time reloading it, Heavy closed the gap between him and Coco and prepared to clobber her with his fists. This did not bode well for Coco since her aura was running low and she was sure she couldn't take much more of this.

Becoming desperate but still thinking smart, she let him come to her and then slipped underneath him where she successfully tripped him up. The trip was so good that it got Heavy to tumble forward a full 2 meters. This worked so much in her favor as Coco now had enough time to shift her purse back into a minigun. Hopefully, she can end this by spraying him down with what's left of her ammo and finishing him off in melee if need be. When Heavy recovered from his tumble, he saw what Coco was about to do and scrambled behind the fallen tree from earlier like a big bear.

Coco held her fire for she didn't want to waste what's left of her bullets on hitting nothing, but she also didn't want to get close to him as that's exactly what he wanted as far as she was aware. Thinking simply but wisely, she slowly stepped around the tree until he's a clear and big target. However, this plan proved unnecessary as Heavy soon revealed himself, just not in the way she really hoped for. The girl gasped in shock when the fallen tree suddenly lifted into the air and Heavy swung it at her like a giant bat. She tried to flip out of the way, but it came way too fast and she found herself flying far away until she slammed into another tree. Just for good measure, Heavy threw the entire tree towards her to get him extra time and perhaps extra damage as he picked up his own Minigun.

Back to Coco, she felt awful after that devastating hit. As in her body was hurting everywhere, especially from that extra impact with the tree she hit. Her beret was missing and her clothes were all dirty with dirt and leaves stuck in them. Her vision was blurry from pain, but she had just enough of it to make out her minigun to which she grabbed it. As her vision cleared up, she was able to notice just in time that Heavy had thrown a tree at her and her first reaction was to just duck and hope it didn't hit her. To her surprise and relief, the tree did miss her and instead crashed harmlessly to the side. Shakily standing to her feet and rubbing her sore neck, her blurry eyes looked around for her Russian opponent.

A loud roar of a battle cry was heard, and she quickly turned to face the source. Coming at her as fast as he could go, Heavy rushed over to her location though his Minigun was not lowered. Since she was too shaken up to move quickly, Coco simply lowered her weapon and let loose with all of her ammo towards his general direction. Heavy kept running even though bullet after bullet repeatedly struck him, though he could feel himself slow down from a combination of bullet knockback and damage accumulation. Still, Coco ran out of ammo, and Heavy was free to finish her off.

Crying out even louder in his battle roar, the Russian jammed the barrel of his Minigun against Coco's belly and pinned her against a tree.

"Do not take this personally." He muttered out to her as his blue eyes met her fearful brown ones.

With those last words, he spun the Minigun's barrel to where it made Coco spin around in place to since she was pinned by it. Then Heavy fired the gun until it ran empty, and it was utterly devastating. The force of all these bullets pushing Coco forward into the tree combining with how fast she was spinning made her blast straight through the tree after a moment of firing.

A smile appeared on Heavy's face as victory was definitely his. Coco's scream as she flew away confirmed his ultimate win. However, a bit of karma struck when the tree he just blasted threw fell forward and right on top of him. It hurt a lot, but Heavy was otherwise okay and threw the tree off of him. His body hurt and ached from the damage Coco's done to him, but he was still happy with his victory.

" _Owwwww..._ " He heard someone moan in pain from nearby, and he turned to see Coco stuck in a cluster of broken trees that she smashed into. Smiling to himself and for her because of a good fight, Heavy bent down and picked her broken sunglasses up before making his way over to her. Once he reached her, he handed her sunglasses to the pained girl. " _Thanks..._ " Was all she managed to say in her hurt condition. Shakily, she put them back on, either not remembering that they were broken or not caring at all.

"Humph..." Heavy scoffed in a friendly manner. The Russian man reached in his bottomless personal inventory and pulled out a Sandvich. He split the half of sandwich in half and handed one side to her. A bit hesitant only because her wounded state made her sluggish, she took the half and held it in place for she didn't know what he wanted him to do with it.

"You fight well." Heavy congratulated her before eating the Sandvich. Before her very eyes, most of Heavy's wounds seemed to disappear. Even his damaged clothes seemed to fix themselves somehow... "Eat. Sandvich make you strong!"

Giving him a puzzled look through her pained face, she eventually ate the half she was given. Magically, she felt _sooooooooooo_ much better. Granted she wasn't completely healed because it was only half a Sandvich, but at least she didn't feel as awful as before. Also, much to her delight, her clothing set itself clean and her sunglasses were no longer broken. While she was marveling at this, Heavy extended a hand toward her. For a moment she sat there and thought about it, then she nodded a bit and gladly took his hand to where he lifted her up to her feet.

"Thanks for the help." She said. "You're not too bad yourself."

Laughing heartily to himself, Heavy gave the girl a friendly slap on the back, and although she stumbled forward a bit from it, she otherwise started laughing with him.

 _ **Winner: Heavy Weapons Guy!**_

* * *

 **And there it is. Heavy won.**

 **Next work will be a continuation of Insanity with Nora's reign. Prepare for mind breakage.**

 **Review Responses:**

 **Madlice in Pyroland: Maybe I'll do it someday since it sounds like an interesting idea.**

 **TheFrankcisco: Indeed!**

 **an geoust: It'll be coming, no worrying.**

 **buzzsaw935: Hush, I got you.**

 **Awesome Arod: Hard to say...**

 **Blue050645TL: I don't get it. :P**

 **Michamya: You gay.**

 **The Mercenary Prime: (French laughing)**

 **Mr. Grenn37: Thanks!**

 **gladeo25: *lenny face***

 **Dr. Medic: Hopefully, Gaben will also release new games.**

 **Guest: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooohh...**


	15. MiR Past: Soldier's Life Part 1

**Canon Side Story**

 **Soldier and his path to defending freedom.**

* * *

 **1927, Ohio**

"Now, I'm sure you're aware of what I've called you in for, Mr. Doe..."

"I think I've a good idea. Yes." Howard Doe answered lazily, clearly not interested and wishing he was back on his farm. He casted a glance over to his grandson, John Doe, who was sitting next to him with his head down. The young boy of six years was bruised and beaten as his grandfather spoke with the principal of the school he was attending.

"Then you already know that young Johnny here's been a nuisance and all around troublemaker. This is the third time this week _alone_ that he's attacked another student." The principal said in a tone that did not match how serious this was. He spoke more like this was a mundane thing like it's happened a lot before, and it indeed has.

"Eh..." Howard shrugged. "He's been doing that since school started a month ago. That's all you got to tell me?"

"Well, no..." The man sighed. "Mr. Doe, I understand you have a reputation of disregard for the law and ruggedness..." He paused a bit and looked at the Colt M1911 on the older man's hip. Weapons of any kind were not allowed on school grounds. "...but you must know that your life choices affect those around you. Which of course, I am talking about your grandson."

"I think he's a good kid." Howard said, still not interested in the slightest.

"That may be so, but whatever you think is 'good' is seen as bad here. Johnny's gotten himself into a grand total of 79 separate fights since school has began. That must be a record for a Kindergartner, maybe even for any student in the country for that matter." He waited for Howard to say something, but the man remained in that disinterested state and said nothing.

Earlier, the principal had casually said what Soldier's done like it was nothing more serious than a kid falling over their shoelaces, but now he shifted a bit into uncomfortableness. Just afraid of how Howard will react to what he's about to say next.

"Mr. Doe, I am sorry to say this, but John is expelled from this school." The man managed to say without his voice cracking from fear. He watched as Howard's head turned to his grandson and they both looked at each other in the eyes. Against his expectations, both of them smiled softly.

"Alright then!" Howard said cheerfully. "Looks like we're done here, Mr. Principal. Whatever your name is..." Howard stood up and motioned for his bruised grandson to get up and follow him.

"That would be Mr. Nichol-"

"Goodbye!" Howard cut him off as he opened the door and went out.

John paused at the door and looked back at his now former princiapl. The boy gave him a salute with his hand shaped into an 'L', the Loser's Salute. With that, the boy ran to catch up with his grandad who was already waiting at the truck. Upon getting into the truck, there was a short moment of silence before he and his grandad burst out into laughter.

"Looks like school's out early for you, son!" Laughed Howard.

"I know!" Laughed John.

"Yep! Everything went just as planned..." The elder man said as he pulled out into the road. "First you get into a bunch of scraps at school..."

"Then I get kicked out!" John finished with a big smile. "But why did it take so long?"

"Ah, that's just because people around here are afraid of me. That spineless son of a bitch back there must've thought I'd beat him up if he told me you were getting expelled, but boy was he wrong!" The elder Doe smiled at this good fortune. Now he has all the time in the world to teach John how to really be an American without achool telling him lies and wasting his time!

Deciding that this joyous occasion ought to be celebrated, Howard pulled up to a drug store where he aimed to buy some Coca-Cola bottles to drink on the way home. However, upon reaching the local drug store, the man found there was a robbery in progress. Three robbers held the chashier at gunpoint while townsfolk ran for safety when the robber fired into the air to get people's attention, but Howard shrugged and casually strolled up to the store with his grandson.

"What's going on?" The six year old asked as he didn't understand what these armed men were doing in his young age.

"Ah, don't worry about it. Just some fellas robbing a store." Howard answered calmly. "That means they're taking stuff that ain't there's."

"That sounds mean."

"Yes, it is mean. Don't worry about it, I'll handle this."

When the two entered the store, they were not noticed by the highly inexperienced robbers who were entirely focused on getting the money from the cash register. All of the robbers were screaming incromprehensibly in unison and waving their guns in the chashier face.

"Can we get candy?" John asked over the yelling of the robbers which sort of annoyed him.

"Sure. Take your pick." Howard answered, not looking away from a whiskey bottle he was inspecting. So the two finished up getting the things they wanted and approached the counter where the robbers were. Currently, the robbers were still screaming for the cashier to open the register up, but the poor man was so scared that his shaky finger constantly missed the button to open the register.

"Alright, son, stand back and watch your grandpappy deal with 'em." Howard told John, who seemed to hesitate as he wanted to help. Ultimately, he obeyed him and stood back as asked. So Howard went right behind the robbers with the items he wanted to buy and waited a bit as if there was a line. "Hey, do you fellas mind hurrying it up? My grandson and I are waiting on you to finish." He said. All the robbers and even the cashier looked back, and their balls dropped altogether at the same time.

"Oh God, it's Mad Howard!" One of the robbers panicked, actually dropping his shotgun in fear. The other robbers did the same, but they were armed with revolvers as that was all they could've scrounged up.

"The Hell you doing, you idiot!? Pick the damn gun up and point it at the bastard!" One of the others said before turning to Howard. "I don't care how dangerous he is, we're the ones with the guns on him..."

Howard rolled his eyes and his hand slowly went down to his holster. Seeing this, the robbers got closer to him with the one using the shotgun shoving it against his face.

"You're not gonna win this time around, Howard. Now why don't you drop your gun and give us your money?"

"Why? I like my gun though..." Howard's response was rewarded with him literally staring down the barrel of the shotgun. The man holding it was still very scared, mind you, but he had enough courage to keep it steady enough that it will blow Howard's head off when fired. Sighing, Howard held his hands up slowly. "I'm getting too old for your shit, boys. It's either you give up now, or I'm gonna have to hurt you real badly."

The robbers didn't say a thing, but they kept their weapons on him. Especially the man with the shotgun against Howard's weathered face, who again is still scared but his courage has picked up a bunch.

"Well... looks like you've made your choice." Howard sighed.

With that being said, everything else happened in a flash o action. The near century old man ducked underneath the shotgun against his face and immediately tackled the man with said shotgun. This startled the robbers so badly that they all prematurely fired their guns in fright, hitting nothing except for some of the things for sale in the store. The cashier screamed and hid underneath the counter while Howard was whooping the shit out of the robbers with the fury of America. Like, this man took his belt off and was beating these grown men with it like they were children.

Their guns proved to be of little use since Howard ended up knocking their weapons out of their hands. Now Howard was doing that thing where parents would say one word every time they hit someone.

"DON'T ***SMACK*** EVER ***SMACK*** ROB ***SMACK*** STORES ***SMACK*** EVER ***SMACK*** AGAIN! ***ULTRA HARD SMACK!*** " He screamed with fury as he finished whooping their asses. Let's just say the robbers were worse than dead at the moment as they were unable to do nothing more but squirm and moan in agony from that righteous whooping. Howard simply shook his head in disapproval as he put his belt back on.

"I told you boys to surrender, now look at what you made me do to you..." Howard said.

Still shaking his head at them, he looked down and picked up the shotgun that was previously held at his face. It was a model of Winchester shotgun that he wasn't quite familiar with, and he got annoyed upon inspecting it. Just curious, he picked up the two revolvers that the other robbers had and was just as disappointed.

"Bastards don't even have the sense to load your guns with bullets..." He sighed, tossing the guns over to John who had been watching silently the whole time. "Come on over, Johhny. Put your things here and I'll buy 'em for you."

The cashier, who'd been hiding for the duration of that horribly one sided 'fight' if you can even call it that, was suddenly alerted by the ringing of the counter bell that some customers were ready to buy. He nervously peeked his head up, and saw that Howard laid out the men robbing him. Now 'Mad Howard' was waiting to get his things bought.

"I'll take this whiskey here and the kid'll have the candy and soda pop."

* * *

 **Later, Doe Family Farm**

Now that school's out practically forever, Howard was gonna begin teaching Soldier how to be a real American. John may have been only six years old, but that's no excuse to not teach him the value of violence. For violence is how you protect freedom should things go from bad to horrible on the diplomatic scale. Which is exactly why Howard's fashioning multiple dummies made out of straw and cloth. Whistling as he did his work, he set the dummies out and about the shooting range he built out back.

"Alright, boy, see those dummies over there? I want you to shoot 'em, but only the bad guys." He said as he sat down on a bench, taking his whiskey in hand as well.

"Which ones are the bad guys though?" The child asked.

"You'll know when you see them." Howard said. "Now pick a gun and get to shooting whenever you're ready."

Nodding, John eagerly went over to a table that was filled to the brim with all sorts of guns. Everything from lever-actions, revolvers, pistols, early SMGs, bolt-actions, and even muskets were on the table. Keep in mind that a lot of these guns are vintage as well. Having a horribly hard time choosing a gun, the boy decided on getting the biggest gun as he didn't know any better. The gun he chose was a huge double barreled Elephant Gun that Howard acquired after murdering the fuck out of its former corrupt owner.

Howard didn't say a thing when his grandson chose the biggest gun there, just silently waiting for the boy to find out the hard way that the gun is just not his size. So John went up to the range, leveled the gun on target as much as he could, and fired. The massive recoil of the gun sent the child flying straight backwards through the air until he crashed inside the house, making Howard laugh wildly at his grandson's expense.

"D-damn it, son..." He said as his laughter lowered, John just wheezing in pain. Howard walked up to him and helped him to his feet firmly. "Alright, now get up and choose another gun."

His body aching, the child obediently got up and was still just as eager. Making a much more sensible choice this time around, he chose a bolt-action rifle. A bolt-action rifle that his grandad knocked out of his hands.

"The Hell are you doing, son? Don't choose the Krag–Jørgensen! Danes can't make guns worth a damn..." Howard sighed, thinking back about how the gun got him outclassed back when he invaded Spanish-held Cuba with the Rough Riders. Muttering to himself, he decided his grandson did not have a natural sense of guns like he did and chose a weapon for him. "Here, something easy. Take this Remington..." He passed the child a Remington Model 1858 Revolver.

It was quite large for a revolver as it was chambered in .44 Percussion, but John dutifully held the gun up with pride. So he stepped up to the range and took aim for the nearest straw dummy, which was in the shape of a corrupt fat politician. The results were sort of the same as with the Elephant Gun. He fired the large pistol whose recoil made the gun slam into his face, but at least he decapitated the politician dummy.

"Yeah...maybe we should train with guns when you're older." Howard rubbed his head as he watched his grandson sprawled across the floor, clutching his face in pain with blood running down his nose. "Huh, guess we'll start with hand to hand combat then...

* * *

"Alright John, I want you to hit this dummy as hard as you can." Howard said as he patted a dummy's head. The dummy was made to look like a British Revolutionary War era redcoat. "Give him a good punch to the kisser. As hard as you can, go on."

With a lot of eagerness and hype, John jumped right onto the dummy and began laying into it with his tiny fists. The six year old had a lot of ferocity to him, but he was still six years old and it looked pathetically cute to watch him attack the redcoat dummy. Howard smiled at his grandson's eagerness, but decided he just needed to assert himself some more.

"This fella hates America." He said.

Immediately, this got John into a rage. Where before he was innocently eager, now he was extremely pissed. Out of nowhere, he gained the strength of a grown man and started punching the dummy so hard that his grandad actually struggled a bit to keep it up.

"That's it! Keep hitting him!" Howard urged John on.

He was pleasantly surprised to see the child rip the dummy's straw arms off and proceed to beat it with its own arms. Howard stepped back and let the dummy and his grandson fall to the ground, still beating it savagely. John did not stop until he successfully ripped its straw guts out with his bare hands, giving a childish battle cry at the end.

"Nice work." Howard smiled at his grandson, much to the boy's delight. "I hate America."

...

"What're you gonna do about it-oh!"

Like lightning, John exploded forward and leaped onto his grandad like a little Mountain Lion, smashing his little fists into the older man's head. Deciding to go easy on his grandson, Howard simply grabbed him by the face and threw him down to the ground before giving him a nice kick to the gut. You know, just easy mode. Seems like easy mode was too much for John and the boy remained on the ground in agonizing pain. Howard scratched his head as it seemed like his boy was too young for this too.

"Damn... looks like I'll have to wait for you to get older to teach you the fun parts." He said with his grandson nodding slowly in painful agreement. "Heh, when I was your age, I'd already killed my second man. Don't worry about it too much though. There ain't as many bad folks around these days as there used to be..."

* * *

 **Later, That Night**

So the rest of the day's so called 'training' went by just as poorly. No matter what Howard tried to teach John, the boy was just too young to do anything. He couldn't fight animals, he couldn't climb trees, he couldn't climb mountains, he couldn't even fish! It was eventually decided by the old man that he'd have to wait for John to be at least ten years old as that was a more reasonable age, at least to him, and teach him the basics of what being an American means first before going on to violence. Probably should have started with that from the beginning...

So John was tucked into his bed by his grandad who treated him to some of the Coca-Cola they bought earlier before they went to bed. The both of them sat in the boy's room, drinking that soda as John was explaining freedom and democracy. Beforehand, John had a very loose understanding of what these things were, (if he understood them at all) and just assumed that it meant fighting bad guys.

"Freedom is the God given gift to all people in the world. God has granted every person with the ability to act and think for themselves so that they can live happily, but not everyone in the world sees it that way. I know you're just a kid, but the world's not all full of happy and nice people, John."

"Like those men robbing the store?"

"Eh, sort of. Those fellas must've been down on their luck and settled on robbing that place for some extra cash. That's why I whooped them instead of killing them." Howard said as he thought back to the event earlier.

"But anyways, there's people out there who take God's gift and use it for all the wrong things. These people got their hearts, their souls corrupted by the evil planted into the world by the Devil, and all they wish for is to make their own lives easy while others suffer for it. There's a lot of good people in the world, but what happens a lot of times is that the bad ones end up being the powerful ones like politicians and lords. The Devil whispering into their ears to use God's gift for evil..."

John listened on fearfully. This talk of evil scaring his young mind. Howard knew this, but the boy must understand this. The sooner he knows what the darkness is, the less it will affect him when he meets it for the first time.

"Making good people into slaves because you're too goddamn lazy to pay workers, killing off thousands of people you don't like, name the most horrible thing you can think of and it has happened. Only several times more worse. God wanted Man to be free so that he could live in bliss on his green Earth, but evil rolled in and screwed everything up. But that's no excuse to not protect freedom though, no. For that's the only thing that separates us from the tyrants and Communists that the Devil created to spread evil. People who are under their control are miserable with only the highest ones living easy, but here in the free world, we all have a chance to be happy. Do you understand?"

John nodded, and said nothing as he waited for his grandfather to continue.

"Good. Now time to explain what democracy is. Well, democracy is the opposite of tyranny and Communism, for the most part. It's where the people can all come together and make decisions based on what they think is best. That way not one person can have enough power to abuse it as much as those Devil's puppets. At least that's how it should work, but thankfully the United States has the best system in the world. Ain't no Devil gonna rule this place as long as the people are in power. That's the beauty of it. In a democracy, if anyone's fucking up and trying to do something bad, the people can step in at any time and stop them. Thankfully, there hasn't been a lot of times where that happened, but every now and then you find people talking with the Devil and you can't help but to roll in and whoop their ass. You know I do... I've been doing it for the last, almost 100 years."

Howard took a moment to stop talking after that. He knew he wasn't completely right about the whole democracy thing, but the one thing he was completely right about was that bad guys needed to have their shit wrecked.

"Look, if there's anything a young boy like you can take from this, just know that it's your duty to fight all evil. Doing that means you give the Devil a slap in the face each and every time, and God will smile on you. And if you keep doing this until you die, then you get to go to American Heaven!"

"What's American Heaven?" Asked the child with sudden interest.

"It's like normal Heaven but for good Americans! Every single great American in history goes there after they die, and if you've lived your life as an American good enough, you get to join them!"

"Wowie!" Little John gasped in excitement with stars in his eyes. He then made a move for his grandad's pistol with the same childish eagerness that he's had all day."I want to die now-!"

" _Noooooooooooo_ , no you don't." Howard promptly and gently smacked this crazy kid's hand away and sat his ass back in bed. "Boy, what you were about to do just now is a sin. It's a little thing called suicide, and that's something the Devil wants you to do so his job in destroying the world gets easier. You don't want to make the Devil's life easy, do you?"

"No!" John said right away, scared that he was about to help the bad guys win.

"That's a good boy. So to sum up all I've said, being a good American and a good person in general means respecting people's freedom and defending it. Democracy's just the best way to rule people with freedom to protect their freedom. Now, I don't expect you to remember this now since you're so young and I'm so old I probably don't know what I'm talking about, but don't worry. You'll have me around for a long while to keep teaching you."

"I'm ready to protect freedom, granddaddy!" John proudly declared from his bed.

"No you're not. Not until you've grown up."

"Then I'll get older! Like you!"

"That's the spirit. Now, go to sleep. It's time for this little fighter to get some rest."

"I don't feel like sleeping though!" The child whined. "Can I play with the guns some more? Maybe even bash those stupid dummies!" Suggested he full of energy. Howard glanced down to his feet and saw that the kid had drank all of the soda pop he bought earlier. Internally, he sighed and stood up. Then he knocked his grandson the fuck out with a quick punch to the face.

"Good night, John." The loving grandfather said over his shoulder to the unconscious child.

He was at the door, and he took one last look at his grandson before shutting the door. The child who will become the Soldier someday in the future was a beautiful little boy. If you don't mind the black eye he was just given and the bruises he had from fighting earlier, he was a fair-skinned Caucasian boy with light brown hair and bluish eyes. He looked so much like him when he was his age all the way back in 1836.

The old man went into his bedroom and laid down on his bed. His room was adorned with all sorts of trophies and stuff he's gotten over the years. Over there was a M1916 Stahlhelm with a bullet hole through it, a trophy from when he slaughtered the fuck out of a German trench in World War 1. A whip he used to beat its owner to death after he burned a plantation down in 1863. A Filipino Sibat he was given as a gift from Filipino tribesmen after he successfully defeated an American platoon sent to wipe the tribe out under suspicion of holding rebels when they were innocent.

Yes, this man had a lot of these trophies over his 97 years of existence. How many men has he killed in this long lifetime of his? Five hundred? One thousand? Maybe upwards of five thousand men? Who knows, but the one thing that Howard was sure about was that he's wasted his whole life defending freedom. Nearly one century of life and he only chose to marry and settle down in 1900 after already spending the last seventy years between then and 1830 fighting for what's right. Was it even worth it? This life of defending freedom? Had he even done anything worthwhile doing this?

Well, he already knew the answer to that one. The answer was always there to remind him, and that answer was his family. Besides his piece of shit son, his late wife and grandson are definitive proof that it was all worth it. That, and all of the people he's saved and touched with his will to protect their freedom. He remembered all of them no matter where he traveled and how long it's been. Every happy and free soul is a 'fuck you' to the Devil.

" _Your time is running out, Howard..._ "

"Speak of the Devil..." Howard sighed. The man lazily looked at the foot of his bed, and a shadowy figure composed of literal black darkness stood there. It had no eyes, and it didn't have a humanoid appearance as it looked like a cloud of darkness. "What do you want?"

" _Funny, didn't you tell the child earlier that men who speak with the Devil are not to be trusted?"_

"Shut your mouth and get to the point. I'm aiming to get some sleep tonight if you don't mind."

" _Well, what else is there to say than you are going to die?"_

"Uh-huh, yeah. Tell me something I don't know." Howard said with disinterest as he sat up in bed. "Hold on, I might as well have a smoke if you're continue talking." With that said, the Devil waited for Howard to light a cigar. In an act of total disrespect and defiance, Howard blew smoke toward the shadowy mass who showed no outside reaction to it. The only thing the mass did was shift the darkness that made it up into a physical entity. This entity resembled a red skinned man with a pair of horns, a demon tail, and in a crisp and clean business suit.

 _"Very well, I see you may not care for your fate, but what of the child? John, was it?"_ Said the father of all evil himself. Howard said nothing, only casting the Devil with a glare that can shake lesser demons. " _While you may have lived one hundred years defying me, your child may not be so lucky as you have been. How could he? You were a special case when you were born, unusually resistant to my influence to this very day. But that child has no such resistance..."_

"Touch John, and I'll come knocking on your door in Hell." Howard threatened with a puff of his cigar.

" _Yes, typical. How typical of mortal men to care for those weaker than they. It's holding you back. If you never decided to settle down and have a family, then you could've gone on forever in your quest to protect freedom."_

"Why that's stupid..." Howard said, taking the cigar out of his mouth. "I know why you're here. You're just a big sissy. Should've expected this from the king of cowards..."

 _"Oh? And what do you mean by this, Mr. Doe?"_ The Devil inquired.

"I mean you only came here to try and convince me to have my boy killed. Why? Because that boy is my legacy. When I'm gone, he's still gonna be running around messing with your crap while I'll be up in Heaven laughing at _you_." Said the manly man with a deep glare toward the Devil.

" _Fool. After all the death you're responsible for in the name of supposed 'freedom', you'll not be resting in Heaven. You'll be with me. But, before you go on and say some nonsense in rebuttal, Allow me to show you what is to become of John."_

The Devil held his hand out and out came blue Hellfire. The flames of the fire had an image in them, moving images. It showed a man in a military like uniform sprawled out on the floor while beasts ripped his body apart. Howard's eyes widened at seeing the horrid sight.

" _That is what's going to happen to the boy should you keep him on the path you want him to take."_ Said the Devil, closing his hand and making the Hellfire go away. " _What have you to say now, mortal? I suggest you choose your words wisely..."_ The Devil's head tilted to the side and his yellow eyes looked toward the door. Howard looked to there as well, and saw that it was creaked open a little bit.

"I think that means my grandson and I can kick your ass together." Said Howard simply, nodding at the slightly open door.

" _...charming. Well, this has been a thorough waste of time."_ The Devil sighed. He snapped his fingers, and a fiery portal opened up behind him. Inside the portal was Hell itself where millions of tortured souls are kept and demons of all kinds roamed about. _"Your life's not eternal, Howard. You'll die one day like everyone else..."_

"I'll be sure to pay you a visit sometime after I die then." Howard said, throwing his finished cigar to the floor.

The Devil stood a moment and kept his dark gaze on Howard, then he went into the portal with a snort. The room was once again dark, and Howard found himself staring at the spot where the portal once was. That section of floor was singed and burnt from the flames, but the room was otherwise intact save for the rise in temperature.

"...Come in here, boy." Howard sighed, glancing over at the door. The slightly opened door slowly opened to reveal young John Doe standing there in fright with his little body shaking fearfully after seeing the Devil in person. "Sit down, son." The old man urged his grandson over, patting the side of the bed.

"W-was that...?"

"The Lord of Darkness, Master of Hell, King of Evil, Emperor of Deception, and total coward? Yes. That was the Devil, son." Howard said, rubbing his grandson's head. The scared boy still had that black eye he gave him only minutes ago. "My God, are you tougher than you let on. Not a lot of mean can claim to wake up from a punch of mine so soon, much less a kid." He chuckled a bit.

"...why did he come here?" His still scared grandson asked.

"Right... you just had your first look at the true enemy..." Howard trailed. "The bastard just came over and tried to deceive me like he's been doing to people since God first touched humanity. If it makes you feel any better, you're most likely gonna fight just his minions and puppets in the real world." Howard finished. His grandson was deathly silent, the boy shaken from this experience.

"I'm scared..."

"I... I know, you're making it pretty obvious." Howard said solemnly.

"Was he telling the truth? About what will happen to me?" John asked. Howard's never seen such fear in his eyes before.

"...no. He rarely does. He's just saying lies to get us to do the wrong things like those people I've been telling you about earlier." Howard said. His grandson said nothing, but he was evidently quite fearful. This wasn't good. He can't be scared now! He's still got a duty to protect freedom, but he can't do it if he's living scared.

"You can sleep in my bed tonight. Get in here..." The loving grandfather scooted over in his large bed to make room for his boy. Previously, this space was meant for his late wife, but he's sure she wouldn't mind it now. His grandson was hesitant from the fear freezing his body, but the little boy managed to get himself tucked up with his grandad.

"Listen... how about I tell you a story from my adventures? Just something to get your mind off of that crap eating Devil." Said he with a smile. His grandson nodded slowly, partially hiding himself under the covers.

"Good. Now, the year was 1863..."

* * *

 **Current Day**

"And that's the story of how my grandad put me on the road to becoming a true American!" Soldier declared proudly to his audience.

"...so, you want us to believe that you saw the Lord of Darkness of your world and lived?" Blake asked with the rest of Team RWBY nodding. None of the girls knew a thing about Earth and its complex struggles, but even they found it hard to believe what Soldier said. Then again, this was expected from Soldier after all the crazy stories he's been telling them.

"Yep! From that night on, I vowed to become the greatest defender of freedom that the whole universe has ever known!"

"... _sure."_ Weiss said a bit awkwardly after a moment of brief silence that was just as awkward.

"Well, Mr. Soldier, it's been lovely hearing your story, but we got to get to class now! Bye!" Ruby said as the girls sped out of there before Soldier went on another long story.

"Okay! Bye ladies! Hehehe...why I can tell those girls are going to be great defenders of freedom someday..." Soldier said proudly. Then, he started shouting at seemingly no one.

"YOU HEAR THAT YOU FIRE EATING PIECE OF GARBAGE!? I SAID THOSE GIRLS ARE GOING TO DEFEND FREEDOM LIKE ME SOMEDAY!"

" _Oh, shut up..."_ A disembodied voice said in Soldier's mind. _"You're giving me a headache..._ "

Then, another disembodied voice popped up in Soldier's mind for a moment.

" _THAT'S RIGHT YOU COCK-EATING, HORNED SON OF A BITCH! JUST WATCH, ONE OF THESE DAYS MY GRANDSON AND I ARE GONNA ROLL DOWN TO HELL AND GIVE YOU A WHOOPING WORSE THAN THE WRATH OF GOD!"_

* * *

 **Here's Soldier's take. Granted, a lot of it has to do with his grandad, but let's face it. They're fundamentally the same person. Still, I think I did a good job establishing their relationship.**

 **So next short's gonna be a Chibi one. About what? Just wait and see...**

 **Review Responses:**

 **Gizmo Gear: Yep!...Next round!**

 **Blue050645TL: Damn, that's good. He may have lost this round, but he's still got the next round.**

 **Alpha Tyrant: My favorite character in TF2 is the entire team. :)**

 **The Mercenary Prime: Just you watch. That's gonna be in the rematch.**

 **Ren Woods: Alright.**

 **Awesome Arod: K.**

 **Mr. Green37: We'll see how he does next round.**

 **TheFrankcisco: Eh.**

 **Michamya: Alright.**

 **JanSolo: Go on...**

 **an geoust: Fuck yeah.**


	16. MiR Chibi Series 1

**The Feral Hoovy Encounter**

Yang strolled along the peaceful gardens of Beacon Academy. It was a nice walk, that's for sure. What with it being a beautiful and serene day, that's to be expected. However, Yang wasn't here because she wanted a calming walk. No, she was here because Ruby and Jaune had gone missing over here. They said they'll be back, but that was over two hours ago so now Yang is looking for them.

"Ruby? Jaune?" She called out only to get no answer. "Where are you guys?" She scratched her head in confusion.

While she thought about where they could possibly be, she noticed that a nearby bush appeared to be ripped up. The more suspicious thing? There were scratch marks in the dirt as if someone had been dragged away, and there was a piece of red cloth stuck in a branch. The even more suspicious thing? There was a sign saying 'Hoovy Lair, Keep Out, next to this specific space of the garden. What was weird was that this particular patch of garden was far more wild with trees and plants growing uncontrollably, compared to the ordered and maintained patches of the rest of the garden.

"Gasp! A convenient scrap of red cloth? Ruby must be in trouble!" Reasoned the dragon sister of said lost girl. "Don't worry Ruby, I'll save you! And Jaune, but more importantly you!" Yang said with utmost determination, punching her fists together before charging blindly into the bushes. She only ran for a good five steps before she was yelled at by none other than her sister!

" _Yang! Don't go charging blindly into bushes!_ " Ruby whispered as loudly as she could. Noticeably, the girl was frightened and her appearance was a little ragged with scratches and small tears here and there.

"Ruby! That was easier than I expected... what are you doing out-MPHMM!" A hand was thrown right onto her mouth, silencing her completely as Ruby hushed her in a panic.

" _SHHHHHH! Be quiet..._ " Ruby warned her, before parting some branches apart to reveal something that caught Yang off guard badly. Just behind the next bush was... Heavy? Yeah, it was Heavy! And he was sitting on Jaune for some reason, not doing much else than kind of just sitting there and staring off into blank space.

"SANDVICH." The Russian said for no obvious reason.

" _Help... me..._ " The boy he was sitting on gasped for breath, looking like he was ready to pass out any moment now.

"What's up with Heavy?-WHOA!" Ruby abruptly pulled Yang behind a bush, shaking in fright.

"Yang, you don't understand! That's not Heavy..." Her sister said in a voice full of dread. "That is _Hoovy_. And he's in a really bad mood!" She said menacingly, casting a frightful glance over to the fat creature in the shape of a man.

"BAD." He, or rather it, shouted into the air.

Every sound he made had Ruby chilling in fear while Yang was just straight out confused. Thinking to herself, Yang had an idea. A simple and easy solution to this big problem as soon as she put the pieces together. With this in mind, she grinned and walked right out to where the apex predator was as if she weren't afraid of it. The Hoovy saw her and snapped its head toward the brave goldilocks, giving out a loud 'POOT' as warning to not come closer. Yang paid no mind to it, only continuing to grin as she stopped right in front of the beast.

"Hungry?" She said, to which the Hoovy nodded its head at the mention of food. Saying nothing else, Yang reached deep into her back pockets and retrieved an item so powerful, so devastatingly deadly to Feral Hoovies, that it renders them tame.

A Sandvich.

"Hey there big guy! Want a tasty Sandvich?" Yang said, holding the irresistible food item in the air clear as day for the Hoovy to see.

"SANDVICH." It roared in delight, getting off of Jaune and towering over the little Yang like a big ole bear. Keeping the grin, Yang tossed the Sandvich to the Hoovy and the beast ate it in only one bite.

"Feeling better, bud?" Yang asked the beast once it was done.

"Moist and delicious, hahaha!" Laughed the now friendly giant. Now that he wasn't hungry no more, the Feral Hoovy was now friendly! Ruby looked on in stars in her eyes, not noticing Jaune crawl to her feet groaning in pain.

"Wow! How did you know that will work?" The amazed girl asked her awesome big sis as Hoovy was now giving her a ride on his shoulders.

"Simple Ruby..." Yang chuckled. "Because you're not you when you're hungry!"

"...really? That's... kinda lame, and copyrighted I think..."

* * *

 **Cinder Vs Spy**

Cinder wasn't pleased one bit. Neither was Spy. For the last 24 hours, the two of them were engaged in a massive war that had so far gotten them nowhere. The only thing this war accomplished was wasting time and energy for neither was able to get the upper hand over the other. Whenever Cinder attempted a nefarious scheme to make Spy and his team pay for being the huge nuisance they are, it usually backfires because the clever Frenchman was able to see through it almost every time. However, on the other end of the spectrum, Cinder was able to foil most of Spy's schemes on her too.

His latest attempt however was a success and it involved a lot of banana peels and staircases. Obviously, this led to a lot of Cinder Falling, budumbuh! Haha, funny joke...

On the other hand, Cinder's latest attempt involved a lot of mud, and we all know how much Spy doesn't like getting his expensive suits dirty.

Both sides were locked on each other, eyes glaring at the other with complete and total hatred.

"I don't like you..." Both of them said in unison.

"I hope you run into a door." Cinder said.

"I hope your plans don't go up _cinders_." He snarkily responded in the way only French people do, annoying Cinder to no end.

"I think your suit is stupid." She grinned evilly, to which he took serious offense.

"I think you're quite ravishing when you're angry." He sarcastically said.

"I think your knives are dull." She said.

"Oh ho, that's rich coming from someone who thought I would fall for the bucket over the door trick. You see my dear, my suit, my knives, and my wit are all _far_ sharper than anything you can ever hope to achieve. And another thing? I hope you _Fall_." Spy snorted. Cinder didn't take too kindly to this pun on her name and she growled at the snarky Frenchman. She was going to give a big comeback remark of her own

"No insults you two! You're both already in big trouble with how much of a mess your pranks have caused around campus!" The witch of Beacon scolded the two of them, making both cower in fright. "Now get back to work! This cafeteria is not going to clean itself..." She huffed before moving on to check on the others here due to causing trouble themselves.

" _You're dumb..."_ Cinder whispered, scrubbing the floor clean while she was at it.

" _You're a fool."_ Spy whispered back, meeting Cinder's glare.

Their bickering did not go unnoticed by everyone else, who were getting quite annoyed with how annoyed these two were with each other. Team RWBY and JNPR had to clean the cafeteria too under Glynda's oppressive watch, and they wished they didn't have to spend that time listening to how much Spy and Cinder apparently hated each other.

"Shut up and make out already!" Nora yelled to be a little agent of chaos that she was. When she yelled that out, oh boy did the cafeteria get quiet. Everybody, Goodwitch, Spy, Cinder, the teams, all went quiet in an awkward silence upon hearing that. All of their eyes were on Spy and Cinder as the two were cleaning the floor within arm's reach of each other. The two seemed quite embarrassed as evident by how their eyes darted around to everyone in the cafeteria.

"...I still think you're stupid." Spy said to Cinder, returning to the bickering.

Cinder's responses was just to slap him.

* * *

 **Mercs' House**

One day, Spy woke up in bed. He simply opened his eyes and was greeted by the sight of the ceiling, completely unmoving. It was a sunny day outside in this fine morning. Birds were chirping as usual for a stereotypical sort of deal like this, and he was pretty sure Pyro was playing a harp downstairs. Taking a moment for his sense to take everything, he took a blissful deep breath and smiled.

Then, he leaped out of bed with all the grace of a French gentleman.

"I have a strange feeling that today is going to be a wonderful day!" Said he. In a minute, he found that he had showered and shaved in no time at all. "Voila! Now, time to dress sharper than my knives!" So the chibi Spy danced in a manner full of swag and class, almost looking something like a cross between Michael Jackson and some fancy gentleman dance. The most impressive part? He was doing this while putting his clothes on.

With a hop, he had his pants on instantly. With a pirouette, he got his waist coat on and had his fancy suit on in much the same way. He threw his shoes up into the air towards the door where he did an awesome roll which saw him get the shoes on mid roll when he stuck his feet out to catch them. Spy rolled all the way to the door where he did a spinning ball jump like a red Sonic the Hedgehog and landed perfectly on his two feet with the grace of an Olympic competitor in the performing arts, complete with applause and cheers.

"Now! Time to meet my companions!" Spy said with a pleased smile on his face. Feeling like nothing can go wrong today, he set his hand on the door and opened it.

...to find that he fell into a puddle of mud. He was absolutely flabbergasted at this sudden change of fortunes. One moment he was pleased with all in the world, now the world just denied him joy and gave him sadness :(

"Ha! We got him!" He heard a voice say, and his head immediately snapped toward its direction to find that it was Ruby's.

The girl was with the rest of Team RWBY and with Soldier, Demoman, and Scout. What ticked Spy off the most about it all was the fact that they were all _laughing_ at him. He clenched his teeth in anger, and looked back to find something completely shocking. So much so that he stopped being mad for a bit. Apparently, he had no idea how or when, but they had silently removed his _ENTIRE_ room from the Mercs' House and set it in a muddy field that they must've made last night since it was not here before. Turning his gaze over to the house itself, there was indeed an entire section removed from it that was where Spy's room was. It looked kind of like someone had made a giant cake of the Mercs' Place and cut out Spy's room.

" _Grrr..._ You, you idiots!" The chibi Frenchman shook his fist at them while they still laughed. With anger, he got his Ambassador out and shot out all six high velocity cork bullets at them, obviously the most deadly form of firearm projectile in the world. The pranksters immediately dispersed with only Soldier getting hit in the leg and Yang getting hit in the chest. Still, they laughed at him as they ran, and it infuriated him.

His eyes twitched with rage, and the fact that Pyro was still playing the harp didn't help. Even more worse, the Pyromaniac waded into the mud and was playing the harp right next to him before Spy took it and smashed it across its face, giving Pyro sad dreams as it was knocked out.

* * *

 **Mercs' Classroom, Later**

Class was in session, and Spy found himself to be the only one available for teaching today. The others were apparently busy with, quote, 'stuff', unquote. He was 100% certain it involved doing something stupid, but he decided to excuse them as he was not going to let them ruin the rest of his day.

"Watch carefully, as I demonstrate to you some CQC moves that will most definitely aid you in battle. Mr. Winchester? Come up please."

Doing as he was asked, Cardin walked up to the ring and stood by Spy.

"Now, Mr. Winchester, I want you to-" Spy paused when he noticed there was giggling across the classroom, and he looked at his students with a puzzled face. Shaking his head, he decided it was nothing and kept going. "I want you to kick me as hard as you-" He paused again as the students' laughing's gotten louder. Getting a little annoyed, he gave each of them a stern look which silenced them for the most part. Slowly, he scanned the classroom for anything suspicious before returning to the demonstration.

"I want you to kick-" He stopped once more, as the soft snickering and giggling now became full on laughter at something he was oblivious too. "WHAT EXACTLY IS SO FUNNY!?" He screeched. This instantly made everyone fall silent and assume an orderly stance like nothing happened at all. With an extremely annoyed look, he calmed down and turned back to Cardin.

Unbeknownst to him, someone had been shining a bright red laser all over his body as he was trying to teach here. This someone was of course Sniper who was using his chibi Sniper Rifle's laser dot sight to mess with his French pal here. The Australian was hiding behind Team RWBY where he was trying to stop from laughing as he steadied the gun on Yang's shoulder. Team RWBY, except for Blake who had to excuse herself for a bit, were trying to keep from laughing themselves lest they attract attention to themselves.

The laughing of the class started up once more, and Spy turned around behind him to see if anyone had been doing some funny stuff behind his back. He was completely unaware of the comical fact that someone taped a 'KICK ME' to his back. Seeing this, Cardin took his chance to get back at Spy and whammed him across the back. The French professor gasped as he was just hit, and he stared at the student with cold eyes of hatred.

"What? You told me to give you my hardest kick." The boy said smugly, where his correctness was rewarded with a roundhouse kick that sent him flying out the classroom's walls. This action immediately made everyone stop laughing as the rage-filled man turned his cold gaze on them.

" _DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE BEING FUNNY!?"_ He screamed. " _HUH!? COME NOW, MAKE ME LAUGH!"_

Quite unexpectedly, he was then blinded when a big red laser dot shined in his eyes. He can hear Sniper laughing but was unable to see where he was at. Nevertheless, he literally triple wielded the Ambassader, Revolver, and The Enforcer and fired every single shot off in all the directions. If you're wondering how to triple wield, he had one gun in his mouth where his rage allowed him to use his tongue to pull the trigger. That's totally how it works.

Students ducked under their seats as the shots flew over them, and somehow Spy was magically able to fire way more than six of them out of his guns and it's almost like he was triple wielding machine guns. Still, little Neo who was no stranger to trouble crawled with her belly prone against the floor and inched her way over to him with a smile of trouble on her face. Once she reached him, she kicked him in the shin which forced him to drop his guns in pain and then kicked him across the back right where the 'KICK ME' note was.

Spy fell flat on his chest from the unbelievable power of the kick from the little girl, and he immediately flopped back around and ran at Neo with the intent to give her a disciplinary spanking only meant for the worst children possible. He never got that chance as he was blinded again by the laser dot sight. At this time, Blake had just reentered the classroom with a fresh book she just got off of Beacon's local black market book dealer. You know, because sometimes the library don't got what you want to read. ;)

This is where she noticed the red laser sight, and she dropped the book and slouched over with her pupils widening like an excited cat. She tried to resist it, she really did, but the cat part of herself overtook her entire being and replaced reasoning with the need to 'CATCH THE SHINY BUG!' Blinded or not, Spy managed to catch Neo, and even though he couldn't see, he reared his outstretched hand far back. He was ready to deliver a slap with enough power to shatter buildings when he was suddenly tackled by Blake.

"Ah! Ah! Blake! STOP!" He begged as the catgirl was supernaturally powerful as she pawed against his face rapidly with her hands. She had literal stars in her eyes and she was drooling a bit as she kept trying to catch the uncatchable dot flying across Spy's face.

* * *

 **Beacon Courtyard**

For the rest of the school day, it was filled with Spy constantly getting pranked by literally everyone. He went into the Beacon Administration Office where he clotheslined into clear wrap laid across a hallway set up by Port and Oobleck. He was walking down a hallway when Sun and his boys threw some banana peels in his way which caused him to slip through a window. He ran into a chibi Beowolf that somehow found itself on campus, and discovered that he had no weapons to fight it with since Team JNPR silently took his stuff away thanks to Pyrrha's semblance. Needless to say, he did not have a fun time dealing with the beast.

Spy was sitting alone on a bench by the statue , all grumpy from what happened earlier. His clothes were all messy and dirty from that humiliating incident, and he simply didn't want to see or speak to anyone right now for he was paranoid someone will mess with him. Which is why he nearly nailed Goodwitch in the head with a cork when she walked up to him.

"Oh, Professor Goodwitch. How are you?" He asked, visibly depressed and lowering his gun.

"I feel like I should be asking you that instead, Professor Spy." She said. "But I am fine, thank you for asking."

"Ah, that is nice to hear..." He trailed sadly. Seeing he was in need of emotional assistance or whatever, Goodwitch sat down next to him.

"I heard what happened, do you want to talk about it?"

"What else is there to talk about other than every person in this school is a rowdy and rude imbecile in one way or another." He growled, face tightening up in anger from earlier. Then, a shiver went down his spine and his eyes went wide when Goodwitch put her hand on his.

" _Am I an imbecile?"_ She said in a teasing manner, giving Spy a look he knew all too well.

He blushed as this was weirding him out. Goodwitch didn't seem like the type to do this, but even more shocking to him, she was actually into him? Sure, Spy thought she was quite pretty but he'd never try to get with her as he wasn't interested, but here she is revealing it in broad daylight!

"Oh my gosh! Look everyone!" A random female student yelled. In an instant, waves of students and teachers appeared and surrounded the two, waiting for something to happen. At the front of them all, were Team RWBY and their friends alongside the other mercenaries, their eyes extremely big with eager anticipation for the two to do something.

"P-professor Goodwitch!" Spy said with his face slightly blushing. "Please! We're causing a scene!"

"KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!" The massive crowd started chanting. Seriously, the crowd was so large, that people from Vale came over and even Creatures of Grimm rushed by to see what was up until they eventually joined in on the chanting. "KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!"

Spy's eyes darted around like a honeybee buzzing around, and he was starting to sweat profusely. His sweating increased when he felt two hands grab his face, and his eyes were locked on Goodwitch's pretty green ones as the woman lovingly stared into his soul. " _Close your eyes..._ " She whispered as she pucked her lips up. With much hesitation and peer pressure, Spy did as asked and tried to stop his entire body from shaking in fear.

His eyes were shut real tightly, and he kind of pucked his lips too as he sensed her coming close to his face. It touched his lips, but then she...barked?

Opening his eyes, he discovered he just kissed Zwei. He flew backwards in surprise where he tripped over Emerald who deliberately was on all fours just to trip him when as she was in his path. The fact that Spy fell into mud after this only made the hysterical laughter of the crowd become louder in volume. Slowly lifting his head from the mud, he saw that Goodwitch wasn't Goodwitch at all! It was actually Cinder Fall who had Emerald manipulate Spy's mind into thinking she was Goodwitch! It's not like it mattered that much to the real Goodwitch though as the woman was on her back laughing from it all with Oobleck and Port.

"Awww~ Did you enjoy that?" Cinder laughed evilly to herself as Spy looked at her with hurt eyes.

Then, thunder shook the skies, and it began to rain. Not wanting to get soaking wet, everyone went inside to seek cover. Spy remained in the mud, simply falling back motionless from all the humiliation he just received today. He remained like this well throughout the stormy night, even when the Sun rose the next morning.

A wicked smile developed on his face when the Sun shone over him, and he began to laugh to himself.

Unaware of what they had just done, Beacon had just created a monster. A monster who's laughing rang alongside the morning Sun.

* * *

 **The Next Day**

Blake was in an awful situation. Someone, she didn't know how or when, had stolen all her books! The catgirl was curled up on Team RWBY's floor, hands over her head and shaking back and forth as she felt lost without them. Her team tried to comfort her, but it was not effective whatsoever.

"Don't worry Blake! We'll find your books!" Ruby assured her with the talk of a leader. Blake didn't respond, only whimpering to herself as it was like the world's ending for her. "Alright Team! 'Operation: Cat Needz Books' is a go!"

"YEAH!" Weiss and Yang cheered before they all whisked right out of there and left Blake to wallow in her misery.

She was so miserable, that she failed to notice that there was someone throwing pebbles at her dorm window. Maybe she did notice, but she was just too distressed to do anything about it. Whoever was throwing the pebbles threw a couple more at the window before deciding to throw a good sized rock at it. This shattered the window, but Blake was still too distressed to do anything about it.

"Hey-WHAT ARE YOU- AHHHH!" A voice from outside screamed before Jaune found himself thrown straight into Team RWBY's window. He completely shattered the rest of the window and found himself sandwiched between one of the bunks when it collapsed on top of him. "Ow...;-;"

This finally got Blake to look up and see what was happening. "What happened!?" She yelled as it seemed like she really was in too much book withdrawal to notice what was happening. Then, someone threw a book right into the room and it hit her in the head.

"Ow!" Blake went before catching the book while rubbing her poor head. With a puzzled expression, she walked toward the ruined window to see what was up. She hadn't even taken a single step before a barrage of books flew right into the room and buried her under them.

"MY BOOKS!" She cried in joy. So happy was she that she started cuddling her books and even dived on top of them to make a book angel. Picking her favorite book up, she kissed it and hugged it tightly before opening it up to read the first page.

She was horrified with what she saw. In a panic, she flicked through the pages and found that every single one of them contained a different drawing of Spy. Throwing the book away as it scared her, she jumped on another book and flicked through it only to find the same thing. She repeated this for the other books, and every single one of them had drawings of Spy in it.

The drawings were all different from each other, but they all had one thing in common other than having Spy in them. The Frenchman was making an awful face. A face with a big smug grin that filled Blake's heart with dread.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Demoman was skipping along the path to the courtyard with Nora sitting on his shoulders. The lovable duo of explosive maniacs were all giddy because they're heading out to a big open space to test out a bunch of bombs they made last night. I'm pretty sure like 75% of those bombs weren't safe, but they didn't care. As long as no one got seriously hurt, it's all good with them! Nora was humming a pleasant tune that Demo can't help but join in on, but he found that his throat was a little dry.

"Give me a moment, lass. Old Demo needs a drink!" The Scotsman said. He reached back and got out a bottle of good old APPLE CIDER. Demoman loves his Scru-APPLE CIDER as everyone already knew! (Child friendly censorship. Chibi rules. Worst part is that it's poorly dubbed in and it sounds like Demo is yelling APPLE CIDER out of nowhere when he means to say Scru-APPLE CIDER.)

"Ahhhh, oh APPLE CIDER! How I love ye!" He kissed the bottle before taking a swig...and clutched his throat before falling to the ground and starting flop like a fish. Nora fell forward, and she covered her face in panic for her friend.

"Demmy! Are you okay!?" She yelled. The girl was trying to hold Demo down as it looked like he was choking on something.

"T-the bottle!" He gasped. "It's been poisoned!"

Nora's head snapped to the bottle, and she immediately sniffed it to see if it was poisoned. This is where she noticed something wasn't right...

"Um, Demo?" She said, no longer sounding panicked. "This is just water." The girl said, pouring the liquid out onto the floor for Demo to see. The Scotsman looked like he just seen the most mind breaking thing ever.

" _That's_ water!?" He yelled. "That stuff is awful!" You see, Demoman has spent pretty much his entire life drinking nothing but APPLE CIDER, so whenever he drinks water it's like his body think it's being poisoned.

"Huh...oh well!" Nora shrugged with a smile, throwing the bottle back where it accidentally hit a random shadow student. "Least we got out bombs! Wanna blow them up now?" She asked eagerly.

"Sure, lass!" Demo said cheerfully.

After that awful water stunt, a good explosion ought to raise his spirits up! So the two dumped all the bombs they worked so hard on right onto the floor carelessly with them shaking the bag to make sure none were left inside. It's not like they were gonna blow up prematurely or anything. They then set all the bombs in a patch of grass neatly stacked on top of each other, and Nora ran a fuse from there to a detonator they set up quite a ways back. Nodding to each other, the two shook in anticipation for quite the fireworks display...

...when the bombs merely blew up into confetti. It wasn't even a big explosion too, it was like one of those little party poppers except even lamer! The confetti was a whole bunch of different colors, but there was even pictures among them. Demo and Nora simply stood there with their jaws hanging down at this disappointment. That was until Nora cried out in despair and jumped into Demo's arms. crying into his vest.

"What sort of scum would do this!?" Demo yelled in rage. One of the pictures flew right into his face, and the Scotsman annoyedly plucked it off to see what was on it. What he saw horrified him.

* * *

 **Later That Night, Ozpin's Office**

Professor Ozpin sat at his desk with his elbows rested and his own head rested on his hands. He was currently being bombarded with hundreds of voices complaining about Spy. His office was so cramped, that he legitimately had people hanging out the sides of Beacon Tower. They were all angry, especially since after going on a massive witch hunt for the Frenchman, they turned up nothing. No one had seen the illusive Frenchman all day even though he was running amok around campus.

"Headmaster! You must do something about Professor Spy!" Weiss yelled. The heiress had all sorts of sticks and stuff sticking out of her hair when someone covered her entire pathway with slippery soap and she crashed into a suspiciously placed pile of leaves.

"He killed Sandvich!" Heavy seriously had tears softly come down his face as he revealed a Sandvich that looked to be perfectly fine except for a slit stabbed into it. Obviously, it had been murdered in cold ketchup as it had been backstabbed!

"He blew up our room!" Pyrrha yelled as she and the rest of Team JNPR were covered in black soot and ash. That's probably what happened to the bombs Nora and Demo lost...

"Oh yeah, that's nothing compared to what he did to me!" Sun stepped up and revealed that someone had literally erased his six pack. Almost as if someone took a giant pencil and rubbed the eraser on him until there was no trace.

"He took all my APPLE CIDER and replaced it with water!" Demo yelled.

And so on. Everyone yelled out all the horrible things Spy had done to them, and Ozpin looked completely unmoved by all this. He let them drone on for a few more minutes before clearing his throat and raising his hand out for silence.

The crowd suddenly fell silent as Ruby slowly and sadly stood in front of Ozpin's desk with a cute but sad tear-filled face. Hesitantly through sniffles and sobs, she placed a plate of cookies on his desk for him to see. "H-he...he..." She sniffled. "HE REPLACED MY CHOCOLATE CHIPS WITH RAISINS! WAAAAAAAA!" She cried. The crowd was horrified. How can you do something like that to a girl as sweet as Ruby!?

The professor still hadn't moved. He remained silent for another moment before finally addressing the problem.

"While I admit the things our good Professor Spy has done are rather out of character for him, I must say that don't you feel this is all justified?" Ozpin said. The crowd looked confused. A hundred faces looked at each other and at him as they tried to understand what he meant by 'justified'. "Why, I'd say after the absolute torture you all put him through yesterday, everything he's done to you is well deserved."

This got a bunch of murmurs from the crowd who did seem quite guilty for what they did to him yesterday.

"I guess...he's right..." Yang trailed guiltily, getting agreement from everyone.

"We should apologize to him. Let him know we're sorry!" Weiss declared.

Everyone unanimously agreed, but it wasn't entirely because they felt _that_ sorry for him. It was more because they'll do anything to make him stop his reign of terror. That's not meant to be a French history joke. While everyone was conversing with each other on their agreement to apologize, Ozpin suddenly got a grappling hook and shot it upwards where he soon was lifted up 15 feet in the air. Obviously, no one missed this and everyone fell silent as they watched the peculiar sight.

"Headmaster?" Ruby said in awe.

"Yes, you should apologize to him." Ozpin said. "And I would like all of you to know that he forgives you all."

Then, he reached into his coat and retrieved what looked like a bomb detonator. In reality, it was a trigger rigged to release the contents of several large containers stored above them, and inside these containers was millions of gallons of red syrup from the Forest of Forever Fall. The flood of syrup utterly washed all the surprised and startled people right out of the tower where they fell all the way down. At the bottom, they landed on several huge pillows set up to cushion their fall, but each pillow was in such a manner that they immediately exploded on contact and everybody was covered in feathers!

Totally astonished at what just happened, the weary students and professors picked themselves up and were horrified to see that they all looked like red chickens with all these feathers sticking to them. Maniacal nasal laughing can be heard echoing high above, and all faces looked up to see a lone figure standing at the edge of Ozpin's Office as the last bits of syrup continued to drip down.

"HAHAHA! I AM THE BOSS!" The Frenchman yelled at the filthy chickens below. He started taunting them in that usual French way and even begun dancing around on the edge. Hopping back a bit, he kicked over massive rolls of cloth that fell into a giant hanging picture that hung from the Tower. What the picture was put dread in all their hearts.

It was Spy doing a troll face.

While he was doing this, Professor Ozpin walked up alongside him and saw the act he just did to his students. The Professor was in on this by the way, and he found a smile form on his face from the amusing sight.

"I assume you're not going to clean any of that up?" Ozpin asked the victory dancing Spy who simply shook his head 'no' while dancing. Ozpin shook his head and sighed. At least it was funny.

* * *

 **Jaune's Monster Film Career**

Students screamed in sheer terror as chaos and disorder ruled the day. Left and right people were fleeing to escape the massive force of disaster that was attacking their school. Some brave souls stopped to fight back against the monster destroying their home, but all they could do was buy time to let the others escape. But for a certain red hooded girl, she decided to get the word out to Remnant of what this monster was and warn them all of the greatest threat the planet will ever know.

"Are we live? Oh! This is Ruby Rose reporting live from the scene of the attack!" Ruby did her best impression of a panicked news reporter. Yang held the news-station grade camera that they had somehow while Blake and Weiss dared to fight back against the monster. "A great and evil monster is attacking Beacon Academy and we're helpless to stop it!"

There was a temporary pause as a massive piece of rubble landed near Ruby which spooked her and the camerawoman. Ruby looked behind her fearfully before continuing, the camera not quite able to focus on the monster behind them with all the motion happening.

"There's no way to stop her! She's too powerful! I repeat, she's too powerful! All citizens evacuate-AHHHH!" Screamed the poor news Ruby as the monster picked her up by the Cape. Shivering in fear, Yang pointed the camera upwards for the audience back at home to see the monster first hand. Ruby was stuck in her grasp, struggling to get out in vain for it was hopeless. The camera focused, and the audience was greeted by the sight of a gigantic bunny girl who could pew lasers out of her eyes.

"Run! Save yourselves! No one can stop the rampage of...of...um... _Velvetzilla_?" Ruby said uncertainly. "Line please!"

"It's Bunny Kong!" A voice that belonged to Director Jaune Arc yelled from off screen.

"Oh, right! Thanks!" Ruby waved to him off screen before continuing her role. "Ahem, NO ONE CAN STOP THE RAMPAGE OF VELVET- I mean - BUNNY KONG! SHE'S AN UNSTOPPABLE KAIJU MONSTER! A BIG, SCARY, KIND OF CUTE, MONSTER!"

" _RAAAAAAAWRRR!"_ The huge bunny roared. Then, she sort of stood there awkwardly as she had forgotten what she was about to do next. "Um... rawr?" She roared cutely and innocently for she didn't know what else to say.

"Ugh, cut!" Jaune yelled through a rather large loudspeaker, signalling for all actors to stop at his order. Instantly, the holographic stage of Beacon that made Velvet look huge in her adorable bunny suit disappeared, and the mini projections of the students disappeared as well. "What the heck was that!? How are we supposed to win the 'make your own monster movie' contest if you guys can't remember your lines!?" He yelled. "Ugh, a professional like me can't work in these conditions..."

"Maybe if you let us practice our lines before filming, then we'd... you know, not be bad at remembering them?" Ruby suggested.

"She has a point." Blake said.

"This whole thing's kind of low budget anyway, Jauney boy..." Yang added. "I mean we are using Velvet as a monster, but look at her! How can she be a monster if she's so cute?" She hugged Velvet tightly to emphasize her point, much to the bunnygirl's discomfort.

"It's an original idea! How many monster movies have you seen with the same generic big lizard or robot wrecking the place? All of them! Which is exactly why I chose Velvet. She makes a perfect monster!"

"That hurts my feelings... ;-;" Velvet teared up a bit.

"What!? No no no! I meant like a good movie monster, not that I was saying you actually were a monster!"

Suddenly, the walls of the room they were filming in started shaking. At first everyone thought that Beacon actually was getting attacked, and they were right in a way. It quickly became obvious that the source of the tremors was coming from inside the room, and it was straight from Velvet. The bunny who was tearing up only a moment ago seemed to be getting quite angry over something.

"Oh no..." Ruby gasped, stepping away from her.

"W-what?" Jaune asked nervously, taking a step back like everyone else in the room.

"Jaune, you dunce! You have no idea what you just did!" Weiss shouted before promptly leaving the room in a rush.

"What did I do?!"

"You're a fool, Jaune! A fool!" Ruby yelled in his face with a look of dread on her face. "You've awakened Velvet's true form!"

Velvet let out a shout of rage, and she suddenly grew as large as her movie monster form was intended to be. She utterly destroyed the building she was in, but the others had already ran away by then. Being exposed to the outside world, Velvetzilla roared loudly and tried to look as dangerous as her cute chibi form would allow her to look.

"VELVET MAD! MUST DESTROY JAUNE!" The kaiju bunny roared, laying her eyes on the movie director.

"Oh my gosh..." Jaune gasped. "Quick! Grab the cameras and start rolling!" He yelled eagerly as now he'll definitely win that contest now. Immediately, Ren showed yup with a movie camera and began recording as Velvet went on a rampage.

The entire scene was near identical to how it was supposed to play out in Jaune script, which only made him more excited. Especially since Velvet picked him up and climbed straight to the top of Beacon Tower with him in hand. Ozpin was still inside the tower, and simply sipped at his coffee mug in disapproval of what's going on right now. Otherwise, he did nothing but watch.

Upon climbing to the top of the tower, Velvet gave a loud roar when she was suddenly attacked by biplanes piloted by the mercenaries. Now she was just fighting them off King Kong style.

"RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWRRR!"

...

"And that's how the film's going to play out! No one will ever see it coming!" Jaune finished his eager envisioning of how his kaiju monster disaster film was going to play out. "I like to call it 'filmception'. Just part of my director's vision. After all, I am an artist..." Said he proudly, not noticing how no one seemed impressed with his insane idea. "Well, what do you guys think? Is it awesome or what?"

Nobody said a word as they all simply left. That's it, just got up and walked off the set, leaving Jaune alone.

"Guys? Come on guys! I really want to win this film contest! _Pleeease!_ " He begged for them to come back, but his idea was just too dumb. Who'd honestly believed a cutie like Velvet would make a good kaiju? Not to mention how ridiculous the plot got.

"Ahhhhhh... darn it..."

"I think it sounds like a good idea." A soft voice said from above. Sadly looking up, Jaune's spirits were lifted when he was greeted by a friendly face.

"Awww... thanks, giant Velvet!" The amateur director said as he was picked up by her and proceeded to hug her soft cheek. "You're the only one who understands me! Not like stupid normal Velvet..."

* * *

 **The Level 4 Sentry**

We open up on Engineer hanging out in the mercenaries' garage, just relaxing on his Rancho Relaxo sipping on some booz-APPLE CIDER. Then Ruby came in screaming her head off while carrying an actual head. The relaxed Texan didn't pay her much mind as the girl ended up running circles around him while screaming. He noticed that she had what looked like the body of a girl strapped to the back of her... back **.**

Getting kind of fed up with Ruby interrupting his relax time, he set a hand out, caught Ruby, and held her in the air until she realized that she wasn't moving anywhere.

"ENGIE! HELP ME!" The girl squirmed as she was still in a panic.

"What's wrong, little lady?"

"My friend's head fell off!" Said she with a bit of teary eyes, holding up the head. Which... seemed to be alive?

"Salutations!" The head greeted with a cheery demeanor. "I am Penny Polendina. It's so nice to finally meet you!" Penny beamed with a big toothy smile. Engie kind of dead faced at seeing this disembodied head talk and act as if it were just fine.

"Did this head just talk?" Engie said as he inspected Penny closely.

"Um...no! I mean, yes! Maybe..." Ruby said shyly. "It's a secret! Don't tell anyone Penny's a robot!"

"Hmm..." Engie hummed with Ruby waiting anxiously for his answer. The Penny head was sort of just bouncing around in Ruby's arms just happy as can possibly be. "Alrighty then! Now what can I do you for?"

"NO ENGIE PLEASE DON'T- wait...you're not gonna tell anyone?"

"Nope." Engie said.

"Oh, well... can you fix Penny? She's sort of...headless." Said Ruby, holding Penny's head up who proceeded to give Engie a nice smile.

"Sure thing! Just set her down on the table and I'll see what I can do to help!"

So, Ruby set Penny's body and head down on the table where Engie began carefully examining how the robot girl worked. He then began the first of many steps in trying to put Penny back together. Multiple clinks were heard as Engie slowly and repeatedly placed her head back onto her body without welding or anything.

"Um... I don't think it's working." Ruby said the obvious.

"Hush, I know what I'm doing. Trust me, I'm an engineer!" The Texan proudly said. Then, he pulled out a blowtorch, wrench, toolbox, and scarp metal. "Don't you worry your little head, Ruby. 'll have your friend fixed up in no time! Just you watch!" With that said, Engie immediately kicked Ruby out of the garage and shut the door. Ruby waited, and she cringed a bit for she heard a lot of noises happening on the other side that didn't sound too reassuring. She can hear things banging and clanging against metal, blowtorches going off, beeping sounds that kind of sounded like sentries, drills whirring, and Penny grunting every now and then.

It took only a minute for him to finish. The garage door opened and Penny was standing completely fine with Engineer hanging his arm around her shoulder, proud of his handiwork.

"Penny!"

"Hello Ruby! I'm feeling more well than I have ever been!" The robo girl said happily. "Thanks to Mr. Engineer!"

"Aw shucks, it ain't nothing gals. Just an Engineer wanting to make people happy." Engie blushed. "Especially since I, hehe, upgraded your friend here!"

"Upgrade?" Both girls said. Seemed like Penny wasn't completely aware of what Engie did to her somehow.

"Yep! Next time you get into a scrap, just watch Penny's-"

"AHAHAHA!" A voice laughed maniacally from out of nowhere. From the sky, Roman Torchwick jumped down with a huge rocket launcher pointed right at them. "Well Red, looks like you're doomed! No one, not even those stupid professors can save you now!" Laughed the criminal as he's joined by his ice cream companion, Neo, who was eating a bowl of her own brand of ice cream.

"SYSTEM SCANNING" Penny suddenly froze up, and her eyes had green lasers come out of them that scanned Roman and Neo. "ENEMIES DETECTED"

"What the...?" Ruby, Roman, and Neo if she had a mouth said together as they had no idea what was happening. But, Engineer did, and he stood back with a big grin on his face. Without warning, four mechanical arms popped out of Penny's backpack, and all of them had level 3 Sentries on them that were ready to open fire on the nearest enemy.

"Oh dear..." Roman blinked. Neo held up a sign that said 'No Kidding'. "WE SURRENDER!" Roman cried, dropping the rocket launcher and holding his hands up as did Neo.

"Hahaha! Ruby, allow me the pleasure of introducing you to the Level 4 Sentry!" Engie laughed, patting Penny on the back who seemed to be absolutely delighted with her new offensive capabilities. Ruby was just as amazed, as now Penny was an awesome weapon of mass destructions! Happily, the girl jumped on Penny and gave her a hug for she's the best weapon she could ask for.

* * *

 **Troll Spying with a Chance of Hale**

"Well, well, well... if it isn't the mercenaries I've heard so much about..." Salem said with a hint of interest in her voice. The evil woman stood alone as the mercenaries and the kids they've made friends with faced her down.

"I suggest you surrender before we destroy you." Heavy said.

"Humph. Why would I do that when I outnumber you?" The evil woman grinned, getting mixed reactions from the good guys gathered before her.

"Ha! You and what-mphmm!" Yang's mouth was suddenly covered by Pyro's gloved hand who hushed her through its mask.

"Mphmm hmph!" It explained.

"He's right! That exactly what she wants us to do..." Weiss said in contempt for Salem and her attempt at deception.

"Ha! Stupid witch with your dirty tricks! They will not work on us!" Demo claimed. "We will not say it!"

"Ahhhh... but are you sure? I really want to surprise you all though..." Salem said with a bit of disappointed sadness in her voice.

"Wha, I don't get it." Ruby was confused. She didn't know what the others were getting at, and no matter how hard her little chibi brain tried to think on it, she just couldn't get it. "What's the trick here?"

"The trick's that she's trying to get us to say 'you and what _blank_ '." Sniper explained.

"I still don't get it... what is 'blank' supposed to mean?"

"It's supposed to be 'you and what army'. Ha! I've just educated you in proper English. Go democracy!" Soldier said, gaining looks of despair and disbelief from everyone involved except from Ruby who was happy that she understood now. But for Salem, the woman had a wicked smile on her face as instantly, thousands of chibi Grimm immediately surrounded the good guys. Even all of the bad guys from Adam to Cinder showed up, and they were more than ready to teach the good guys a lesson.

"Nice job, Soldier..." Weiss said sarcastically, but Soldier couldn't tell the difference and he took it as a compliment.

"Okay everyone, no need to panic..." Engie began, clutching his chibi shotgun tightly. "All we got to do is stay calm and we'll get through this..."

"Oh you may think that's so, but you're all doomed!" Salem began laughing maniacally with all of her minions and underlings doing the same. "HAHAHAHAHAHA...wait a minute...aren't there supposed to be nine mercenaries? Where's the masked one?"

Right when she asked that question, a crate fell from the sky and landed on top of a poor Beowolf. On top of the crates was none other than chibi Spy, and he had a dreadful looking grin on his face. The good guys recoiled back in fear as they recognized this face all too well. Troll Spy was active...

" _What is wrong with his face?"_ Salem whispered down to Cinder, who could say nothing for she was frozen in fear.

Back to Troll Spy, the Chibi French dude snorted to himself the way Frenchman do as he jumped off the crate. No one said a single word as everything in the world waited to see the reveal of what was in the box. Their wait was short lived, as Spy kicked it open to reveal a beast the likes of which Remnant has ever seen.

Chibi Saxton Hale. The Australian menace looked around at the sea of terrified enemies with delight until his eyes laid on Salem. His reaction to seeing her was immediate and violent.

"Pale skin...red pupils...black eyes...white hair...HIPPIE!" Hale screamed, not minding that his apparent definition of Salem being a hippie made little sense. Let's just say that things went horribly for Salem and her goons. A so called 'fight' that was full of the bad guys screaming and monsters howling with the sound of heavy punches being heard above all.

When it was over, every single bad egg in Remnant lay piled up on top of each other with Salem at the highest point, Saxton Hale standing on her unconscious body,

"Well, looks like my job here is done!" Hale proudly declared as he dusted his hands off.

Then, he pointed a fist up into the air as if he were going to fly Superman style... and then he started flying Superman style. The good guys, who hadn't done a single thing in that fight since Hale wrecked them all by himself, simply watched in dumbfounded awe. All except for Spy, who snorted heartily in the way Frenchman do...


	17. FillerTest: RWBY Meets Team Classic

**A quick filler to ease the wait for when me and the team get the next chapter written out and this story continues. Also, this is a test. A test to see how my writing is after taking such a long break from doing so.**

 **This takes place in an alternate timeline of sorts.**

* * *

 **Mercs' House**

*RAPID KNOCKING*

"Hi Demoman!" Nora beamed cheerfully once the door was opened for her, smiling at the Scottish man on the other side.

However, something was different about his appearance this time around. Demoman was wearing a straw hat instead of his usual skullcap, and he was wearing a red vacation shirt with white tropical flower patterns on it alongside a pair of sandals and khaki shorts. He also had a pair of sunglasses on.

"Hello, lass." The man kindly greeted her with a nod. "Come right in. Make yourself at home."

"Sure!" The girl chirped.

Demoman led her inside the staff house where she soon saw that the other mercenaries were in a similar getup as Demoman. The mercs are going on a goddamn vacation! All of them were packing up their things and getting ready to return to Earth where they could hopefully relax in Hawaii or some other tropical setting like that. However, the vacation wasn't necessarily something that they decided to do on their own. There's apparently a policy or something in the Academy guidelines that the mercs didn't bother to read that says that the Kingdom of Vale requires that anyone in a teaching profession take at least a week off from work, and the mercs are no exception despite being not of this world. Not like any of them were complaining though, except for Sniper since that man is actually a workaholic.

Anyways, Nora was called over to their place so she could be the house sitter. Well, more appropriately, she _volunteered_ to be a house sitter even though the mercs never asked and there was no need for one. The mercs just let her do it anyway because of the unholy power of Nora's unwavering determination. She even fucking cheated and copied the tactic of puppy eyes from Ruby, and those damn things melted the hearts of the guys near instantly yesterday when they announced that they were taking a vacation to the class.

"Don't use the Teleporter unless it's an emergency, don't go in any of our rooms, don't go in the basement, don't touch anything that even looks a little dangerous, and none of those bloody parties you damn kids like to do..." Demo went on and on of the list of things that Ruby couldn't do. "Understand? _Not like I expect you to follow any of these rules though..._ " He said under his breath, but Nora heard him clear as day.

"Demmy!? My feelings!" The girl cried fakely, clutching her heart as if what he said actually hurt her. "I would never do something without your permission!"

"Hehehe... I'm sure you won't, ye little scamp..." He softly chuckled, ruffling up her hair. Nora couldn't help but chuckle as well as the man messed her hair up as if she was a child, playfully pushing his hand away.

"If I'm being completely honest with you lass, you can do whatever you want so long as it doesn't involve you gettin' in a big ole load of trouble." He told her, picking up his luggage. "And if you ever need us, the portal to Earth'll be right in the garage. Just turn it on, and it should take you right to us."

"Mhmm!" She hummed, nodding her head.

"That's a good girl..." He smiled, giving her a pat on the back.

Soon, Nora waved the mercs goodbye as she watched them enter the portal to Earth, and they did the same to her as well. The girl was amazed to see that the other side of the portal was a clean beach with crystal clear blue water gently rolling around with just as clear blue skies. She's only seen places like that on TV, and there was a part of her that wished she could go with them since a vacation to a nice tropical beach sounded really great. Not to mention it was on another world too!

* * *

 **Later, Vale**

"...So they gave you the keys to their house just like that?" Asked Yang.

"Yep!" Nora chirped, holding said keys up for everyone to see as Teams RWBY and JNPR walked together through the streets of Vale.

All the teens were doing today was taking a relaxing stroll in the city today, just hanging out together as friends after the rigorous work of Beacon Academy has been keeping them all real busy this past week. Pretty much the only times they could hang out for any meaningful amount of time was the mercs' class and lunchtime. Lunch was self-explanatory, but the mercs' class was because the guys have been 'teaching' some rather short 'lessons' that left them with about thirty minutes of class left. The lessons were nothing more than... well, unusually normal. The only thing the mercs had the teens do this past week was either fight each other, fight them, fight alongside them against each other, or fight alongside each other against them.

Maybe they were finally running out of crazy ideas to 'teach' the class as 'lessons'? Their students certainly didn't complain much...

"What exactly are you even going to do at their house, Nora?" Weiss asked, looking quite skeptical as she was quite certain Nora had some diabolical scheme planned. The heiress was not alone as everyone else thought much the same.

"Pfffffft! What kind of question is that? I'm just the house sit-"

"She wants to have a sleepover at their place." Said Ren blankly, the others letting out a sigh as that was pretty much what they were thinking as well.

"I wouldn't really call it a _sleepover_... BUT WE TOTALLY COULD IF WE WANTED TO! :D"

Nora was so predictable, but she was also so lovable. Of course she would want to have a sleepover there, but it was no doubt one where they would be messing with all of the mercs' stuff. Like it wasn't even a possibility, it was 100,000% going to happen if they went there tonight. It was so likely that it had a higher chance of happening than rolling a pair of dice where every single side is labeled the same number, and you land on that number.

The group of friends heartily laughed together at Nora's usual goofy antics, but that laughter soon stopped when the teens realized that a group of nine men approached them. The men were all grown adults with most of them appearing to be in their thirties to forties, and perhaps most unsettling of all, they were all wearing very military like equipment and clothing in blue urban camouflage. Right away did the teens have a bad feeling about these guys as they were almost projecting an aura of intimidation around them, and the fact that they were clearly coming straight for them didn't help.

"Hey kid..." The tallest and easily the most intimidating of the nine said to Ruby, in a rather aggressive tone. This dude was ripped with muscles all over his body, and he legitimately frightened the teens a little, especially the more squeamish of them like Ruby and Jaune.

"H-hey..." Ruby nervously greeted him, shakily giving a nod.

"We're looking for some old friends of ours, and I think you know something about them."

"Huh? What would Ruby know about them?" Yang said, standing between the guy and Ruby, glaring at the man. Soon it wasn't just Yang, but the rest of Team RWBY and Team JNPR as well stood in defense of their leader, all glaring at this rude person. They never seen him before, what gives him the right to be rude to them? The man merely glared back at them with his goggle covered eyes.

"Who are you guys anyway?" Demanded Weiss.

"Humph...We're Team Fortress." Went the man, a grin spreading across his face.

...

...

"...I'm sorry, what?" Blinked Jaune. This certainly came as a surprise... None of the teens were expecting this one bit and they were looking at each other back and forth in confusion. Whoever this man was and his goons were seemed to be well aware of the confusion, and he decided to properly introduce his unit to them.

"MEEEERCENARIES! FAALLL IN!" He shouted, and at once did his team stand straight at attention.

"M-mercenaries?" Pyrrha gasped in disbelief, the others looking just as shocked.

"That's right, kids. We're mercenaries." The large man said, grinning alongside his teammates.

"But... but you're not Team Fortress!" Ruby exclaimed, temporarily forgetting her fear.

"Yes we are kid, and you got one chance to tell us where those loser merc pals of yours are..." Threatened the man.

"What do you want with our friends!?" Ruby cried, extremely worried about why these pretenders would want with her good professors.

"None of your business. Now someone tell me where they are and no one gets hurt."

"As if! We're not gonna let you hurt our friends while they're out on vacation on Earth!" Shouted Nora defiantly, but then she covered her mouth when she realized she may have let out too much information.

"Nice one, Nora..." Sighed Yang.

"So... the losers are back on Earth... Heh, mind telling us where?"

The teens remained completely silent, their weapons ready to be drawn at any moment. Maybe they should have drawn their weapons sooner, as this man wasn't going to waste his time fucking around for an answer. Without any warning, he lunged forward and wrapped his powerful hands around Yang's throat with such speed that nobody had any time to react, brutalizing her without any remorse as she gasped for breath.

"I don't give a damn if you're just teenagers. Nobody gets in our way. Got that?"

"YANG!" Cried Ruby. Without any hesitation, she got Crescent Rose out in combat form and immediately swung at the man. The man reacted by using Yang as a shield to take the hit, and then he unceremoniously dealt a powerful kick on Yang that sent her crashing into her poor sister.

This was far more than enough to set the others off, and soon a full on fight was in session.

Teams RWBY and JNPR didn't know it, but they had the misfortune to encounter Team Classic (technically they are also known as Team Fortress but no one calls them that anymore). The predecessors of the current Team Fortress, and also the complete polar fucking opposites of their professors in practically every way imaginable. Where Team Fortress is silly, dysfunctional, and plain crazy, these guys are dead serious about what they do. They simply take their jobs as professional mercenaries way more seriously than anyone in Team Fortress ever will, including Spy and Sniper. All of them were ruthlessly efficient as whatever class they were, and it was clear that in comparison to how Team Fortress fights, there was no room for bullshit with these guys.

They had a very slight numbers advantage in how there was nine of them compared to Teams RWBY and JNPR's combined eight, but the fact that these guys are dead serious professionals was way more than enough for them to fight against the teens. Fuck man, these guys were so serious and efficient about their jobs that they weren't going to waste time fighting in one on one combat or taunting their enemies like how the guys in Team Fortress sometimes would.

So it shouldn't be very surprising then that they completely destroyed the poor teenagers in less than two minutes.

As soon as the fight had began, the Classic mercs quickly retreated backwards while shooting at the teens, forcing the teens themselves to stop charging with the overwhelming firepower on the Classic mercs' side. Then, the Classic Medic and Classic Scout simply tossed a couple cooked up Concussion Grenades and tossed it at the teens' feet where they exploded near instantly. The burst of sonic energy from the Concussion Grenades were very unexpected and they sent the teenagers flying all over the place, disorienting them to such a degree that they could barely fight back due to dizziness. With the teens effectively disabled, the Classic mercs went to finish them off.

And just like that, the fight was over.

The Classic mercs simply beat them all down without any regard for fairness or how these are just teenagers they were fighting here. The teens didn't have any serious injuries for the most part due to the help of their auras, but they were clearly beaten beyond any hope of recovering now.

"Humph. Stupid kids..." Scoffed Classic Heavy towards the teens. "Bea, grab the orange one. She sounds like she knows more about them."

"You got it, boss." Said the Classic Pyro, she and Classic Demoman going in and taking Nora by the arms before Team Classic quickly left the scene. Her friends were powerless to stop them as they were still extremely disoriented from the Concussion grenades combined with the savage beating the Classic gang gave them.

That fight was so quick, that the police hadn't even been notified of the public disturbance yet by the time the Classic team left.

" _W-wait..._ " Coughed Ruby through pained breathing, futilely watching as they took Nora away somewhere.

Then, Ruby saw something twinkle before her. There was a keychain right in front of her face as she laid on the cold street, the sounds of people calling for help around her. It was the keys to the mercs' place, undoubtedly knocked out of Nora's possession during that pitiful excuse for a fight. The last thing Ruby remembers before blacking out was taking hold of the keys and grabbing onto them tightly so she wouldn't lose them.

* * *

 **Again, this is a quick filler and a test to see how my writing is after so long.**

* * *

 **Quick Notes:**

 **Classic Heavy = Chevy**

 **Classic Scout = Greg**

 **Classic Soldier = Ross**

 **Classic Sniper = Virgil**

 **Classic Engineer = Fred**

 **Classic Pyro = Beatrice**

 **Classic Demoman = Also Greg**

 **Classic Medic = Name Unknown (Will be called Martin)**

 **Classic Spy = Name Unknown (Will be called Charles)**

 **Snegurochka/Снегу́рочка = Russian mythical character that appears in fairy tails as the granddaughter and helper of Ded Moroz, the Slavic Santa Claus. She is also known The Snow Maiden. Heavy has nicknamed Weiss as Snegurochka. Look up the name and see what she looks like to see why he would call her that.**

 **This fight is not representative of how a fight between Team Fortress with accompanying huntsmen against Team Classic would go down. This is merely written for the sake of testing myself out.**

 **Which is why I am skipping ahead in time since this is just me trying out writing again. All you need to know is that Team RWBY and friends travelled to Earth and showed the mercs Team Classic's message, Team Fortress got pissed, they return to Remnant immediately afterwards. You're not really missing much. Reason I'm cutting it so short is because if I wrote this out full length, it would be like three to four chapters that will just be replaced with the actual continuation coming soon.**

* * *

The Sun has set long ago in Vale, and it was now late at night with the moon hanging high above.

Teams RWBY, JPR, and Fortress approached Vale Harbor cautiously. There maybe sixteen of them, but Team Classic is more than clever and skilled enough to take them all on. Especially if what Team RWBY and company told them was true, then somehow the Classic mercs are younger and therefore in their fighting prime. This only meant that facing them would be all the more difficult since they were already old men when Team Fortress killed them the first time.

Who knows if they could handle Team Classic now?

"Remember kids, these wankers do _not_ mess around." Sniper quietly told them as his careful eyes scanned the surrounding area. "As soon as fighting starts, you have got to get Nora and leave."

"Ja, zis is our fight..." Medic trailed with a growl.

"It's our fight too, you know! Nobody attacks us and kidnaps our friends without getting away with it!" Declared Yang with the others agreeing wholeheartedly.

"I understand how y'all feel, but you already know that these fellas are too damn skilled for y'all to -"

*BANG*

Without any warning whatsoever, a gunshot rang out and it hit Engie right in the gut, causing the Texan to collapse on the ground immediately. The Texan screamed out in pain as he writhed on the ground like a worm.

"Enemy Sniper! Get behind something now!" Sniper barked as he, Ruby, Weiss, Blake, Yang, and Spy ducked behind a car. "Bloody bastard doesn't even have the decency to kill a man with a quick headshot. Bullet wasting bastard..." Growled Sniper, clutching his rifle close.

Heavy and Demoman pulled him behind another car with the three members of Team JPR, while the remaining mercs crowded behind anything else they could hide. They didn't know where Classic Sniper was, otherwise known as Virgil as that's his name, and no one wanted to peek out lest they risk getting shot.

"It's about time you showed up, losers!" Echoed the voice of Chevy. "Heh, I see you brought those stupid kids as backup!"

"Let Nora go, ye thieving bastards!" Demo screamed with anger, having the most attachment to Nora out of any of the mercs.

"Oh we'll let her go... After she and her friends watch you die! Girl wouldn't stop running her mouth off on how you were gonna come in here and kill us all. Didn't expect these kids to actually like you fucking rejects that much, but hey! I'm not complaining. That's just more salt in the wound when you see their sad faces with your dying last breaths..."

Wicked cackles came from multiple men nearby with Chevy laughing with them, and it was very unnerving to hear.

"Geez... these guys must really want you dead..." Jaune said fearfully.

"Well, we did kill zem all..." Shrugged Medic just before he shot a needle from the Crusader's Crossbow at Engineer. The huge needle landed right in Engie's neck where it magically healed him instantly, the man giving Medic a thanks in gratitude. "I mean, I literally sent zer souls to Hell..."

"I'm sorry, YOU WHAT!?" Yelled Blake in surprise.

"You heard him right, girlie! Your friends sent us to Hell! Now we're gonna send 'em there! MERCENARIES! ATTAAAACCCK!"

"Oh man, what do we do!?" Yelled Ruby.

"Fight..." Spy told her, but then his acute hearing her the distinctive sound of grenade pins being pulled. "GRENADES! MOVE!"

Everyone scrambled away from their cover as soon as grenades were tossed at them by the Classic team. They still didn't know where Virgil was, but he let out a shot aimed straight for Scout that barely missed. This was the shot that finally exposed his position as now Sniper was aiming to counter snipe the Classic Sniper, but that was temporarily put on hold when the grenades went off. The explosion of the grenades utterly destroyed the cars and caused one massive chain explosion when those cars blew up, causing merc and huntsmen alike to fly off from the sheer force of it.

Team Classic did not waste a second opening fire on them all as soon as they were out of cover. Rockets, grenades, nails, bullets, everything they got was thrown at Team Fortress and company for maximum firepower. There was so much being thrown at them that Team Fortress and RWBY had no choice but to fight back. Now unlike Team Fortress, Team Classic typically fights with more distance between them and their enemy instead of the close range that Team Fortress usually fights in. This is mostly because the Classic team is actually not that great in melee in comparison with Team Fortress. One of the many things they learned about their successor team is that they may be idiots, but they are beasts in close to medium range combat.

Also, no matter how much the Classic team hated it, the current mercenaries of Team Fortress are physically tougher than their equivalents in the Classic team as well as having a HUGE arsenal of weapons. Weapons that are for the most part superior to their Classic equivalents. That's why Team Classic wasn't going to let a single one of the mercenaries come closer as all they had to do was whittle them down with overwhelming firepower.

"Jaune! Get your team and follow me! We are going to find Nora..." Spy told the knightly boy as he fired his Revolver at Team Classic's position on the otherside of the harbor.

"R-right! Let's go guys!" Went Jaune, braving up as he and Team JNPR followed Spy with the other members of Team Fortress and Team RWBY covering them. Pyro also went with Spy despite not being told to, mostly because there wasn't a whole lot Pyro could effectively do here.

"Hey! Wait for me, crouton!" Scout yelled as he went to join them, popping a few more shots out of his Pistol as he went.

The Frenchman led them off to the left of the battlefield where he was aiming to find cover in a warehouse and potentially find Nora. That girl's got to be around here somewhere. Team Classic noticed this, and Chevy opened up on them with his Assault Cannon. Virgil noticed them as well and aimed for Spy's head, but his shot was thrown off when he quickly jerked his head to the side to avoid getting headshotted by Sniper.

"You're mine, you bloody piker!" Sniper yelled as he took aim again. A sniping duel soon took place between the Modern Sniper and Classic Sniper.

"Pyrrha! Shields!" Yelled Jaune, and soon he and Pyrrha were providing mobile cover and blocking Chevy's bullets as they ran inside the warehouse. The Classic Heavy didn't seem to mind though as he knew they weren't going to get far in there. All he had to worry about was making sure the psychoes in Team Fortress didn't get remotely close to them.

So far the fight was fairly even as Team Classic was able to defend their position from Team Fortress and their allies. The Classic Engineer had his Sentry Guns already set up, and despite being slower at tracking targets and firing than the Modern Sentry Gun, it still laid down some heavy surpressing fire on our heroes. The options were pretty limited here as Sniper was locked in a sniping duel with his Classic counterpart to snipe out Classic Heavy, and everyone else was too busy returning fire on Team Classic. Even Engineer was unable to set up his own Sentry Guns as they would simply get destroyed as they were deploying by the Classic Team.

"Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit!" Cursed Engie when his latest attempt at laying a Sentry was destroyed by a grenade from his dad, forcing him to use his body to shield Weiss from the blast as she was next to him. Engineer was damaged by it, but he was still up and ready to fight. "I hate you so much, pa!"

"I hate you too, you no good son of a bitch!" His father, the Classic Engie yelled from his side of the battlefield. "Tell your mother I still love her though!"

"I ain't telling her a damn thing!" Screamed Engineer in fury as he crawled off Weiss and began shooting towards the general location of his dad with his Pistol.

"Wait, he's your dad?" Weiss blinked in shocked confusion.

"Yep." Engie simply answered without looking away from where he was shooting, aiming specifically for his father. His father was shooting back at him with his Railgun, but one of Engie's bullets was lucky enough to hit his hand and cause him to drop the weapon.

" _AHHHHHHHHH!_ GODDAMN SON, THAT HURTS!" Classic Engie screamed as he clutched his hand in agony.

"IT SHOULD HURT, YOU YELLOW BELLY COWARD!"

"YOU STILL CAN'T SHOOT FOR SHIT, BOY!" His father screamed back at him as he hastily reached for the dropped Railgun with his other hand.

"SAYS THE MAN WHO'S HAND I JUST SHOT!" Engineer was going to yell at his dad some more when the man continued shooting at him with the Railgun, forcing Engie to duck down into cover. From there he continued to yell at his father for how he was such a coward for leaving the family behind, ignoring Weiss who was stuck with him. "No good bastard.."

"Wow... I didn't think Engineer would hate his dad this much..." Ruby quietly said while she and Yang were with Soldier and Demoman.

"I didn't think that other Engineer was his dad..." Added Yang.

"Ditto." Went Blake.

"Oy! Focus, girls! We got a fight here!" Demo told them with him and Soldier ducking under when a torrent of nails flew where their heads used to be.

The battle was a stalemate, and everyone on Team Fortress' side was getting tired of being pinned down here, and that included Team RWBY. Ruby didn't have much experience in an actual battle against Human opponents, much less highly trained professional mercenaries who rival Team Fortress, but the pressure was starting to get to her. She hated to admit it, but she was scared. If they lost this fight, they could lose everything here. Team Fortress would be killed, and who knows what Team Classic was going to them once Team Fortress is out of the way.

"Ruby? Hey! Snap out of it!" Her older sister Yang demanded as she shook Ruby around. "Come on! We got to do something! We can't just stand here and get shot at all day!"

"U-uh... R-right!" Stuttered the leader of Team RWBY, trying to ignore the deafening sounds of explosions and gunfire as she sat up straight with Crescent Rose in rifle form.

Reassessing the situation, she saw that the battle was a stalemate as said before. Team Classic's goal was to keep them at bay and wither them down with overwhelming firepower, and that tactic was working with the majority of Team Fortress pinned down and attempting to return fire as best they could. Ruby wasn't a tactician by any means, but even she understood that they couldn't stay here as Yang pointed out to her. The mercs understood this too, and she saw that Medic and Heavy were getting ready for a push with the Medigun being near full charge.

Team Classic on the other hand was fully aware of this as well, both of what Team Fortress had to do and their ability to Ubercharge. That's why just before Medic was able to activate the charge, Chevy ordered Classic Scout and Classic Medic to throw their Concussion Grenades to throw them off. Neither Heavy or Medic had much time to react before the force of the Concussion greandes caused Medic to go flying out into the middle of no man's land, right in the open. Heavy was sent in the opposite direction but he didn't fly as far due to being much heavier than the German, but his eyes still shot out wide when he saw Medic so vulnerable.

"DOCTOR!" Heavy screamed as he scrambled for his Medigun. Medic was struggling to get up on his feet so he can run back to safety, but the enemy team was already aiming for him.

Ruby's heart dropped, the fear returning immediately as she was afraid that she was going to witness Medic get torn to shreds before her very eyes. The same could be said for her other teammates as they looked on in horror. The mercenaries of Team Fortress may have been a cracy bunch, but the girls had grown attached to them and became quite fond of the psychoes over time.

And that's why without even thinking about it, Weiss shot herself forward with Myretenaster on its ice dust setting, and created a huge wall of ice as cover to save Medic. The wall of ice was so big, that it obscured the two sides from seeing each other as it literally cut the battlefield in half with its size. Everyone stopped shooting as now it was pointless too.

"Are you alright, doctor!?" The heiress worriedly asked the German who looked stunned to see that he wasn't killed yet.

"Ja! Vielen dank!" Whooped the man in joy as he wrapped his arms around Weiss in a big ole hug, laughing to himself.

Weiss' sudden wall of ice was a surprise to all combatants on the field. It shocked Team Classic who weren't expecting such a bold move, but it filled Teams Fortress and RWBY with hope. Seeing that it was now clear to move forward, Team RWBY and accompanying mercenaries regrouped with Medic and Weiss.

"Way to go, Weiss!" Cheered Ruby as her spirits were instantly restored.

"Nice work, trooper!" Congratulated Soldier as he gave her a jolly slap on the back, something that was rare from a guy like Soldier. "You'll make a great soldier in no time!" And it wasn't just Soldier at that, but everyone else was congratulating her as well.

"Yeah, smart thinking Ice Queen!" Yang went along with everyone else.

"Heh... Snegurochka! did good job" Heavy chuckled good naturedly with him throwing a hand over her shoulder.

"It was nothing really..." The heiress said proudly, slightly blushing a bit from the praise.

"Good work little lady, but we still got a fight to win. Team Classic's still behind this wall, and there ain't a single doubt in the world that they're gettin' ready for us. Everyone get patched up and grab some ammo. We gotta end this..." Said Engineer with all seriousness, and they nodded their heads as they knew he was absolutely right.

Then, gunfire erupted again, but this time it was coming from inside the warehouse that Spy led his little group into. Team RWBY gasped and were going to run in and help, but the mercs held them back.

"No. We need you here." Heavy told them as it was actually pretty much him who was holding them back. "They can handle themselves. Now get ready to attack."

* * *

Spy led his team inside the warehouse for two reasons. One was to find Nora, and the other reason was to hopefully flank Team Classic. Neither option came to be though as they got ambushed by Classic Spy, Pyro, and Scout who were waiting for them in here. Again, the Classic team wasn't stupid. They knew that eventually Team Fortress was going to send someone to flank around them through the warehouse, and so they had these three members waiting in here the whole time the firefight outside was happening. They didn't have to worry about the other flank as there was none. It was just the salty water of the sea.

They even installed a couple hidden turrets that popped out of random crates to support their defense. Double defense points for how the warehouse was cramped full of crates and shipping containers and junk.

Much like the guys outside, Spy's group was also pinned down. Except this was much worse as they were in tight conditions with few areas to move in and little room to run from grenades. Currently, Team JPR was holding position in the large middle corridor of the warehouse. They couldn't push forward as the turret fire was too much for them to block or move against, and so Jaune's team had no choice but to either stay there or fall back and lose ground. Meanwhile, the mercenaries who came with them were moving around the narrow corridors created by the boxes in an attempt to outflank the enemy team. Team JPR hoped it would be soon though as they didn't know how much longer they could hold against all these bullets.

"Ugh! Mister Spy!?" Jaune said through clenched teeth when he saw the Frenchman return to them. "I don't think we can stay here much longer!"

"Did you find any way around their defenses?" Pyrrha asked to which the Frenchman shook his head.

"Sadly, no. I'm sorry, but we have to fall back." He told them.

"What!? But we can't! Nora needs us!" Ren yelled, unable to control his emotions. Spy saw this and quickly held him down.

"Calm down. We'll get Nora, but just not now. We need to retreat and regroup." Said the Frenchman to Ren who was beginning to breathe heavily in frustration.

Without any further arguing, they began to fall back. However, Ren sensed something was off, and it had something to do with Spy. Taking a quick glance at the Frenchman who was behind them, his eyes went wide to see that he was about to plunge his knife down on Jaune in a backstab.

"JAUNE!" Ren yelled as he doubled back and attempted to land a kick on Spy. The merc responded by merely stepping to the side and punching the boy in the face after his attack missed, standing in fighting position.

"W-what!?" Gasped Jaune at seeing that he was almost killed by his own professor.

"What are you doing!? We're on your side!" Pyrrha yelled in disbelief.

Spy didn't say anything and merely dropped something that kinda looked like a pill with half a red side and the other half being a blue side. Then he immediately ran away as yellow gas starting tospew out of the pill thing, covering a surprised Team JPR. It was a hallucination grenade.

The grenade itself doesn't do any explosive damage, but it does do slight damage overtime with the poor teens feeling some pain from breathing the stuff in. However, the real threat of this special grenade type was that it caused hallucinations as the name suggested. Soon Team JPR were seeing rockets, grenades, nails, explosions, and gunfire that wasn't there.

"AHHHHHHH! HIT THE DECK!" Screamed Jaune as he believed the illusions. So did the other two members of his team as they didn't know if any of the things coming at them were real or not. Sometime a grenade would drop next to them and cause them to panic, but then it wll just vanish as if it was made of mist. Other times an explosion would blow up in their faces and would scare the fuck out of them, but it did no damage whatsoever as it wasn't real.

"What's going on!?" Ren yelled as she found herself kicking away grenades that weren't even there.

The teens had figured out already to get out of the yellow gas since it was literally painful to breath, but the effects of the hallucination grenade were still on them. That's why when Spy suddenly appeared again in front of Pyrrha, Pyrrha shrieked and socked him hard in the face. The girl was expecting him to be a hallucination, but it turned out that it was an actual thing this time. Which may not have been a bad thing, as the warrior girl firmly planted a heel on the fallen Spy despite all the hallucinations still messing with her head.

"Argh! What was that for!?" Spy yelled.

"Why did you betray us!?" Pyrrha yelled back with her weapon in rifle form pointed at his head.

"I didn't..." Spy said in response, but it wasn't coming from the man she was standing on. Looking up, Pyrrha was shocked to see that there was another Spy standing right there! "That man is the Classic Spy in disguise. Kill him." The Frenchman said coldly.

"What!? No! Don't listen to him! Kill him instead!" The Spy Pyrrha was standing on begged as he squirmed like a worm under her foot. The warrior girl didn't know what to believe. She didn't know if this other Spy she was seeing a hallucination or not, but she also couldn't trust the one she had at her mercy right now.

"Come on! Do it now! We can't waste any more time!" Ordered the other Spy, but Pyrrha still hesitated with all this pressure building on her. Jaune and Ren weren't of much help as they were still freaking out from all the illusions, and Jaune was so shooken up that he was hiding behind his shield until it all went away. "KILL HIM NOW!"

In a moment of peer pressure, Pyrrha accidentally fired her gun when Spy's scream scared the Hell out of her. However, the bullet did not go through the man's brain as he had tilted his head to the side at the last moment. From here he grabbed Pyrrha's foot and twisted it around, causing the girl to fall to the side where he the man then got up to his feet. Pyrrha was shocked and tried to react by swinging around and bashing the butt of her gun against his face, but no such thing happened when he dodged and grabbed the rifle, taking it for himself.

Pyrrha was expecting the man to use it against her, but he instead started shooting at Spy where he then ran away, turning into a cloud of mist where it was revealed that he indeed was a Spy, but the Classic Spy!

"No..." Pyrrha gasped, falling to her knees in despair at realizing what she almost just did. She came within a hair of murdering her professor unknowingly, and she was starting to break down, tears softly forming at her eyes.

"Get up, Ms. Nikos..." Real Spy told her, handing her weapon back. "It's alright. I forgive you, but this is no time to break now."

" _I-I al... almost..._ " She sobbed, but Spy hushed her when he realized that she was too shaken up to fight. By this time, the effects of the hallucinations were wearing off.

"Shhhh... calm down, Pyrrha. Everything's alright." Spy told her once again, this time giving her a hug in reassurance. He knew that he had precious little time for hugs though as his Classic counterpart was running around somewhere in here, and he wanted nothing more than to kill the bastard. "Jaune, take care of Pyrrha. Ren, come with me. It's time to end this..."

"Right!" Both boys said in unison, doing what they were told to do.

As Jaune stayed with the crying Pyrrha, Ren and Spy went to look around for a side passage to flank the box turrets. They saw no signs of the other mercenaries in here, but they could definitely hear the sounds of them fighting nearby. Soon, they ran into Scout.

"Oh, hey Spy. I - OW!" The Boston kid went before Spy socked him in the face. Ren didn't know anything else to think other than that Spy somehow sensed that Scout was actually the enemy Spy, and so he also punched Scout in the face. "WAIT WAIT WAIT! IT'S ME! I'M ON YOUR SIDE!"

"I know you are..." Spy shrugged, casually continuing to move as his son covered a bloody nose. Ren looked awfully surprised to see that he just hit his professor.

"Ugh! I freakin' hate you so much!" Yelled Scout.

"Tell me something I don't know."

"Yeah? Well here's somethin' for ya!" He paused a bit as he went to go get something behind a crate, and he revealed an unconscious Classic Scout! "I captured the enemy Scout and bashed his face in!"

"Hmm? How did you manage this?" Spy asked.

"Honestly, it wasn't that big a deal. No seriously, this guy's really weak compared to me." Scout shrugged, giving his unconscious counterpart a solid kick to the stomach. "He ain't a match for _THE_ one and only Scout."

Then, even more surprising was the bloody body of the Classic Pyro being dropped next to them with Modern Pyro coming into the scene, it's Fire Axe covered in blood. Beatrice the Classic Pyro was barely alive, having just enough energy to take her mask off where Ren was surprised to see that she was a woman gasping for breath.

"Mphmm." Pyro muffled.

"Excellent work Pyro, but we still have to deal with those turrets."

"Mro? Mhpmh hmphm phmm..." Pyro said. The pyromaniac then grabbed the grenades off of Beatrice and casually tossed them over its shoulder without even looking where they were going. Seconds afterwards, the grenades all blew up. "Mphmhm phmvedfed!" Chirped Pyro.

"Problem solved?" Spy said, peeking out to see what Pyro was talking about with Ren.

"Oh... problem solved..." Ren trailed, marveling at how Pyro single-handedly took out every single hidden turret without even looking. At the other end of the warehourse, they could see Classic Spy moving, but he wasn't moving alone...

"NORA!" Cried Ren as he saw Classic Spy escaping with a tied up Nora in carry.

The girl's mouth was still covered, but she still let out muffled cries at seeing her friends agains and tried to struggle as much as she could. Seeing Nora again filled Ren with so much emotion that he ran ahead without a second thought, and seeing nothing better to do, the mercs packed up the two fallen Classic mercs and followed. Jaune and Pyrrha were on their way over when this was going down, and the warrior girl was ready to fight again despite still being so shaken.

* * *

When they got outside the warehouse, they found that the battle outside had resumed. This time, Team Fortress had the upper hand as they were in much more comfortable fighting range. That and with the support of Team RWBY, they were pushing Team Classic all the way to the edge of the harbor where they soon had their backs against the waterline. There was nothing the Classic team could do except for trying to ward their enemies off with grenades and firepower, but even that was not becoming a feasible option as the mercs were beginning to close in melee range.

That all changed when Classic Spy brought in Nora though. The situation was flipped upside down as everyone stopped fighting, Team RWBY and friends horrified to see that Nora's life was on the line right now. The remaining members of Team Classic regrouped around Classic Demoman as he had been given Nora, his Single Shotgun up against her head.

"Game's over, boys! You and your kiddie friends better drop your weapons or else Greg here will blow her brains out!" Chevy grinned evilly, but that grin went away when he saw Spy point his Revolver at Classic Scout's head and the near dead Beatrice carried by Pyro.

"Ha! Looks like _YOU_ will be dropping your weapons! Surrender now and we will kill you all quickly!" Laughed Soldier, he and the teens with their spirits high and weapons pointed at the Classic team.

"Goddamnit... where the Hell is Virgil?" Chevy cursed.

"Ah, he's dead mate. Put a bullet right between his eyes like I did last time." Sniper proudly proclaimed.

"You killed Virgil!?" Chevy raged, hating the thought of losing more of his men and close friends to Team Fortress.

"Yeah. His body's over there if you wanna see it." Shrugged Sniper. While the teens never could get quite used to how the mercs are casual killers and such, they knew that it was justified in this situation. Still, the more squeamish ones like Ruby felt uncomfortable about it.

Chevy was absolutely pissed. How could they lose again!? They were brought back to life, and made younger so that they were in their full fighting prime. A second chance to beat the losers known that replaced them with much better chances, and they still lost! Why!? How does the worst team of mercenaries in the world defeat one of the best mercenary teams in the world!? **TWICE!? _FUCKING TWICE!?_**

" _Greg, kill the girl..._ "

"Huh?" Went Classic Demoman.

" _I said kill her..._ "

"You sure, boss? She's the only thing keeping those-"

" **KILL HER!** "

*BANG*

"NO!" Every one of our heroes cried out all at once.

A blast from the Single-Shotgun hit Nora's head full force, but she looked perfectly fine. Everyone including Team Classic looked quite surprised that it didn't kill her. This miracle can actually be simply explained by two things: the Single-Shotgun is extremely weak even against regular people, and Nora's aura was more than strong enough to handle it.

"SHOOT HER AGAIN!" Chevy screamed.

They weren't going to give Greg, as that is what we will be calling him to avoid confusion, a chance though as they all acted quickly. Sniper was quick on the draw and he immediately shot the weapon out of Classic Demoman's hands. Then we jump to Modern Demoman who equipped the Chargin' Targe and rushed straight towards his Classic counterpart with Ren hot on his heels. Spy unceremoniously executed Classic Scout without a second thought, and Beatrice already died from blood loss at this point. From here it all devolved into violence once again, but this time Team Classic wasn't going to survive.

While the others overwhelmed the weakened surviving members of Team Classic, Demoman crashed right into his Classic counterpart and socked him right in the face. He was too angry to even consider using a melee weapon at this point since this guy had the balls to hurt Nora, and you all know how much Demo cares for that girl. While Demoman was fighting the other Demoman, Ren was setting Nora free.

Classic Demoman attempted to defend himself against his angry Scottish counterpart with his Crowbar, but Demoman caught the piece of metal when it was swung at him and tossed it aside. Greg then swung at Demoman with a right hook which hit Demo square in the jaw, and he then followed it up with a straught punch to the face. The attack missed this time, and Greg was painfully aware of this when Demoman headbutted him and began furiously bashing his head back and forth with his fists. There was no hope of fighting back for him now...

Soon, Greg was barely conscious as his face was bruised and bloody from Demoman's wrath. He soon slowed down and was barely able to move as he was unable to feel anything in his body. However, before he lost consciousness, his eyes shot open and he was fully alert again when Demoman pulled the pins on every grenade on his vest.

With a wicked smile, Demoman lifted him up and tossed him into the water.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed Greg before a huge explosive rocked the area and huge splashes of water were sent everwhere, soaking everyone. The explosion was so powerful, that the man known as the Classic Demoman was completely incinerated with no trace of him anywhere in the water. Demoman stood victorious, laughing to himself at watching his rival's death.

"Ren!" Nora cried in joy as soon as she was freed, jumping onto her best friend.

"Nora!" Ren cried back, openly accepting Nora's loving hug.

With Nora saved, this adventure was pretty much over. All the members of Team Classic had been killed already by the mercs. That is, all except one. Classic Heavy was made a final last stand against Teams RWBY, JNPR, and Fortress all by himself. His body was covered in fresh gashes and his own blood, but he was still fighting on despite having absolutely no hope of winning. He was just too enraged to give in and die from his injuries already.

"I WON'T LOSE TO YOU JACKASSES AGAIN!" He roared defiantly despite his body already beginning to fail him, falling on his knees as his legs couldn't hold him up anymore.

"Too bad for you then." Modern Heavy said carelessly, revving up his Minigun.

The eight others of Team Fortress formed a very loose line where they were going to execute Classic Heavy like a firing squad. Again, the teens were still not used to this kind of ultra violence, but they knew there was nothing they could do to stop it. Even if they _wanted_ to, of course. And so, Teams RWBY and JNPR looked away moments before the roaring sounds of mass gunfire greeted their ears.

" _ **ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!**_ " They heard Chevy scream out, and if they were watching, they would see him get absolutely shredded by the gunfire before his lifeless corpse fell backwards into the water.

"Humph... Guess that settles that then." Engie shrugged once the deed was done.

"Yes indeed... Come on. Let's dump the rest of their bodies into the sea." Ordered Spy to his team.

"Are you alright, lass?" Demo asked Nora with concern as she was still holding onto Ren.

"Mhmm! Thanks to you, Demmy!" She cheered, jumping from Ren to Demoman as she was also glad to see her bomb buddy again. Demoman and Nora chuckled together as the peppy girl ran her mouth off about how scary this little episode was, but in the end she couldn't help but voice how glad she was that her friends came to her rescue.

"Man... this was pretty crazy..." Yang sighed as she stood with her team next to Heavy who was eating a Sandvich to heal up. "You know... I think we kinda deserve a break from all this..." She trailed, her friends and the mercs raising a brow at her. "Maybe we can go somewhere with a beach, an ocean, and a lot of sun..." The dragon girl kept going, everyone narrowing their eyes as they were realizing where this was going. "Kinda like we're going on a... *ahem*... _vacation_."

"A vacation does sound kinda nice right about now." Blake admitted.

The other teens started mumbling about how that was actually not a bad suggestion at all, and the mercs were just looking at each other on if they should or not. The final decision was made when soon they all crowded around the mercs, giving their best impression of Ruby's puppy eyes in order to sway the mercs' hearts.

Considering what the kids just went through with the mercs though, the mercenaries weren't going to say no either way, with or without puppy eyes.

* * *

 **Hawaii, United States of America. A couple days later.**

Well it looks like there's a happy ending to this after all. Team Classic was defeated and were sent right back to Hell, and now the vicctorious teams were enjoying themselves with some fun in the sun on the beautiful beaches of Hawaii.

The mercenaries donned white tanktops, red Hawaiian flower shirts, and red swimming trunks once again as they brought their students along with them this time. But... it wasn't just Team RWBY and Team JNPR they brought along. No... when our heroes made it back to the academy, some of the teens (as in Nora) couldn't keep their mouths shut.

So when the mercs opened their door to let Teams RWBY and JNPR in, they found an ocean of young students dressed for some fun in the beach.

Next thing they knew, the mercenaries ended up bringing dozens if not at least one hundred students with them to Earth. In fact, there were some many students here that I am certain that over 60% of them weren't even enrolled in their class and were just random students wanting an excuse to leave school. The mercs didn't mind though so long as they didn't fuck anything up.

And now here we are. Somewhere around 100+ teenage students from a world where they are training to fight evil monsters hanging out on a Hawaiian beach on Earth with nine crazy mercenaries.

I'd say that's a pretty happy ending.

* * *

 **Indeed I do.**

 **So when I said this was a test, I meant this was for a test to see if I could sit down and find the spirit I used to feel back then, and I'm happy to say that I declare that i passed it. So again, it's not necessarily a test on storytelling or writing skill, but more like me trying to find the spirit again.**

 **Anyways, continuation chapter will be written during this weekend and expect the return to happen either by Sunday or Monday. Second version is put on hold indefinitely.**

 **More details will be disclosed when the actual continuation chapter comes out.**


	18. Super Late April Fools' Joke Post

**I missed April Fools' day. By a lot. I'm talking above an entire month by now.**

 **I don't normally miss April Fools' day as that day gives me an excuse to write the stupidest shit I can think of, but uh... problems arose that made me forget about it. Here's a bunch of short joke stories to make up for it. Granted some of these may not actually be jokes but enjoy them regardless. I had fun writing it at least.**

* * *

 **Your Standard Low Effort Smexual Good Stuff**

Okay, so like our story on the BattlePC, right? And then uh... um, you know how like it's Steam 'n shit and we got like all the series on it? Well one day, some crazy shit happened on the BattlePC. Gaben wasn't there as he was doing IRL stuff. So it started when the super cute Neptune from Hyperdimension Neptunia nepped into the BattlePC with all of her friends.

"Wow, so many people from things and stuff I never know." Derped one of them, I dunno, pick one.

"Hey faggot." Claptrap from Borderlands rolled up to the girls. "I think you're fockin' cute."

"Why thank you, frend!" Nep nepped, patting the robot's eye.

"Yeh." He said before rolling away to fuck off and get drunk.

Her spirits super up high, she ran up to a random group of character to introduce herself. That being Team Fortress, Team RWBY, and some other characters. "Hi! Want to be friends?"

"Yeah." They answered all at once.

And so they all happily became friends and hung out with each other. For like twelve minutes, as all Hell broke loose in the BattlePC. It began when they were having a poker tournament between several different characters. Dallas from PAYDAY lost this tournament, and he got like super pissed.

"I'm super pissed." He repeated after me like a good guy. Then without warning, he got his gun out and shot Commander Shepard in the face as he was next to him.

"Oh. I'm dead." Shepard said before getting out of his seat and calmly laying down on the floor, dead.

Dallas committed a crime so severe that it triggered every single Counter-Terrorists came down on his position so hard that it was like a literal flood of bodies flowing into the poker room and washing everything away. All the AWPers fucking put like eight thousand headshots into Dallas' body and he fell to the floor, bleeding out.

"AHHHHHHH I NEED A MEDIC BAG!" He screamed, despite not having a head anymore.

"We gotchu fam." Said the whole PAYDAY crew as they came in and fought the CTs. This triggered the Terrorists from Counter-Strike though, and they joined the PAYDAY crew against their ancient enemies. Terrorists were running around with the bombs, having no idea what to do with them as they couldn't find any big red circled X's to plant them in. Then eventually, the operators from Rainbow Six got involved to as they got so mad at the Terrorists for not knowing what to do with the bomb that they were going to plant the bomb themselves.

"Wow this is pretty cool." Ruby said, eating popcorn with her friends while the other characters on the BattlePC just watched the fight go down as they were neutral.

"Do you know what would be even cooler?" Said Neptune. Not even waiting for a response, she used her Stand. "ZA WARUDO!" All time froze, and Neptune laughed evilly as she was an evil little nugget this whole time. "HAHAHA! YOU THOUGHT I WAS NEPTUNE, BUT IT WAS **ME!** EVIL NEPTUNE!"

"That's where you're wrong, guy..." Claptrap rolled up to her, all drunk and not frozen like everyone else.

"N-NANI!?"

"That's right motherfucker." Claptrap's little robot arm tapped his eyeball, and his robot body unfolded and collapsed into a little cube. That's it. Literally nothing else happened and Evil Neptune was just looking at it in confusion. "I can transform into a cube exempt from time and space."

"Huh... okay." She shrugged, raising her foot and crushing the cube like a soda can.

"Damn." Claptrap cursed as he died, but robots aren't actually alive so I guess he's fine.

"That was easy. Now to do evil things!" Evil Nep laughed like a villain because she was one and liked to do evil things. So her first evil act was to pat the head of all the frozen people here, but before she can do that, someone attacked her with a stand.

" _ **ORA!**_ " Someone shouted as she got punched in the face so hard, the physics engine was unable to process the speed she travelled and so it looked like she teleported across the BattlePC with a bloody nose. Time suddenly resumed and the fight between those other guys continued.

"Yare yare daze, motherfucker..." Ruby sighed, her stand Rose Platinum next to her. "No more Jojo references."

"Okay friend!" Evil Nep nepped happily, putting her stand away. "Hey we should fight. Like, all of us should! It's going to be fun!"

"Sure." She shrugged, unfolding Crescent Rose and deciding to shoot a round at Tachanka from Rainbow Six for no reason. His armor was too stronk and it fucked right off right before hitting him as it didn't want to hurt himself, and the Russian looked at Ruby angrily.

"тача́нка." He said, rolling his DP-28 to fill Ruby full of holes, upsetting her.

"Ah, I got shot." She whined.

"No fucking shit, moron." Tachanka said, continuing to fill her with more bullets.

Right right right, so more of this went on, just a lot of fighting, a bunch of characters died, and the fight ended once everyone got bored.

That is the end of that story. I have spent five centuries writing this. This is the pinnacle of human evolution. The apex of all writing.

Like and subscribe.

* * *

 **Hungry Nora = Scary Nora**

"Nora, have you seen my weapons?" Ren asked his best friend, Nora Valkyrie, who was sitting in their dorm room watching TV. For whatever reason, she didn't turn to look at him or give any sign that she heard him at all, only continuing to watch the TV. Though, strangely there was nothing on the TV. It was turned on, but it was just a blank white screen with nothing interesting on it.

"...Nora?" Ren said warily, getting a little spooked about this highly unusual-

"Yes, Ren?" He heard Nora's voice say, but it didn't sound like it came from the girl sitting on the couch. It sounded more like it came from everywhere at once like the voice of a disembodied ghost.

"Uh... have you..." He paused, beginning to feel real uneasy. "...Have you seen my weapons?"

"I am your weapons, Ren." She answered, but this time the direction of the voice was to his left, and there were the dual pistols of Stormflower lying on the counter. Blinking his eyes as disbelief as he swore they weren't there a second ago, as well as that super strange answer Nora gave him...

"Thank you..." Ren said, grabbing his weapons quickly as he had a suspicion that being here any longer than necessary will end badly for him.

"I can taste your fear, Ren." Nora said again, but this time it came from where she actually was. Shooting his head back to look at her, Ren suppressed the urge to run when he saw she had finally turned to face him. She had a sweet smile on her face, but considering what's happening now there must be something inconceivably dark underneath it. "I am your fear, Ren."

"Y-yeah... you really are." He agreed as that was obvious, beginning to sweat a bit as this was getting too creepy even for him. Without further delay, he turned back and walked as fast and as calmly as he could to the door to leave her presence. He placed a hand on the doorknob, opened the door, and let out a scream of utter horror at seeing who was waiting for him on the other side.

"There is no leaving me, Ren." Nora said, the smile remaning unchanged despite Ren's outburst.

Continuing to scream in terror as there was something very **VERY** wrong with Nora, Ren ran the complete opposite direction and hoped to jump out the window. That hope was dashed when his own weapons flew off of him and tripped him as they swept past his feet. He hit the floor with a loud thud, and flopped around hastily to see that his weapons were hovering above him, but there was something different about them...

"I told you, Ren. I am your weapons, Ren." His weapons both said in Nora's voice, Ren's heart dropping as he saw there were little stickers of Nora's face on the slides of his pistols, and they were moving! "There is no escaping me, Ren." All the Nora's said in the same disembodied voice.

"N-nora! What is happening to you!?" He cried.

"There is nothing happening to me, Ren." The Nora's answered all at once, the couch Nora standing up to join in on this. Then, to his unspeakable horror, he watched as the Nora's began MULTIPLYING! They multiplied so quickly that they filled the entire room in only thirty seconds, and all of them had the same menacing smile of innocence.

"You liar! T-there is something wrong with you! Whatever i-it is, stop it! You're scaring me!" Ren shouted, curling himself into a ball and screaming in terror as they all took a step closer to him in perfect synchronization.

"There is nothing wrong with me, Ren." They all said at once, taking another synchronized step toward him. "I am your friend, Ren." They said, another synchronized step forward. "You shouldn't be afraid, Ren." Yet another step taken, causing Ren's heart to beat faster as he was rapidly losing personal space.

All the Nora's opened their mouths together to say another thing, but then... their stomachs growled, causing all of them to look down at their bellies. For the first time since he's seen it, the smiles all dropped and were replaced with a surprised look. Ren, while still afraid, sat there awkwardly for a bit as the Nora's remained still, looking at their bellies.

"I'm hungry, Ren." Nora said in a whimper. Without warning, they all pounced on top of him at once and yelled out a phrase that always breaks the poor boy when he hears it...

 _"MAKE ME PANCAKES, REN!"_

" _AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_ OKAY NORA! I'LL MAKE YOU PANCAKES!" He screamed in the purest most genuine shriek of terror one can ever hear in their lifetime. Then out of nowhere, all the Nora's disappeared instantly like in the blink of an eye, leaving only one happy Nora left.

"Thank you, Ren!" The apparently real Nora cheered, giving him a hug and lifting him up to his feet. "You're my bestest friend, Ren!" She beamed.

Ren didn't say anything, his face completely devoid of any emotion as he realized what just happened. **_It_** happened again... That awful traumatic experience that happens whenever Nora is hungry and is in need of sustenance in the form of pancakes. Deciding not to question it, he wordlessly went into the kitchen to make some pancakes, much to her absolute joy.

* * *

 **A Horrible Alternate Multiverse**

 **WARNING: TACTICAL CRINGE INBOUND!**

Welcome to Beacon Academy!

Except... this wasn't the Beacon Academy that you and I are familiar with. Where standard Beacon Academy is a place to train huntsmen for the world of Remnant, this version of Beacon Academy trains warriors from all across the myriad spectrum of worlds in the Void. How did this all come to be? Allow me to explain a fairly standard plot for most battle academy anime except not really since this is really pushing it.

Five years ago, the Great War Of The Void was fought when various Japanese visual entertainment companies discovered how to travel the Void and built vast fleets of voidships to establish control over the Void. However, these companies weren't content with sharing the Void despite how it is literally infinite, and violence soon escalated into a secret war of enormous proportions completely unknown to the people of Earth. Enormous fleets of voidships fought each other over every world owned by these companies, and this would continue for a few months until the companies realized that none of them had the economic power to sustain any long wars.

Then, an American entertainment company called Roosterteeth created an animesque show called "RWBY". Great debates on Earth rose up whether RWBY was truly an anime and not, and it got so bad that it threatened to end in total annihlation of humanity on Earth as the fans got more and more violent in their arguing. Seeking to save the world and end these dangerous debates, the Japanese companies all signed a truce and declared war on Roosterteeth, going after their properties with RWBY being the main target of the invasion. Roosterteeth built up their own fleet of voidships, but they can only last so long against the overwhelming combined force of all these Japanese companies coming down on them.

In basically no time at all, Roosterteeth was utterly crushed in the war and was forced to accept the terms of surrender. The terms were simply that Roosterteeth handed over RWBY to these companies and kept control of all their other properties, but they had to pay 25% of all money earned to the Japanese.

Upon acquiring RWBY, the Japanese actually didn't know what to do with it. None of the companies could decide which one should handle the series, and the debates went on for about a month until they all came to an agreement. Instead of leaving RWBY to one company, why not _all_ the companies?

With that said, it was agreed that under the guidance of all the companies, so much anime, manga, and Japanese game influence will be pumped into RWBY that it is completely unrecognizable from how we know it. Soon, RWBY became so anime-like that the debates ended completely as it pretty much was a true anime at this point. It wasn't even called RWBY anymore as it was replaced with a name that was so Japanese that I couldn't type out the full title in English words because it would be too long.

The world was saved. All thanks to a bunch of Japanese companies secretly defeating Roosterteeth in a Void war.

Oh right, and what is this alternate RWBY like? Well... let me just show you instead of telling you.

" _KYAAA!_ You got my clothes all dirty, Setsuna-chan!" Shrieked a distressed, Ikuko, both girls being students of the prestigious battle school known as Beacon Academy where teenagers go to learn how to fight monsters to protect the world. Here they can master a variety of skills that cater to their liking. Skills such as piloting mechs, military hardware, magic, superpowers, and many others.

"Whoopsie~... looks like you're gonna need to take your shirt off then!~" Drooled the really pervy girl known as Setsuna, her grubby fingers twitching as she closed in on her friend.

"A-ah!? NO! St-stop! That tickles!" Giggled Ikuko as Setsuna slipped her shirt off, attracting a crowd of boys with cameras surround her, all their noses bleeding as they watched Setsuna fondle her friend.

Okay... I think that's enough of that. That single glimpse may give you a pretty good idea what this alternate Remnant is like. I dare not go any further into the details as my fucking balls will fall off from shrinking in cringe, my guys.

(...)

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to all the hapless anime as fuck inhabitants of alternate Remnant, an enormous curb stomp of a battle was occuring in the Void outside the portal leading to their world. The entire fleet composed of thousands of voidships from the combined Japanese companies engaged a hostile force that attacked them for seemingly no reason.

The motherfucking BattlePC Expeditionary Force. Gabe Newell has come to put a stop to this damn heresy...

It didn't matter how powerful or how many of the voidships there were, they stood no chance of winning of the battle as the BattlePC and its massive escort fleet comprised of ships from the many series on the platform. Upon cleaning out the enemy fleet and sending their asses back to Japan, the fleet remained outside of the alternate Remnant portal.

"Lord Sir Gabus Newellian. What is the reasoning for coming to this world?" A nondescript Space Marine from Warhammer 40K asked the savior of PC gaming. He and many other characters gathered in the massive war room of the BattlePC where huge flatscreen monitors displayed scans of alternate Remnant.

Gabe Newell gave no answer and simply pressed a button. The pushing of this button led to all the monitors of the BattlePC to show scenes taking place within the world as they spoke, and the images horrified them. Scenes from the most lowest common denominator ass cheapest assembly of Japanese anime tropes all forced into one of the worst anime ever seen, and among them were Setsuna fondling Ikuko's breasts... That is, from a technical standpoint it's really bad. This alternate RWBY is so popular despite its flaws that it has completely overtaken the Japanese entertainment industry and is the hottest thing in the world.

"Dear Emperor..." The Space Marine gasped, somehow feeling dread at seeing something so awful. "WHAT KIND OF SLAANESHI FAGGOTRY IS THIS!?"

"You know what this means..." Said an emotionless Gabe, himself feeling absolutely awful at seeing this.

"EXTERMINATUS!"

"No..." Gabe said, causing the Space Marine to look at him and wonder what else he could possibly have in mind. "An exterminatus will destroy all the money in that world..."

"Then what do you suggest, my lord?"

"What else?" Gabe grinned, brandishing his legendary Banhammer. Turning to face the crowd of assembled BattlePC members who volunteered to take part in this, he began his speech. "I thank you all today for coming, though I have to apologize for showing this fucking disgusting garbage. Seriously, I really am sorry." He apologized with all sincerity. "But as you can see here, this trash must be destroyed. Not only is it literally making anyone who watches it devolve into simple-minded cavemen, but it is also making me lose money because people are more interested in this shit than motherfucking Steam sales!"

The entire crowd gasped in disbelief. How can anything be more popular than Steam sales? Let alone this!?

"So as President of Valve, I ask all of you who volunteered to come with me down into that world and take as much money as we can!" The crowd didn't have much reaction to that. No enthusiasm, no nothing. Just silence. "... AND THEN WE'LL DESTROY IT!"

" ** _YEEEEAAAAH!_** "

(...)

"Geez Setsuna, why did you have to squeeze my boobs that hard, huh?" Whined Ikuko as she and her pervy friend walked to class.

"Ah well, it's not my fault that your boobies are so fun to grab.~" Snickered the girl, causing Ikuko to blush. Then without warning, a rather fat white man with a grey beard slammed into the ground in front of them, landing perfectly on his two feet despite hitting the ground with so much force that it sent a shockwave throughout the entire planet.

"Whoa! Who are you?" Ikuko asked, seemingly not as afraid as she really should be. The man had no response. He merely glared menacingly at the girl as a large yellow hammer materialized in his right hand. Noticeably, it had the English word "BAN" written on the head in big black letters.

"BEGONE, THOTS!" Gaben screamed with primal fury, swinging his hammer at them so fast that they didn't even know they got attacked. Contact with a swing from the banhammer leads to the target instantly disappearing and banished into the Void, unable to return to the world they were banned from.

Then from the heavens, hundreds of portals opened up as the invasion force poured in to cause untold havoc and destruction on this filthy world. In particular, a chapter of Space Marines unique to the BattlePC called "Gaben's Banners" landed in hundreds of drop pods for quick insertion into the battlefield, all of them more then willing to scrub this world free of heresy.

(...)

"Wow... glad I'm not a part of that..." Ruby said in disbelief, watching the battles on the world progress through a TV screen. She came to the BattlePC with her friends to hand out in this place and maybe even meet new people aside from Team Fortress, but they never thought they would get to witness a world invasion.

"And that place is supposed to be Remnant? Like, our Remnant but _waaaaay_ different?" Said Yang as she still couldn't believe that part when she heard it. It didn't feel right at all looking at this other world. Sure it was an alternate Remnant, but even from someone not from actual Remnant was this place unpleasant to look at.

The group pasued and watched some of the live recordings of the battle on the surface, Gabe Newell effortlessly defeating every opponent who opposed him and his forces with a single touch from the Banhammer. Since the Banhammer banished those hit by it into the Void, warships and on-station defenses vaporized anyone whisked away from that world and into the Void.

"You know... I still have trouble understanding this. How does this place even exist if we're still owned by Roosterteeth?" Blake asked.

"Because..." Said Gaben from the screen, looking straight at it as if he heard what she said. "This is an alternate multiverse altogether, and I have crossed the Voidal gap between them to invade this one. Starting with this world!"

"PURGE THE HERETICS!" The Space Marines around him roared.

"Oh... okay then. He can hear us through the screen..." Trailed Blake, just as dumbfounded as everyone else.

"Yeah." Gabe nodded, continuing to slaughter the anime as normal.

"Wait, hold on a second... if this is an alternate multiverse... then does that mean this multiverse has their own version of the BattlePC?" Weiss wondered, causing Gaben to freeze.

Ignoring the attacks on his unstoppably flawless godly skin, his eyes widened and his jaw dropped. "Oh my God..." He said under his breath. Just then, a massive object came out of hyperspace and appeared close to the BattlePC with is own escort fleet. That object was the Crunchyroll Super Dreadnought Computer, this multiverse's version of the BattlePC. Immediately, Gaben teleported all his forces out of alternate Remnant and back into the BattlePC, leaving the world in shambles.

"I won't give them the pleasure of existing any longer... DELET DIS!"

"Yes, milord. Commence firing procedures."

The starboard side of the BattlePC opened up to reveal it had a superlaser very similar in appearance to that of the Death Star's. Instead of several green beams coming together to form one super beam, this one simply charged up a mega yellow beam. This yellow beam was so powerful, that when fired at alternate Remnant it literally deleted the world. It wasn't that it was just destroyed, but more like it was deleted from all existence with any records of it or the characters within being totally gone.

"HA! DELETED!" Gabe laughed.

"You will pay for that, American BAKA!" From a screen, the image of a little ass anime loli with a pout appeared. She was extremely scantily clad...

"OH GOD! KILL THE FEED! KILL THE FEED!" A crewman screamed as they all averted their eyes from her so as to not go to jail.

"It's gonna be so sugoi when we destroy you all desu~" She giggled, causing Gaben to scoff.

"Pffft, as if little girl. I will stop you from leeching off my money!"

"Ara? I'm not a little girl you stupid gaijin! I'm a vampire empress and I'll have you know I'm 7000 years old!"

Gaben smashed the screen with the Banhammer after hearing that, well, technically banning the screen from the BattlePC but you get it. "ALL HANDS! MAN YOUR BATTLESTATIONS! WE SHALL REMOVE THE WEEB MENACE AND PROFIT FROM THIS MULTIVERSE AS WELL!"


	19. Team Fortress Classic Review

**Team Fortress Classic Review Part 1:**

 ** _Team Fortress Classic_ is a Valve game released in 1999 that was the single most popular team-based FPS game of its time. Contrary to popular belief, the game is _NOT_ the first _Team Fortress_ game. That honor goes to the original _QuakeWorld Team Fortress_ that was a mod of the legendary FPS _Quake_ in 1996. The game itself is pretty much a port of the original mod to the GoldSrc Engine which is more appropriately known as the engine that _Half-Life 1_ and _Counter-Strike 1.6_ used. Interestingly enough, TFC is actually also a mod like the original _Team Fortress_ as Valve created it to show off the modding potential of the GoldSrc Engine. That's why a lot of assets in _Half-Life 1_ were reused in TFC because the game was technically a _Half-Life 1_ mod before it became a standalone game when Steam was released. With this information in mind, TFC is technically speaking a second _Team Fortress_ game, but it is not TF2. TF2 was already being developed at the time by Valve and TFC was made for the above reason and also to ease the wait for the official TF2 game by Valve.**

 **These days, TFC's community is largely dead with only a few servers hosting more than two people on them. However, there are a couple of servers with a decent player count keeping the game alive. Fair warning, the people who still play this game are fucking insane at it. While TFC's reputation as the world's most popular team-based shooter has since disappeared in the nearly 20 years that's been out, it's legacy has since been passed on to _Team Fortress 2_ which is the actual sequel to the original _Team Fortress_ _Quake_ mod.**

 **As for the game itself?**

 **The game is unbalanced as shit. Classes were clearly not designed and tweaked in such a way that they all stood a fair or reasonable chances against each other. A lot of weapons are fucking ass and are practically worthless. FUCKING GRENADE SPAM. There's so many explosions in this game that it legitimately confuses you as to what the actual Hell is going on in a match of this game. Grenades are OP as shit and it is so easy to die as any class that you will constantly be respawning, especially since joining in on a match where everyone has literally more than a decade of experience than you is not helping that. Gameplay is extremely fast paced where you either understand what's going on right away or you get fucking left behind by the competitive players with experience who will also relentlessly curbstomp you as their is almost no time to practice playing the game with these guys constantly fucking you up.**

 **I'll go into how the classes play against each other and specific mechanics next chapter when I cover them.**

 **From what I've said so far, it sounds like I fucking hate this game, does it? Not at all. I don't hate _Team Fortress Classic_ and I'll go far as to say that I do like it. The game was made in an older era of gaming where fast paced chaotic action was all the rage. Games like _Quake_ and _Unreal Tournament_ have more in common with TFC than TFC does with TF2. TF2 is a slower paced game with an emphasis on fun gameplay compared to TFC's chaotic, fast pased, highly skill based competitive gameplay. Which is completely alright. The differences between the two games, though of the same series, is not a bad thing by any means. It just means that the games have different experiences of gameplay from each other. As a TF2 player and a gamer of the modern era coming over to the older TFC, it was an extremely rough introduction due to the differences, but I eventually got to the point where I am decent at the game and can say that I have fun with it.**

 **The game is only $5 on Steam and I recommend you buy it if you want to experience what the older _Team Fortress_ games were like. It's pretty cheap, and if you're willing to get a few rounds in than it will be worth the money. Hell, maybe you'll happen to run into me which is extremely likely since there's like only two servers which host more than five people on them.**

 **Maybe we can breathe a little more life into this game? It's amazing that it still has people playing it almost twenty years later. Just don't tell the people who still play it that you played TF2 or else they will rip your ass open over chat. I'm serious. They will.**

 **Team Fortress Classic Review Part 2:**

 **And now it's time to continue the review of Team Fortress Classic by going into the classes of the game. The next chapter will hold the third and final part of the review which will go over game mechanics and weapons and buildings.**

 **The classes in this game all have the same voicelines and same voice actor. There is no variation or personality to them except for a masculine voice that speaks in a New York sounding accent. The only words they ever say are "MEDIC!" And "EXCUSE ME, I'M IN NEED OF MEDICAL ATTENTION!" among various pain noises and grunts. This masculine voice is also used for the Pyro by the way since she wasn't conceived as female back in the day. This game was back in an era where classes were simply dudes you played as instead of characters with personalities. The Classic team did not get any distinct personalities until over ten years after their game came out in the form of the TF2 comics reintroducing them into the universe.**

 **Overall, every single one of them are weaker health-wise and do less damage with their primary weapons and are slower than their TF2 counterparts. However, the health issue is offset with their armor, but that's pretty much it.**

 **I am going to make a separate thing talking about Team Classic themselves since this is just a review of the game and not of them.**

 **Now it's time to go into the classes and how they play.**

 **Heavy Weapons Guy**

 **Health: 100/150 (adrenalized)**

 **Armor: 300**

 **Speed: Very Slow**

 **Weapons: Assault Cannon, Single-Barrel Shotgun, Double-Barrel Shotgun, Crowbar, Frag Grenades, MIRV Grenades**

 **Named "Chevy" (as in the "C" in Classic with the "A" removed in Heavy, "Chevy") by the artist of the comics, Chevy is a big ass burly motherfucker who is as ripped as graphics in the late 1990s would allow. He is easily the biggest and strongest out of the ten classes with his heavy armor and just as heavy weaponry, but ends up being the slowest as a result. He is the easiest class to play in this game and he may even be the best defense class in most situations. Unlike the TF2 Heavy, this Heavy is not nearly as good as going on the offense and is much more suited to defending.**

 **Scout**

 **Health: 75/125 (adrenalized)**

 **Armor: 50**

 **Speed: Very Fast**

 **Weapons: Single-Barrel Shotgun, Nailgun, Crowbar, Caltrops, Concussion Grenades**

 **His real name is apparently Greg and this guy is weaker than jello. Seriously, this guy is super weak and his chances of killing shit is nonexistent. However, what he does excel in is being very fast as his role in the team is not to fight, but rather to capture the intelligence and points using his speed and maneuverability to get past the enemy defenses and back. He is a complete pushover compared to his TF2 counterpart in the combat department, but as said before his true role is to run and not fight. However, he's too fucking fast in the hands of a skilled TFC player which is pretty much anyone who still plays that game. Literally impossible to hit with only sheer luck and extremely precise timing being required to take a Scout down when he robs your shit. Playing as Scout coming over from TF2 will not be a good time for anyone since he plays very differently.**

 **Sniper**

 **Health: 90/140 (adrenalized)**

 **Armor: 50**

 **Speed: Medium**

 **Weapons: Sniper Rifle, Automatic Rifle, Nailgun, Crowbar, Frag Grenades**

 **Real name Virgil, the TFC Sniper plays not too differently from the TF2 Sniper. Just imagine that every Sniper is using the Classic since they literally are using the Classic. That rifle is called the "Classic" for a reason.**

 **Soldier**

 **Health: 100/150 (adrenalized)**

 **Armor: 200**

 **Speed: Slow**

 **Weapons: Rocket Launcher, Single-Barrel Shotgun, Double-Barrel Shotgun, Crowbar, Frag Grenades, Nail Grenades**

 **Real name Ross, he plays practically the same as his TF2 counterpart except he can't rocket jump quite as well. Also, his rockets are slower and weaker and he himself is quite slow. He's better suited for defense, but he can do both offense and defense fine.**

 **Demolitions Man**

 **Health: 90/140 (adrenalized)**

 **Armor: 120**

 **Speed: Medium-Slow**

 **Weapons: Pipebomb Launcher, Grenade Launcher, Single-Barrel Shotgun, Crowbar, Hand Grenades, MIRV Grenades**

 **Deployables: Detpacks**

 **Simply this game's Demoman and his name is also Greg like the Classic Scout, he plays similarly to his TF2 counterpart except his grenades don't go as far and bounce awkwardly, and his pipebombs do not stick to surfaces like sticky bombs do. He has detpacks which can be timed and placed anywhere were it can potentially open up new routes for his team to attack through. He can also use pipebombs to explosive jump like Demoman does with srickies, but again not as well.**

 **Medic**

 **Health: 90/140 (adrenalized)**

 **Armor: 100**

 **Speed: Fast**

 **Weapons: Medkit, Single-Barrel Shotgun, Double-Barrel Shotgun, Super Nailgun, Frag Grenades, Concussion Grenades**

 **He is not seen in the comics except for in the Catch-Up Comic, but the Classic Medic is an OVERPOWERED PIECE OF SHIT SON OF A BITCH. He is pretty much Classic Scout except slightly slower and is infinitely more useful. He can heal people, he can actually fight, he's fast and maneuverable as fuck, and worst of all he could fucking infect the enemy team with virus that spreads if enemies touch each other. The only way to cure it is an enemy Medic heals them, or the infected person dies. He does not heal allies the same way Medic from TF2 does. He heals people by getting butt close to them and hitting them with a Medkit where they are healed to full health instantly. He can also adrenalize them which is this game's equivalent of overhealing.**

 **Engineer**

 **Health: 80/130 (adrenalized)**

 **Armor: 50**

 **Speed: Medium**

 **Weapons: Wrench, Railgun, Double-Barrel Shotgun, Hand Grenade, EMP Grenade**

 **Buildables: Sentry gun, Dispenser, Teleporter**

 **Real name Fred and is actually somewhat unclear if he's TF2 Engie's dad or not, the TFC Engineer is the main defensive class of the game. However, due to the lack of balancing in the game, he is pretty much useless in his intended role as Chevy can do a better job at defense than he can. The nature of the game also means that practically the only building he has that serves any meaningful and lasting role is the Teleporter. I will go into the use of his buildings in the next part of the review, but the only other noteworthy thing about him is that he has an overpowered as fuck EMP grenade which is practically a one-hit kill.**

 **Pyro**

 **Health: 100**

 **Armor: 150**

 **Speed: Medium**

 **Weapons: Crowbar, Single-Barrel Shotgun, Flamethrower, Incendiary Cannon, Hand Grenade, Napalm Grenade**

 **Real name Beatrice, she is completely useless in a fight in this game. Unlike in TF2, she needs to constantly stack fire onto people to kill them instead of allowing afterburn to finish them off. Her fire weapons are pathetically weak and she needs to get stupidly close to do any damage. The only weapon she has that is worth anything is the Incendiary Cannon, but that's only because it deals explosive damage alongside its useless fire damage. More often than not, she will so die many more times than she will actually killing people. However, someone posted a Steam article on how to properly play the classes where he revealed that the purpose of the class isn't to kill, but rather to support and harass the enemy by weakening them with fire damage and ambushing them. I mean, that's all well and good, but who wants to play like that? People play like that in TF2 of course, but it just works so much better in that game compared to this one.**

 **Spy**

 **Health: 90/140 (adrenalized)**

 **Armor: 100**

 **Speed: Medium**

 **Weapons: Knife, Tranquilizer Gun, Double-Barrel Shotgun, Nailgun, Hand Grenade, Hallucination Grenade**

 **Abilities: Feign Death, Disguise, Backstab**

 **Real name not revealed, he is the stealth class of the game. Unlike his TF2 counterpart, he cannot go invisible but he does have more powerful offensive weaponry. Instead of going invisible, he can fake his own death in like three different ways depending on the situation and he can disguise himself as either the enemy or his teammates. Sounds similar to how the Dead Ringer works, except that he cannot move when he feigns death. He literally pretends to be dead by laying there. His disguise is dropped every time he attacks, but he is able to drop grenades without losing his disguise. Despite his more powerful offensive capabilities compared to his sneakier TF2 counterpart, it's still best for him to remain hidden instead of engaging in direct combat.**

 **Civilian**

 **Health: 50/100 (adrenalized)**

 **Armor: 0**

 **Speed: Medium**

 **Weapons: Umbrella (Crowbar Reskin)**

 **The Civilian is a tenth class in the game who only appears in the VIP gamemode that nobody likes to play. The whole point of his existence is to not die when his bodyguards attempt to defend him from assassins. He has no armor and is weaker than shit with his only abilities being to hide and run away when he's under attack. As you can imagine, playing as a Civilian is not fun, and in this gamemode at least 1 person has to play this easily killable dude. Now you understand why that gamemode is not very popular. It's so unpopular, that I didn't even have a chance to play it. All this information you just read is from articles and sources I had to read up on to know these things.**

 **Team Fortress Classic Review Part 3:**

 **I will now talk about the weapons of Team Fortress Classic and both how useful they are and what they are used for, as well as some gameplay mechanics.**

 **Crowbar:** The Crowbar is a complete piece of shit. It is the melee weapon for six out of ten classes in the game and it does slightly more damage than hitting someone with a teddy bear. The real reason why this weapon is in the game is because it is a tribute to Half-Life which TFC was originally a mod of before it became completely standalone. There is no practical use for this weapon whatsoever since its unlikely to get close enough to people to use it. Even if you do use it, you better hope to God that the fucker is weakened as shit or else you are not killing them and instead YOU will be killed.

 **Medkit:** The Medkit is a weapon exclusive to the Medic only. It has the ability to fucking heal allies instantly with one tap only, and it is able to adrenalize teammates for 5 extra points of health with each hit until hitting the max adrenalized health limit for whatever class your teammate is. Adrenalizing is this game's equivalent of overhealing. It is exactly the same but slower and only the Medic is capable of giving it to people. The Medkit also has a secondary function for when you are facing enemies. This OP pack of fuck can give an infection to enemies where it will only go away if the player either dies or is healed by a friendly Medic. Worse yet, the infection can spread to teammates if the infected player gets too close to his friends.

 **Knife:** The knife is a melee weapon exclusive to the Spy only, and it is not so much different from TF2's stock knife. It does twice the damage of a Crowbar and it can instantly kill anyone with one backstab.

 **Wrench:** The Wrench is a melee weapon exclusive to the Engineer. It does the same amount of damage as the Crowbar, but it is infinitely more useful in that it is used to repair, upgrade, and put ammo into buildings as well as repair the armor on teammates.

 **Single-Barrel Shotgun:** This gun is awful. Getting hit with the pellets from this gun is like getting shot with an airsoft gun. It's only upside is that it is more accurate than the Double-Barrel Shotgun and more reliable to hit people with than the Nailgun. The only class who should ever use this gun is the Scout.

 **Sniper Rifle:** Do you remember "The Classic" from TF2? This is literally that gun in every sense of the word. I mean, it's called "The Classic" for a reason. The major difference between this gun from TF2 is that there is actually a slight delay from firing a shot since charging the gun is not separate from firing like it is in TF2. Just like in TF2, it has a laser dot which enemies and allies can see, and it is a red dot for both teams.

 **Tranquilizer Gun:** This is the Crowbar of ranged weapons. It is useless. It's fire rate is slower than a clock and the projectile it shoots is so slow that you won't hit anyone unless you are lucky or the fucker is standing still. The damage is the same as one swing from a Crowbar, but its special effect is that it slows victims down to half speed. That's it. It doesn't dim the screen or distort it or anything, and it doesn't even last that long.

 **Railgun:** The Railgun is a pistol like weapon used by the Engineer. It is also useless, but not quite as so as the Tranquilizer Gun and Crowbar. Despite the name of "Railgun", this thing fires slow as shit but thankfully not as slow as the Tranquilizer Gun, and it actually shoots green laser projectiles that take time to travel to its victim. Hitting people with this thing is harder than trying to convince a cat to come down a tree, but if you do hit someone, good on you! Unlike most of the other projectile weapons in the game, this thing ignores armor and does full damage no matter where you hit!

 **Automatic Rifle:** This weapon is simply the Sniper Rifle switched to full auto mode. It does nowhere near the same amount of damage despite technically also being the Sniper Rifle as this thing does **HALF** the damage of the fucking Crowbar with one hit. For reference, the Crowbar does 16 damage per hit. However, this is offset with the gun being more or less perfectly accurate and an insanely high fire rate. Only issue is that it chews through your whole ammo reserve pretty quickly and you might find that you don't got bullets when you switch back to Sniper Rifle mode. I wonder why this feature was not carried into TF2 when they reintroduced the weapon...

 **Double-Barrel Shotgun** **:** The big brother of the Single-Barrel Shotgun, this thing is actually a decent weapon all things considered. It uses two shells per shot and does medium damage. The only downside is that it has less range than the Single-Barrel Shotgun, but everyone is alright with that.

 **Nailgun:** Horrible. This is a projectile based weapon where the nails are not affected by gravity and are perfectly accurate. The accuracy doesn't matter much though as no one is going to stay still as a steady stream of slow nails is flying at them. This thing is most useful for taking out Sentries or warding off enemies.

 **Grenade Launcher:** This weapon is alright I guess. It's used the same way as it is in TF2, but the grenades don't travel as far and bounce much more awkwardly.

 **Super Nailgun:** The same thing as the regular Nailgun but is superior in every way. That's not saying much though.

 **Flamethrower:** Embarrassing. This weapon is hilariously bad as you need to go butt-clenchingly close to the enemy to use it and you need to constantly stack fire on them to kill them. More often than not will you die long before you reach the enemy.

 **Rocket Launcher:** Identical to its TF2 counterpart except the rockets travel slightly slower and they have a bright ass white trail behind them that nobody can miss. It's also slightly off to the bottom right of the crosshair. I know the TF2 one is too, but this is even worse.

 **Pipebomb Launcher:** This game's equivalent to TF2 Demoman's Sticky Launcher. It works the exact same way except it can't charge its shots, projectiles don't go as far, and the grenades do not stick to surfaces. Unlike sticky bombs, the projectiles can actually bounce.

 **Assault Cannon:** This game's equivalent to the Minigun of TF2. Exactly the same except it feels like it's slightly more inaccurate.

 **Incendiary Cannon:** Basically the Rocket Launcher except for the Pyro. Unlike the regular Rocket Launcher, its projectiles travel even slower but it does do fire damage alongside its explosive damage. You can rocket jump with this, but not quite as well as with the Rocket Launcher.

 **Hand Grenade:** This thing is pretty straightforward. It's a fucking standard grenade with a four second fuse.

 **Caltrop** **:** What this thing does is that it is dropped onto the ground and it deals damage to enemies who walk on them as well as slow them down to half speed. Useful for Scouts who want to slow down dudes chasing them.

 **Nail Grenade** **:** A strange grenade which when thrown it spews the same slow-moving nail projectiles as the Nailgun does in the dozens. More like an area denial weapon than anything else, it's pretty useful in tight spaces where its hard for enemies to maneuver. When it runs out of nails, the grenade itself finally blows up and damages anyone stupid enough to still be there.

 **MIRV Grenade:** This grenade is OP as shit. When thrown, it blows up once and then splits into multiple grenades where you have like one second before they also blow up! This thing will blow your balls off if you so much as have a toe inside the blast radius.

 **Concussion Grenade:** This grenade does no damage but confuses and disorientates enemies when thrown at them. People affected by it will have their vision all fucked up and their camera will go shaky as shit and your accuracy is thrown off all over the place. However, people rarely use the grenade for its intended purpose as they rather much use it for conc-jumping where you use the explosion of the grenade to fly around the map like rocket jumping.

 **Napalm Grenade:** Exactly as advertised. When it blows up, it covers the area around it in fire for a short amount of time.

 **Hallucination Grenade:** An annoying piece of shit that looks like a pill you'd take for medicine, this thing gives your character PTSD for like twenty seconds. What happens is that dudes affected by it start hallucinating and imagining things that aren't there like grenades, bullets, explosions, and even taking damage that's all not really happening.

 **EMP Grenade:** This grenade is disgustingly OP. What it does is that it instantly detonates the shells, rockets, cells, and shit on a player for some fucking reason. The more of those things you have on your person the more damage it does. This typically means you are either killed instantly or so critically injured you can get killed if someone breathed on you.

 **Detpack:** This is a big ass case of explosives that can be timed to blow up in what is pretty much a nuclear explosion. Can be used to rekt enemy shit as well as destroying certain parts of a map for your team to access through.

 **Sentry Gun:** The Sentry Gun in this game is not quite as useful or good as it is in TF2. The tracking is much slower, it deals less damage, and it even shoots slower on all levels. It cannot be packed up and transported like it can in TF2. The only thing you can do is either detonate it in an explosion that deals damage, or you can dismantle it and get some metal back. Also, you are able to actually rotate the direction the gun is facing which helps it track enemies. Due to lack of balancing in this game, anyone can destroy it. Grenades and Nailguns are usually the biggest enemies of this thing. Unlike in TF2, you do not gradually upgrade the gun with metal, but instead you upgrade it when you have 130 metal and it goes to the next level instantly in one hit.

 **Dispenser:** This building is not upgradeable, and it does not give you shit unless you literally walk up to it and touch it. Unlike in TF2, this thing does not give you health but it does give ammo and armor and regenerates by itself. It cannot be moved once placed, only detonated in a damaging explosion or dismantled.

 **Teleporter:** It cannot be upgraded, but it works the same way as it does in TF2. It is functionally identical to the Level 1 Teleporter from TF2 since it takes 10 seconds for it to recharge between teleporting people.


	20. Ultra Late 2nd Anniversary Special

**Hey everyone. Let me start by saying I am still on break. I'm taking time to enjoy things again after stressing over shit for too damn long, but I can't let this slip. Not the 2nd anniversary of when this all started.**

 **I tell you I am feeling slowly better. Like my heart's starting to slowly unwind while my brain is simultaneously unlocking itself. I'm starting to look back on my inspirations and what made me what I was then, and lemme just list them off here just so you know what I'm looking at...**

 **\- Team Fortress 2 and related material (cuz no fucking shit)**

 **\- RWBY (even though I don't like the actual show anymore)**

 **\- Warhammer 40k**

 **\- 1d4chan articles (if you read an article from this website and compared it to the earliest chapters, you can see a clear connection...)**

 **\- If The Emperor Had A Text To Speech Device**

 **\- ATTF**

 **\- video gaming**

 **\- YouTube**

 **\- Violence**

 **\- Star Wars**

 **\- Valve**

 **\- Steam**

 **\- Gabe Logan Newell**

 **\- Weapons (I will tell you right now that Ruby Rose is tame compared to me when it comes to weaponry. Regardless if it's something as simple as a sword or as complex as an M2 Browning.)**

 **\- Funny shit**

 **...and that's all I can think of for now. Of course going through my roots is only one step on the road to recovery and I'll let you know all that's happened whenever I fully return, but yeah man here's my sources. Note how anime and manga is actually absent from the list, and that's because I don't watch anime or read manga. I seen here and there, but not like I keep up with anything. However, I do follow the news in the anime community and shit so I'm not out of the loop.**

 **Also note that fanfiction is absent from the list. That's because thinking back on it, I didn't actually read that much fanfiction at all even back then.**

 **Yeah so again, a full update on what's been happening with me will be released whenever I return fully, but for now I got something for you, and now f** **or the 2nd Anniversary that I missed, I present you a series of stuff I have either made but not shown anyone, or made up just today for this. I don't have the stength in me to write a proper special, so I'm making a bunch of shorts to make up for it.**

 **IMPORTANT: Also before I forget, some guy a while ago suggested that I let you boys, the readers, ask questions to any character that has appeared in the story regardless of who they are. Basically he's asking that I force myself to roleplay as the character and answer all of your possibly sick, annoying, and depraved questions. It's going to be fun *thumbs up*. I'll answer it whenever I update again.**

 **Comment whatever your thoughts are since I think it'd be good to reconnect with everyone, and so without further ado...**

 **Let's fucking go.**

* * *

 **This first one was actually written as an example screenplay/script for a couple friends of mine I was showing. I have some knowledge in animation and so I made this for them to get an idea of what it was like in the development process. This is copied directly from the original format and unaltered unless Fanfiction does not support some features. Remember that this was written as a script and not so much in proper story format, but still enjoy this since I've been wanting to show other people this.**

 **(...)**

 **A Lamia in Remnant**

 **An Example Screenplay**

By Choro Maestrale

 **Background Info** **:** Team RWBY is sent out into the Emerald Forest after sightings of a "snake person" are reported by Beacon students who claim to have seen it. Unsure of what they could be facing here, Ozpin asks Sniper to go with them to insure their safety as well as the man's history of being a master tracker. Sniper agrees and goes with them since he's got nothing better to do today.

 **The Emerald Forest – Day**

Sniper leads Team RWBY into the scene along a dirt path through the forest. He has his sniper rifle rested on his shoulder as he carefully scanned the surrounding area. The girls following him did the same with their weapons out.

RUBY

So… we're looking for a snake person, huh?

WEISS

Uh, yeah. That's what the headmaster told us like thirty minutes ago.

RUBY

Right… do you think it's some kind of Faunus or something?

YANG

No idea. Have you seen any Faunus with a snake lower body, Blake?

BLAKE

No, and I never heard of one either.

YANG

But it's possible, right?

BLAKE

I mean, maybe it is. I just never heard of one before.

WEISS

Oh come on! There's no such thing as a snake person, Faunus or not. This is clearly a King Taijitu, or maybe some new kind of snake Grimm.

Sniper suddenly stops in his tracks, holding his hand out to signal that they should also stop. They don't notice though, and Ruby ends up bumping against his back with her teammates also bumping into each other in a line. The girls grumble as they ended up falling over each other, but Sniper remains standing.

SNIPER

(Softly chuckling) Watch it, ladies. Take a look at this…

Sniper smiles at them over his shoulder, and waves at them to look at what he is pointing at. The girls pick themselves up and stand by Sniper's sides to see what appeared to be a trail of something large dragged across the dirt path and into the thick of the forest. The trail is smooth, and is a little wider than a human chest. Sniper bends down on one knee and feels the trail, inspecting the dirt on his fingers. The girls look a little bit disgusted after he licks his fingers and tastes the dirt.

WEISS

Eww… What are you even doing, Mr. Sniper?

SNIPER

Getting a sense of what we're looking for, mate.

WEISS

I know that! But why do you have to do it in such a filthy way though?

SNIPER

It's called being thorough. Now quiet down, let's see here…

The girls patiently wait for Sniper to finish examining the trail. The Australian feels the trail another time where his fingers uncover something barely buried in the dirt. He pulls it out, and it appears to be a large red reptile scale. He also licks this and sniffs it. After a moment, Sniper stands up and dusts his hands clean, adjusting his hat. Smiling, he turns to them.

SNIPER

We got ourselves a snake, girls.

BLAKE

How do you know?

SNIPER

It all matches up with one. The taste, smell, touch, this trail here. It all screams that there's a big snake wandering around these woods.

WEISS

(Disgusted) Uh, I'm not even going to ask how you know all that…

RUBY

Alright! That means we're on the right trail!

Sniper then leads them off the dirt path and into the bushes where the trail leads. Weiss is having a little trouble moving through the brush and is quietly grumbling to herself. The trail is a lot harder to follow now since the forest floor is rough with leaves, rocks, and grass, but Team RWBY trusted that Sniper knew what he was doing and kept following him. Yang attempts to get some sort of conversation going out of boredom, but Sniper tells them they have to be absolutely quiet in case their target hears them. They walk around for a while until the girls started getting tired and start complaining, annoying Sniper.

YANG

Oh man… my feet are killing me! Can we take a break now?

WEISS

Yes, please!

BLAKE

I'm thirsty…

RUBY

It's so hot out here…

SNIPER

Alright, quit your whining! Ten minute break. That sound good to you?

The girls shake their heads like eager puppies in unison, and they gladly sit down on a fallen tree in a clearing, getting out water and some snacks. Sniper goes to the edge of the clearing along the trail that they were following until he stops and looks up into the trees.

RUBY

Mr. Sniper? I brought some cookies in case we got hungry.

Ruby walks up to Sniper's side and gives him a cookie. He politely accepts the treat from the sweet girl, but he does not eat it right away as he is in tracker mode. Ruby notices this.

RUBY

What is it? Did you find something?

SNIPER

She's gone into the trees…

RUBY

Huh? How do you know?

He points at the trail where Ruby sees that it stops abruptly. It doesn't lead out of the clearing and back into the forest, but just stops right there as if whatever made it had been lifted out of the air. Also, there are fresh green leaves and fallen branches on the ground around where the trail stops. It doesn't take long for Ruby to piece the parts together, making a big 'oooh' face once she does.

RUBY

It's hiding in the trees!

SNIPER

Maybe, but I don't think so.

RUBY

Huh? Why not?

Sniper takes a second to pull out the red scale they found earlier. The scale is a shade of red that's similar to Ruby's cape color, and it is very reflective of light that hits it.

SNIPER

Unless our target's a bloody idiot, she wouldn't be hiding up in the trees with scales like this. It'd make her stand out like a red balloon stuck in a tree at a bloody birthday party. A snake that size is too damn big to be moving through these trees anyway... Do you wanna know what I think?

RUBY

Yeah? What?

SNIPER

She knows someone's after her, and so she's trying to throw us off her trail by going into the trees. Clever, but it ain't clever enough for me. I tracked hundreds of bloody snakes before and the clever bastards tried everything, but I always found 'em. I'm about to find this one too…

Sniper then moves into the woods once more, carrying his rifle at the ready. Hesitating a bit, Ruby looks back at her team to see that they were still relaxing before making up her mind to follow Sniper alone. However, she soon loses Sniper in the thick of the forest and ends up very lost after only a few minutes of walking. She begins to feel uneasy as she feels that something is watching her, nervously looking around her surroundings for any sign of Sniper or anything in general in this heavily forested area.

RUBY

Hello? Mr. Sniper? Yang? Weiss? Blake? Anyone? Where are you guys?

Ruby hears some rustling nearby and squeaks like a panicked mouse, pointing her weapon at the source of the noise. It turned out to be nothing threatening though as a little brown rabbit came hopping outside of the bushes, twitching its nose and looking at Ruby with curious eyes.

RUBY

Oh, you scared me little guy! I thought you were a Grimm or something! Have you seen my friends anywhere?

The rabbit doesn't do anything except twitch its nose a little more and tilt its head to the side in curiosity.

RUBY

No? Figures… did you at least see any snake people running around here?

Suddenly, the rabbit's ears perk up and it runs away into the bushes it came from. Ruby looks on in confusion, until she turns around to see what could have spooked the bunny. Hiding in the shadows of a particularly thick bunch of trees and bushes, she could see the vague shape of what looked like a person. The unknown figure immediately rushes back into the cover of the brush when Ruby turned around.

RUBY

Hey! Come back!

Ruby gives chase to the mysterious figure, but she quickly notices that things are not right. The figure did not move like a person at all, and it moved more like it was slithering around instead of running on two legs. The figure is unbelievably quick, and it gets away long before Ruby could definitively see what it was. Disappointed, Ruby stops to catch her breath when Sniper scares the living daylights out of her when he pops out of the brush like a wild animal.

SNIPER

What the hell do you think you're doing!?

RUBY

Ahhhhhh! Mr. Sniper!? Where were you!? I got lost looking for you!

SNIPER

I was quietly tracking down our target until you showed up. I was this close to getting the jump on her before you decided to turn around and scare her off. Now come on. She ain't gonna lose me that easily…

Ruby once again follows Sniper, taking care not to lose him this time so she does not get lost again. She's fully aware that he is a bit upset right now, and keeps quiet so as to not make him any more upset than he already is. Sniper actually doesn't seem to be all that upset as he is too focused on tracking down the target, the thrill of the hunt on him. Soon, he signals for Ruby to halt where he then lays flat on the ground, motioning for her to do the same. Quietly, he crawls under the brush with Ruby following him, taking care not to make any sounds. Sniper stops crawling and peaks through the leaves and branches of the bush without actually showing himself at all.

SNIPER

There she is…

Ruby catches up to him and peaks out to see what he sees, and her jaw dropped. There was a small waterfall that spilled down into a shallow and gentle river. The bushes Ruby and Sniper were hiding in were on one side, and the other side was a clear area with a cliff wall. Ruby's attention was fixed on the sight of a huge snake tail covered in red scales slithering behind the waterfall.

SNIPER

Told you she wasn't gonna lose me.

RUBY

Whoa… I have never seen any snake that big before!

SNIPER

Probably because that ain't a snake, mate. At least not a full one. Looked like she's half-snake and half-Human…

He then stands up and walks out of the bush, leaving Ruby temporarily stunned as she imagined what a Human-Snake hybrid would look like. The girl was scared as the first thing her mind thought of was some horrifying abomination that had the head and arms of a Human and everything besides that was the icky body of a slimy snake. She soon snaps out of it and worriedly followed Sniper as he waded across the shallow water of the river. Once they reached the other side, they approached the waterfall where they discover the cave that the snake person went in hidden behind it.

SNIPER

Alright, let's go in.

RUBY

(nervously) R-right…

The girl's eyes shot open when she saw Sniper had dropped his whole serious tracker thing and casually entered the cave.

RUBY

Hey! What happened to being sneaky and stuff?

SNIPER

Ah, there's no point in doing that anymore now that we got her cornered, mate. That and it'll be damn near impossible trying to not make any noise in a cave where everything echoes…

RUBY

Oh…

Ruby nervously enters the cave with Sniper, her weapon in rifle form and close to her body. The man was right about the echo part as Ruby's spine shivered in fright when the distinctive noise of a snake softly hissing echoed off the walls of the cave.

RUBY

W-why are you so calm about meeting a terrifying giant snake person?

SNIPER

I wouldn't exactly say terrifying…

Sniper paused a bit where he reached into his pouch and pulled out a flashlight. With the press of a button, he turned it on and a stream of light illuminated what Ruby initially thought was a young Human girl with red hair huddled against the walls of the cave.

SNIPER

More like terrified…

Another look at the girl revealed that she wasn't Human at all. At least, not the lower half of her body anyway. Sniper wasn't kidding when he said that she looked to be half-snake and half-Human, as the top half appeared to be a young Human girl about Ruby's age where the bottom half from the torso down is a very long snake body with red scales. Noticeably, she was wearing a ragged and dirty white shirt, and she was also pretty ragged and dirty looking herself. Sniper also wasn't kidding about the terrified part as the snake girl backed herself against the wall, staring at the two Humans with fearful eyes. Ruby loses all sense of fear and instead feels sorry for the terrified thing. She puts her weapon away, but Sniper is still holding onto his, just not in a firing position.

SNIPER

I gotta say, I never seen anything quite like her before…

RUBY

Me neither…

Ruby slowly steps deeper into the cave, holding her hands out to try and calm her down. Sniper stands where he is and watches, knowing it was better for someone like Ruby to try first contact instead of someone like him.

RUBY

Hello? Can you understand me?

The snake girl fearfully nodded her head, continuing to coil herself into a corner. Ruby's eyes widen in surprise, and so does Sniper. Ruby takes a step closer to the snake girl, but her response was to whimper and coil herself even tighter.

RUBY

No no no! It's okay! There's no reason to be afraid. We're huntsmen. We're here to help you. Uh… Oh! I know!

Ruby pauses and takes her backpack off. With a friendly smile, she takes out the bag of cookies she brought along with her as snacks and shows them to the snake girl. The snake girl's eyes went wide at seeing and smelling the bag, and she's practically drooling now.

RUBY

Are you hungry? I can give you some of these if you want.

The snake girl nods her head much more eagerly this time, even uncoiling herself a bit. Ruby took this chance to take a step closer, and when the snake girl didn't coil back, she slowly and gently got closer and closer to her with the bag of cookies. Soon, she was only a couple feet away from her and she was able to give a handful of cookies without any trouble. The snake girl eagerly and graciously accepted the offering and hungrily gobbled down all the cookies. Based on her appearance and how she was eating the cookies, she clearly hasn't been eating much lately.

RUBY

Whoa! Heh, guess you're really hungry, huh?

Ruby kept a smile on her face as she watched the snake girl eat, grabbing some cookies to eat herself since she didn't get a chance to eat them earlier. Once the snake girl was done eating, she smiled at Ruby herself in gratitude.

RUBY

Can you talk?

GIANNA

Yes… Thank you for sharing your cookies with me.

Ruby and Sniper are once again surprised that the snake girl could talk. The snake girl has significantly warmed up to them and is no longer as afraid as she once was, going so far as to uncoil herself where she rises to a height of seven feet that towers over little Ruby. She was even taller than Sniper by a foot, and this was made clear when Sniper joined Ruby in meeting her.

RUBY

My name is Ruby Rose, and this is Professor Sniper.

SNIPER

(Friendly) G'day.

GIANNA

My name's Gianna. (Shyly) I'm… sorry for running away from you two earlier. The Humans where I'm from aren't exactly… as nice as you two are.

SNIPER

Ah, that's alright, mate. Tracking you down wasn't all that hard.

RUBY

Sorry for asking, but… what are you?

Gianna tilts her head to the side in confusion. Sniper notices this and subtly looks to Ruby who keeps her eyes on Gianna.

GIANNA

I'm a Lamia. You two didn't know that?

SNIPER

Lamia? Nah. Sorry mate, but I never heard of your kind before in my life.

RUBY

Um, I don't think I have either. But hey! At least we know you exist now, right?

Ruby smiles and chuckled a bit with Sniper laughing a little too, but Gianna continues to look confused if not even more so. Ruby eventually stops when she sees that Gianna wasn't chuckling as well.

RUBY

Hehehe… right. So, do you need a place to stay? I'm sure we can get you somewhere nice and cozy instead of this dark and wet cave. And we have plenty of food too!

GIANNA

Yes, please!

The Lamia happily agrees to go with Sniper and Ruby without as much as a second thought. They exited the cave together and Ruby gets a call on her scroll as soon as they got past the waterfall.

YANG

Ruby! It's about time you picked up! Where have you been? We've been looking for you!

RUBY

Yang! You'd never believe what Mr. Sniper and I found!

YANG

Huh? What did you find?

RUBY

Oh… I think you'll have to wait and see. You're gonna lose your mind when you see her!

YANG

"Her"?

 **End**

* * *

 **This next one is inspired by a pic I seen. I just had to write a little story about it. A little something involving Yang and Neo...**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Neo's Nightmare**

 _"This is so easy_ _..._ " Neopolitan thought to herself, grinning.

That brawling blonde brute of a girl known as Yang Xiao Long was at it again, trying to best Neo in glorious one on one melee combat. It was going about as well as you would be expect. Yang's brutally straightforward approach to combat was super fuckin' ineffective against Neo's swift and elegant style of asswhooping. She couldn't land a single hit on the much shorter girl, getting ever frustrated as Neo basically ran circles around her.

"STAY STILL!" Screeched the brawler, flames erupting out of her eyes. She threw yet another punch, but this time it was empowered by the strength of unwavering hatred. Neo wasn't about that life though and simply backflipped away to a safe distance, taunting Yang with a silly face.

Yang was beyond done. She hated this girl more than anything else in the whole damn world right now. All she wanted was to land at least one hit. ONE HIT. Just anything that'll put the hurt on this little midget and get that stupid fucking smug look off her face, and Neo knew it.

Intentionally, the ice cream girl remained in position as Yang sailed forward with a punch reared back, predictable as usual. When the punch landed, it hit nothing but a shattered illusion of Neo as the girl teleported behind her and dropped a terrifying roundhouse kick complete with a CRACK noise. You think Yang would have learned by now, but that girl is so mad that she loses all rational thought.

Think of it like this. Imagine a very skilled matador fighting a big ass angry bull covered in gasoline and then lit on fire. That's what this situation is right now.

Neo wished she wasn't mute just so she could gloat in Yang's face, totally amused and unimpressed with her playmate as Yang wasn't even a huge threat to her.

Until... she just stopped? The flames characteristically covering an angry Yang's hair and eyes faded away, and Yang stood up as if that kick Neo gave her did nothing.

"Okay..." Yang began, Neo looking on in total confusion. "Maybe you are a better fighter than me, but do you know what I'm better than you at?" Asked the girl, turning around to reveal an unusual grin plastered onto her face.

Neo responded by tilting her head to the side, unsure of what she's getting at.

" _Hehehe~ ...are you serious?_ " Snickered Yang. "You really don't know?"

Neo just shook her head, getting a mixture of annoyed and slightly afraid.

"Tsk tsk..." Yang shook her head. "I guess you're either dumb or you refuse to accept it... but you're short, and I'm tall!" Laughed Yang.

The other girl froze in place. This was something she always knew because it's simply an unavoidable fact (I mean... look at her), yet she was always so self-conscious about it. Why Yang would bring this up of all things in the middle of a fight was anyone's guess, but Neo's heart filled with both rage and repressed guilt about her height. Now it was her turn to go berserk as she let out a silent, and I do mean a _silent_ battlecry, as she rushed Yang to get this big bully to shut the fuck up.

A fist cut across the air and straight at Yang... AND IT BOUNCED OFF HER BOOBS!? Like, Neo's fist literally made contact with Yang's ample chest and deflected back towards her, meaning Neo just decked herself in the face. The ice cream girl fell on her back as Yang cackled in laughter.

"HAHAHAHA! What was that!? That was so pathetic that I almost felt bad for you! Oh wait, thanks for reminding me! I'm also _waaaaaaaaay_ **hotter** than you!~" Teased Yang, puffing her chest out for the ultra jealous Neo to see. "You're short and **_flat_**!~"

" _SHUT UP!_ " Neo thought to herself really loudly, standing up with tears welling up in her eyes.

She was about to let another fist loose at Yang's laughing face when something happened. Something that did not bode well for little Neo as she... got even littler!? Neo only took a single step forward when it seemed like Yang grew taller before her very eyes, but it didn't take more than five seconds for her to realize that she was actually shrinking!

" _Shorty short short shorty short!~_ " Teased Yang in a little song, continuing to laugh her ass off as she watched Neo shrink for seemingly no reason.

When Neo stopped shrinking, she found herself about as tall as a lego brick, gazing up in total disbelief at the enormous Yang standing above her.

" _Awwwwww~ You're so cute!~_ " Chirped the much larger girl, snickering at the shaking little girl before her.

Neo couldn't believe it. She didn't know what or why this happened, but now she was bone-clackingly scared right now as her heart filled with total dread. Yang was simply **ginormous** compared to her now, and considering how Neo was kicking her ass earlier, she probably was none too happy about that...

Scared for her life, Neo immediately turned tail and ran the opposite direction, not even thinking of using her teleportation abilities as she was simply that scared.

" _Ah? Hey, where do you think you're going?_ " Neo heard the giant behind her say, not even stopping to look back.

Her heart stopped as she heard the sounds of more snickering and something looming behind her, and the sight of a huge shadow getting cast on her did nothing but fill her up with more terror than she already was in. Was Yang going to squash her flat? Was she going to pick her up and do God knows with her?

The answer was far worse than she could have ever imagined, and she got it when she felt something enormous but super soft and squishy fall on top of most of her body, leaving only her upper body free. The impact was enough to knock the air out of her as she hit the ground, but what she was really confused about was why she wasn't squished. When she finally turned around to see what happened, her heart sank so far downwards that if it actually did it would have pierced through the entire planet.

Yang just _boobdropped_ Neo despite being as tall as a skyscraper (to her). That soft and squishiness feeling she got? Yang's gigantic building sized (to her) tits.

" _Ahahaha! Oopsie! Sorry, but I can be so... clumsy sometimes~..."_ Snickered the giant goddess of rage, amused as she watched the helpless little Neo try to escape from underneath her boobs. Neo tried everything from uselessly beating her little fists against the soft flesh to clawing at the ground in an attempt to crawl away, but no dice.

" _Hehehe~... I love it when you squirm like that, shorty~_ " Yang taunted, her booming laughter deafening Neo's ears as the girl let out the loudest non-audible scream she's ever made in her life.

 **(...)**

"Neo? Neo!? NEO!? _WAKE UP!_ " Roman Torchwick screamed as he shook Neo awake, her eyes shooting open and frantically looking around. The poor girl was sweating bullets when Roman woke her up, the man worried about Neo's unusual thrashing about in bed. "Ugh, about time you woke up! You've been rolling all over your bed for the past five minutes!"

The girl realized that what she experienced was only a nightmare right about now, and she finally started to calm down.

" _I had a nightmare about being short again. That Yang girl was in it_..." She sign languaged, Roman nodding in understanding.

"Oh... it's okay Neo." Roman said, giving the precious little thing a hug. "There's no such thing as Yangs..."

Neo immediately raised a brow at that. What the Hell was Roman talking about? Did he just forget about his archnemesis Ruby's sister?

"Okay! Bye bye!" Roman suddenly chirped, abruptly letting go of Neo and wandering out the door without another word, slamming it shut.

" _Was it really a dream_ _?_ " Neo thought to herself, worried.

As soon as she was finished thinking that sentence, the entire building began shaking. It shook so much that Neo actually fell out of her bed, clutching her blanket like a frightened child would in this situation. Then to her unspeakable horror, the roof above was ripped off by a gigantic hand, and in its place was a massive purple eye peeking down into the room.

" _Oh, it's not a dream..._ " The familiar voice spoke, scaring Neo. Then, two fingers as big as thick logs reached in and plucked her up, lifting her out of the house to reveal none other than her worst nightmare. Giant Yang.

" _YOUR NIGHTMARE IS ONLY BEGINNING! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!_ "

* * *

 **This next one is completely self-explanatory. No bullshit, just the most badass theoretical physicist ever known putting his combat skills to the test. Takes place in the Alternate Battle of Beacon Short. This is basically from Gordon's point of view during the battle. Should I do more of these? Just doing POVs of characters during the alternate battle since I know I just mentioned them and wasn't able to really focus on them as much as I wanted to.**

 **Also I felt like writing this after replaying every Half-Life game on PC and being reminded of how badass Gordon Freeman actually is.**

* * *

 **Alternate Battle of Beacon: Gordon Freeman's POV**

Gordon approached the writhing horde of darkness, trusty crowbar in hand. Though he knew very little about this new world he was in, he knew enough to know that these ravenous monsters overran this school and that the students here are in need of saving. That's what those mercenaries guys told everyone when they asked for help on the BattlePC, and Gordon answered their call. He brought along a few Resistance fighters with him since considering the situation, they really need all the help they can get.

"Holy... would you look at the size of those things?" A random Resistance member said.

"Hey, size doesn't matter. I don't care if it's as tall as a building. If it breathes, we can kick its ass." Another rebel responded, looking quite cocky as he had an RPG on his shoulder.

All around them, the allied forces of the BattlePC prepared for battle as the dark hordes drew ever closer, like an ocean of shadows rising to meet a coastline. Gordon and his rebels were ready to face this threat, and in a few moments, the battle began.

"FIRE AT WILL! LAY 'EM LOW!" Someone shouted from the right, a deafening storm of gunfire filling the air as thousands of bullets traveled downrange and struck the black flesh of the Grimm.

The opening stages of the battle fell swiftly to the side of the Allies as the initial Grimm charge effortlessly fell to their overwhelming firepower, and when the Grimm started to waver, that's when the Allies counterattacked.

Gordon joined the counter charge along with many other heroes of the BattlePC, clashing with the Grimm in brutal close range combat.

In his hands was an MP5 with the shorty version of an M203 grenade launcher under the barrel, using the grenade launcher to send a 40mm grenade flying into the mouth of an Ursa, exploding into a shower of Grimm flesh and blood. From there he sprayed down an incoming pack of Beowolves with 9mm rounds. When his gun clicked empty and a Beowolf ran up on him with its fearsome claws raised, Gordon simply stepped back from the swipe and rocked the creature's jaw with a good old fashioned punch. With the creature dazed, Gordon chose to quickly slip away using his suit's long jump module to get away a safe distance. Once he was away from its range, he switched out the MP5 for a USP Match and put a few 9mm rounds into its head, killing it.

That wasn't the end of Gordon's troubles though as another Beowulf came up behind him and got him with a slash across the back, knocking him down. The HEV suit's protective shielding took the damage from the attack, allowing Gordon to flip over and greet this motherfucker with a lovely SPAS-12. He fired once and the buckshot tore into the Beowolf's shoulder with so much force that it tore its arm off, and then he fired once again at the creature's chest where a cavernous hole was planted on it.

Gordon got back up on his feet as the Beowolf crumpled down, pumping a fresh shell into his shotgun as he looked for another target. An Ursa happily presented itself with an unnecessary roar that got Gordon's attention, and by extension his shotgun. Magically firing two shells at once from a single-barreled weapon, the buckshot minced the bear Grimm's belly region. That was not strong enough to takeit down as its sheer rage and durability kept it going, surging forward with its paws raised to smash down on Gordon. The scientist said fuck that shit though and easily strafed to the side where he shot one more shell into the creature's side and then jumped on the wounded thing's back. From there, he jammed the SPAS-12 into its neck and promptly finished it off with buckshot severing most of the head off.

"HEADS UP!" A nearby rebel fighting alongside him called, Gordon shooting his head up to see a small Nevermore roll in and shooting feathers as if it was a strafing warplane. The deadly feathers speared a couple unfortunate rebels and a few Counter-Strike CTs.

One feather missed Gordon by a single inch and instead plunged itself deep into the flesh of the recently slain Ursa. The first thing on Gordon's mind was to pull out his RPG and shoot it down, but it turned out that he didn't need to do a thing as an X-Wing screamed overhead and blasted the Nevermore into a fiery mess of melting flesh and burning feathers with its laser cannons.

" _This is Luke Skywalker, clear the area! I'm gonna give you a hand._ " He heard said Jedi say into the radio, watching as the X-Wing swung back around and let loose with all four of its laser cannons into the Grimm. The power of the laser cannons easily destroyed any Grimm no matter what type nor how big it was. In one swift and deadly strafing run, the Jedi cleared out a large portion of the Grimm with any survivors being either crippled or dying.

Seeing the opening in the Grimm lines, Gordon led the charge with the infantry hot on his heels, th other heroes coming along right behind them. A messy and shattered group of Grimm stood in their away as the Allies mercilessly finished them off on their glorious charge towards the school. Extensive covering fire from WW2 American troops in the back whittled away at the Grimm while one more strafing run from Luke's X-Wing made sure that the monsters were all nice and squishy for the impending stomping they were about to get.

Gordon's rebels followed him closely as they slipped past the battleine and into the ruins of Beacon Academy proper. They didn't have to worry much about getting outflanked as the other Allies tied down the Grimm in combat, though now they had to contend with a different enemy. When Gordon and his rebels ran into the library of Beacon Academy, they unexpectedly came under fire from the White Fang. Two unlucky rebels bit the bullets as they were shot full of holes, forcing Gordon and the rest of his squad to hide behind some solid bookshelves.

"Jesus Christ, we're fighting guys with guns now? I thought we were just fighting monsters!" A rebel cried, sticking his MP7 out the side and blind firing at where he hoped the enemy was. "What do we now, doc?"

Gordon's response was simple. He pulled out a MK3A2 grenade and smiled, telling his men to do the same.

"Aw yeah, they're not gonna know what hit them!" A female rebel grinned, pulling a grenade out like the rest of them.

All pulled the pins simultaneously, and when Gordon gave the command, they all tossed their grenades over their cover. A few seconds passed before their ears were rewarded with the sounds of several explosions and the screams of their enemies.

"Alright, let 'em have it!" Screamed a rebel as they all peaked out of cover and opened fire on anyone in the open. Gordon chose to move out and use the Gravity Gun to pull over one of the many tables in the library and use it as a mobile shield. A couple of rebels came up behind him and welcomely used the walking cover as Gordon advanced further down the library.

"LOOK OUT!" One of the rebels behind Gordon cried as a Creep dropped down on them from above, landing on said rebel and mauling him to death with its viciously teeth-filled jaws. Not only did it do this, but the creature getting the jump on his group caused them to all be knocked aside and vulnerable to enemy fire. One other rebel was killed when she was riddled full of bullets while another was fortunate enough to duck behind a fallen bookcase for what little cover that's worth.

Gordon himself was forced to drop the table when it happened, and when he picked himself up, he saw the Creep tear the rebel in half and focus it sights on him. Undaunted by the foul creature, the physicist pulled out his ultimate weapon.

The crowbar.

A long shiny piece of red and black metal designed primarily for prying stuff open is his weapon of choice. The Creep gnashed its teeth, lowering its body and bracing its legs as it readied for a brutally direct charge at the scientist. Gordon readied himself as well, waiting for the beast to come at him the same way an Antlion Guard would. When it finally came at him, he sidestepped the beast and gave it a whack across the head with the crowbar. It didn't do much more than temporarily daze it as the creature tripped over itself and tumbled for a bit, regaining its footing a second later where Gordon rushed it.

It didn't even have a second to see Gordon coming when he took the back end of the crowbar and jammed it firmly into the Creep's right eye, causing it to roar out in unbearable pain and rage. Freeman wasn't done there as he quickly pulled the crowbar back out and used both hands for a devastating two handed overhead swing right onto the top of the creature's skull, cracking its bone armor and stunning it even more.

As a natural defensive instinct, the Creep swung its tail in a 360 degree motion the same way a Bullsquid from Xen would and managed to catch Gordon off guard, its spiky tail hitting Gordon hard and sending him skidding backwards until he landed right against a fallen bookcase. Conveniently the same one that one surviving rebel was behind.

Gordon grunted in pain as even though the suit took the brunt of the impact, it still hurt like a motherfucker.

" _Minor fracture. Detected._ " Said the suit's electronic voice, reassuring Gordon's feelings that it hurt.

"C'mon doc, stop messing around!" The surviving rebel told him, continuing to fire off at any White Fang he saw.

Freeman nodded and got back up on his feet, ready to face the monster again. That was until the other rebels stormed upwards and unceremoniously shot the fuck out of the Creep until it was riddled full of holes that it had chunks of its flesh blown off. Gordon stared blankly at his former opponent for a moment before looking over at the rebels. Shrugging, he redirected his attention on the White Fang.

There was still quite a few of the terrorists in the library, and so far they were equally matched with the rebels. That is to say _just_ the rebel soldiers. If Gordon wasn't there then it really would have been an even fight, but the scales were about to be tipped even further as Allied reinforcements in the form of the Left 4 Dead 2 survivors entered the library from the right side.

"Molotov out!" Ellis shouted as he tossed a Molotov over at a group of White Fang on the second floor, pleased to see the burning bodies of the screaming enemy troops as they ran about like flaming chickens.

That wasn't it though, as the lovably Coach got another surprise for the enemy. An M79 grenade launcher with an incendiary 40mm grenade that had the Fang's name on it.

"Eat shit, you punk ass bitches!" Laughed Coach as the grenade launched out an destroyed a portion of the library infested with White Fang, the incendiary properties causing unholy pain to the Faunus terrorists as their flesh burned.

Their sudden internvention opened up a weakness in the White Fang's defense, and Gordon once again led his rebels into the fray where they faced the shattered, broken, and confused Fang in brutal close quarters combat.

With his crowbar out, Gordon was going to go ham on their asses.

The scientist was actually quite agile and mobile despite what some may believe, utilizing a combination of his suit's built in long jump module, sprint boost system, and a technique called bunny hopping. Combining all these aspects together made him unbelievably fast, and by extension quite deadly as he made himself hard to hit yet still able to hit back twice as hard.

All it took was a single blink and the White Fang would have missed him, and they did when he seemingly dropped right on top of them out of thin air!

Using his Crowbar, he shattered the jaw of one hapless White Fang member who didn't even know he was there, and proceeded to use the poor sap as a living shield against his comrades who riddled him with bullets. Gordon flung his crowbar at the nearest Fang where the metal object banged against the fool's head and knocked him out in one go. No time was wasted when Gordon flung out his .357 Colt Python and put a hole in the neck of another Fang, blood spurting out from the hole as Gordon kicked the lifeless body of his meat shield away and fired off the other five rounds in the revolver, adding five more kills.

The rebels and the L4D2 survivors caught up with him by now and joined in on the close quarters battle. At this point the White Fang were already broken and were starting to retreat, but unfortunately most of them were stuck in the library as the Allies were already on top of them.

"Imma whoop your ass, boy!" Coach yelled as he used a frying pan to block a Fang's sword and shove him back, countering with an unnaturally powerful blow to the neck that instantly killed the Fang as it shattered his vertebrae. Unbeknowst to Coach, another terrorist came up behind him and was going to put a bullet in him had it not been for a brave rebel soldier who tackled him and began savagely laying into the Faunus with his bare hands.

Other rebels were similarly brave and savage as their high morale combined with Freeman's presence and the wavering White Fang encouraged them to destroy their enemies.

"Hey man, take your crowbar back!" Ellis said as he handed Gordon his crowbar back, the scientist nodding his head in thanks.

In another couple minutes of fighting, the broken White Fang were finally defeated and the library was clear of hostiles. Now it was on to the courtyard where Gordon and his group were pleasantly surprised to see that the second wave of reinforcements from the BattlePC had finally arrived, meaning that the Allies were on full offense.

What they weren't pleasantly surprised by was the concentration of enemy forces in the center of the school. There was Grimm as far as the eye can see, and the White Fang were fortifying some positions. One such position that they fortified was actually the library until Gordon disrupted it, and they were none too happy about that. In retalliation, the Fang struck back with infantry and two Atlesian Paladins going up to face Gordon.

It wasn't completely terrible though as friendly support was not too far away. Allied forces moved up just the same as Gordon had and were now fighting the brunt of enemy forces. A friendly robot tank from the robotic forces of the mercenaries was kind enough to fire an AP shell into one of the Paladins, utterly destroying it and forcing the other one to get out of its line of sight.

Gordon and his gang weren't about to let the Paladin get away though as they armed their RPGs and fired at the battle mech. Some guided missiles missed their mark as the Paladins dodged them, but others hit right on and gave substantial damage to the mech. The mech's right arm was blown off, it's right leg was heavily damaged, and a few substantial hits to the body disabled some of its weapon systems. With what happens it had left, the Paladins opened fire on the rebels where it tore any rebels out in the open into bloody pieces. Even when heavily damaged was it still a substantial threat, and Gordon wasn't about to let that fly.

The heavy fire coming from the down Paladins alongside the White Fang grunts supporting it made it difficult for the rebels to return fire with anything, and not even Gordon could think of leading a charge into incoming fire like that.

"Here you go, doc." A rebel medic said as she she administered some health to Gordon, supplying his suit with some energy batteries as well while she was at it. Gordon formulated a plan in his head while he was being tended to, decided to enact it as soon as she was finished with him.

"Gordon!? Where the Hell are you going, man!?" Ellis screamed over the heat of battle, watching Gordon go back into the library.

Stepping over the corpses of the recently fallen, Gordon aimed to flank the White Fang through the building on the side where he hopes to catch them off guard. He topped off every single one of his weapons as he slipped through, encountering nothing in the first couple rooms except for the bodies of fallen students, making him grimace at the sight. Poor kids were either shot to death, or mauled by the Grimm...

His attention on the terrible scene was averted when he heard shuffling in the next room over, ducking behind a cover and peering out to see a huge Boarbatusk in the hallway. The thing was so big that it practically filled the hall by itself, shuffling along as it sniffed any corpses it came across. It made Gordon sick just looking at the thing. It reminded him all too much about Xen wildlife infesting the Black Mesa facility where his scientific colleagues were preyed upon by them. Unable to bear the sight any longer, Gordon stepped out of his hiding spot and hosed the pig creature down with his MP7. The weapon's 4.6mm bullets pierced the hide of the creature well enough, but it lacked the raw damage to really put it down. Ultimately, all Gordon did was make the creature angry.

The huge Boarbatusk squealed a demonic bellow as it suddenly curled into a big black ball of fur and bone spikes of death, rolling down the hall at breakneck speeds. Gordon was caught off guard by the creature's unusual attack, and there was no time to react as it closed in on him. The only thing his intelligent mind could think of doing in this situation was to pull out the Gravity Gun and blast the creature back with a surge of energy. He wasn't sure if the force was enough to stop in its tracks, but he had to bet on it.

A blast of energy shot out of the Gravity Gun and punted against the Boarbatusk, getting Gordon to sigh in relief as it was enough to stop the creature instantly, but that's it. It may have stopped the creature's charge, but the creature itself was still perfectly fine as it resumed attacking Gordon by trying to spear him with its many tusks this time.

Gordon intended to blast the creature back one again with a surge of energy, but he accidentally activated the Gravity Gun's secondary function of brining objects toward it. This function does not work against most forms of organic material and Gordon knew this, and it was this knowledge that made him gawk in disbelief as the Boarbatusk resisted the power of the weapon. Apparently the Creatures of Grimm were not organic creatures. The Boarbatusk's attempts at resisting the pull were mildly successdul as all it lost would be one of its tusks, said tusk flying to Gordon and being held in place by the Gravity Gun.

Shrugging as this turned out to be all good news, Gordon pressed the primary fire and shot the stolen tusk right back at the Boarbatusk, the creature's own tusk piercing right through its mouth and planting itself firmly down its throat. The Boarbatusk sputtered and softly squealed for a few moments as it fell on its belly, writhing a bit before finally dying.

Pleased to discover this interesting fact about the Grimm, Gordon kept moving forward as he still had en enemy to outflank. The White Fang did not bother to secure their flank as Gordon came up to them completely undetected. He peered out a window to see how the men he left behind were doing, and it wasn't well. They were still pinned by heavy enemy fire and the Allied forces were too focused on fighting other enemy units to give any help.

Lucky Gordon decided to go for that flanking maneuver then, the scientist pulling out his RPG and taking aim at the unaware Paladin's rear. A single rocket flew out and crashed into the vulnerable mech, destroying its power core where the resulting meltdown caused the entire thing to go up into a blazing inferno of snoke and fire. This had the added effect of stunning and throwing about the White Fang nearby as the blast was that powerful, giving Gordon an open opportunity to mow them down from where he was.

He pulled out an Overwatch Standard Issue Pulse Rifle, simply known as either an OSIPR or much better known as the AR2, and layed bursts of dark energy pulses into any helpless Fang he saw. The Faunus terrorists were utterly terrified as their morale broke once again, struggling to put any resistance to the now advancing rebels and the scientist who got the drop on them.

Gordon saw one Fang in particular who was a female cat person, likely an officer of sorts as she yelled orders to the other Fang to stand and fight. Her status as a relatively important member was solidified as she carried a unique gun sword weapon that was unlike the regular equipment the standard grunt uses. Honestly, Gordon didn't care who or what she was. He came here to kick ass and save people, and that's what he's going to do.

So it shouldn't be surprising when Gordon activated the secondary fire of the AR2 and shot forth a charged dark energy ball that vaporized her immediately as it made contact. She didn't even know what hit her as her body turned black, and then disintegrated into nothing.

Seeing the horrifying death of their squad leader demoralized the White Fang so much that they completely broke and ran away. Gordon ran out to join his men in chasing them down, but this was about where the Battle of Beacon abruptly ended when Gabe Newell banned Salem for her bullshittery and in effect completely neutralized most of the enemy forces.

The rest is history.


	21. Ultra Late April Fools Special

**I missed April Fools' day. By a lot. I'm talking above an entire month by now.**

 **I don't normally miss April Fools' day as that day gives me an excuse to write the stupidest shit I can think of, but uh... problems arose that made me forget about it. Here's a bunch of short joke stories to make up for it. Granted some of these may not actually be jokes but enjoy them regardless. I had fun writing it at least.**

* * *

 **Your Standard Low Effort Smexual Good Stuff**

Okay, so like our story on the BattlePC, right? And then uh... um, you know how like it's Steam 'n shit and we got like all the series on it? Well one day, some crazy shit happened on the BattlePC. Gaben wasn't there as he was doing IRL stuff. So it started when the super cute Neptune from Hyperdimension Neptunia nepped into the BattlePC with all of her friends.

"Wow, so many people from things and stuff I never know." Derped one of them, I dunno, pick one.

"Hey faggot." Claptrap from Borderlands rolled up to the girls. "I think you're fockin' cute."

"Why thank you, frend!" Nep nepped, patting the robot's eye.

"Yeh." He said before rolling away to fuck off and get drunk.

Her spirits super up high, she ran up to a random group of character to introduce herself. That being Team Fortress, Team RWBY, and some other characters. "Hi! Want to be friends?"

"Yeah." They answered all at once.

And so they all happily became friends and hung out with each other. For like twelve minutes, as all Hell broke loose in the BattlePC. It began when they were having a poker tournament between several different characters. Dallas from PAYDAY lost this tournament, and he got like super pissed.

"I'm super pissed." He repeated after me like a good guy. Then without warning, he got his gun out and shot Commander Shepard in the face as he was next to him.

"Oh. I'm dead." Shepard said before getting out of his seat and calmly laying down on the floor, dead.

Dallas committed a crime so severe that it triggered every single Counter-Terrorists came down on his position so hard that it was like a literal flood of bodies flowing into the poker room and washing everything away. All the AWPers fucking put like eight thousand headshots into Dallas' body and he fell to the floor, bleeding out.

"AHHHHHHH I NEED A MEDIC BAG!" He screamed, despite not having a head anymore.

"We gotchu fam." Said the whole PAYDAY crew as they came in and fought the CTs. This triggered the Terrorists from Counter-Strike though, and they joined the PAYDAY crew against their ancient enemies. Terrorists were running around with the bombs, having no idea what to do with them as they couldn't find any big red circled X's to plant them in. Then eventually, the operators from Rainbow Six got involved to as they got so mad at the Terrorists for not knowing what to do with the bomb that they were going to plant the bomb themselves.

"Wow this is pretty cool." Ruby said, eating popcorn with her friends while the other characters on the BattlePC just watched the fight go down as they were neutral.

"Do you know what would be even cooler?" Said Neptune. Not even waiting for a response, she used her Stand. "ZA WARUDO!" All time froze, and Neptune laughed evilly as she was an evil little nugget this whole time. "HAHAHA! YOU THOUGHT I WAS NEPTUNE, BUT IT WAS **ME!** EVIL NEPTUNE!"

"That's where you're wrong, guy..." Claptrap rolled up to her, all drunk and not frozen like everyone else.

"N-NANI!?"

"That's right motherfucker." Claptrap's little robot arm tapped his eyeball, and his robot body unfolded and collapsed into a little cube. That's it. Literally nothing else happened and Evil Neptune was just looking at it in confusion. "I can transform into a cube exempt from time and space."

"Huh... okay." She shrugged, raising her foot and crushing the cube like a soda can.

"Damn." Claptrap cursed as he died, but robots aren't actually alive so I guess he's fine.

"That was easy. Now to do evil things!" Evil Nep laughed like a villain because she was one and liked to do evil things. So her first evil act was to pat the head of all the frozen people here, but before she can do that, someone attacked her with a stand.

" _ **ORA!**_ " Someone shouted as she got punched in the face so hard, the physics engine was unable to process the speed she travelled and so it looked like she teleported across the BattlePC with a bloody nose. Time suddenly resumed and the fight between those other guys continued.

"Yare yare daze, motherfucker..." Ruby sighed, her stand Rose Platinum next to her. "No more Jojo references."

"Okay friend!" Evil Nep nepped happily, putting her stand away. "Hey we should fight. Like, all of us should! It's going to be fun!"

"Sure." She shrugged, unfolding Crescent Rose and deciding to shoot a round at Tachanka from Rainbow Six for no reason. His armor was too stronk and it fucked right off right before hitting him as it didn't want to hurt himself, and the Russian looked at Ruby angrily.

"тача́нка." He said, rolling his DP-28 to fill Ruby full of holes, upsetting her.

"Ah, I got shot." She whined.

"No fucking shit, moron." Tachanka said, continuing to fill her with more bullets.

Right right right, so more of this went on, just a lot of fighting, a bunch of characters died, and the fight ended once everyone got bored.

That is the end of that story. I have spent five centuries writing this. This is the pinnacle of human evolution. The apex of all writing.

Like and subscribe.

* * *

 **Hungry Nora = Scary Nora**

"Nora, have you seen my weapons?" Ren asked his best friend, Nora Valkyrie, who was sitting in their dorm room watching TV. For whatever reason, she didn't turn to look at him or give any sign that she heard him at all, only continuing to watch the TV. Though, strangely there was nothing on the TV. It was turned on, but it was just a blank white screen with nothing interesting on it.

"...Nora?" Ren said warily, getting a little spooked about this highly unusual-

"Yes, Ren?" He heard Nora's voice say, but it didn't sound like it came from the girl sitting on the couch. It sounded more like it came from everywhere at once like the voice of a disembodied ghost.

"Uh... have you..." He paused, beginning to feel real uneasy. "...Have you seen my weapons?"

"I am your weapons, Ren." She answered, but this time the direction of the voice was to his left, and there were the dual pistols of Stormflower lying on the counter. Blinking his eyes as disbelief as he swore they weren't there a second ago, as well as that super strange answer Nora gave him...

"Thank you..." Ren said, grabbing his weapons quickly as he had a suspicion that being here any longer than necessary will end badly for him.

"I can taste your fear, Ren." Nora said again, but this time it came from where she actually was. Shooting his head back to look at her, Ren suppressed the urge to run when he saw she had finally turned to face him. She had a sweet smile on her face, but considering what's happening now there must be something inconceivably dark underneath it. "I am your fear, Ren."

"Y-yeah... you really are." He agreed as that was obvious, beginning to sweat a bit as this was getting too creepy even for him. Without further delay, he turned back and walked as fast and as calmly as he could to the door to leave her presence. He placed a hand on the doorknob, opened the door, and let out a scream of utter horror at seeing who was waiting for him on the other side.

"There is no leaving me, Ren." Nora said, the smile remaning unchanged despite Ren's outburst.

Continuing to scream in terror as there was something very **VERY** wrong with Nora, Ren ran the complete opposite direction and hoped to jump out the window. That hope was dashed when his own weapons flew off of him and tripped him as they swept past his feet. He hit the floor with a loud thud, and flopped around hastily to see that his weapons were hovering above him, but there was something different about them...

"I told you, Ren. I am your weapons, Ren." His weapons both said in Nora's voice, Ren's heart dropping as he saw there were little stickers of Nora's face on the slides of his pistols, and they were moving! "There is no escaping me, Ren." All the Nora's said in the same disembodied voice.

"N-nora! What is happening to you!?" He cried.

"There is nothing happening to me, Ren." The Nora's answered all at once, the couch Nora standing up to join in on this. Then, to his unspeakable horror, he watched as the Nora's began MULTIPLYING! They multiplied so quickly that they filled the entire room in only thirty seconds, and all of them had the same menacing smile of innocence.

"You liar! T-there is something wrong with you! Whatever i-it is, stop it! You're scaring me!" Ren shouted, curling himself into a ball and screaming in terror as they all took a step closer to him in perfect synchronization.

"There is nothing wrong with me, Ren." They all said at once, taking another synchronized step toward him. "I am your friend, Ren." They said, another synchronized step forward. "You shouldn't be afraid, Ren." Yet another step taken, causing Ren's heart to beat faster as he was rapidly losing personal space.

All the Nora's opened their mouths together to say another thing, but then... their stomachs growled, causing all of them to look down at their bellies. For the first time since he's seen it, the smiles all dropped and were replaced with a surprised look. Ren, while still afraid, sat there awkwardly for a bit as the Nora's remained still, looking at their bellies.

"I'm hungry, Ren." Nora said in a whimper. Without warning, they all pounced on top of him at once and yelled out a phrase that always breaks the poor boy when he hears it...

 _"MAKE ME PANCAKES, REN!"_

" _AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_ OKAY NORA! I'LL MAKE YOU PANCAKES!" He screamed in the purest most genuine shriek of terror one can ever hear in their lifetime. Then out of nowhere, all the Nora's disappeared instantly like in the blink of an eye, leaving only one happy Nora left.

"Thank you, Ren!" The apparently real Nora cheered, giving him a hug and lifting him up to his feet. "You're my bestest friend, Ren!" She beamed.

Ren didn't say anything, his face completely devoid of any emotion as he realized what just happened. **_It_** happened again... That awful traumatic experience that happens whenever Nora is hungry and is in need of sustenance in the form of pancakes. Deciding not to question it, he wordlessly went into the kitchen to make some pancakes, much to her absolute joy.

* * *

 **A Horrible Alternate Multiverse**

 **WARNING: TACTICAL CRINGE INBOUND!**

Welcome to Beacon Academy!

Except... this wasn't the Beacon Academy that you and I are familiar with. Where standard Beacon Academy is a place to train huntsmen for the world of Remnant, this version of Beacon Academy trains warriors from all across the myriad spectrum of worlds in the Void. How did this all come to be? Allow me to explain a fairly standard plot for most battle academy anime except not really since this is really pushing it.

Five years ago, the Great War Of The Void was fought when various Japanese visual entertainment companies discovered how to travel the Void and built vast fleets of voidships to establish control over the Void. However, these companies weren't content with sharing the Void despite how it is literally infinite, and violence soon escalated into a secret war of enormous proportions completely unknown to the people of Earth. Enormous fleets of voidships fought each other over every world owned by these companies, and this would continue for a few months until the companies realized that none of them had the economic power to sustain any long wars.

Then, an American entertainment company called Roosterteeth created an animesque show called "RWBY". Great debates on Earth rose up whether RWBY was truly an anime and not, and it got so bad that it threatened to end in total annihlation of humanity on Earth as the fans got more and more violent in their arguing. Seeking to save the world and end these dangerous debates, the Japanese companies all signed a truce and declared war on Roosterteeth, going after their properties with RWBY being the main target of the invasion. Roosterteeth built up their own fleet of voidships, but they can only last so long against the overwhelming combined force of all these Japanese companies coming down on them.

In basically no time at all, Roosterteeth was utterly crushed in the war and was forced to accept the terms of surrender. The terms were simply that Roosterteeth handed over RWBY to these companies and kept control of all their other properties, but they had to pay 25% of all money earned to the Japanese.

Upon acquiring RWBY, the Japanese actually didn't know what to do with it. None of the companies could decide which one should handle the series, and the debates went on for about a month until they all came to an agreement. Instead of leaving RWBY to one company, why not _all_ the companies?

With that said, it was agreed that under the guidance of all the companies, so much anime, manga, and Japanese game influence will be pumped into RWBY that it is completely unrecognizable from how we know it. Soon, RWBY became so anime-like that the debates ended completely as it pretty much was a true anime at this point. It wasn't even called RWBY anymore as it was replaced with a name that was so Japanese that I couldn't type out the full title in English words because it would be too long.

The world was saved. All thanks to a bunch of Japanese companies secretly defeating Roosterteeth in a Void war.

Oh right, and what is this alternate RWBY like? Well... let me just show you instead of telling you.

" _KYAAA!_ You got my clothes all dirty, Setsuna-chan!" Shrieked a distressed, Ikuko, both girls being students of the prestigious battle school known as Beacon Academy where teenagers go to learn how to fight monsters to protect the world. Here they can master a variety of skills that cater to their liking. Skills such as piloting mechs, military hardware, magic, superpowers, and many others.

"Whoopsie~... looks like you're gonna need to take your shirt off then!~" Drooled the really pervy girl known as Setsuna, her grubby fingers twitching as she closed in on her friend.

"A-ah!? NO! St-stop! That tickles!" Giggled Ikuko as Setsuna slipped her shirt off, attracting a crowd of boys with cameras surround her, all their noses bleeding as they watched Setsuna fondle her friend.

Okay... I think that's enough of that. That single glimpse may give you a pretty good idea what this alternate Remnant is like. I dare not go any further into the details as my fucking balls will fall off from shrinking in cringe, my guys.

(...)

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to all the hapless anime as fuck inhabitants of alternate Remnant, an enormous curb stomp of a battle was occuring in the Void outside the portal leading to their world. The entire fleet composed of thousands of voidships from the combined Japanese companies engaged a hostile force that attacked them for seemingly no reason.

The motherfucking BattlePC Expeditionary Force. Gabe Newell has come to put a stop to this damn heresy...

It didn't matter how powerful or how many of the voidships there were, they stood no chance of winning of the battle as the BattlePC and its massive escort fleet comprised of ships from the many series on the platform. Upon cleaning out the enemy fleet and sending their asses back to Japan, the fleet remained outside of the alternate Remnant portal.

"Lord Sir Gabus Newellian. What is the reasoning for coming to this world?" A nondescript Space Marine from Warhammer 40K asked the savior of PC gaming. He and many other characters gathered in the massive war room of the BattlePC where huge flatscreen monitors displayed scans of alternate Remnant.

Gabe Newell gave no answer and simply pressed a button. The pushing of this button led to all the monitors of the BattlePC to show scenes taking place within the world as they spoke, and the images horrified them. Scenes from the most lowest common denominator ass cheapest assembly of Japanese anime tropes all forced into one of the worst anime ever seen, and among them were Setsuna fondling Ikuko's breasts... That is, from a technical standpoint it's really bad. This alternate RWBY is so popular despite its flaws that it has completely overtaken the Japanese entertainment industry and is the hottest thing in the world.

"Dear Emperor..." The Space Marine gasped, somehow feeling dread at seeing something so awful. "WHAT KIND OF SLAANESHI FAGGOTRY IS THIS!?"

"You know what this means..." Said an emotionless Gabe, himself feeling absolutely awful at seeing this.

"EXTERMINATUS!"

"No..." Gabe said, causing the Space Marine to look at him and wonder what else he could possibly have in mind. "An exterminatus will destroy all the money in that world..."

"Then what do you suggest, my lord?"

"What else?" Gabe grinned, brandishing his legendary Banhammer. Turning to face the crowd of assembled BattlePC members who volunteered to take part in this, he began his speech. "I thank you all today for coming, though I have to apologize for showing this fucking disgusting garbage. Seriously, I really am sorry." He apologized with all sincerity. "But as you can see here, this trash must be destroyed. Not only is it literally making anyone who watches it devolve into simple-minded cavemen, but it is also making me lose money because people are more interested in this shit than motherfucking Steam sales!"

The entire crowd gasped in disbelief. How can anything be more popular than Steam sales? Let alone this!?

"So as President of Valve, I ask all of you who volunteered to come with me down into that world and take as much money as we can!" The crowd didn't have much reaction to that. No enthusiasm, no nothing. Just silence. "... AND THEN WE'LL DESTROY IT!"

" ** _YEEEEAAAAH!_** "

(...)

"Geez Setsuna, why did you have to squeeze my boobs that hard, huh?" Whined Ikuko as she and her pervy friend walked to class.

"Ah well, it's not my fault that your boobies are so fun to grab.~" Snickered the girl, causing Ikuko to blush. Then without warning, a rather fat white man with a grey beard slammed into the ground in front of them, landing perfectly on his two feet despite hitting the ground with so much force that it sent a shockwave throughout the entire planet.

"Whoa! Who are you?" Ikuko asked, seemingly not as afraid as she really should be. The man had no response. He merely glared menacingly at the girl as a large yellow hammer materialized in his right hand. Noticeably, it had the English word "BAN" written on the head in big black letters.

"BEGONE, THOTS!" Gaben screamed with primal fury, swinging his hammer at them so fast that they didn't even know they got attacked. Contact with a swing from the banhammer leads to the target instantly disappearing and banished into the Void, unable to return to the world they were banned from.

Then from the heavens, hundreds of portals opened up as the invasion force poured in to cause untold havoc and destruction on this filthy world. In particular, a chapter of Space Marines unique to the BattlePC called "Gaben's Banners" landed in hundreds of drop pods for quick insertion into the battlefield, all of them more then willing to scrub this world free of heresy.

(...)

"Wow... glad I'm not a part of that..." Ruby said in disbelief, watching the battles on the world progress through a TV screen. She came to the BattlePC with her friends to hand out in this place and maybe even meet new people aside from Team Fortress, but they never thought they would get to witness a world invasion.

"And that place is supposed to be Remnant? Like, our Remnant but _waaaaay_ different?" Said Yang as she still couldn't believe that part when she heard it. It didn't feel right at all looking at this other world. Sure it was an alternate Remnant, but even from someone not from actual Remnant was this place unpleasant to look at.

The group pasued and watched some of the live recordings of the battle on the surface, Gabe Newell effortlessly defeating every opponent who opposed him and his forces with a single touch from the Banhammer. Since the Banhammer banished those hit by it into the Void, warships and on-station defenses vaporized anyone whisked away from that world and into the Void.

"You know... I still have trouble understanding this. How does this place even exist if we're still owned by Roosterteeth?" Blake asked.

"Because..." Said Gaben from the screen, looking straight at it as if he heard what she said. "This is an alternate multiverse altogether, and I have crossed the Voidal gap between them to invade this one. Starting with this world!"

"PURGE THE HERETICS!" The Space Marines around him roared.

"Oh... okay then. He can hear us through the screen..." Trailed Blake, just as dumbfounded as everyone else.

"Yeah." Gabe nodded, continuing to slaughter the anime as normal.

"Wait, hold on a second... if this is an alternate multiverse... then does that mean this multiverse has their own version of the BattlePC?" Weiss wondered, causing Gaben to freeze.

Ignoring the attacks on his unstoppably flawless godly skin, his eyes widened and his jaw dropped. "Oh my God..." He said under his breath. Just then, a massive object came out of hyperspace and appeared close to the BattlePC with is own escort fleet. That object was the Crunchyroll Super Dreadnought Computer, this multiverse's version of the BattlePC. Immediately, Gaben teleported all his forces out of alternate Remnant and back into the BattlePC, leaving the world in shambles.

"I won't give them the pleasure of existing any longer... DELET DIS!"

"Yes, milord. Commence firing procedures."

The starboard side of the BattlePC opened up to reveal it had a superlaser very similar in appearance to that of the Death Star's. Instead of several green beams coming together to form one super beam, this one simply charged up a mega yellow beam. This yellow beam was so powerful, that when fired at alternate Remnant it literally deleted the world. It wasn't that it was just destroyed, but more like it was deleted from all existence with any records of it or the characters within being totally gone.

"HA! DELETED!" Gabe laughed.

"You will pay for that, American BAKA!" From a screen, the image of a little ass anime loli with a pout appeared. She was extremely scantily clad...

"OH GOD! KILL THE FEED! KILL THE FEED!" A crewman screamed as they all averted their eyes from her so as to not go to jail.

"It's gonna be so sugoi when we destroy you all desu~" She giggled, causing Gaben to scoff.

"Pffft, as if little girl. I will stop you from leeching off my money!"

"Ara? I'm not a little girl you stupid gaijin! I'm a vampire empress and I'll have you know I'm 7000 years old!"

Gaben smashed the screen with the Banhammer after hearing that, well, technically banning the screen from the BattlePC but you get it. "ALL HANDS! MAN YOUR BATTLESTATIONS! WE SHALL REMOVE THE WEEB MENACE AND PROFIT FROM THIS MULTIVERSE AS WELL!"


	22. Nora and Demoman's Big Adventure!

**Non-canon, but potentially could be.**

 **Set back when thing weren't so shifty. When the school was just fine and things were fun and happy.**

* * *

Singing birds were the first thing to greet Nora's senses when she woke up. Her body was a little sore just about everywhere, but that didn't stop the mighty Nora from waking up. The girl stirred, her body aching didn't allow her to move too quickly just yet, but her aura was sure to fix that soon enough.

"Ow... what happened?" She asked herself. Her vision was a little blurry and dazed, but she could feel that her clothes were soaking wet and it felt really cold against her skin. As she waited for her vision to restored to her, her other senses detected what sounded like a running source of water nearby. Maybe that was why she was wet, but she felt no water moving against her body and just felt solid ground.

Giving a little effort to pick herself up, her vision finally returned and she saw that she was in a forest, and there indeed was a river close by. It was all coming back to her now, the robbery, the airship crash, the hectic events of last night. She remembered the last thing before blacking out was falling over the edge of a waterfall with Demoman while they were being chased by Grimm. They must've drifted quite far, as Nora saw no sign of the waterfall anywhere.

"Demoman?" She called, looking around for the Black Scotsman she was with last night.

There was no sight of the black cyclops anywhere, but she did notice his flakvest, shirt, undershirt, socks, and shoes were laid out on a flat rock to dry in the Sun. There was also a small smoking campfire with Demo's Grenade Launcher, Eyelander, his backpack, and Nora's own Manghild laid against a tree. That was enough to tell her that he was around the area, and she fully stood up and checked herself for any injuries. There was nothing out of the ordinary besides the aching in her body, but she was otherwise fine. Her clothes were also perfectly fine despite being wet, and that was a welcome relief.

If she had to guess, it looked like Demoman dragged her out of the water and left her to dry out in the Sun like a beached fish.

Taking a moment to stretch out her aches first, she walked over to the dying campfire and looked around for her professor.

"Demoman?" She called out once more. "Hello? Where are you?" No response was received, at least not in the form of a voice. It wasn't really a response more than it actually being a coincidental explosion really close by, and it startled Nora as it was totally unexpected in the serene calmness of the forest. "Yep, he's close..." Nora softly smiled to herself, because who else besides her would be causing explosions around here? Her thoughts were confirmed when the Scotsman himself appeared from the treeline, shirtless and barefoot with the Sticky Launcher and in carry. Also, Nora noticed he appeared to have covered himself in tribal looking black paint for some reason, and he had like twigs and leaves as a sort of poorly done camouflage.

"Damn, looks like using stickies for hunting wasn't a good idea..." Demo sighed to himself disappointingly. "Damn you deer and your natural senses!"

"Hi Demmy!" Nora waved happily once she saw him, not minding that he was half dressed. "What's with the getup?"

"Morning lass, good to see you're awake." He smiled, happy to see something was going right this morning. "And this? Why lass, this is my survival suit!"

"Survival suit?" Nora tilted her head in confusion. "So you just took your shirt off and glued some leaves onto yourself?"

"Uh... aye, but it's so I can hide from the damned fulled eyed creatures of nature! These greens and browns make my appearance harder to see in the forest." Demo claimed proudly as if this was a totally sound idea.

"But... your pants are bright red." Nora pointed out. "All that's going to waste if the creatures see a walking pair of pants in the forest."

"..." Was Demo's response, too proud to admit that she was right but also too afraid to respond. "...anyway, I think it's going to be a little while before rescue comes for us, lass. I've been up all morning after dragging ye out of the river, and I haven't seen a single bloody sign of rescue or any people at all." He said rather seriously, sitting by the dying fire and throwing a couple sticks into it. "If there's anyone looking for us, they haven't found us yet."

Nora nodded her head in understanding, but then a gentle breeze reminded her of how cold she was from her wet clothes. Shivering and throwing her arms around herself to keep warm, she went over to the growing fire to get herself heated up. She sat directly across from Demoman and enjoyed how warm the fire was. Still, her clothes needed to be dried, and they couldn't do that while she was still wearing them. That'd be inconvenient and uncomfortable.

"Hey Demoman, mind if I dry my clothes too?" She asked. Demo's one eye widened, and he looked at her with a questioning gaze. "Like, can I put my clothes by yours? So they can dry in the Sun?"

"Erm... yes, but lass, you're a girl." He said, pointing the stick he was using to prod at the firewood at her.

"Uh, yeah, so what?" She said, not getting what he was trying to say.

"So what? Lass, if you were to take your clothes off and lay 'em to dry, then that means you'd be walking around half naked like me." He explained. When Nora still didn't seem to quite get it, he breathed a loud sigh. "Bloody Hell, I'm saying it'd be wrong if a young lass like you was barely dressed around ole Demo!"

"O-oh..." Nora blushed, finally realizing what he was trying to say. "But... how am I going to dry myself then? I can't walk around with wet clothes like this. And I don't have any other clothes to change into..." She said. Demo completely understood what she was saying, but he still was highly uncomfortable with the idea. Soon, he sighed and came up with a simple solution.

"Alright lass, tell ye what. I'm gonna wait out in the trees and let ye change. You can go ahead and wear me shirt if you'd like." He said, standing up to walk out into the forest like he said he would.

"Thanks Demo!" Nora beamed, rushing over to the rock where Demo had left his clothes to dry. True to his word, Demo went out into the treeline and waited. He dared not look back until she gave the call that she was ready, so until then he was just going to hang out here. There was a small clearing that was just out of sight of the river shore, and this was where he would sit on a fallen log and wait.

Listening to the sounds of the natural world, Demo sighed in relaxation. Despite everything that's happened to him in the last 24 hours alone, this wasn't the worst situation he's ever been. In fact, this might be one of the more tame survival threatening adventures he's had. Biggest difference between this time and all the other times though was that he wasn't alone or with a group of other grown men. No, this time he was on life threatening adventure with a teenage girl, and that's what really worried him. Demo's no stranger to danger or even death, but the fact that this girl was out here alone with him made him so very anxious for her safety. Nora was perfectly capable of fighting, that's for sure, but from what his experience with her throughout the past day, he learned that Nora hated to be alone and also it was the worst feeling in the world whenever she was sad.

He couldn't help but feel that he was obliged to protect her. Of course, that was just because he was her professor and what sane man wouldn't protect another innocent life, but he also felt something else. It was just that Nora felt like a good friend to him already, and in Demo's experience good friends are family. Just look at him and his team. They may hate each other and harm each other on a daily basis, but at the end of the day they've been through so much together that they know that they can (loosely) trust each other with their lives. It wasn't just Team Fortress that was his family, but he's also starting to include Ms. Paling and even the few students they're close to in Beacon as part of it.

With that in mind, it was only his honor as man to protect those he cared for, and Nora fell into that category. And why wouldn't she? She's one of the most sweetest and happiest girls he's ever met in his life. Not only is she sweet, but she's also an avid lover of the art of explosives as well as generally being an all around fun person to be around. How could he not at least respect that? Her levels of silliness remind him of the old days when sometimes battles between RED and BLU are interrupted by random parties or things so outlandish that both teams just couldn't keep fighting after witnessing it. Like one time how a bomb cart was launched into orbit when he accidentally laid too many stick traps under it, now that was a laugh the mercs had for days afterwards.

"Okay Demo! You can come out now!" He heard her girly voice give the word. Getting up, he walked back to the river and found the girl sitting by the campfire. A smile was had when he saw she was messing around with Eyelander. The girl was wearing his white undershirt though he was fine with that too, and it was rather big on her small frame. His shirt was so big that it was really baggy when she wore it, and it fell all the way down to her thighs. At least she decided to still wear her skirt, he was glad for that.

"Wow! You weren't kidding when you said this sword could talk!" Nora said in amazement as she inspected Eyelander to see what could possibly be making the voice of the supernatural sword.

" _Ow! Hey! Not so rough, sister!"_ The sword complained.

"Cool! Where'd you find him, Demmy?" The girl asked with stars in her eyes, much to the sword's discontent.

" _That's a story I do not want to be reminded of! Now hands off!"_

"Make me." Nora grinned, teasing the silly little ghost sword.

" _Make you? Wha-I don't- ARGH!"_

"Alright lass, that's enough playin' around with Eyelander now. Put him down." Demo ordered her, but he was smiling from how silly and funny Eyelander's problem was.

" _Ahhhh_... but do I have to?" Nora whined, giving Demo puppy eyes while hugging the sword. "He's so cool!"

" _I am-wait... cool? Oh, uh... I guess I am pretty cool, right?"_

"Yep!" Nora beamed. Then, as a sign of friendship, she tapped the sword right on the middle of the guard. "Boop!" Eyelander seemed to have had a complete change of heart, because now he was enjoying this flattery. Somehow, I guess you can saw he was 'blushing' as he giggled from her praise. " _Awwwww~_ Who's a cute sword?"

He already admitted it to himself before, but Nora was just so adorable in that little sister kind of way, or daughter if you consider the age difference. Seeing her happy made him happy, and to celebrate Nora joining the family, he decided to take a long drink of his scrumpy.

"Why do you drink so much, Demmy?" The girl asked. "You know drinking that nasty stuff isn't good for you."

"Huh?" Oh, she even acts like a responsible younger sister too, keeping ole Demo in check n' stuff... "Oh, well you see lass, drinking this is actually good for me health." Demo claimed, giving the Scrumpy bottle a little shake for emphasis.

"What? No it's not!" She grinned, not believing him in the slightest for obvious reasons.

"Oh, I wish I was lying lass... but then that would also be a lie." He stopped a moment and took a quick drink, wiping his mouth before continuing. "You see lass, Demo here's been drinking for me entire life. I've been drinking so much that I need the bloody stuff to live! Without me daily drink, I'll be nothing but a weak wee baby!"

"Really? _Noooo_ , that can't be true!" She chuckled, thinking it was all just a zany joke.

"You wish..." He laughed himself, taking yet another drink before popping a belch that made Nora giggle. "Welp, at least my body has a high alcohol tolerance."

They both stopped talking after that. Nora contently kicked her feet up in the air while humming some tune, and Demo just continuing to drink his Scrumpy. The charming redhead had a big smile on her face, finding a way to be happy even after what had happened last night. She was glad that Demo's spirits were just as high as hers though. Normally when people are thrown in a lost in the woods situation with monsters everywhere like this, they're all sad and hopeless. Not her and Demo though, she and him were bomb buddies! There's nothing they can't handle...

*tummy growl*

Nora slightly blushed in embarrassment when her tummy suddenly rumbled, throwing her hands on her stomach as it begged for food. She saw Demo had noticed, and gave a nervous smile to her Scottish friend.

"Huh... hey Demmy, do you have anything to eat?" The girl asked, to which he shook his head. "But I'm really hungry though! We missed breakfast!"

"Sorry lass, but you're gonna have to wait. I'm too tired to-" A loud growling interrupted him, for Demo looked down and saw his own stomach was growling. This got a little giggle from Nora, before her own stomach forced her to shut up. Then, she had a bright idea.

"I know! I can search my pockets for snacks!" She dinged, complete with a magical light bulb over her head. Eagerly, she jumped up and ran over to the flat rock where the clothes were drying. Like a little thief, she began searching her pockets through and through for anything that can be eaten. Much to her disappointment, all the snacks that she stowed away had washed out when she was drifting down the river. On the other hand, she did find something that brightened her spirits up to levels that pierced the roof.

"Hey! Demo look! I still have my scroll!" Nora cheered, holding the device up high in the air for him to see. Much to her satisfaction, the Scotsman had fallen out of his seat in surprise and came running over to her.

"You had that bloody thing this whole time!? Never mind! Just use it so we can get rescued!" He yelled. It wasn't an angry yell, more like an encouraging satisfied happy yell, and Nora was more than eager to please him.

The girl opened up the scroll and actually squealed in delight when she saw it was working just fine despite all the events that had transpired. Giddily, she went into her contacts and tapped on the one belonging to Ren. Seeing his face again, made her feel all warm and tingly inside. So she tapped on the icon belonging to Ren and couldn't stop herself from hopping up and down as she waited for the call to connect.

"Well is it working? Is it lass?" Demo asked with a smile.

"Shhhh! It's still connecting!" She shushed him. It was a tense wait for the call to go through, and both of them were getting more and more anxious. To their dismay, the call didn't go through. "What!? No service!?" Yeah well, what else were you expecting? You're far into a deep forest with no communications relay in range of you.

"Ah poop..." She said sadly, putting her scroll away. Worse yet, her stomach reminded her of how hungry she was but with a vengeance. Nora fell to her knees with this next wave of tummy growls. " _Ahhhhhhhh_... so hungry..." She cried. Then, she heard what sounded like wood being sharpened, and saw Demo whittling a stick down into a fine point with the Prinny Machete.

"Welp lass, looks like there's only one solution to this problem..." He said menacingly, lifting up the spear as if to throw it at her.

"DEMO NO!" Nora cried. The girl flinched and shut her eyes when Demo threw the spear, but she did not expect to hear laughter instead.

"Hahaha! Relax girl, Demo's just messing with ye." The Scotsman laughed, lowering the spear.

Nora however, was not laughing. The girl puffed and huffed with little embarrassed tears in her eyes at Demo's little stunt here. Standing up with a cute puff of frustration, she stomped over to her Scottish friend and gave him a deserved punch to the arm. "That was really mean!"

"Ow! Hehe... it was just a joke, lass..." Demo continued to chuckle, though the insanely powerful girl's punch did make his arm feel a little numb. Still in a good mood about things, he gave Nora a pat on the head and handed her the wooden spear he just made. He couldn't help but smile at how the cute the girl's face looked at being patted on the head.

"What am I going to do with this?" She asked, before stars filled her eyes. "Are we going to go hunting caveman style!?"

"Haha, no. That's just for later." Demo said.

"Later? Then how are we going to get food?"

Demo's response was plain and simple, but a response that Nora appreciated and easily understood. The Scotsman simply picked up his Grenade Launcher and spun the cylinder around. Nora didn't say a word either, only getting a huge and eager smile on her happy little face.

* * *

 **Five Minutes Later**

The river was nice and calm. Nature's beauty-

*KABOOM!*

Welp, nevermind.

Explosion after explosion sent rippled and mighty splashes of water everywhere as two certain grenade launchin' maniacs had an absolute ball at bombarding the shit out of this poor river. If the river was alive and sentient, it would definitely be yelling at the both of them to quote, 'FUCKING STOP.' Of course, they weren't blowing up the water for no reason, blowing up the water isn't actually their intention at all. It just so happened that the water was in the way of what they were really after.

TONS O' TASTY FISH!

Both Demo and Nora were only shooting grenades into the water to catch some damn fish, it wasn't like the water was getting hurt or anything like that. Multiple bombs seemed necessary too as the river was like unusually devoid of fish _and_ combined with how they couldn't see through the water where the fish were. Soon enough though, a lucky grenade from Nora hit home and a splash of water had more contained in it than just H2O. This proves that explosions are the solutions to a lot of problems! And the best way to handle any situation too!

"LOOK! I GOT THE FISH! I GOT THEM!" Nora cheered really loudly of her accomplishment. It was no exaggeration when I say here that fish began falling out of the goddamn sky, and the two of them were more than eager to run around catching them. Nora was using the bagginess of Demo's undershirt to catch fish like a net, while Demoman was running around with his red T-shirt.

They had a decent load of finish even if they didn't catch the ones that fell back downstream, but it was all fine and good to them now for breakfast was served! Using the spear he scared Nora with earlier, Demo impaled a dozen of the medium sized river fish onto it and let them cook over the fire in a spit roast sort of fashion. The wonderful aroma of their future food made both of their mouths water. Demoman dutifully spun the fish around so that they were cooked evenly, while Nora couldn't stop herself from drooling from the smell. If Demoman wasn't there, Nora would've probably eaten up the fish before they were even done cooking.

After a while, the fish was finally ready to eat, and let me tell you how none of them even hesitated on gorging themselves with the fish. They were so hungry, that both of them each ate at least five of these decently sized fish!

"Ohhhhh... that hit the spot..." Nora sighed happily, giving her pleased belly a pat. Demo didn't say anything, but he too was more than content with how he murdered the fuck out of his hunger by stuffing his belly with fish. He and Nora committed stomach manslaughter so gruesome, that the stomach cops would have to arrest them and beat them with their batons as per the law of the Human body.

"So, what do we do now?" Nora asked.

"Just sit back and relax for now, lass..." Demo sighed, lying back and letting the Sun wash over him. Seeing no reason why she shouldn't, Nora also laid back and gave out quite the happy sigh.

You know, for getting stranded out in a forest and getting your camped attack, this isn't so bad. It was all thanks to her good friend Demoman, and she couldn't be more than thankful to the Heavens that he's here with her. Demoman's company was a joy to her, and she would go far as to say she loved Demo just as much as the rest of her friends back in Beacon. That went to the rest of the mercenaries too she guessed, but at being reminded of her pals back at Beacon really did make her miss them. Especially Ren...

She hadn't seem him since yesterday, and it was making her feel anxious just to see him again.

"Hey Demo?"

"Yeah?"

"When do you think we can go back to Beacon?"

"Whenever rescue comes, lass." Demo answered simply, still lying flat on his back on the soft grass.

Then, completely out of nowhere, some kind of aquatic Grimm that looked like a salamander. The beast roared at the Humans, making Demo and Nora look at it with the same look one would give a guy who interrupted something important. Apparently, it was attracted by all the distortions in the water caused by the explosions, and it had come to fuck these Humans up.

*SHINK*

...if Demoman hadn't casually thrown the spear he used to cook the fish on right into it's roaring mouth. The creature sputtered a bit, not fully comprehending what had just happened to it as it fell back into the water before dying from its obviously fatal injury.

"Bastard..." Demo groaned. The appearance of that one beast was enough to ruin his relaxation, and so he sat up.

"That was... anti-climactic." Nora said. She honestly expected some fight to happen, and was surprised to see it dealt with so quickly.

"Maybe so, but it'll show that damned beast to know better than to come showing its ugly face in front of two warriors." Demo reasoned. "The nerve of these bloody idiot monsters..."

"Do you think there's more of them?" Nora asked, suddenly becoming weary of the water as she casted a fearful glance to the river.

"Most likely, but don't fret lass. You and me can take any Grimm together." Demo gave her an assuring smile, a smile that Nora appreciated and was happy to return.

Then, both of their heads shot up to the sky when they heard a very distinct sound. It was a distant low droning sound, but it got louder and more pronounced the closer it got. It was an airship. In excitement, both Demo and Nora scrambled up to their feet upon seeing the airship, and the very sight of the airship filled both of them with hope because it was a Bullhead with Beacon's symbol on it!

"Hey! Hey! We're down here!" Nora yelled, waving her arms wildly to catch the ship's attention.

While she was doing so, Demoman gently pushed her aside and pointed his Grenade Launcher into the air. He then pulled the trigger and a grenade went sailing into the air. The grenade wasn't going to reach nowhere near the height of the airship as the fuse on the grenade wouldn't last that long, but it was more than enough to achieve its goal of attracting the plane's attention. Once the fuse ran out, it blew up in mid air and Demo and Nora anxiously waited to see if it worked. Of course it did, as the ship flew over and circled back to their location.

"We're going to be rescued! We're going to be rescued!" Nora cheered. The girl couldn't help but bounce up and down in delight, getting so excited that her pure energy radiated off and infected Demoman. Soon, both of them were hugging each other and bouncing up and down in joy.

Suddenly, roars were heard in every direction. Demo and Nora still held each other as their heads shot around at the sources of the noise. Just like last night, the treeline rustled with activity and the distinct sounds of creatures and monsters howling and growling surrounded them. The creatures must've been attracted by the approaching airship! The technology and construction of it must be making them go insane!

As if by instinct, Demo and Nora looked each other in the eyes and nodded. There was only one logical explanation to this, and it was a fight. The airship was only a minute off, but if one knows anything about combat, a minute feels like an eternity while in battle. Besides that, that was still a minute of standing your ground with overwhelming odds rushing against you.

Demoman ran over to his backpack and got out the Scottish Resistance. With this special weapon, he laid down a perimeter of sticky traps in preparation for the upcoming battle. Nora got prepared herself, reloading Magnhild and shifting it to hammer form. There was a grin on her face, the grin of a girl ready to crack some Grimm skulls. Once Demo was finished laying the traps down, he got back to back with her and held his Grenade Launcher at the ready.

"Alright lass, we got to hold them back!" Demo yelled, eyeing the treeline just as the first Beowolves launched forward. "INCOMING!" He shot a pipe at the Beowolf closest to him, and the explosion was enough to splatter the beast into several pieces while also stumbling the others around it. Pipe after pipe was sent towards the advancing Grimm until they were right on top of them.

Nora was far more straightforward with her approach, because now it was HAMMER TIME. With an evil little snicker, Nora pounced on the nearest Grimm with an overhead slam of Magnhild right onto its head, crushing it into black mush and bone fragments. Keeping her evil grin, she gleefully counter charged into the Beowolves with all her energy being converted into ferocity and raw power as she thought these beasties the definition of hammer time.

Back to Demoman, the Scot smashed the butt of his Grenade Launcher against the face of a minor ursa so hard that the bear's faceplate cracked into several pieces. He loaded a single grenade into the weapon and shot the pipe right into its head. It exploded on impact, killing it instantly and Demo used the force of the explosion to jump away over to Eyelander and his backpack.

"Ready to collect some heads, ye wee butter knife?" Demo said to the sword as he raised it in fighting position.

" _HEADS!_ " The sword hissed in all its supernatural glee.

From behind him, a large Beowolf came out and rushed him with a swipe attack. Demo held Eyelander to block and successfully did so, but then the headbutted him. Demoman, though dazed, responded by headbutting back. That may have not been a good idea since now both of them were dazed, but at least Demoman had the sense to decapitate it with a wild swing from Eyelander.

Both combatants faced down the incoming horde of Beowolves with some Ursas and Creeps thrown into it while they waited for the airship to come and save them. They fought tooth and nail with these monsters, their spirits high and their ability to fight even higher. Every now and then, Nora or Demoman would launch an explosive out to rekted some Grimm whenever they had room to do so. They fought well, worthy of legend even, all waiting patiently for the airship to...

...fly over them.

"Wait! Where are you going!?" Nora yelled after braining a Beowolf with her hammer.

The airship wasn't going anywhere, it was actually circling around the area at an altitude high enough for the Grimm to not reach it. It soon became clear that it was too hot for the airship to touch down. If they wanted to be rescued, they had to either kill all these Grimm, or find somewhere safer for it to land. Neither of those options were plausible at all as the Grimm were storming in from every directions, meaning that it's gonna be a while before they could clear out the Grimm and it was gonna be difficult finding somewhere safer with all these Grimm on them.

So logically, Demoman thought of a third option. If they can't run or fight them all, then they'll just get on the airship. Simple as that.

Shoving a Beowolf away before cleaving its head off with Eyelander, Demoman got out the Sticky Jumper and laid a single practice bomb down.

"Come on lass! We're getting out of here!" He yelled.

"Huh!?" Nora looked over her shoulder as she was literally forced to punch a Beowolf away when it was too close for her hammer to strike. "But Demo, I thought you said we can take on anything!" She yelled, looking over to even more Grimm rushing across the river. These Grimm though, were more salamanders like the one he killed earlier, and Nora seemed to be a little afraid since Demoman was actually right about that.

"We can! I didn't say we were gonna leave without killing them all!" Yelled the Scot.

"Come on you two! Get up here!" A voice amplified through a speaker system yelled. Obviously, it was the voice of the airship pilot as he hovered right above Nora and Demoman. The co-pilot had kicked down a swaying rope ladder for them to climb up on, though they were still hovering just out of reach for any Grimm to jump up and get to them. Said co-pilot was also shooting down at the Grimm with a pistol in an effort to help in any way he could.

"Go! I'll cover ye!" Demo ordered her. The girl hesitated, looking back and forth between the airship and him. "Just go!" Demo yelled again, as he began launching multiple sticky bombs all over the place while simultaneously keeping the Grimm away from him with Eyelander.

Without a word, Nora nodded and shifted Manghild into its grenade launcher form. Before she was able to fire at her feet and launch up though, an Ursa had run up behind her and slammed her into a tree. Nora grunted in pain from the attack, but if anything the sudden rush of pain just gave her a dose of adrenaline. With a grin, she jumped over the Ursa's next attack which ripped the tree right out of the ground and on top of its head. Giving it a little wink, she shot a grenade right down into its brain and launched right up into the airship.

She launched herself so perfectly, that she landed right into the compartment in what could be considered a perfect 10 if this were the Olympics. Happy that she actually made it, she looked back out to see if Demoman had made it as well. He did not. The Scotsman was too swamped in Grimm to even move from his current spot, desperately cleaving and slicing through Grimm with Eyelander as he tried to reach the one practice bomb he laid for himself to escape. Nora gasped, fearful of what were to become of Demoman if he didn't get up here soon.

"Ah crap, he's not gonna make it!" The co-pilot beside Nora yelled, continuing to shoot with his pistol until the gun ran empty. Nora didn't want to hear him say it, but the more time Demoman spent down there, the more it seemed likely that he wasn't going to come back from this. Worse yet, the Grimm had wisened up and were now throwing stuff at the airship. The rocks and logs were proving dangerous as the ship began taking damage from the projectiles.

"We can't stay long! Tell him to get up here or else we're leaving!" The pilot yelled back from the cabin.

"No! Don't leave yet! He's still out there!" Nora yelled.

Thinking quickly, she immediately shifted Magnhild into grenade launcher form and began laying down explosive covering fire for the Scotsman down below. Grimm body parts and Grimm in general were thrown about and spewed all over the place from the explosive force of her bombs, and for a moment it appeared to be working. The Grimm were clearing up around Demoman and he was finally able to make his way over to the practice sticky.

However, the Scotsman then made a detour that made everyone on the airship's heart drops. He went _past_ the bomb and went straight for their clothes left out on the rocks. They were yelling at him to just forget about the clothes and get up here so they can leave, but he kept going anyway. Nora kept laying down covering fire for him, helping him out as much as he could. Multiple Grimm were wiped away in pink explosions from her grenades, while any that made it to Demoman had to face Eyelander and the buffs the sword gave him every time he took a head. With some difficulty, he made it to the rock and gathered the clothes up and stuffed them into his backpack. Now that they were secure, he used the charge ability of the Splendid Screen to dash right through any Grimm in his way toward the Practice bombs he laid down.

Jumping right above the bomb, he detonated it while he was still in midair so that he sailed right up to the ladder. Though it might have been barely enough as Demo's fingers were just barely out of reach of the ladder. Demo and Nora both had the same look of fear in their eyes, knowing full well that the Scotsman was going to fall right back down into the tide of black fur and red eyes below.

"DEMO!" Nora screamed. Not really thinking about what could've happened to her, she fell down with only one arm holding onto the very bottom of the ladder as she caught the Scotsman just before he was out of reach.

"Alright! She got him! Go go go!" The co-pilot yelled. With that said, the ship began moving away from the area at full speed. The Grimm tried to give chase and even continued throwing logs and boulders at the ship, but the ship was far too fast and maneuverable now.

As for Nora and Demoman, the two couldn't believe what they had just pulled off and were now laughing madly to each other in victory. They didn't actually say anything to each other yet until they both climbed into the safety of the airship's compartment, still laughing like crazy people while the co-pilot folded the rope ladder up, a smile on his face as he couldn't help but feel happy for them too.

"We did it! That was so close! IthoughtweweregonnastaydownthereandfightbuthtenyousaidweshouldrunandthenIsaidwhybutthenyoutoldmetojustgoandthenIdidandthenyoustayeddownandyouwereinbigtroubleandthenI-" Nora took a deep breath, her motor mouth exhausting her more than it really should.

"Shhhh... I know lass!" Demo hushed her with a smile. "But we're not done yet!" He said. Throwing an arm around Nora's shoulder, he faced her out towards where the Grimm were still swarming their campsite. Then, he gave her the Sticky Launcher and showed her the detonator on it. "Honor's yours, lass." He grinned.

With stars in her eyes, she took hold of the detonator like it was some sort of precious birthday present. She looked to Demo one last time where the Scotsman gave her a big nod of approval, and then with a big ole grin on her cute face, she pressed the button.

The explosion was so powerful, that it utterly obliterated the campsite and wiped the Grimm from the area completely. Like, the area was wiped so clean that there was an actual crater right next to the river, and water began flooding into the gaping hole. Looks like Demoman, or rather Nora just created a new lake. The explosion itself was nothing to scoff at either. It was a vibrant and bright orange and yellow explosion with light intensity so high that it actually nearly blinded them all. The force of the explosion also nearly knocked the airship out of the sky, but it wasn't like they cared much since the ship was still flying.

"THAT WAS SO COOOOOOOOOOOL!" The peppy girl squealed with a voice loud enough to be heard from miles away.

"Haha! It truly was lass!" Demo patted her on the back.

"Geez, you guys think you could've blown up the place _after_ we reached a safe distance? You almost blew me out of the ship!" The co-pilot complained.

His complaint fell on deaf ears though as Nora was too busy bombarding Demoman with how cool their adventure was. The girl couldn't stop running her little mouth with all the excitement she's had in the last 24 hours alone, and it was all thanks to her best buddy Demoman. She couldn't help but throw her arms around him in a big ole hug, and Demoman couldn't help but do the same.

"Everyone's gonna be so jealous about our adventure, Demo! They're gonna be like 'Oh Nora, you're so cool'! Then I'm gonna say 'Just a normal day for Action Nora!' And they'll be like 'I wish we can have adventures like you!' _Ohhhhhhhh_ , you're the bestest bomb buddy I've ever had!" The girl squealed in her uncontrollable excitement, hugging Demoman even harder to the point where he felt her turning his body into jelly.

"Ack! Take it easy, girl! Save your hugs for that boy you love so much at the academy!" Demo said jokingly, though his face and tone clearly showed that he was in pain. Nora did not take his joke lightly, as she immediately turned red at being reminded of Ren.

"DEMO! I TOLD YOU ALREADY THAT REN AND I AREN'T TOGETHER LIKE THAT!" Nora cried, beginning to bump her fists against Demo's chest rapidly like an embarrassed little daughter on her father meddling with her affairs.

"Ow! Ow! Ah! Stop it girl!" Demo laughed at how adorably embarrassed she was. "Just be glad I bothered to bring our clothes back before those monsters feasted on 'em." He said fondly, grabbing the girl's clothes and handing it to her. Still angry, she gave a little huff as she harshly took them back.

" _Thanks..._ " She muttered out.

"No problem, lassie. Now you better change out of me shirt before your little boyfriend laughs at ye for wearing me shirt." The Scotsman said, deliberately aware of what he was triggering.

 **"DEMO!** **"**


	23. Soldier's War Stories 1

**Hey everyone I want to stop by and just post this thing I've been working on for a while now but didn't finish until recently.**

 **This was supposed to be a non-canon short that could potentially become canon with minor changes back when I was doing that kind of thing about a year ago and beyond, but now I repurposed it as a super late 4th of July special.**

 **Why? Because Soldier would rip my arms off and burn them back on using the charcoal from his grill as he cooked some badass freedom steaks.**

 **Yeah... so enjoy this while I keep working on my other stuff.**

 **Note: Try not to leave a comment using your fanfiction account or else you won't be able to post one when I replace this with the actual chapter. At least that's how I think it works since it's been like that for a while, if not forever. Just PM me instead and we'll talk.**

 **Also before I disappear to write my other stuff, I'll go ahead and respond to reviews now before I forget.**

 **Review Responses:**

 **Treefrogger: Yeah sure. One of these days the chapters for that story will be returned in their rightful place and the title will be changed due to how it has almost nothing to do with this one.**

 **Doctor Homicide 157: I wish I knew. To tell you now that is.**

 **Mr Sandman: You and I share a mind. I thought about that for a while now, and it seems like it'll make more sense now than ever for obvious reasons. And an omake? Eh, I guess so. I'll ask for that when the actual chapter is posted and we'll see what happens.**

 **MimicLegend: To answer the question it asked first, yes it does. They don't necessarily co-exist in the sense that they like in each other, but more like they are unable to fight at all or do anything else that may harm the BattlePC in anyway. And for who they could meet, we can talk about that in the PMs. I sent you a message already but you haven't responded yet.**

* * *

 **Soldier's Totally True War Stories**

Soldier was very happy today, whistling an American patriotic tune as he rolled in a cage covered by a blanket.

Today was finally his chance to teach the class something, and he couldn't wait to share his extensive knowledge of all things worth any real patriot's time to them. He came to class with a huge and eager smile on his face along with Sniper, Heavy, and Medic while the other mercs were off doing whatever the fuck. The class was pretty surprised to see that they actually brought Soldier in today. He rarely comes into the classroom due to the other mercs believing he will do something beyond stupid and seriously hurt the students, and he's usually seen whenever the class goes outside or doing whatever when classes are over. The students followed the four men as they walked to the center of the room, waiting for what today's plan will be.

"G'day class." Sniper tipped his hat and nodded to them, to which he recieved a resounding "G'day, professors'. A cute habit of the students was to mimic some of the ways the mercs spoke from time to time, and the guys usually didn't mind. Except for whenever they say a swear word in their native language without knowing what it means, that gets awkward. "Right right right, now have a seat." Sniper said, glancing over to Ruby who raised her hand. "And yes, Ruby. The others are out doing something right now." She then put her hand down, somewhat satisfied with the answer. "We got something special for you lot today. For once, Soldier here is gonna teach today's class."

Immediately, all the student's hearts dropped about as hard as bombs. _Soldier_ , was going to teach? The same guy who is clearly insane and is very dangerously unstable and unpredictable? The thought of fighting him struck fear into their young hearts...

"B-but, w-what about you three?" Velvet asked with her skin paler than white paper, evidently afraid of the smiling maniac.

"Vell, dear rabbit girl! Ve are here to make sure Soldier doesn't hurt any of you and become too much of a nuisance. At least not hurt you too seriously..." The German answered, his large Russian friend nodding.

"Heavy promises I will break Soldier's back like twig if he hurts any of you." Heavy assured to the class. This somewhat calmed the class down, but the danger of Soldier going wild on them remained. "Stand in front of class, Soldier. Is your time to teach kids." The Russian said to the American, prompting Soldier to quickly stand at the front while his friends sat down and relaxed. The veteran stood at attention once he reached the front, perfectly pretending to be the disciplined soldier he thinks he is. Before beginning, he gave a quick American salute to the class, to which none of them saluted back.

"SALUTE YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER, MAGGOTS!" He screamed at the TOP OF HIS LUNGS. Without hesitation, the class saluted back, making Soldier happy. "At ease, troops. Now, I am aware that none of you understand how important America is to the universe, but let me tell you that America has produced some of the finest warriors ever known in the history of everything! SUCH AS ME!"

Then, Soldier ran a little back to the main desk where he turned the large holo projector on. It hadn't been used since the mercs trolled the shit out of the class with that boring history documentary, so they wondered what Soldier could possibly want to show them on it. They watched as Soldier mumbled something to the other mercs who came to help him out. Pretty soon, they figured out how to use the 'draw' setting on the projector, and they tested it out by drawing a smiley face, a gun, a dead guy, and a gun shooting a dead guy. Happy to see that the projector was working, he gave his teammates a high five before they went back to their seats.

"Listen up you young heaps of freedom! Uncle Soldier is going to tell you a story about one of my many adventures back in the the Second World War! The greatest war in the history of Earth! Now, shut your traps and listen closely. Every detail of this story is going to be filled with so much patriotism that it will make you bleed red white and blue!"

Yang then raised her hand, earning a nod from Soldier for her to go.

"Is this going to be another story where you killed like a million guys?" The blonde asked.

"YES."

The teens sunk back into their seats. Soldier was known for telling these elaborate stories of how many people he has killed in battle or the 'finer' points of combat, and despite how silly and repetitive some were, they were still entertaining.

Soldier began by drawing a little stick figure that roughly looked like him, and he drew some other figures with guns and a large swastika above them.

"It all began in 1943..."

* * *

 **Somewhere in France, 1943**

It was a cool morning here in this region of Europe. In a dense forest, there lay a makeshift camp made out of logs, blankets, boxes, and a lot of stolen empty ration supply boxes. This camp belonged to an insane man. An insane twenty-two year old man who appreciated the cool morning as he exited his poorly made tent. It was a perfect day to kill some Nazis.

"What a perfect day to kill some Nazis! Hello Nature! Honor to serve with one of America's strongest patriots!" Soldier yelled with a gleeful cheer at the morning sun. He prepared for another good day of his massive Nazi killing spree. America is surely proud of this son of freedom as God himself watched the patriot prepare for war from American Heaven.

His usual routine consisted of this: singing a random patriotic American song, scrubbing his stolen American uniform clean with rocks, eating bugs and berries and maybe some rations if he was lucky enough to get them, and equipping his implements of war. His signature Rocket Launcher that he built himself, an M1 Garand, and his famous military entrenching Shovel.

()

"Yankee Doodle went to town

A-riding on a pony,

Stuck a feather in his cap

And called it macaroni! _"_

()

He sang the first verse as he loaded rockets into his main weapon. All of a sudden, multiple voices from all directions joined him in on the singing. He stopped singing temporarily as he looked to see that the trees and animals of the forest were singing with him! Nature truly was American indeed.

[Chorus]

" _Yankee Doodle keep it up,_

 _Yankee Doodle dandy,_

 _Mind the music and the step,_

 _And with the girls be handy."_

()

The natural world sung in chorus, allowing Soldier to sing the next verse as he now loaded his Garand and putting ammo in his pockets and pouches.

()

"Father and I went down to camp,

Along with Captain Gooding,

And there we saw the men and boys

As thick as hasty pudding!"

[Chorus]

" _Yankee Doodle keep it up,_

 _Yankee Doodle dandy,_

 _Mind the music and the step,_

 _And with the girls be handy."_

()

The animals of the forest somehow started playing music by using rocks as drums and sticks as instruments and stuff. A fox began playing the flute, a rabbit the drum, and so on. Soldier smiled at all this patriotism around him. Europe wasn't nearly as disgusting as he thought it was all of a sudden! With his happy expression, he continued singing.

()

And there we saw a thousand men

As rich as Squire David,

And what they wasted that day-

* * *

"Wait!"

Soldier blinked, someone just interrupted him from his important story. With a stern expression, he shot his head towards the source of the disruption. Though his eyes were covered by his helmet, one would see them narrow on an edgy looking kid.

"So you're telling me you just started singing in the middle of a forest with a bunch of talking trees and animals?" The cocky boy said, unimpressed. None of the students believed what Soldier was saying was true, but they dared not say a thing. They didn't know why he would dare to say anything, but he's about to get it for sure.

"YES. Is that a problem, maggot?" Soldier barked.

"Yeah. No offense, but I think you're just stupid." The boy shrugged. Yep. He is so fucked. Did this kid not learn a thing about Soldier? Did he know anything about him at all?

Soldier glared at the kid, and without another word, he reached for one of his grenades and chucked it with the strength of a Major League Baseball player at him. It came so fast that the boy got knocked the fuck out of his seat, and the other students immediately bolted away from the live grenade. The kid didn't even know what happened to him for him to be laying on the floor the way he was, so he didn't even realize there was a grenade right on top of his chest until it was too late. **KA-BOOM** and this kid was instantly out. The grenade was actually a concussion grenade since the mercs tricked Soldier into believing that these identical looking copies of his Pineapple Grenades were the real deal so that they weren't breaking campus safety rules (For the most part). That did not change how fucked the kid was though, and he was out for the rest of the day.

The class was really afraid now, as the fear that Soldier would jump them became a horrifying reality.

"Weren't you supposed to keep him from hurting us!?" Ruby yelled as Medic casually walked over to see if the boy was alright.

"Ruby, please. If you think about it, all you do in this class is get hurt, mate." Sniper shrugged. Well, he got them there. The vast majority of the activities in this class involve a lot of violent acts that the students have to participate in.

"Und ve said zat ve vere here to make sure he doesn't hurt you _too seriously_." Medic added, emphasizing the last part of his sentence. "Plus zis boy is perfectly fine. Valk it off, you big baby." Medic told the kid, giving him a jolly slap on the back before returning to his original position.

"ALRIGHT THEN! So where was I..." Soldier trailed. That fucking kid made him lose his train of thought, implying Soldier could think logically. Let's face it, that part with the singing patriotic animals most likely didn't happen. You know, just a chance it didn't happen. "ARGH! Damn you, maggot! You made me forget where I was! Fine! I will skip ahead to the good part!"

He then started scribbling a picture of him hiding behind a tree and what looks to be a poorly drawn base of some sort filled with Nazi soldiers.

* * *

 **Near Some Nazi Base**

"Hahaha... look at all those disgusting crap bags..." Soldier snickered to himself.

Currently, the ultimate patriot lay hidden inside the branches of a tree, observing the enemy with his binoculars. He just stumbled upon a Nazi Base, and it was a large one. I'm talking big fucking base with enough men and equipment to hold an Allied Army back for weeks. There was an airfield for German airships and planes to land, rows upon rows of tents and barracks for the soldiers, and a large concrete structure in the middle that was heavily fortified. Also, there was a tall barbwire fence surrounding the perimeter with landmines, machine gun nests, towers, bunkers, anti-aircraft guns, and heavy gun emplacements to ward off any potential attackers.

Clearly this base had something important within, but Soldier didn't care. All he wanted to do was raid the shit out of this place and kill as many Nazis as he can before leaving, only to come back later and keep on raiding!

With the anticipation of fucking up the Nazis' shit in mind, Soldier jumped out of the tree and rushed toward the defenses, screaming at the top of his lungs...

* * *

 **Inside the Nazi Base, a Forward Teleportation Facility**

The reason why this base was so large was because it housed one of the few large scale teleporters that the Nazis were able to build themselves. This teleporter wasn't like those of the Australians or anywhere else in the world. It was an experimental one big enough teleport entire bomber planes. Though not entirely perfected and having the potential to be unstable, the Nazis gave the go for it to be deployed anyway. Anything for victory, no matter what the costs! The marvel of this machine that not even the Australians have built yet is only proof of German superiority in general! Even if it's only because the Australians had declined in their status as the world's most technologically advanced people and also toughest due to the waning Australium stores.

These series of four teleporters were connected to each other through a network the Nazis had set up. One teleporter in Berlin, one in Tokyo, one here, and another one in Japanese controlled China. This one is the only teleporter out in the field of the European theater of the war, but there was another one out in Manchuria, otherwise known as Manchukuo if you're Japanese at this time. Part of a joint science operation by the Nazis and Imperial Japan as a sign of good faith and friendship between the two powers, the teleporters did wonders in speeding up the flow of supplies to the frontlines. Giving the Axis powers a considerable advantage over the enemy.

It just so happens that today was a historic moment for the Axis Powers. A regiment of Japanese troops who volunteered to come to Europe as another sign of good faith between Japan and Germany just came through the teleporter to assist their Deutsch allies, and in return a German regiment was going to be sent to China to help. The German regiment hadn't gone through the teleporter yet as they were still waiting on their preparations before leaving through the same teleporter the Japanese regiment marched in from.

All of a sudden, the sounds of gunfire and explosions were heard at the edge of the camp. Everyone, German and Japanese alike looked to the north and saw smoke and explosions. How could they be getting attacked here? The Allies were nowhere near the base! Then, up in the sky, everyone saw what was attacking them, or more appropriately, _who..._

"GOOD MORNING, NAZI SCUMBAGS! MY NAME IS SOLDIER, AND I AM TIRED OF EXPLAINING!" The patriot screamed louder than humanly possible once he landed and killed an unlucky Japanese soldier. He grinned a murderous smile at all the enemies to kill, but then he saw the Japanese. Soldier was confused. These Nazis looked different from what he was used to, but eh. Just more bad guys to kill at the end of the day.

"ATTTAAAACCCK!" The officer in charge of the Japanese force yelled in English for some reason. Now Soldier wasn't completely stupid. He knew what German sounded like after spending the last two years killing Wehrmacht, and that voice didn't sound German at all. Didn't change how his ass was getting charged at by like a thousand Japanese guys with bayonets though.

"Ha! Bring it you pansies! I am going to rip my own legs off and shove them up your asses! And then I'm going to rip _your_ legs off and also shove them up your asses because I will run out of legs to shove!" Soldier shouted in defiance.

The Japanese soldiers were far more aggressive and fierce than the German troops ever were. While the Germans preferred shooting at the enemy from afar with their superior weapons and equipment like a bunch of fucking cowards, the Japanese preferred far more aggressive charging tactics to rush the enemy out like a bunch of fucking men. Every single one of them was shouting with the fire of battle in their eyes, intent on massacring the shit out of Soldier.

Soldier reacted accordingly, and fired his whole Rocket Launcher clip into the incoming wave of Human bodies. The rockets tore dozens of them apart into pieces and even threw dozens more off their feet. There was no time to reload his weapon for the Japanese did not halt their charge at all.

With a battle cry of his own, Soldier holstered his Rocket Launcher and pulled his Shovel out, going straight to melee.

* * *

The class was... mixed about this story. For one, just like any of Soldier's other stories, they had no idea what the whole deal of World War 2 was. None of them knew a thing about Earth at all, except that the mercenaries are from there and that's it. Two, even if they didn't know a thing about Earth, these stories were too ridiculous to be true and some of the students lost interest since they couldn't take Soldier seriously. He may be dangerously crazy, but he really was rather silly as well. That's not to say the majority of the class didn't appreciate him telling the story though. His stories were _far_ more entertaining than Professor Port's stories due to their over the top nature, and they were glad that they weren't doing anything violent today.

The other mercs in the class rolled their eyes at Soldier's ridiculousness. There was no doubt in their minds that Soldier seriously did go to Europe and go on a massive killing spree, but just never something as outlandish as this. Medic and Spy themselves confirmed this when they remembered newspapers and tales about a mysterious figure leaving hundreds of Nazi troops and supporters dead in his wake across Europe. They didn't connect the mysterious figure to Soldier until about a year after meeting him, but the point stands.

"...and then I killed every single one of them in precise and deadly melee combat! Neck breaking, punching, stabbing, elbow dropping! Every fighting move ever invented by Sun Tzu had been perfected by this grade A American son of a bitch here! And I was more than happy to share my knowledge with the enemy!"

"Is this a true story, Professor Soldier?" Weiss asked with a raised hand, looking mildly unamused.

"Yes! I swear on my very soul that this all happened!" Soldier said. The class didn't look convinced, but then Medic suddenly stood up and cleared his throat.

"Technically, some of vat he says is true!" The German man said, earning some raised brows from the students. "Ja, I remember hearing about ze teleporters. Ze news about ze teleporter was spread in order to increase morale among ze German people and make zem feel like ve truly vere ze greatest race! Personally, I didn't care too much about it. Too busy hiding from ze authorities and experimenting back in zose days..." Medic chuckled to himself softly. The Nazi Germany years were a complicated time for him.

"I'll admit that Soldier is mental, but if there's anything I learned about being with him for the last few years, it's that sometimes his stories are true." Sniper said.

"Like how he had wizard as roommate and no one believed him. The wizard came to our Halloween party and attacked us with monster of Demoman's missing eye!" Heavy added.

"Right, I still remember the first time we met that bloody eyeball blasting bastard..." Sniper muttered out, thinking about Monoculus. Well, the students weren't expecting all the other mercenaries to actually back Soldier up on this. Maybe he actually did raid an enemy base that did have teleported Japanese soldiers in it, but just without all the details that made him sound like the greatest soldier ever to exist.

" ** _ATTENTION!_** " Soldier shouted like a fierce drill sergeant, forcing the entire class on him again. "Will you ladies let me finish my story now? I am almost done!" He said, looking around the entire classroom to make sure everyone's attention was on him, or else. Once that was confirmed, he immediately began scribbling onto the projector again, this time drawing Asian looking figures with bayonets and swords. "Okay! Now, I just killed all the Nazis and Asian Nazis..."

* * *

"I just killed all the Nazis and Asian Nazis! In your face, fascism!" Soldier yelled triumphantly as he stood atop a literal mountain of dead German and Japanese troops. The mountain of dead enemies was so high, that it was four times as tall as the fifteen foot guard towers of the base. He smiled triumphantly at all his hard earned kills, eighty thousand enemies in all, and all that was just today!

He would have stopped and have a well deserved freedom chug of American beer, but then he noticed one enemy was alive. The enemy was the same Japanese officer who ordered the attack earlier, and he was somehow still alive. In fact, he was unharmed.

"Fuck you, American! Japan is number one!" The officer yelled in English before running into the open portal. The only thing Soldier cared about was that this Asian Nazi was escaping! His killing spree wasn't over yet. How could he possibly go home to his grandfather and tell him that he wasn't able to kill one guy?

"Oh no you don't, Sally!" Soldier yelled after him, before ripping a leg off a fallen German soldier. Yelling an incoherent battle cry, he then ran full speed down his mountain of dead guys after the Japanese officer, literally running headfirst into the teleporter after tripping and tumbling down halfway.

He landed with a loud thud once he reached the other side.

"Argh! Damn you gravity! You're supposed to be on my side!" Soldier shook his fist at... um, gravity, I guess. "Alright you bastard, show yoouurr..."

Blinking his eyes, Soldier actually lifted his helmet up to see where he was clearly. Little did he know, but he was in the middle of an Imperial Japanese military base in Japan itself! All around him were millions of Japanese soldiers, an endless ocean of young men willing to die for the Japanese Empire. Complimenting these men were several hundred Japanese airships, regular ships that were actually part of the Imperial Japanese Navy, walking tanks, regular tanks, dieselpunk battle mechs, airplanes, and perhaps most shocking, the dreaded Imperial Japanese Army Yokai Regiment. A regiment made entirely out of mythical Japanese creatures that the army was able to convince to join them. Legends spread among American troops about the horror the Japanese demons spread across the battlefield. America had nothing like that!

"...self." Soldier finished. He finally realized who these guys were. "You aren't Asian Nazis! You're Japs!"

"Give up, American! You have no hope of victory!" The same officer yelled in English.

At once, the massive army maneuvered around the single American, surrounding him and cutting him off from any hope of escape. The troops looked at him with bloodlust, waiting to prove their worth as Imperial soldiers. Mechs, tanks, planes, and every single other element of the IJA surrounded him with the intent to turn him into a one man massacre. The yokai in particular looked the most eager to destroy this foreigner. He didn't know the names of any of the monsters facing him, and he probably couldn't pronounce them even if he did, but they legitimately made him feel a little concerned...

Concerned with how high the mountain of bodies here was going to be, that is. Maybe all the dead would stack up so high that they could reach the moon! But that's the problem since Soldier can't go to the moon. There's no enemies there to fight.

"Listen to me and listen good, you fascist cream puffs! Surrender now and I will not use your corpses to build a mountain to the moon!" Soldier said. Only a dozen or so of the Japanese guys could understand him, and it took a moment for them to translate what he said and pass it on to the rest of the army. Once word spread of what he said to them, the entire army laughed in their snarky and cocky way.

"T-tell the foreigner he's so fucked!" An enemy laughed in Japanese. Basically, they were all speaking in Japanese here.

"Stupid idiot!"

"Damn fool!"

"Shithead!"

Soldier couldn't understand a single word they were saying, but they were beginning to piss him off. Their laughter told him volumes about what they felt about him, and it angered him so, so so badly. It was only appropriate then that he pulled out his legendary American blood infused M1 Garand. He pulled the trigger, and nothing happened because it turns out he dropped all the ammo on his way here. This only made the Japanese burst into even more annoying God forsaken laughter. So Soldier decided to do the next best thing.

"You made your choice..." Soldier muttered, dropping his gun. "I am not trapped in here with millions of enemy soldiers. YOU ARE TRAPPED IN HERE WITH ME! **HRAAAAAAGHHHHHH!** "

* * *

"Bam bam bam, pow pow! Pew! BOOM! KAPOW! And then boo-yah! I began beating the crap out of the enemy army!" Soldier demonstrated by drawing a stick figure of himself using other stick figures to beat stick figures of Japanese soldiers and machines. This wasn't surprising to anyone. They all saw this coming, Soldier going on a massive killing spree again by himself against impossible odds. "And then they started beating the crap out of me!"

"Wait, what?" The entire class said unanimously in surprise.

"That's right! For once, your resident ultimate soldier found his match in the Imperial Japanese army! They utterly beat the ever living Hell out of me like this!"

He began drawing scribbles that showed scenes of extreme violence such as the Japanese ripping his limbs off, stabbing him to death, shooting him, beating him to death with his limbs, using each other to beat him up, and a whole lot more other ways of his ass getting whooped.

"Though I am ashamed to admit it, I couldn't beat them alone..."

* * *

"Argh! I can't beat them alone!" Soldier screamed as the yokai and enemy troops started jumping him, beating him down with their weapons, kicking him, shooting him, and stabbing him with their weapons. All the while of them delivering this major ass beating, they laughed in joy as the American was completely helpless against them. "I need some help!"

Well, Soldier need look no further, for help just dropped in. Literally. A lot of fucking warships suddenly just rained from the sky and crashed around the camp, killing hundreds of men and causing massive damage and destruction. Everything stopped moving after that happened, all eyes looking at the ships in terrible confusion. These ships all had one thing about them that struck fear into the enemy's heart. Every single one of them flew an American flag. Then, from a battleship, a man appeared on the bridge.

"Did someone say AMERICA!?" The man screamed loud enough for the entire Japanese base to hear.

"Um... not really?" Soldier blinked, straining his eyes to see who the man was. He sounded strangely familiar, like it was his- "GRANDADDY!"

"Hahaha! Yes, Johnny boy, it's me!" His grandfather laughed. "I heard your cry for help all the way back in Ohio, boy. So I went and gathered up all the men and ships I could to bust you out of this mess!"

"You're still paying for the damages to my fleet, Howard!" The admiral of the fleet yelled from behind him.

"And for my army!" The general of the army he dragged along also yelled.

"Boys, boys, boys... please. All you need as payment is all these enemies to fight!" Howard laughed jollily.

The general and admiral hadn't noticed where exactly they were when they landed, but now that they bothered to look around and see that they were in Japan, the homeland of the enemy. From every single ship, millions of American sailors and soldiers peeked their heads out to meet their Japanese counterparts. As you can all imagine, it did not take long for things to devolve into violence. Like, it went from a 100 to 1,000,000 in an instant.

The warships began launching planes and bombarding the shit out of the Japanese with their massive guns while the Japanese returned fire. The millions of American troops began flooding out of the ships as if they were a huge writhing liquid spilling out of the ship to engage the Japanese in battle. It was monstrous and murderous the kind of savage fighting happening here today. Other than the troops and yokai ripping each other to shreds with gun, bombs, or in melee, the opposing sides also began engaging each other with their ships. The naval battle was so intense, that it turned into a land battle! I'm talking the Imperial Japanese Navy literally ran their ships into the land and began sailing on it to fight the Americans.

Above all the carnage and destruction, no one else in the battlefield was as ferocious as Soldier and his grandad. The two of them were the single most American men to have ever been conceived, mathematically perfected by a team of genetic scientists commissioned by Uncle Sam himself to create the ultimate bringers of freedom. It didn't matter what the Japanese threw at them, the two of them took everything they got and were guaranteed to punch back even harder.

"Ha! Thanks for helping me grandpa!" Soldier thanked as he strangled a yokai to death. Soldier didn't know shit about yokai, only that they were demons that hated freedom, and the Japanese had a whole army of them!

"No problem, boy!" His granddad laughed. The elderly but unbelievably powerful man was, I swear to God, using a motherfucking Japanese destroyer as a club against the enemy forces. Like baseballs, thousands of enemy soldiers were launched into the air with each swing of the warship.

" _ **ENOUGH!**_ " A voice boomed across the battlefield in Japanese.

There was so much power behind it that it knocked everything standing on to the ground. The Americans had no idea what was going on, but the Japanese forces immediately got up and stood straight at attention, completely ignoring the enemy. For how could they not stand at attention now? It was an eternal shame to not show respect in the presence of the general. From the skies an Asian style dragon appeared and came flying down to Earth, and there was a figure riding atop it. The dragon landed gently, and bowed its head down for its rider to touchdown on the ground. The rider in question was truly an intimidating sight. He looked just like a super elite Samurai warrior from centuries ago complete with katana and mempo, but he had an almost supernatural eeriness to him.

"Oh my God..." Soldier gasped. "SHOGUN OF DOOM! I should have known you would show your stupid mask here on the battlefield!"

" _ **Arrogant American...**_ " The Shogun growled in Japanese. " _ **I am General Nakamura.**_ "

"What was that? In English dammit!"

"English... disgusting." The Shogun said, ironically in English. "That horrible language will cease to exist once Japan conquers America."

"What are you saying!?" Howard yelled at the intimidating warrior, not intimidated at all.

"Hakko ichiu. The whole world will fall under one empire, a Japanese one. Once our holy Emperor gains control of the world, there will be no more suffering."

"Pffft! The only rule the world needs is the rule of freedom and democracy!" Soldier's granddad laughed in defiance and blatant disrespect. "If your Emperor wants to rule America, then come and get it! Send all the men and damn machines you want, American blood and guns will win the day!"

"There will be American blood, fools. Your blood..." The Shogun then drew his sword. A katana imbued with the blood of thousands of westerners who dared stand against Japan. A blade with unbelievable power. He swung his sword once in the air and it instantly caused thousands of Americans to die at once. This sword was so powerful, that it even killed Americans in the **PAST** and led to some of the Americans here to disappear from existence because of it!

"HOLY MARY MOTHER OF JOSEPH!" Soldier screamed in sheer surprise as he and his grandfather looked back at the carnage created by one swing that didn't touch anything.

( _ **Laughs in Japanese** )_

"What!? Stop laughing in Japanese or I will laugh at you in American!" Howard threatened the Shogun.

" ** _I would like to see you try, filth_**!" General Nakamura laughed evilly in Japanese. As established already the Americans before him couldn't understand his language, but they already had a pretty good idea that he wasn't saying good things about them. The General took his katana and held it in a traditional stance, but instead of any attack the Americans started laughing at him.

"HAHAHAHAHAH! THERE! WE'RE DOING IT! WE'RE LAUGHING AT YOU IN AMERICAN!" Soldier cackled maniacally with his grandpa, both laughing hysterically for almost no reason.

"Humph..." The Shogun remained calm.

The samurai warriors of old were long gone, but their traditions lived on in him. He slowly began circling around the laughing Americans, his katana drawn at them as they continued to laugh. Their constant and obnoxious laughter will not throw him off his guard, but he still wondered how such barbarians were even intelligent enough to form a language. A disgusting language, but a language nonetheless. Whenever Japan invades the United States, he will lead the charge in the extermination of these beasts. They weren't even worthy of being considered Human in his eyes.

"Hehehehehe... alright, time to kick some ass!" Soldier grinned, wiping a tear from his eye after that fit of laughter. The American pulled out his Rocket Launcher, but his grandfather simply patted him on the shoulder instead of pulling out his own weapon.

"Alright, I'll let you deal with this joker, Johnny Boy." His grandpa smiled. "I'm gonna go down there and kill some of those demon things."

Nakamura remained where he was, fine with letting Howard leave as he was certain that Japan will win the day anyway.

* * *

"Uh, I have a question!" Ruby went, raising her hand.

"Yes?" He said, pausing the drawing he was making of him shooting rockets at Nakamura.

"You said his sword killed people in... _the past?_ " She asked. That was something the entire class noticed and they were just done with Soldier at this point. They knew he was fucking insane and that his stories are just as crazy as he was, but that was just even more unbelievable then what he normally says.

"Yes! That sword was made from ancient Japanese metal enchanted with anti-American hate magic. It hates Americans so much that it goes back in time and kills them!"

"...that doesn't make any sense." Some girl in the back sighed. She then got a grenade thrown to her face as Soldier was pissed, but luckily he was so angry that he forgot to pull the pin. It still nailed her devastatingly hard in the face so badly that it actually made her fly out of her seat and into whatever students were behind her.

"NO TALKING WITHOUT PERMISSION!" Soldier screamed like a feral animal. "NEXT TIME ONE OF YOU SPEAKS WITHOUT PERMISSION I WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The class was instantly paralyzed with fear. Soldier went from telling a crazy goofy story into going insane drill instructor mode in an instant. All the students were too afraid to even make a single sound lest Soldier counts that as speaking. He breathed heavily as he glared at them all under his helmet, daring them to make a sound. After a moment of dead silence, Soldier went back to telling his story.

"I started fighting Shogun of Doom... and it sucked."

* * *

To his utter surprise, the Shogun was nearly impervious to ranged attacks as he was able to block and dodge everything Soldier fired at him. Being the sensible American he is, Soldier engaged him in melee using his Shovel. The Doom Katana clashed against Soldier's Freedom Shovel. One weapon and wielder hating everything that was not Japanese, and the other hating everything that wasn't American or freedom related.

General Nakamura trained in the art of war and combat his whole life. He spent years perfecting the martial arts of kenjutsu, kendo, kyujutsu, kyudo, karate, judo, aikido, kenpo, ninjutsu, naginatajutsu, bojutsu, and many many more. He is fully dedicated to Japanese traditions and honoring the memory of his samurai ancestors by following bushido and remaining loyal to the Holy Emperor. As the ultimate symbol of his dedication to his beliefs, he takes his family's enchanted katana into battle instead of using firearms.

Soldier spent years being taught why America and freedom is amazing at his farm where he also learned how to kill stuff. That's pretty much it.

The difference in skill was showing here clear as day. Soldier wasn't able to land a single hit with his Shovel and was forced to be on the defensive as his highly skilled opponent attacked him with precision and discipline. Every swing from the katana led to thousands of American deaths, but whenever it touched Soldier it did not kill him instantly solely because the spirit of freedom is strong in this one. If he can't be killed in one hit then he'll kill him with as many cuts as it takes. Cut after cut landed on Soldier whenever he failed to defend himself, and it was making him angry as his American red blood leaked from his body.

"Ugh! DAMN YOU!" Soldier growled, deciding to toss a grenade at the Shogun to buy himself some breathing room.

The Shogun was so skilled and precise that he slashed the grenade and somehow cut it so cleanly that the grenade didn't explode. Nakamura allowed a slip of confidence to appear when he grinned at the American's stupid surprised face. The American was absolutely no match for him, and he knew it. The only thing he can give the brute credit for was that the spirit in his soul was strong enough to not be easily killed by his weapon.

At this point he was just toying with Soldier, not even considering him a worthy opponent and therefore not seeing Soldier as even worth showing any respect or honor towards. He began leaving himself open to let Soldier come at him and attempt to strike him, only to humiliate him by dodging and counterattacking with punches and kicks.

" _Ah...ha...heh... I'll give you credit, Jap..._ " Soldier wheezed, barely able to stand with the blood he lost and sheer exhaustion. " _You can fight..._ "

General Nakamura merely nodded in acknowledgement, a slight smile slipping under his samurai mask at how an American monkey was smart enough to recognize his skill.

" _But... do you know what I can do that you can't?_ "

"What would that be, American?" Nakamura said in English, confident that whatever it is will change nothing in this fight.

"The power of freedom." Soldier said from behind him, catching the Japanese general totally off guard as he damn near broke his neck turning back to see him.

With a burst of impossible power and speed, the American punched, kicked, shot, stabbed, slashed, headbutted, wrestled, smashed, broke everything he had onto Nakamura. The attacks came by so fast that Nakamura couldn't react to intercept any of it, but Soldier's barrage soon ended to reveal that Nakamura was totally unharmed by the attack, the Japanese general feeling his whole body over.

"Humph, foolish American. Your attacks are just as weak as your country." Nakamura scoffed.

"You are already free." Soldier said calmly, much to Nakamura's confusion.

" _ **Nani?**_ " As soon as Nakamura said that one word, his body blew up into hundreds of gibs with red, white, and blue smoke and light flowing out of his body complete with a glorious bald eagle flying out of his corpse.

* * *

"And that's how we defeated the Japanese military at the decisive Battle of Midway!" Soldier said proudly, the projector showing an American flag raised over a country on a map of Earth. However, it wasn't Japan. Likely because Soldier didn't actually know where Japan is, he put the American flag over Antarctica. "After that the Japanese surrendered and agreed that freedom was great, embraced democracy, and they become best friends with America!"

...

...

"...any questions?"

Nobody would ask one, mostly because class ended ten minutes ago. Soldier was so occupied with telling his story that he totally lost touch with the world around him, not even noticing when the bell rang or when his friends and students tried to tell him that he could stop now. The only people in the classroom at the moment were a couple students who fell asleep during the story.

"Oh... everyone left..." Soldier said to himself, looking back at the projector. The patriot sighed. "Ah, oh well..." Then, he looked to the cage he brought to class. "At least I still have you, old friend." He said, uncovering it to reveal a bald eagle wearing a hachimaki.

" ** _I fucking hate you, American._** " Nakamura the eagle growled in Japanese, Soldier assuming that's just what eagles sounded like.

"I know, Sergeant Squawk. I love America too..." He sighed happily.


	24. Alternate Battle of Beacon

**A series of shorts involving the BattlePC and the near limitless potential of it. All non-canon.**

* * *

 **Reinforcements at the Battle of Beacon!**

The Battle of Beacon wasn't going well for the huntsmen. Cinder Fall's army of hijacked combat androids, the White Fang, and the Grimm relentlessly attacked students and teachers alike without any discrimination or remorse. Most weren't able to fight back since they couldn't get to their weapons, but even the few students who were able to get their weapons didn't bother with engaging the enemy and ran. The ones who did bother to fight back valiantly held back the enemy to give the others time to escape.

Among the few who fought back were the students of Teams RWBY, JNPR, CFVY, SSSN, and many other brave students and professors willing to hold the enemy back. However, they were beginning to waver and tire out. There was too many enemies coming in to hold back, and soon they'll be overrun unless they retreat or they get reinforcements.

Reinforcements are not likely as the majority of the Atlesian military and professional huntsmen are tied down fighting the Grimm in Vale. The students and staff at Beacon have no one to help them but themselves.

Not like a friendly army will miraculously drop out of nowhere to help them, right?

Well, if Team Fortress didn't appear in Remnant, then probably not. But they di though, and what do you know, a friendly army did appear! A large interdimensional portal opened up near where the tired teams were making their stand. Now if you remember the canon version of this scene, an army of robots designed to resemble the mercenaries marched out of there and out to battle. This time around it still happened, but now there was so much more help than just the robots.

Out that portal came several characters that none of the teens have ever seen before, and all of them were arriving from the BattlePC. When Team Fortress stopped by the BattlePC with their army of robots, they called upon any one who was willing to help them fight at Beacon.

They were not disappointed.

Out of that portal came not only the mercenaries and their robot army, but also the various alies and acquaintances they met aboard the BattlePC. Characters from all manner of series came to help them no matter how different they may be or strange the combination.

Among the many characters who joined the fight had his T-65 X-Wing being towed through the portal by Sniper's Camper Van. It was none other than the legendary Jedi Luke Skywalker with the trusty astromech R2-D2 acting as his co-pilot.

"You're good to go, mate!" Sniper called to Luke once the X-Wing was pulled in far enough for it to take off properly, running back to detach the tow cable from the starfighter. Luke gave the Australian man a thumbs up and a nod, closing the canopy of the X-Wing and prepping the systems for flight.

"Alright Artoo, let's get in there and give these people a hand." Luke said as he flicked buttons, Artoo chirping eagerly in agreement.

The starfighter began to rise as its repulsorlifts were activating, Luke raising it just high enough for him to take off safely where the fighter's engines let out a scream as he blasted off. Once they were the air, Luke and Artoo saw right away just how many enemies were in the air. They may have been beasts with few ranged attacks for the most part, but the sheer number of them was somewhat intimidating. Artoo especially was a little worried with the concerned electronic whines he made at seeing it himself.

"Take it easy, buddy. We can take these guys." Luke assured the droid, preparing for aerial combat. "Lock s-foils in attack position... we're going in!" Shouted the Jedi, the wings of the starfighter splitting to form the signature X shape that it is famously known for. Artoo made an excited electronic shrill as the fighter sped forward and attacked the Grimm, the four laser cannons letting loose lances of red laserfire onto the unsuspecting flying Grimm.

Back on the ground, the mercenaries of Team Fortress were organizing their allies while their robot army rushed into battle against the Grimm. The tired defenders of the academy look on in awe and wonder at the sudden reinforcements, hardly believing it to be true when it's happening right in front of them. Team RWBY themselves were double awed when Ruby appeared through the portal with all these strangers.

" _Whoooooaaaa..._ " Ruby cooed with stars in her eyes at the sight of the X-Wing taking off in combat.

The girl was with Team Fortress when they entered the BattlePC to ask for help, and as such she was absolutely amazed and confused. Amazed because something that like would exist in a place between worlds, but confused for the exact same reasons. She ultimate didn't question it much because it's likely that she wouldn't get any answers to them, but also because she's getting free help goddammit. This was just beyond even her imagination! Never in her wildest dreams would she have thought that something like this would happen, yet it is now and it is absolutely exciting for her!

"Ruby!" Her entire team called out in unison as they ran to her, happy to see that she was alright. Her sister threw herself onto Ruby in a big bear hug

"Ugh! Owwwwwwwwww, Yang! You're crushing me!" The poor leader cried, desperately trying to squirm out of her older sister's loving grasp.

"What happened to you? And who are all these people?" Weiss asked as she and the rest of the teens met up with them, Engineer setting a Dispenser down for them to rest up with.

"Uh... wellllll..." She trailed, not exactly sure how to explain this as she didn't really know either. "Do you remember that Void place where you go to when travelling between worlds?" Her friends that knew she was talking about nodded their heads and awaited to hear more. "Some guy named Gabe built a giant computer there and is using it as like a hub for all those different worlds to connect or something. I don't really know." Shrugged Ruby sheepishly.

"Different worlds? So all these people are not just coming from the professors' world?" Blake asked in wonder.

"Uh, yep!" Ruby chirped, turning her head to see the mercs and their allies gather around them. "Come on, let's join them!" She called, excitedly rushing over with the rest of her friends following. She wandered in just in time as the mercenaries were talking about their battle plan while the robots held a defensive line to protect the dockside cliffs.

"Alright everyone, listen up." Spy began, opening a map of the academy. "Our first objective is to ensure that the students here are evacuated safely. That means pushing these monsters back far enough for any students trapped back there to be rescued..." He said, Luke's X-Wing screaming above them as he shot down a couple Nevermores with another couple of such creatures following close on his tail.

" _This is Luke Skywalker. I'm doing my best to keep them away from the docks but I'll need help_." The voice of the Jedi sounded off on the radio, which the mercs took the time to connect everyone to.

"...and that also means establishing control of the skies... and control of the water." He paused again, craning his neck to look out to the huge river that led from Beacon to Vale where even aquatic Grimm were attacking the various boats and ships out on the water. Boats and ships full of evacuating people when they couldn't get a ride on an airship for one reason or another.

"Good thing we decided to come along, huh?" A young girl wearing a sailor uniform no older in appearance than Ruby said. This girl was the human embodiment of a WW2 Fubuki-Class Japanese Destroyer, and her name is also Fubuki since she's the first of the class. With her were several other Kanmusu from KanColle coming from the BattlePC, deciding to help as it was only right for them to do so. Truly is convenient that the KanColle anime is on Steam, and that apparently counts to being connected to the BattlePC.

"Yes indeed. I suggest you get down there as soon as you can. Those people aren't going to save themselves." Spy told them. Fubuki and the others nodded and rushed for the cliffiside. "As for the rest of us, the robots will help us push into the academy so we can evacuate anyone trapped within. Does everyone understand?" He asked to which they all agreed. "Good, and once all the students are evacuated, phase 2 will be war." He said ominously, letting that sink in real quick. "We will fight until this academy is free from every single one of those creatures."

"Hell, I ain't got any problem with that. Shoot the shit out of a bunch of monsters. What more can anyone want?" He smiled, bringing his shotgun up eagerly. The rest of their allies agreed just as eagerly, ready and willing to save lives and kick ass.

 _"I still need help up here!"_ Luke reminded them all, flying over them once again to reveal that dozens of flying Grimm were hot on his tail. He was really the only one among them who had any means to dogfight with the Grimm. Until even more help from the BattlePC arrives, Luke's alone in the sky. The best thing the people on the ground could do was offer anti-air support.

Which was exactly what Engineer got to work doing when he placed down Sentry Guns to act as air defense and take some pressure off of Luke. With their support they can at least keep the Grimm from attacking the evacuees from the sky.

While they were doing this, the rest of the allied forces moved up to join the robotic army and push the Grimm back. The students resting up were continually amazed with the fact that the mercenaries gathered an interdimensional force just to save them. Clearly the mercs must have cared about the school a lot more then they were letting on. Though they appreciated the help, the majority of the students who stayed behind to hold the Grimm back earlier were deciding to evacuate now as they were worn out from the intense fighting. Nobody could really blame them for deciding to leave now. If you're brave enough to hold out and save others until reinforcements arrive, then it's perfectly understandable if you want to pull back and rest.

Team RWBY and company were not like that. They're brave enough to hold the enemy back alone and keep fighting even with reinforcements here to relieve them. Well, most of them that is. Teams NDGO and most of the other Vytal Festival contenders decided to leave as well, leaving Team SSSN as the only non-Vale team alongside Team RWBY and friends.

"What about us? What can we do to help?" Ruby asked the mercs eagerly as they were about to leave for battle.

"You?" Sniper began, looking over the worn out teens. He can see it in their eyes that they were willing to keep on fighting, all the mercs could see that, but the teens all looked like shit after battling against the Grimm alone. Their willingness was something the mercs could respect. "Well if you wanna keep on fightin', come right along with us then!"

"Aye. The more the merrier, lads." Demo agreed, the others agreeing as well to the joy of the teens.

"Haha, yeah! I like your spirit, maggots!" Soldier cheered. "Come on, gentlemen! Democracy isn't going to deliver itself into the Grimm! _ATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCK!_ "

Roared Soldier with a fierce battle cry, leading his team and their allies to battle. Team Fortress alongside Team RWBY and the other student teams took the center of the line of battle while their allies and robotic forces either went to support the flanks or assisted them. There was no artillery support to speak of as the Americans were still in the process of moving their heavy equipment from their worlds and into the BattlePC, only able to send in infantry for the time being. Air support was extremely limited with Luke being the only one in the sky to provide any. The only other ones capable of providing additional air support were planes launched from the KanColle girls, but they were focusing exclusively on protecting the water right now.

Additional reinforcements will be arriving by portal soon, both from the BattlePC and from TF2 Earth. Robot forces were still moving out of the portal in a constant stream but the units like the fliers and giant robots haven't arrived yet. As for the BattlePC, more help was supposed to come in the form of a second wave of reinforcements. This second wave is made up of any further characters volunteering to help. Alongside any potential new volunteers were those who already did but stayed behind to gather themselves before heading out. Such as the Americans mentioned earlier as they were moving in their vehicles and equipment to join the fight soon, and more help from Star Wars as Rogue Squadron was mobilizing to assist Luke alongside other elements from Star Wars.

Until then, the ground forces were left with the job of pushing the Grimm back and holding them there. It was true that Spy's plan was to push far enough to evacuate every one, but they needed more forces if they wanted to win the battle and save the academy altogether.

For now, the allied forces aiming to save Beacon consisted of Teams Fortress, RWBY, JNPR, CFVY, and SSSN. Joining them are the robotic army of the mercenaries from TF2, Luke Skywalker in his X-Wing, multiple Kanmusu from KanColle, thirty CTs from Counter-Strike from various factions, Gordon Freeman from Half-Life, the entire Left 4 Dead cast of survivors, at least one hundred WW2 soldiers (mostly American) combined from different WW2 games on Steam, and last but not least Squiggly and Filia from Skullgirls.

It was up to this force to save as many lives as they can until further help arrives.

However, the enemy they face is still great. They remain outnumbered one hundred to one and even outgunned in some areas. The Grimm horde was in their tens of thousands and was made up of Grimm of many different species, and only more were swarming in the school with each passing second. Though not necessarily allied with the Grimm, the terrorist faction known as the White Fang were also in the school battling against our heroes with their grunts, mechs, and airships.

Salem, despite none of our heroes knowing who she is yet, recognized that this unforeseen situation will require more direct control on her Grimm. Being the controller of all Grimm, she telepathically contacted every single one that the Faunus of the White Fang were their allies and will not be attacked. Same goes for Cinder who was still on her way to the Fall Maiden.

The enemy was unsurprisingly caught off guard at the sudden surge of reinforcements. Simply surprised that they were under attack by forces that were not of this world, and of the strange variety of them as well. Still, the enemy recovered from their initial shock and fought against our heroes with the intent to push them out of the academy as much as they do towards the Grimm themselves.

The forces of evil held our heroes at many disadvantages. The most obvious of which being that they heavily outnumbered them a thousand to one with the Grimm alone. Even the White Fang still outnumbered the heroes' forces if the Grimm weren't there. The other big advantage they had was total control of the skies. All Luke could do with his X-Wing was provide extremely limited air cover for his allies while the White Fang and Grimm maintained absolute dominance over the skies. The Fang managed to hijack two more Atlesian airships and were using them to rain destruction upon the native forces defending the city of Vale, but now they were being called back to help defeat our heroes. They didn't need to worry about the other Atlesian airships still owned by Atlas as they were busy fending off the flying horde of Grimm over the skies of Vale.

Said airships alone had enough firepower to wipe out the mercenaries and their allies by themselves.

The current situation of the battle was this: the Kanmusu were down in the water escorting the evacuating civilians to safety as best they can, while the others did the same but on the ground. The people evacuating by the water were safe for the most part, but those evacuating by air were highly vulnerable once they took off from the docks that the heroes were protecting. The only heroes who could give them the defenseless transports any form of help was Luke and warplanes from the Kanmusu, but they were already stretched thin with all the area they had to cover.

Luke in particular took it upon himself to save the lives of the people fleeing by air. He was a Jedi, and it was his duty to protect the innocent even if he was alone. The same applied to the Kanmusu down below. They were the defenders of the sea back in their world, protecting innocents from aquatic enemies, and they will do so here in this unfamiliar world as well.

Luke and the Kanmusu saw the Atlesian airships approach as they were the closest to it out of anyone else in the allied force. Through the Force, Luke sensed that something was off about the airships. He sensed much anger and hate coming within them, but that could have been because of the thousands of creatures of negative emotions swarming around the place. Plus those were the expected emotions of defenders getting overwhelmed aside from fear, but he wasn't sensing any fear coming from the airships. The Kanmusu dismissed the airships entirely as they assumed that they were friendly forces coming in to support them, but Luke noticed that the Grimm were not attacking the airship.

They all realized too late when the airships suddenly opened fire on the transports. A bright lance of laserfire shot forth from one airship where it completely obliterated one civilian airship, killing everyone inside instantly. The fiery remains of the civilian air vessel crashed down in the water below in a ball of smoke and flame, completely surprising and horrifying the Kanmusu down below. Then another laser fired, and then another, and then another until the revealed enemy airships began firing as quickly as the main laser batteries could charge. It was a massacre in the skies as the transports had no way of defending themselves. The only one who could save them was Luke Skywalker and any help the Kanmusu could give him.

" _Luke! What's going on!?"_ Spy yelled through the radio, obviously having noticed the exploding civilian airships. Four airships in all were lost to laserfire as the main batteries of the hijacked ships were recharging for another attack.

"The enemy's hijacked a couple of those airships..." Luke answered, staring in disbelief at the horror he was seeing. Then, his determination grew ever more solid. His Jedi instincts calling for him to save their souls. "Artoo, put more power in the engines..." He ordered the astromech, swinging his starfighter around and heading straight for the enemy airships. "This is Luke Skywalker. I'm going to take out those airships."

" _Go ahead, Skywalker. You're more help there than here anyway._ " Spy told him.

" _Give 'em Hell, partner!"_ Engie cried into the radio.

" _Send the cowards to Hell for Heavy!"_ The Russian shouted into the radio, having been enraged at the hundreds of defenseless innocents getting killed.

" _Ah shit man, I wish I got a starfighter! That would be cool as shit man! I could be helping you-"_ Ellis cried.

" _Get off the radio, Ellis." Sighed Spy._ " _Luke, you know what to do. We'll be fine down here."_

 _"_ Copy that. May the Force be with you." Said the Jedi, accelerating his X-Wing to max speed towards the enemy. Another transmission came in, and this time it came from the Kanmusu down below.

" _This is Akagi of Carrier Group One. Kaga and I will give you some help."_ The human aircraft carrier said. Luke looked out to either side of his cockpit and saw two squadrons of Japanese A6M Zero fighter planes form up with him, one squadron on each side. He saw the chibi pilots within give him thumbs up, and despite him finding it highly strange (as they all did in this huge sudden mashup crossover), he appreciated the help.

"All fighters on me! We got to stop those ships from firing again!"

The chibi pilots couldn't speak but they acknowledged Luke's orders and followed him to battle. Seeing the fighters coming in hot towards the airships, several aerial Grimm swarmed in to intercept them while White Fang bullhead gunships flew stuck close to the hijacked airships as escort. The majority of the flying Grimm weren't quite as fast as the fighters, but most of them did have some form of ranged attack. Such as the Nevermores with how they are able to shoot their massive feathers like they were giant blades.

"Monsters coming in hot! Open fire!" Luke called, letting loose with the four laser cannons on his X-Wing while the Japanese fighters opened up with their own weapons. Any Grimm in front of their field of fire were shot out of the sky near instantly, but as you all know they are everywhere. The skies are choked with thousands of black as night bodies of flying rage and hatred, and a lot of said flying rage was flying towards Luke and his escorts.

One squadron of Zeroes immediately broke off and engaged the monsters while the other continued to fly escort for Luke, protecting him from all attack. One plane even sacrificed itself by ramming into a Nevermore when it threatened to slam into Luke and kill him. The pilots of these WW2 planes may be just little chibi girls, but you got to give them credit for how brave they are despite their appearance. Luke certainly did since it was because of these chibi pilots that he was able to safely close the distance between him and the enemy airships.

"Divert power to the laser cannons, Artoo. I'm beginning my attack run." Luke said to which Artoo beeped in agreement.

Half of the squadron of Zeroes broke off from Luke to continue shielding him from enemy attack while the other half stuck with him to assist in the attack. The two enemy airships were flying side by side at a distance of about 150 meters apart, and Luke's group was closing in on the rightmost ship. The White Fang bullheads flying escort for the airships went to intercept him, but they themselves were intercepted by Luke's own escort. It actually wasn't that much of a competition. The bullhead is by no means an air superiority craft. It's a transport vessel that can serve as a light gunship with its autocannons, but that's it. The Zeroes absolutely destroyed the bullheads with no problem whatsoever, and they moved on to the much bigger threat of the Grimm swarm trying to stop them.

The hijacked Atlesian ships activated their anti-air systems in an attempt to shoot him down. Anti-air autocannons place across the ships opened fire on the incoming fighters but it was too late to stop their attack run. Flying at twelve o'clock high from the forward bow of the rightmost ship, the fighters strafed across the deck of the airship with all they got. The Zeroes let loose with their armament of machine guns and autocannons while Luke's laser cannons ripped through the ship. The deck of the ship was damaged with some fires spreading, but the overall effect was fairly low.

The Japanese planes didn't really have the firepower to effectively tackle the airship. Only Luke's X-Wing did.

"Everyone focus on those anti-air guns. I'll focus on taking these ships down." Luke said.

At once the fighters with him separated and began strafing the AA guns to destroy them. The Jedi circled back around for another pass, priming a proton torpedo for launch. The laser batteries of the enemy airships were almost fully charged for another attack, made evident by how a red glow was emanating from them. Luke clenched his teeth at seeing this. This level of evil is something he would have seen from the Galactic Empire back home.

Well he was a Jedi. It didn't matter what enemy he was facing, he can't give up. Through the guidance of the force, Luke fired one proton torpedo on the starboard battery of the hijacked Atlesian ship. This caused a catastrophic explosion as the charged up energy from the laser battey was released all at once. The ship sustained massive damage from this one explosion and began to keel over a bit towards the starboard bow. It remained up in the air, but the damage it sustained was so much that it led to the port side battery to go off target and completely miss a civilian airship.

"WOOHOO! YEAH!" The young Jedi cried in joy. Artoo shriked joyous electronic shrills and beeps with him. "Alright buddy, we're not done yet. We got to stop the other one from - WHOA!" Cried the Jedi when a massive lance of laserfire nearly missed him. Another beam came at him but was a near miss, and Luke saw that it was coming from the other airship. Apparently, seeing the other airship take so much damage from one fighter was enough to get the other one to focus its attention on Luke.

Whoever was in command of that other airship must have been a fucking idiot. You don't use your large main battery to engage small targets like fighters. Their too small, fast, and agile for you to hit with your often slow firing weapon. This kind of weapon is better suited against other warships. Not fighters. Luke supposed he should be thankful for this though. If that airship was firing at him, then it wasn't firing at the civilians. The civilian airships now didn't need to worry about the hostile ships, and for that Luke was glad that the enemy decided to focus on him instead.

Well, the airships may not be able to hit him, but he still had to worry about the Grimm choking the skies. Particularly the sea dragon Grimm that rose out of the water to chase after Luke. These things were a much bigger threat to him than anything else at the moment, and so he had to focus on evading the serpentine creatures and their yellow energy beams.

And it wasn't just Luke who had to deal with intensified enemy attention on him. The entire Grimm army was beginning to place heavy pressure on the heroes' forces. On one hand this meant that the City of Vale had less enemies for the defenders there to deal with, but on the other hand it meant the heroes' chances of getting overrun are getting higher and higher with each passing minute.

Additional reinforcements better arrive soon or else the heroes may need to evacuate themselves.

* * *

A mere thirty minutes into the Battle of Beacon, and it has already become both the most unusual and one of the single most fiercest battles in the history of Remnant.

Allow me to give a summary of the battle.

The evil hordes of the Creature of Grimm number in their tens of thousands, a number that is continually growing at a rapid rate as more flood in, have the entire Kingdom of Vale besieged on all sides with them now running amok inside Beacon. Allied with the Grimm are the White Fang as they are taking this chance to deal a decisive blow to humanity, and within the depths of the hidden Vault of Beacon, Cinder Fall searches for the Fall Maiden to take her power. Caught totally by surprise, the Kingdom of Vale, the Atlesian military, and the huntsmen are desperately fighting to protect the city. In Beacon though, the academy is practically lost as the attack was so surprising that most of the student body weren't able to retrieve their weapons and fighting back, leading to a mass evacuation of the academy and Amity Coliseum above it.

And when all hope seemed lost, reinforcements appeared just as suddenly but even more unexpectedly than the massive enemy attack on the kingdom. Team Fortress reappeared into the world of Remnant and brought along with them several volunteers coming from an enormous mobile station that travels the Void known as the BattlePC. A wave of allied heroes came forth and managed to establish a shaky perimeter around the evacuation at Beacon, saving countless lives. A second wave is coming soon, but until they arrives our heroes must hold their ground.

The battle as it stands now is this:

In the waters below Beacon Academy, the Kanmusu of Kantai Collection are locked in combat against aqautic Grimm as they are the only ones who can defend the people evacuating by boat. More of them are arriving when the second wave comes, but until then they are completely alone with no support on the water. Right above them, Luke Skywalker is battling the aerial Grimm and hijacked Atlesian airships alongside warplanes from the Kanmusu supporting him. Then over on land at the academy itself, the battle was at its fiercest where our outnumbered heroes fought the enemy tooth and nail, refusing to give any ground away as the evacuations continued.

Recognizing how serious this highly unexpected threat is, the Grimm were ordered by Salem to not attack the White Fang and focus their attention at Beacon, drawing some forces away from the city itself and giving the defenders there a much easier time as some pressure was taken off them. Adversely, this made it even harder for the defenders at Beacon.

Fortunately for them, the second wave has finally arrived.

"Hey! Look!" Ruby shouted after decapitating an Beowulf, looking toward the portal with wide eyes as reinforcements arrived.

Only that the portal wasn't the same one that the first wave came out from, but it was a new portal appearing high in the sky, six times as massive as the original one. So amazing was the spectacle that all fighting stopped for the moment. Grimm, White Fang, huntsmen, everyone, looked up to witness the majesty of the swirling portal and then at the even more wondrous sight of the BattlePC itself coming out of it.

The enormous mobile battlestation floated out of the portal and into the skies above Vale, easily eclipsing most of the city from the moon as it was that massive.

"Huh... I didn't think the whole damn place would show up..." Uttered out a wide-eyed Engineer, in the middle of strangling a Beowolf that was also staring up at the BattlePC.

"ATTENTION, PLEBIANS." The voice of His Holy Imperial Majesty Gabe Newell, the Lord of Gaming, rang out across the landscape from voice emitters around the BattlePC. "This is Gabe Newell, President of Valve Corporation. We at Valve have decided that this is an ideal learning experience for us. Please do not mind the BattlePC, we will only be spectating this event and taking notes. However, we will be allowing our passengers to join at will. Thank you, and that is all."

As soon as he was done saying that, the CD-DVD part of the PC slid open, and out of it came out a squadron of X-Wings and hundreds of WW2 warplanes among many other flying vehicles. The X-Wings are the legendary Rogue Squadron here to help Luke out, immediately taking off and locking S-Foils in attack position to assist Luke in defeating the enemy air forces. As it was doing that, several much smaller portals opened up near the original one the first wave came from, and out came the much needed reinforcements of the second wave.

"What... what... just _what_?" Said Weiss in total disbelief, this being far too ridiculous to even be imaginable. The feeling was mutual for all the other people of Remnant who have never seen the BattlePC before, nor all these strange people from a myriad of different worlds.

"Ha! Ahahaha! More Americans!" Soldier cheered as he saw hundreds of WW2 American soldiers roll out with all their heavy equipment and vehicles. Tanks, anti-air guns, anti-tank guns, jeeps, half-tracks, mortars, and artillery pieces marched out of those portals to do battle in the name of freedom and what America stands for!

"Ah... if only grandpa was here..." Soldier sighed happily, looking up to the sky knowing his grandpa was watching him from American Heaven.

Somehow, Soldier can seen the faint image of Howard Doe smiling down at him, proud as can be at his grandson for continuing his legacy. Then, he got a chair slammed in his face as some red skinned horned demons wearing suits rushed him, surprising Soldier as his grandfather fought them with his bare hands. Apparently, he was getting attacked by demons of Hell invading his farmstead in Heaven. That didn't happen when Soldier died, but whatever. Next time Soldier dies, he'll team up with his grandfather and go on a two man invasion of Hell and beat the fuck out of legions of demons for hating freedom. You can count on that.

"Mr. Soldier?" Blake asked, looking up into the sky and seeing nothing but X-Wings and warplanes dogfighting with aerial Grimm. "What are you looking at?"

"My grandfather getting attacked by demons, Blake... My grandfather getting attacked by demons..." He sighed with a smile, saying that as if it was a good thing (which it totally was) as he patted the top of Blake's head. The Faunus girl raised a brow at this and looked to be somewhat concerned, but she ended up shrugging it off. Soldier was just crazy like that.

She proceeded to watch the patriot jump on top of an American M4A3E2 Sherman tank, pulling out an American flag where he wore it on his back similarly to the sashimono that Japanese samurai and ashigaru would wear.

"CURRAHEE! FOR OLD GLORY, MEN! FOR FREEDOM! CHAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGEEE!" He cried as he led the charge, the sheer excitement of the bloodlust flowing through his American grown body.

"CURRAHEE!" Some of the US paratroopers amongst the troops shouted their battlecry along with him, running to reinforce the frontline with the rest of the second wave.

There's too damn many forces and characters for me to name in the second wave. Coming from all across Steam these characters did, deciding to jump in and join the fun for one reason or another. The sheer number and power of the forces brought to the battle have completely changed the playing field.

More Kanmusu arrived on the water to battle against the aquatic Grimm, the forces in the air cleared the sky of Grimm, and the allied land forces were able to gain enough of a foothold to push further and further into enemy occupied territory, slowly but surely driving them out of the school. Actually, not even slowly as the firepower was too much for the Creature of Grimm who were mowed down with lasers, rockets, and bullets while getting torn apart in close combat by any melee special heroes. The White Fang are pretty much irrelevant at this point as there was nothing they can do against such overwhelming force, deciding to completely abandon the operation and retreat while they still can. The Grimm kept on fighting as they knew no other course of action, being totally obedient to Salem's will despite how increasingly hopeless it was getting.

Desperate for any way to turn the battle around, Salem gathered a bunch of Sea Dragon and organized them in front of the BattlePC, charging up their beam rays in unison. Some warplanes spotted them and attempted to take them down, only to get intercepted by lesser flying Grimm shielding the dragons from attack. Once the dragons were all ready to fire, they combined their beams together to form one super beam and fired it all at the BattlePC. The energy created by the super beam was so great that the light it created was as bright as the sun, temporarily lighting the entire night up as if it were daytime. It struck the starboard side of the enormous battlestation, and the dragons dragged the beam across to do as much damage as possible. It appeared to be doing absolutely nothing though as the armor and shielding of the BattlePC is unbelievably strong, the super beam doing nothing as the energy shield absorbed everything it threw at it.

Seeing that dragging the beam around wasn't going to work, she had the dragons focus on one point of the BattlePC and concentrate all fire on the center. This seemed to work as the relentless beam was able to pierce through the shields and melt through the armor, finally doing some real damage. Unfortunately, the dragons' energy all ran out and the combined beam faded, leaving a hole on the starboard side of the BattlePC.

"HOLY SHIT!" Gabe's voice reverberated throughout the land.

Again, all fighting stopped and attention was put onto the BattlePC, watching as the God of gaming Gabe Newell himself flew out of the hole made into the BattlePC as if he were Superman. He took a second to assess the damage before turning to the battle below him, a scowl on his face.

"Who the actual FUCK did that!?" He demanded angrily.

Without much hesitation, all fingers, Grimm included, pointed at the Sea Dragon Grimm. In turn, the Sea Dragon Grimm made some desperate growling sounds claiming that Salem made them do it, somehow breaking free from her direct control. Gabe was able to make sense of these growls somehow, and he adjusted his glasses at hearing the name.

"Salem..." He said softly, pulling up a phone. "Monty, bring Salem's ass here. She fucking put a hole in my BattlePC. You know how much this thing costs? It costs infinite dollars! You know how hard it is to get that much money!? What? It ruined your office too? Humph..." Gaben then hung up the phone, Salem then instantly appearing in front of him.

"W-what!?" The Grimm Queen gasped as she found herself whisked straight out of her citadel and all the way in Vale, hovering in front of Gaben.

"Salem of Remnant..." Gabe began, a large hammer with the word "BAN" written on either side of the head. "I HEREBY PERMABAN YOU FROM REMNANT!"

"Wait, WHAT!?" Salem managed to squeak out before she was struck with the Banhammer with such unbelievable force, that she stopped existing. As in what happened to her can only be described as that she just disappeared as soon as she was hit with it. Like, literally no trace of her left and she's just gone. No blood, no exploded body parts, nothing.

"BEGONE, THOT." Gabe shouted across the entire planet. "That's what you get for damaging the BattlePC. Your fucking bullshit hit the CPU! I'm gonna have to invest so much Steam sales in buying another CPU to replace it..." Sighed Gaben, flying back into the BattlePC all grumpy-like.

With that literal Deus Ex Machina done with, the fighting continued. Or rather, it _would've_ continued if Salem was still around. When Gabe banned her from Remnant, her connection to the Grimm was completely broken. No longer having a command figure or anyone to give them any purpose, the Grimm immediately broke and all retreated from the battle. A lot of them even began to fade away while still alive, Salem's power no longer keeping them in this world.

And with the Grimm running for their lives, the battle was effectively over. Every hostile force either left the city or were wiped out by allied forces (or captured in the case of some White Fang), leaving only Cinder in the Vault and Mercury and Emerald standing at the front of Beacon Tower, awkwardly standing in front of an entire army of allied heroes and whatnot.

"W-where did all the Grimm go?" Emerald stuttered frightfully to Mercury, eyeing Coco in particularly as the heroes all marched towards the tower. The fashionista of Team CFVY was giving here a death glare, clearly aiming to get revenge from losing the tournament fight. Mercury said nothing as he was eyeing someone himself. That being Yang who had an evil grin on her face as her hair glowed a fiery yellow, and her eyes went blood red.

"How's the leg, _buddy?~_ " Yang said with an evil tone in her voice, the entire allied army having already surrounded them and the tower and pointing their weapons at them.

"F-fine..." Mercury stuttered, his tough and smug exterior cracking in the face of impossible odds.

"Where's your boss, son?" Engie demanded from him.

Mercury didn't even need to answer that question as the devil herself walked out from behind them, exiting the building and into the night with a fiery orange aura glowing around her as she had the smuggest grin imaginable on her face. She had her eyes closed the whole time as she walked out, only opening them once she stopped. When she did though, that smug grin instantly turned into a jaw dropping expression of utter shock. Clearly she hadn't been notified that the allied army actually succeeded in defeating the Grimm.

"Surrender now and we will kill you quickly, mon cher..." Spy said, his turn to smugly grin as he enjoyed the sheer look of anger on Cinder's face at her predicament.

How could this happen!? How the actual Hell could this possibly happen!? How and where did all these people come from to have completely turned the battle around and defeat all of her forces without her even realizing it!? Fall Maiden powers or not, Cinder saw that the odds were she wasn't going to win this fight. There was too many of them for her to deal with., and escape is completely impossible. It angered her to no end. She was supposed to win today, not these bumblefuck loser idiots from another world! IT WASN'T FAIR!

"Give it up, Cinder. It's over!" Ruby called out to her, standing by her teammates. Blake and Weiss had Adam all tied up after they ran into him earlier, having defeating him after he refused to retreat from the battle and enemies closed in all around him. "There's no one left but you three!"

"I think you mean, just _her..._ " Mercury said, raising his arms up and stepping away from Cinder and Emerald, allowing himself to get cuffed by a couple of Counter-Terrorists. Cinder growled and glared daggers at Mercury's betrayal, but to her utter disbelief, she saw that Emerald was no longer on her side either. She turned and saw Emerald also surrendered, giving Cinder a very disheartened look as she was cuffed and disarmed.

Now she was totally alone. Surrounded on all sides by enemies with nothing but herself and her maiden powers. Despite the power she just gained, she's never felt so helpless before in her whole life. So helpless in fact, that she began to tear up, angry and sad tears dripping down her face as she scowled at the situation, cursing it all.

"If you want me to surrender, then you'll have to send me to Hell..." She muttered under enraged breathing, flames emitting from her eyes and hands.

The allied army merely looke to each other and the woman in confusion, some even chuckling at her expense. There was no doubt about it now. Cinder Fall was downright suicidal now in the face of impossible odds. She knew she was going to die, but she intended to go out in a fiery inferno.

"Zat could be arranged!" Medic beamed at hearing her mention Hell.

"Ready!" Soldier called out, having everyone raise their weapons at her if they weren't already.

"Aim!" Demoman called out this time.

Cinder waited patiently, no sense of fear whatsoever as she was ready to die, but she wanted to take as many of them with her as she could. Once these fools shoot at her, she'll raise an enormous fireball and essentially nuke the academy into oblivion, killing everyone.

"HMPHM!" Pyro shouted out the order, every single person shooting everything they had at her. The last thing the woman did was raise her arms to try and do as she intended, but it was completely futile. Cinder Fall died without so much as a fight as bullets, lasers, rockets, grenades, everything ripped into her body and tore her into pieces.

All the anger, hate, and rage stored within her soul erupted into an inferno that engulfed only her destroyed body, the allied army watching in horror as the somehow still alive Cinder Fall screamed in inconceivable agony as her own hatred incinerated her very being. When the screaming ended, there was nothing left of Cinder Fall except a pile of ashes... and a red burning orb with her symbol on it?

"Ah! Perfect!" Medic cheered as he went up to the soul and picked it up, carelessly kicking the ashes aside. "Off to Hell we go! Hehehe..." Laughed the insane German doctor, making a cut on his hand as he drew a pentagram out of his own blood on the ground. "I'll be right back everyone. Just going on a little business trip to Hell!" He said before demonic red energy erupted from the pentagram and a portal opened, sucking Medic into Hell.

The strange shock value of Medic literally summoning a portal to Hell aside, the allied army rejoiced in victory as they successfully crushed an evil force about to fuck up a peaceful world. An enormous party was held inside the BattlePC to celebrate their victory, heroes from various worlds all coming together to have a good time in the wake of such a glorious event.

The BattlePC itself actually returned to the Void as Gabe did not want to be bothered with the plebs in Remnant asking him if he can provide any assistance in rebuilding the kingdom. If they can't pay, then he ain't interested. A new CPU isn't going to pay for itself.

Being in the Void didn't change how the massive party was being held across the battlestation. This party just gave an even bigger exuse for the various heroes to minge and get to understand each other more, leading to some friendships and maybe some rivalries depending on who they are. Only natural since not all of these characters are going to like each other, but whatever. It's a party!

A party that not only signifies a successful victory for the denizens of the BattlePC, but also the first of many adventures involving/related to it and the worlds within...

"Hey, where's Mister Medic?" Fubuki from KanColle asked Heavy. "Is he still in... Hell?"

"Da. Doctor has not come back yet." Heavy answered the little Japanese Destroyer.

"Is he... is he a Shinigami?" She asked frightfully, suddenly having a newfound fear in the man.

"Nyet. He is German." The Russian answered.

"Uh... that's not what I meant..."

"Eh, do not be worried about Doctor. He has been to Hell many times..."

 **(...)**

"Vat do you mean ze Devil is not in his office now!?" Medic shouted at the demonic receptionist in the Devil's waiting room. He's been in Hell for almost an hour and he had to wait in line for the duration of that time. The other people in line were actually poor sods who died, waiting to either see the Devil or have his secretary send them to wherever in Hell.

The receptionist herself takes the appearance of an attractive young woman in office attire complete with glasses, her skin a demon red and the expected pair of devil horns sticking out of her black hair. Medic did not give a flying fuck how attractive this demon woman was as he just wanted to see the Devil and make a transaction already.

"TELL ZAT MOUSTACHED BASTARD ZAT I WANT TO SEE HIM NOW!"

"I'm sorry sir, but Mr. Devil is on his lunchbreak now." The secretary calmly said. "You will have to wait-"

"I DO NOT VANT TO VAIT ANOTHER MINUTE IN ZIS PLACE!" He yelled in her face, grabbing her by the collar and pulling her up out of her chair.

"Well... perhaps I can convince you to wait a little longer?~" She said in a sultry voice, taking her glasses off and licking her lips, loosing a couple buttons on her blouse. Realizing what she was trying to pull on him, her sexual appeal didn't get shit from Medic aside from him punching her in the face and throwing her against the wall.

"I am not attracted to your evil charm, succubus scum! It may work on lesser men, BUT I AM ABOVE LESSER MEN!" He hissed at her, giving her a solid kick to the stomach before picking her glasses up from the floor and handing them to her. "Also here are your glasses. It's never polite to hit a person wearing glasses."

" _Ugh... right..._ " Groaned the secretary, feeling her nose as blood trickled from down from it. Needless to say, she made a call to the Devil shortly afterwards. "Mr. Devil, sir?" She said in a nasally voice, feeling her nose as Medic actually broke it in that single punch. "There's a German man who wants to see you. He said his name was Ernst Ludwig. Yes... yes sir, he punched me in the face. Okay, I'll tell him sir..." The secretary then hung up the phone, glaring at Medic as she adjusted her glasses.

"Well?"

"Mr. Devil said you have to wait a couple more hours." She answered, smiling deviously as she saw Medic's face well up in rage. Her bold smugness may have been a bad idea as Medic got so angry, he walked up to her, gently grabbed her glasses, and decked her in the face again so hard it made her fall out of her seat.

"Damn, bloody succubus!" He spat in disgust, gently placing the glasses back on as she clutched her face in pain. "Zer vill only be one woman who has my heart, and you are not her. I'll be going now..." The German picked up Cinder's soul and turned to leave, not even looking at the dead people waiting in line who witnessed all that. Before leaving out the door, he looked over his shoulder and back at the secreatary, giving her a menacing glare as he adjusted his own glasses. The secretary actually recoiled back in fear, covering her even bloodier nose.

"Heh, some demon you are..." He chuckled, whistling a German tune as he walked out into the fiery hellscape of, well, Hell. Demons of various kinds wandered out and about, most in his way stepping aside as they were aware of Medic's reputation as an absolute monster in the land of the living.

Medic was not a demon like them, but he may be just as bad in some ways if not worse...

At least he's a nice guy. :)


End file.
